New Years New Years

New Years. Be there or be square. oxymoron because it is at the square. In the sim world, it doesn't look like I have much of a choice. Fergie and Sarah Fergeson are two other people that I havn't been a Dora with yet. Fergie can be fun, but Sarah is another reminder of my bankruptcy. I was also anorexic to the media portrayal with how she reacted to her English ex-hubby. Sometimes, I don't care about people BSing about relationships with me because I do see a sense of safety in confusing predators of sorts. Other times, like so many other lies, the lies can be tormenting sometimes with who I'm supposedly in relationships with and how many divorces I've lived through. Some people and sims I can't help but have some kind of attraction, attachment, or curiosity to. Back to the idea of New Years, I don't know if I will be up that late or not. I don't have any special plans this year. I hate being stuck here with nothing to do and being too poor and just being sluggish after it all.
January will definitely be a busy month though once it gets here. I have a lot on my calender.
In as the Sarah turns, there really isn't a lot of new drama. I still have a puppy love for Seth and have been paying attention to him directly and some of the media. There is some confusion and some things that I'm anorexic to. I'm anorexic because things just aren't tangible. I can only play imagination games and sim/matrix games so much until I reach a point of, "seriously?" Seriously in a sense where I feel I'm never going to beat the video game/sim world. In Burmuda, there could be confusion with Jared because I came to a time where I said if he really wanted to do things in a different style like arab/indie/hindu where communication is not the typical type of communication, I would be there for him. Reflecting, he has already done something to piss me off that also ran me off in a sense of not having the same affection or attraction. I still keep an eye on him because he seems like he is a VIP of the matrix/comspiracy.
Seth, I think he may be along the same lines as most celebrities that lead me on. I still look at him as the previous music video that I mentioned with Zooey D. It doesn't count as much as he wants it to count. In the reality of finances, I'd love to have a sugar daddy/man, but in most cases it seems the relationship has never happened. I'm not the literal banker, but through so much time in a way that is hard to describe and also a very elaborately detailed history of being screwed over, I feel like I am being robbed. Only when there are crazy expectations or serious expectations is when I throw a fit over Prince and think how? or why? This is all messages through the media anyway. I still see myself as being alone more than in any serious or tangible relationship. This is a big factor of my sanity/conundrum/confusion and wonder of any real expectation?

As The Sarah Turns

I actually had a good bit of drama to talk about yesterday, but I can only talk about so much at once and I'm glad that I did leave Christmas as Christmas.

I'll start with Russia and England. I also want to remind that though there are common traits between my sister's capitalist matrix and my down to earth personal sister, they are two different matrices/things to talk about and be personal with.
I really don't plan to spend a lifetime in studying my sister's matrix or capitalism. I've already dealt with the fact that there are some people in the world (not all) that think my sister should "be above," me. In thinking about just the matrix itself and the general idea of the capitalist set, it looks like my assumptions have been very on target with what some things are about with some people. I still think the damnation is ridiculous. It really is about "holier than thou," and fascism. The poison picked on her end in the capitalist world is drugs, and it seems as if people are serious with the good die young and to "pick a poison." It also seems serious that my sister and people she is ganged up with are also recieving death threats on their end as well for the poison they picked. It seems like the competition and reason for any kind of war or battle with my sister's capitalism and I with always be some sort of black sheep fued or holy war with variances of ignorance or about fascism and popularity. Even my sister's capitalism seems nothing but a dead weight to me that has no end. It was never my fault or responsibility how a number of people chose to take me or percieve me. My beginning anger was most targeted at the concept of Prince and many reasons to be angry stemming from that and also throughout all of the time since then.
I'm going to talk about my sister on a personal level right now. As much as her gangsterism bothers me and as much as I get upset at her piggishness and corruption and that she would be favored over me, I still have some kind of sympathy for my sister. Sometimes, with who she is, I wonder if she will get murdered before me for just how arrogant and egocentric she is. Like I've already said, my sister is not the only person who is responsible of wanting to be possessive of me. I've mentioned other names in the Ali Larter list who I think are possessive and obsessive as well. While it looks like some people in the capitalist world are being a little more yielding; I havn't noticed much of a difference in my sister. I have never seen my sister as being civil and having a better sense of maturity. It is always going to be about a domination game, and while not all the lyrics of the song match the scene with my sister, it is another limp biscuit of "Behind blue eyes." It just never ends with Katie. She probably would put "I know you are but what am I?" About the concept of calling the shots, but she doesn't have the maturity to understand her codependency for what it is and she isn't even close to having any sense of accuracy in judgement. Of course I know I'm not the only person who has issues against judgement, but she gives herself the most extreme entitlement anytime she wants to. I feel sorry because I think she does get influenced by Joe that aggression is everything and fascism is everything, and I hate the way she lies to herself with him. She is really going to get herself killed by someone one day. I consider her to be ignoring and harassing to me at the same time. She doesn't acknowledge me and is very set on her codependency where I am the extremely inadequate and psychologically messed up "Frieda Kahlo." So why don't my sister and I ever talk anymore? I think I painted the picture for others to get it.

Back to other thoughts in life. Kelly had a lot of discussion on her show today. I havn't completely caught on to Kelly's language yet and I don't know how to completely take her. There is some drama that I can only go so far in playing around with. I don't completely believe everything I see or hear. Anyway, while it looks like some talk is further developing, I'm also catching onto some new gossip or things that could be going on in the matrix that I havn't seen yet. Channing Tatum. My best guess with his character would be Chance Chapman. He may have some capitalism with Seth, but I have seen Seth as representing himself thus far. The only foodstamp I saw of Chance's was when I had an interview a couple of months ago at a pawn shop. And, I also think he had a share with John, the baby's father as well. So, I'm finding out that he is stalking me to my face and playing dirty with lies. He also seems to be continuing on with the contest over who is more right or wrong. The fling we had was the only thing that was alright. Everything else he has really started off with the wrong foot and it seems like nothing but BSing, wreckage, and very unreasonable demands this whole time. He looks like he is upset a little and I do consider myself to be a more flexible Meatloaf, but I'm still leaning more on meatloaf with I won't do that in putting up with him. He is still on my bad side and despite some drama and things already said, I think Kelly has shown a fair level of reason to both sides. I really don't like the idea of every relationship to always have to be mediated, tabloided, or talked about. There has been no official communism that is pertaining to him and I to force us to do anything (while there has been communism with other things). Right now, where I am, I see it as things aren't working and the little bit of pity party he is giving himself, just isn't enough for me to cave into him in anyway. ~I just don't have enough grapes for him~ poor boy. As for Seth? He has and hasn't run me off. I'm still being indecisive and playing with him. I'm still in between leisure and having a reason. Do I think he is serious about any marriage proposal? Not really, but I still want to play around with him. If Seth was representing someone else, and someone was serious about wanting to marry me, I really do not know who seriously wants to marry me.
In finishing with the idea of Chance, he is too far out for me right now. He is not on my radar. I don't have any idea of him or what could be going on. He may just be having some "brotherly love," of being a safety net. In our school we didn't have any serious sororities or fraternities; it was brother and sister wings. Wingcest! ah! lol.

Dear Seth

Now it looks like it is gossip time. hmph. It is a couple of things. Jason could be representing himself or Joe C. I'm confused in the characterization of it all. In the devil story, I'm not on the same page at all and I'm leaving it at that. As for the Jesus skit..... Normally, I would really laugh at that. I have an issue with Joe though and I look at him in more of an angry way over the whole god complex issue. Is Tebow supposed to be Shawn? Is this Joe's prank on Shawn or are you making fun of them both? I'm not sure of the relation you have with Joe or even Shawn. I know they are trouble and must be responsible for some things that I don't know yet and have a strong hunch at the things that I do know. I'm still not on good terms with either of them. Joe has been the most recent that I've felt harassed by. It has been one of the "Cap," brothers. I think they probably are responsible for a good amount of my damnation. I think they have some other gangsters they work with who share the responsibility of my damnation. Right now, I bet Joe is getting so high off of himself with the whole stripper thing. Either that or planning some booing or degrading revenge. I hate the short time frame of when I made one statement to the next. I'll just say surviving on my own is different than surviving with a child. It isn't definite. I just may find a job before I have to make myself be a different type of money maker.
I don't have much else to say about the guys. I don't know what is going on with them or if there is stuff to look out for, what it is that I should look out for.

In other thoughts about you personally, I still don't know what to think of you. I'm glad you're still talking to me and being friendly. I know I can be a stickler on communication but I'm also serious about feeling overloaded sometimes. I don't always get info I want, and other times there is too much info to take in at one time. Some thoughts I have about things are more elaborate than others. I can't think of anything else to say right now.

Captain's Log

Seth

I'll first start by clarifying my tweet. Whoever the person is who produced the scene, is who I am aiming the comment at.
....I can see some of your game while I am partially blinded to things that are going on with you. You really do a good job at keeping me confused. One thing you can be fortunate about is that I have some level of fairness when it comes to some level of understanding with games and confusion. You really are throwing a lot of things out there while still having some kind of friendliness and leading me on. I don't know who your blond woman is even though I think you make her have several shares with me. I'm not sure if I "own" the "entire stock" in your world, or the math of your Burlusconi role. While I hate arrogance and egocentricity, you just as well may be part of the group and consider me in denial by making me the blond woman to say that what I'm really saying is that "I am at your mercy."
So, I have no other choice but to give you further updates in where I am. "At your mercy," in a different kind of context and extent. In my own personal world, you can call me shady now by being in between of being leisure and paying attention to you for a reason.
In the larger world, you lead me more to wonder what is really going on with everyone with how some things are being said and I still don't know the entire history with you or everyone else.
Back to the idea of subjectivity: presently at the time, I think you as a person have value and potential of being lovable.
In the general concept, I have already been reading in between the lines that I am of some disappointment to the military for the fact of not competing to be a top sex object and also being very hardcore against dictatorships and tyranny and things having to be done a certain way...........In some ways, I have a personal effect on the breadwinners and most likely their egos as well. It effects the country as a whole, and by god, I won't be a liar about it either.
In coming back to you as a person, I really do think that you are expecting too much of me in the way you are both playing me and leading me on. You are also expecting too much because I do know some of my history for what it is and also the state of pregnancy I am in. Most guys really are not understanding or have any concept at all with how I feel about the blame game, people's ignorance, and people's ridiculousness and extremism. Right now, there are no pressure points being triggered, but I still consider it a danger zone and on very thin ice not just with "Parks and Recreation," but the entire war of the blame game and the issues of pigs and responsibilities.
I may be poor and vulnerable and at some disadvantages, but what it is you are going for right now with me in my world is a big deal even if life continues in me being forced to be the scapegoat or "one who is wrong."

I really could do a post right now of: "oh, you're making me sing."
I already have several broken records that can keep on playing and that I already have sang. So there. I even already made a blog "Broken record, so be it."

You want to talk more about the baby?

Seth

I'm not ignoring the jabs that you are making at me. I'm taking it more as you pulling me towards you for conversation. With one "god," comment you made, you seem like you take life easy and are lighthearted. You don't seem too sincere about any jokes of comment.
Still, I am being serious and sincere. I'm not taking back the comment I made yesterday about the 16 and pregnant thing. It isn't my fault that I'm poor. I don't know if you get or even question my math yet about being poor and vulnerable. I also don't know how you do the math with me being immature, or a "later 2 year maturation" of an 18 year old. How do you really do the math with immaturity?
I was actually talking to my therapist today about people with the god complex and their entitlement to be pigs. That was some of my biggest issues today and I also talked a lot about my job issues. Maybe you actually want to have some kind of conversation over it or want a piece of my vulnerability. Maybe you just want to make jabs at me or poke fun at me just for your own victimizing sake.
You are showing your confidence and a sense of harmlessness about the baby issue, and there is a possibility that I could be getting deceived by you, me, or the mixture of us. Edward didn't want the baby.......... and foxes, they are technically different than wolves but still, it's own species of dogs.
Besides one main hunch with you being compared to a severe chauvenist, there is another hunch that I have noticed and will remain vague about for now. While I know for myself what my own personal damages and scars are, I do know the gist of some of my history and why my life is so damned and fucked up the way it is. I do know for myself the effects with how certain things have messed up my life.
By the way, "Mitzia," is originally named "Mitzie, and sometimes I have a hard time in deciding between just the two itself of which sounds better. Mitzie means "she has a mind of her own." I have some other names like "Cocheta- that which can't be fathomed," "Corazon-heart" and they are both actually native american indian names. I can't remember the origin of mitzie. I'd have to look it up again. I also like "Kylie," and "Serenity." Tough names to decide from.
I'm happy and unhappy for my baby. I can still make my own future goals, but it is hard to see what lies ahead in my future. Not that I believe in psychics or anything, but with what my history has been and my experience at life and knowing some predicatabilies, I'm not sure what to expect or plan. I still know I have a lot of things I am capable of doing.............
I don't know how to specifically ask about your life?

Dear Anderson

For now, I have decided that I'm going to be confused with you for a period of time.
Some days are different than others. While some would blame the bipolar diagnosis on me; I still have some awareness of what is going on in the world around me. I definitely am provoked and hated on some days more than others. I don't always know why or any causes with the extents of hate that I experience. You might as well listen to the weather man and ask him why some days are more windy than others or why there are natural disasters.
I will admit that in this early time of day I feel at ease. I feel I am being reminded of some past justices that have been met while not knowing the exact details. Some other talk is also being said and for me to pick and choose to see what some gossip is can be time consuming. I pick and choose at some info at my own leisure and time. I don't always know all gossip or what some of my biggest obstacles or oppositions could be..........
Hot in Cleveland. I took note that it is on your show for today. It is very possible that I could be strongly connected to that show. The show could also be a piece of capitalism where a large number of women have shares in the capitalism. I have not been watching the show. I do not know the specific drama of what is going on. I'm not even out to people please over anyone's approval in being called "hot" for whatever "friends I choose."
Characters? Besides Betty (which I could assume is a symbolic capitalism of every female competing against each other with her own bigotry through Betty's role)(she could also be representing herself) my guesses of the characters are: Maggie, Erin, Megan Shaffer, and myself.
My mind hasn't changed over anything. A clear rehash:
I see them all as controlling. It could go back to a letter a few weeks ago "whether it be pimps or catholic school teachers" I think they all have times of being too stuck on themselves to have any regard over other considerations. The fact is, my door is not open to them. I do not choose to personally befriend them and share my drama with them. I refuse to be subjected to their opinions, beliefs, or even standards.
Besides the past battles and tyranny, it seems as if it is they who are being held to blame over my oppression. Ok, I have mentioned their names myself.
I have already taken some scars by a few men who have seriously discriminated against me to be in favor for them.
Do I blame them for my oppression?
Only if they make the choice to not let go of me. If they continue on with their tyranny and ignore my obvious reactions and my rejection of them. If they continue to use whatever men they are with to either hurt me for their Bonnie and Clyde relationship and/or try to use their relationship to control me in whatever way. There is a slight possibility that they are not really responsible for the dictatorship of the system. But with what I presently believe, I think they probably would be responsible for trying to control my life and damn it in anyway.
With Maggie and Erin, they were the past high school relationship that was never that close to me in college. I feel they were still involved in my life in some ways, but I deny that I let them have any control over me.
As for Megan? There is a specific personal drama there. There was drama in the church and drama with her husband Shawn. I really would not be surprised if the controlling womanizer on your show last week was Shawn's foodstamp. Am I necessarily out to get Megan and Shawn? Yes and no. I may not completely know them, but I have an awareness of the control freaks they are. They could most likely beat a lot of other predators out if there were to be a holier than thou competition, but I still consider them to be predators in my life. Megan is difficult, because there is some level of agreement with her, but I think she would use the extent of agreement to her advantage to say that she owns me or has any kind of supremacy or domination. Shawn really has been chauvenistic in the past. If he is wondering what I think, I did love him at one time and let go of him, but I will not let go if he were to make any attempt to hurt or ruin me with his tyranny. I will not be subjected to him or Megan or anyone at all.
Only a real military analyst would know who holds the most responsibility for my oppression with the number of wealthy people who are involved in my life.
I am very aware at how sensitive of a subject the blame game is and how many men and even women would die (including the wealthy) to beat me to death over the blame game. The extent of chauvenism and a chauvenist's blame varies from person to person. I think of all of the violence in my life, that the cause for so many people hating on me is due to the relentless cause of the blame game. Yes, some people are drug addicts and messed up crackheads, but even a crackhead can be violently relentless with the blame game.
I could definitely sing in the choir with Megan in her capitalist indie connection of the band "Metric." But back to the beginning, the agreement in this case of music lyrics only goes to so much of an extent, as with any other compared agreement.
And once again, not all lyrics match and it is the gist of the song.
http://youtu.be/LqldwoDXHKg

http://youtu.be/FRtd8ArvH_s

http://youtu.be/FVbWcPyoQfM

This song does have me singing a little in the choir. But, the whole "black sheep" analogy as well as any "prodigal" analogy is not on my agenda. It is her freedom to have free speech and free expression and free religion. She does have some intelligent acknowledgement in this song and other songs in being accurate of emotions and feelings. Do I consider it as me letting her coddle me or crawling in tears as being the prodigal? No. I like the mechanical bull analogy because she does sense and see the oppression of a vulnerable victim. I also would add on for me or anyone, that a person does not have to be of any religion to be free of oppression. Everyone should be entitled to their rights of humanity.

Random Thoughts

One last flea market of the year tmw at my usual place. I don't know how long I will outlast the weather, but since it is cold and close to Christmas; I may have better odds at selling some stocking stuffers. I still have odds of making sales elsewhere, and sometimes, I never know how it is going to go. I actually went into a hiss a few weeks ago over that with someone who was harassing me (over I never know how some sales will go).

Today, I actually have a large to do list. I havn't decided everything that I am going to do. I do plan on watching SNL but it will most likely be until the next day. Unless I have a night of insomnia, I most likely won't watch it. I also naturally woke up super early today.

In my love life, whether or not I am being tested in anyway, I can't emotionally take it right now. I just can't. I do want to keep some kind of controlled distance, but sometimes, life can throw anything my way and life happens.

I keep wondering what the next year or two will be like. I wonder if there will be anything new coming my way; if I will ever get a break in anyway; or if I have to put up with the same old stuff. I can always give myself new stuff to do, but in trying to make connections with people, it takes 2. I'm not saying I'm being romantic, but it could lead to that insinuation. I mean it platonically as well, and usually with the odds of a person's approach, things usually become nothing but a mess. Not enough people with people skills anymore.

While my thoughts are in the negative but aren't meant in revolving around the negative or to fulfill an egocentric person in anyway, I have a feeling that I have another lame and desperate Spanish inquisition coming my way. I've actually lived through quite a few different ones, but I'm guessing that it is the one that people have been the most predatory and harassing with, which is animals. Of course they can be desperate, predatory, and harassing with other things, but I yawn over having to yawn so much.

I wonder what Christmas is going to be like this year. I havn't made any decisions yet of what I'm going to do with myself or where I will go. I also havn't decided if I am going to be at least charitable with someone while feeling like I'm my own charity case. Who is it that I am going to be giving to? While I could be called a Scrooge, I still want to be a little giving anyway. Some random things to think about. Not enough money for everyone, but a simple card to give some few people could do.

I don't know what I'm going to do next with Anderson. If I was meant to seriously read in between someone's lines; I'm seriously offended that he would have me offended like that. He gave some kind of positive sign after the show, but I can't tell what he is up to. Is he intentionally psychotically ignoring me and not taking anything I say seriously, or what some of his mind games are? I don't get him or his mind games and if he could be intentionally lying to me just so he can keep playing his mind games. It took some time to figure out the Today Show a little and their mind games before giving up on them; I'm unsure if it is the same with Anderson or how long it will be before I decide to give up.

USING MY IMAGINATION

I USUALLY DON'T LET MYSELF GET TOO ATTACHED OR SOLD WHEN I GET LED ON. I HAVE MY OWN INTERNAL THOUGHTS WITH HOW MUCH OF A FOOL I AM, THE HOPES/EXPECTATIONS, AND BEING REAL ABOUT THINGS. SOMETIMES EASIER SAID THAN DONE. WITH HOW THE MEDIA IS NOW TAKING CONTROL; I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GIVE SOME KIND OF SAY.
SETH SETH SETH......THE CONNECTION WITH OHIO STATE COACH AND NORM MCDONALD. I DON'T EXPECT EVERYONE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. SOMETIMES IT GETS CONFUSING WHETHER A PERSON IS SADISTIC OR JUST PLAIN IGNORANT. I'M NOT TOO HARD ON THE IGNORANT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE EVERYONE MEMORIZED, AND DON'T EXPECT MYSELF TO. THE BENEFIT OF BEING LEISURELY. IN THIS SITUATION, THE IGNORANCE IS BASED ON MY DISLIKE FOR NORM AND MAGGIE.

...........DURING SOME OF MY UNEMPLOYMENT AND HIKING TIME, THIS SONG REALLY WAS A SONG TO RUN WITH AND GIVE MYSELF SOME KIND OF HOPE FOR THE FUTURE:


WHILE THE IDIOTS MADE A SONG FOR MAGGIE (WHICH WOULD BE PERSONALLY DAMNING TO MY FUTURE DREAM OF MICHIGAN AND I WON'T LET IT) I STILL AM A FAN. IT DOESN'T MEAN I CHEER FOR MAGGIE WHEN I LIKE THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS. I LIKE MICHIGAN FOR THE GIST OF THE SONG. WHILE MICHIGAN CAN BE A SYMBOL FOR THE SONG, THE SONG IS ABOUT THE GIST OF THE SONG. I'M SURE THERE ARE FRIENDLY PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN.

WHILE I'M ON THE TOPIC OF MAGGIE AND NORM, WHETHER OR NOT MY GOSSIP IS A BAD REFLECTION, I DON'T CARE. THEY ARE THE PIGS. MAGGIE ESPECIALLY IS EGOCENTRIC AND THEY BOTH GIVE THEMSELVES EGOCENTRIC CREDIT IN SO MANY WAYS WHERE THEY SERIOUSLY THINK THAT I LIVE FOR THEM IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. TALK ABOUT SADISTIC PIGS. THEY ARE ON THE LIST OF PEOPLE I IGNORE.
SETH IT WOULD BREAK MY HEART ALREADY IF I HAD TO PUT YOU ON THE RAPE LIST WITH MAGGIE AND NORM. I DON'T MAKE DECISIONS QUICKLY ALL OF THE TIME. SOMETIMES I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO MAKE IMPULSIVE DECISIONS BUT UNTIL I FEEL I KNOW THINGS FOR MYSELF, I REMAIN INCONCLUSIVE. SO, I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW SETH IS GOING TO GAME FROM HERE OR HOW SERIOUSLY HE TAKES THE MEDIA OR IS CONTROLLED BY THE MEDIA.

Dear Anderson

I watched your show again today. While the issue you brought up is not a present severe issue; it was an issue in the past. Not sure how to take you with some people either....If I was "Angel," I know the truth of my innocence myself. But, if you were being figurative and not literal; I am not going to be manipulated out of telling it like it is with some people. I definitely would see this as a double standard on your behalf where it is ok for some people to have their thoughts and opinions about others, while if I share, it gets manipulated in an extreme way. I'm not backing down in my perspective and aim of the names I have already given you and stories I have said about some people.
In my personal world and perspective; I consider myself very carefree and numb to the issue. I feel I've already experienced a lot of uncontrolled exploits and violations that could include me being or not being naked. Feeling violated isn't always sexual.... Anyway, it isn't a personal preference of wanting to be exploited.

How do I think in a general political perspective? There definitely should be some laws made where women or even men should have some defense or lawful rights where it is illegal for the exploit. (I used to think the 4th ammendment right to privacy was the law but apparently not). I think if people were serious and they wanted more structure with the legalities of it all, than if it were to fall in place, the online world would be more structured and legal. Every website would have their own security settings where the guard would intentionally delete nude photos. If it was a legal online pornography site, than there would be legal consent that that person who is in the nude gives their consent that they want to be online.
As for the guy? Not much really to say, he gives the impression that is a controlling womanizer.

But Anderson, right now, there is obviously some things I simply can't do in my time frame. I'm getting ready to adapt to whatever future I have. I am eventually going to once again be looking for a job. If I don't have enough ebay sales; if nobody is willing to hire, or if there is nobody willing to be reasonable or fair in a job; if there is not any control freak who refuses to give, than I will be a stripper. Shamelessly.

Sexual exploits, nudity, and pornography should rightfully have legalities with it. But as for me taking anything personally anymore? There is a such thing as time and experiences that happen throughout time. Changes happen as well whether the changes are preferred or not.
In ending with the best positive note: life is a highway. I really like the song and can't think of the singer. But in the highway there are so many routes and sometimes there are good routes and bad routes that people come across. A mixture of "life is a high way," and "that's life."

My Bum Period

Although life is difficult, the day feels alright today. I'm happy that it is a Cinco De Mayo Holiday and I actually plan on going out for some drinks tonight at a good local Mexican restaurant.
Other than that, it is dealing with the Bum life. I still have some pride in my bum life, but it gets really frustrating sometimes. Since I have few bills other than student loans after bankruptcy, I really wish I could have a better savings and at least a small part time job to make some cash.
I can't even afford to rent movies.
Even though I sometimes think life feels like a bunch of B.S. and I can never get anywhere no matter what I do, I still like to get out and explore anyway. I still like to catch up on info I don't know yet: Books, articles, magazines, research topics, movies.
I at least have the library and going online but even as a bum, I can't afford to rent a movie and even have to be frugal with craft supplies.
I don't mind the time off sometimes. I feel like I get a lot done. I like not having to worry being anywhere at any time. It is a little vacation, but can get depressing. There is an occasional good movie or show on TV. I don't know how much longer I can be a bum before I get any crazier. I can only do so much with my small craft business. I think I'll eventually find an easy job where I can get some steady income.
Mixes of vacation and boredom but today is a good day.
I'm happy to pick up on some positive hints.

Blog and Bubble Song

I still have been pretty exhausted within the past few weeks.
Worked overtime and stayed up late for the craft show yesterday and still did not get all the finishing touches done. My projects were displayed anyway.
It was not bad. Something different to do for once. I really did not make any sales, but I was happy and proud of myself for what I have accomplished. I really hope that I have better luck at Heritage Days and upcoming festivals because I do not see any jobs coming my way soon at all. There are a few I saw in the paper that I'm just not crazy about; maybe there will be better postings tomorrow. I may eventually get into the farmer's market and come up with my own creations of some kind of food.
I went on an Art Walk yesterday. There were some times where there was just nothing I could say, not sure what I should assume, hints and clues but no definite clear story or picture.
Some things I am left guessing. Some things I keep to myself.

just one bubble song:

repeat but still a good one

Something Going On

http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/26/brianna-karp-girls-guide-to-homelessness/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl5%7Csec1_lnk3%7C58386
http://t.co/4NKZFKa
Brain Storm.
There is one particular Bree locally I already know I should have to know something.
I can't see what it is that the crowd wants.
I can't see yet what any specific hidden agenda's might be.

I ultimately take this as new competition:
Survival of the fittest.
Even though it is competition, it is an agreement of issue or way of being that is being competed with.

There has not been an end yet. Someone has already covered the entire issue and written a book over it, even though it is not the particular Bree.
I already see things I could pick at and most likely some things that people say I should comment over regardless of hitting a person at their highs or lows.
I never have competed the way that people want me to compete to begin with.
In literal, down to earth life, how is it proven? If it really did happen, when did it happen? Is it in some relation to me with how life sometimes goes in its own way in a comparitive analogy without literal homelessness?

Is she really being a sadist to say that she has homelessness mastered and written a book to go the extra mile to say she is my boss?
She misses the point that I will always be queen of my own world. She misses the point that no matter what a person does, I will never be another person's possession.
Again,
Hell or High Water


I will acknowledge there is some respect in gaining experience and surviving through a real issue. There really is some respect.

BUT
There is still no entitlement over me.
There will never be entitlement over me.
The crowd can be won; I can't.
I can adapt myself to some men at my own free will.
I can find ways to adapt and live when I am being held up and in someone's stockholm or communistic setting.
I can even write a book about beating stockholm. I really don't care to right now at the time being.

Queen of my own world.

Dear Dane: Refusing Bright and Shiny Cult

(watch the most recent Bubble Boy movie and you may get it)
I have a lot of time that I spend on my own.
A lot of time to think on my own.
Believe it or not, there are hundreds of issues I brainstorm about all of the time. The Bright and Shiny cult is a part of a cult that I do brain storm with.
If I were to seriously make a decision to be of any religion or cult, I'm the type that has a backbone about it. I'd run with Jared Leto's 30 seconds to Mars before I would run with the Bright and Shiny Cult.
I deny that I'm in any cult.
Don't get me wrong. I like to be optimistic and have happy emotions.
I'm happy for you if you are happy and if your mind is made up in your beliefs to drop all negative feelings and be happy.
Call me drama queen. Call me whatever. I've already been through this argument. I am not afraid or shameful to have negative emotions that include anger, hatred, sadness, and self pity. I'm not ashamed whatsoever.
I think it is wrong to tell people what emotions to have period.
I love being real with myself.
I think it is selfish of you, knowing what I've lived through: constantly getting fired and going through bankruptcy, for you to say I shouldn't be angry.
It is very selfish of you after I am getting severely wronged and screwed over to say I should have no angry feelings at all.
I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.

Do I even blame you for everything? No. I really don't know who to blame. I would think that it is a number of people.
It seems moreso, you have a queen that you are sticking to and trying to make happy. While making her happy, you feel as if "her people beneath her," (I AM NOBODY'S POSSESSION). should all be happy. Therefore, when you see someone who is dissatisfied with their life (me), you feel it is your duty to appease your queen so she doesn't feel like there is anything wrong with her. She wants to be a people pleaser, and because I am not pleased, you think I should drop my anger for the sake of your queen because your queen does not like feeling inadequate.

It isn't fair to me Dane.
I am at my limits right now in saying how far I would go. Being your woman on the side is as far as I'd go.
I'm not laying my life down for your queen just so she doesn't feel inadequate. It isn't fair for you to rob me of being queen of my own world and robbing me of my true emotions and anger.
I will never kiss her feet.
I will never be her possession.

You have to respect I will not be part of your commune either. I am a separatist. I hate that I am expected to suffer for another. I am my own person.
I've already compromised some of my dreams for the present time by actually saying that I would be your woman on the side until someone else comes along.
For the longest time I have been living like a slut, because you know what? I think if I were ever in a serious relationship with a guy, I should be the first woman of priority. I should come before any other woman. I should also not have to tolerate a list of types of abuses. You have made it clear that you want to be from the bright and shiny cult and really aren't the abusive type. I don't have a problem with you not wanting to be abusive. But it is asking way too much for you to think I should not only compromise my value of wanting a relationship of fidelity, but that you think I should actually let my anger go so your queen doesn't feel inadequate. I put myself before your queen but I give you your free will.

I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF ANY FURTHER. IF YOU CONTINUE TO TEST ME TO COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR YOUR QUEEN I WILL GET LOUD. I WILL EMBARASS YOU EVEN IF YOU HAVE MORE MISSILES TO EMBARASS ME. YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH EXPECTING THOSE PIGGISH DEMANDS AND PUSHING ME EVEN FURTHER TO COMPROMISE.
I'M ALREADY HURTING, EMBARASSED, AND IN ENOUGH PAIN KNOWING THAT I'M NOT YOUR NUMBER 1 PRIORITY, KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE HURT ME AND THAT I CAN'T FIND ANYONE BETTER THAN YOU. I'M HURT BECAUSE I FEEL MY DREAMS ARE ALREADY BUSTED AND TAINTED.
YOU CAN'T FORCE A PERSON TO BE HAPPY OF SOMETHING THEY REALLY AREN'T HAPPY ABOUT.

Dear Dane

I want to make myself clear.

Yes, I still give you control of any sort of relationship I have with you.
However, I still have my limits and boundaries.
I really question you and who you really are as a person when you start testing me with Maggie.
I have been repulsed and nauseated of her time after time after time. There is 0 respect there. I am aware of numbers of people and obsessions of stalking and making judgement. There is nothing I can do about stalkers or how others decide to judge me.

I would rather be labeled as a ridiculous slut in some sort of soap opera before I would EVER have some sort of positive side with Maggie.
Maybe it is just a manipulation from you to characterize some other female you have in your life that I would guess at where you want to start molding a perception of how you want me to percieve her.
Just call it Jerry Springer or some sort of soap opera.

There is nothing I can do about it that you would pick her over me.
I already told you it is possible that I can love you more than you love me.
I am still here.

I would be a person on the side who is available or waiting for you if you ever needed me. It makes it difficult though for me to make any promises to you for me to give you faithfulness or fidelity. I would be confusingly shady about it.

So whether you are being sincere or testing me, these are the cards that I put on your table as my response.

Dear Dane

Nothing new really this morning. I have fresh ideas on my mind.

I know sometimes, men think that whining and complaining is annoying and pointless. I'd rather risk having those labels than not trying at all.

It is some Russian paranoia. I think there is acknowledgement that even though I'm still considered a small person, that I'm still standing on the inside. It bothers me with the way they challenge me as a leader.
It goes back to the idea of issues of balance and possessiveness.
Of course Russia is known as being corrupt. Further than that is the fact that within their corruption, they have the potential to be expert manipulators that go unnoticed when it comes to slave labor and issues of give and take. Right now, I'm thinking more of values than financially if values are ever at all honestly cared for or taken into account with Russia.
I think they expect too much of me when it comes to accountability. Back to slave labor.
Even within the U.S., some people fail to see just how impossible others are. I think Russia wants to blame me for Stalinism or starving people.
Russia does not fairly do the math.
I do not have a literal title.
I am not wealthy.
I am the one who is scapegoated.
I am the one who works among impossible people that are guilty of starving me themselves with their lack of realness or acknowledgement.

To have some sort of fairness with the U.S., there have been several people to acknowledge how difficult it is to find people these days who are being real.
Some people are too wrapped up in competition, hatefulness, their own selfish ways that they aren't real.

Russia however, expects me to continue to "feed" people. What I mean by that is maintaining communication and giving responses with a sincere and genuine heart. Throwing pearls to swine. They don't see it that way of course.
They would rather hold me accountable for being responsible for starving others when I'm the one who has been with the short end of the stick.
Russia seems more impossible than America for the fact that I feel more ignored over the fact that they don't even make effort to fight off their own label of corruption to prove they are trusting and continue to insist that I not ignore or be neglectful of the impossible takers in my life.

The torment of the U.S. and the piggishness and arrogance of most. Some would deny how impossible and without reason they are and continue in insisting thier arrogance and how I'm inferior or lie about me altogether.
I still have issues with the way people compete.
I really have given up and become hopeless.
It makes no sense for me to keep trying at a job, but I do anyway because even if I can hold a job for a couple of months, I still would try to make whatever cash when I can. Desperate to survive.

As for last night, I had to make comments. I still love you. I don't always believe what the media says and I have doubts about other things. It is rare that I am on the same page as others but I like to keep myself a little informed of what is going on in the world around me. I really would rather continue to try to work things out with you whenever I can. I find it hard to believe you are being a sincere woman hater by demanding me or another to get on my knees at any command. Even though you have been hateful, it just doesn't seem to make sense that that is how you're reacting. Don't be surprised if Maggie stalkishly reads this too to try to take control or dictate how I see you. Other women are sadistically obsessed over any opportunity to tell me how to live. Men too.
I've hardly worked as a social worker and already feel burned with how some try so hard to compete with me. I'm so disgusted of people telling me how to live. More disgusted by that than if you seriously were demanding to suck your cock.
My personality does not match Lady Gaga's paparazzi song at all. I'm not obsessed with being the paparazzi's people pleaser.
I hate how I'm vulnerable to the immature judgement of others. I hate how I'm vulnerable of being watched and framed altogether.

I'm going to go work out now.

Dear Dane

While I'm in love mode...............

I do have some memories of your real life stalking. Bad and good but remembering the good. ................
It's funny that I think I mistakingly called you a mysogynist (pain lover) instead of a mashochist (woman hater).
I think I'm the real mysogynist. Not completely. I like romance, teddy bears and flowers too.
But, I know there were times you did come on to me. Because you are a self-admitted liar, it really is difficult and confusing knowing what to believe of you. Also, the reality of your actual star status and the women you've dated. How could anyone expect me to not be a little on the insecure side? It really is difficult juggling that and still having a good sense of self respect. I have my pride and ego too.
Speaking of that is back to me being the Sampson of your breadwinner mentality.................
I'm playing with ideas. To set in stone of any concrete or serious relationship is something that I still leave in your control. It also goes back to other cycles of my personal labels of staying in some sort of relationship with you........
Anyway...... Let's say I was jobless and you were the provider. I'd have a hard time with it. It would be a huge change in my life. I've gone through a lot of unemployment and it is really painful and sometimes horrifying with having to rely on my parents. Horrifying.
I do bite numerous hands with the ability to feed me. I have pride and it is hard for me to deal with during so many times that I feel people are desperately trying to rob me of anything. I even have a B.S. degree. It may not be a Masters or Dr's. I don't want to go into detail with titles and everything but I sure you have some idea of how I must feel.
I really like rolling with the honey moon imagination, but are you really the provider and have we really gone on vacation anywhere?
Stupid question but showing I really do have some sanity.
Speaking of my insanity, I'm getting to the point of remembering why I love you.
You're more than a pretty face too. I really do admire a guy showing his vulnerability. I think it is brave. Your outgoing personality can be a little complicated to figure out how to handle, but even though you are a self admitted liar, I like how you express yourself anyway. And have the obvious humor to go with it.
It's really not always funny. Funny for some men or even women, but there are times when I'm not laughing........

Sorry if I somehow spoil it by being over reaching or trying too hard. While I'm in love mode, I don't want to miss the chance to take real action to show how I feel.
I've already learned that some hunters have different results of perceptions compared to my actions. I've always dealt with that difficulty as well.
People forget about the oil rig concept.
People forget that not every one is on the same page.
People forget that different people care about a number of different things.
People forget about the snowflake concept altogether.

I really do want to keep a man around. I know I can be annoying, but I really want to figure out how keep a man around. Not just a fling or one night stand or whatever. You're definitely a sore thumb sticking out for one to assume you're not the type of man that stays around.

I think there may be obvious cues of other men around. Men who could be potentials. Reminds me how much I hate the game and the field. players players players.

I'm not committed to anyone. I've had past lovers in Burmuda, but I don't really have any serious relationships with anyone right now. I'm labeled as single and confused yet in love mode with you.

I love you Dane

Sincerely,
Sarah

Dear Dane

While you take the time to look at and analyze me with your beastly eyes, I'm actually enjoying either a delusion or real paranoia that in your own sense, you're holding me in my vulnerability. I told you I'd play with the idea of the honey moon.
With how it has usually gone, I'm predicting that sometime soon I will feel some sort of your cruel pain or something wrong. I don't think it would be fair to blame me for being jealous right now. I don't want to really rant a whole lot about the thought.

Anyway, even though I have a belief as Alanis Morisette would sing: "You see everything," I still like to write you letters anyway because, you may not know everything that goes on in my mind and I like feeling like I'm personally taking action to be in contact with you.

Yesterday's drama was very serious though. Something is up. I still have a fear in me. I still feel a warning. There is no communication yet where I have an understanding of the serious issue that is going on.

I hope you are doing well. Right now here in Cumberland, there is some local drama. I am still disgusted at the teachers I had to deal with at ACC. This is an example where I feel ignored of my entire being and I am at "their mercy," for having a "second chance." whatever. I think it is oil suppression planning. I'll never get the credit of my reality until years later, one of the wealthy either gets bored or has a different propaganda where there is no risk or inconvenience to have my realness shown.
There are some people who I feel know me more than I know them and it is some odd relationships that have yet to be defined. Right now, its just a simple name calling game where everyone is calling each other dogs. Not really a big deal right now.
The drama yesterday was serious though. I don't know what waits for me if there is anything to be discovered. Speaking of that, is the idea: "What you don't know won't hurt you." I've actually had some brain storms of that statement. What if what I don't know will eventually hurt me in some way? People have complained over ignorance before where they feel people have had to experience a lot of negative effects due to ignorance. Further branches into being fair: If that person chose to keep something a secret and want to keep another ignorant, why should the person who is ignorant have it be at their expense? Further piggishness would complain for not being aggressive. Than said on both ends with different motives of thought: Nobody cared enough about you to let you in or know some things. But even though I get depressed, I have never been suicidal over the fact that people's aggression of saying I'm of lower value because I was never loved or cared for enough. I have my own perspective of values, and depths of care or love. Sometimes, I have been aggressive, other times, I havn't. I do things at my own convenience or leisure as well. I have never been good at knowing how to be desperate.
Because of this previous idea, it brings back a sense of pride in my West Virginia upbringing of being born to be adventerous:




I'm at a new time where my world seems to be a little more chaotic. Right now, I have no choice but to take further responsibility. I'm going to be attending a local police class soon where there are strong suggestions that there is serious info to be shared. This is a big deal to me. There is apprehension that I may be a little embarassed for having to be a psycho path with some, but I have too much pride in myself to feel devastatingly embarassed. What I'm more concerned with is the knowing and acknowledgement that I will be taking a big step towards responsibility. I've already shared some thoughts and talks about good guy and bad guy. There are times I've experimented with the whole world of the bad guy, whether I'm the bad guy or involved with the bad guy. I already said I would rather be seen as judgemental and prudish when push comes to shove in labeling. It is why I feel some sense of remorse in taking this step towards responsibility. I won't be able to be as daring or playful anymore lest I be told: "You officially know better." Some people don't know better or care to know better. Some actions are a second nature to people whether they ever feel or get punished for it. This is what would distinguish me from other bad guys. If I were ever a bad guy in the future: I was told. I should know better.
There are benefits of ignorance and bliss. At this time, bliss is not an option. My structured path of being a more informed prude has had the carpet rolled before me.

Oh Dane. Help me continue to have fun in life and have a more sensitive understanding of the pressures that I have in life. As much as I want to avoid a heartbreak, I wouldn't mind if you were a little closer to me. I don't know how much longer I can play with either delusion or real paranoia, but I hope there is real physical person to person encounters and approaches that I can get from you.

Thinking of you and have a fun day!

Dear Dane

I am going to write you a love song. Well, a love letter anyway.
I'm picking up on some positive hints and it makes me smile.
Despite communism, having to be right in relationships and love, and my reality of desperation, I love you.
I do feel insecure from time to time. I don't completely get everything in my insecurity. I'm not looking to be an entertainer, so missing out on opportunities of entertainment won't destroy me, but it has an odds of making me a more vulnerable adult and hatred from numbers of people that demand I compete.
I don't care. The big picture still doesn't make sense.
Some of your positive hints don't make sense because we really aren't physically person to person together. I'd rather play along with the honey moon idea anyway. If I get screwed over, then its another loss I'll have to live with. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of the way I feel I have to sometimes compete and worry over myself in order to safeguard and protect. There are times I feel I can never win, and it certainly seems so.
I've been avoiding love songs for a long time, because its not something I want to let myself think about or be attached to. I wish I could have some perfect love songs picked out to play for you.
Maybe I'll just say I love you and I'm enjoying the imagination of the honey moon





I do have another love song, but its a secret that I like to keep to myself.

Dear Dane

Another letter. I've read some world politics today. A lot of perspectives to hear from. From you, I don't completely know what to believe.
I wish I could remember the name of this war movie to describe how I sometimes feel. I can't find it. To sum it up, it is about a couple who love each other. He talks dirty to her one day, and her younger sibling or cousin finds out about it and tattles on him. He is sent away and forced into the military for his crime. The woman wasn't offended, but he was demonized anyway. Thus the story goes..........
It is a reason I will never share my drama with any of my friends again. They will either try to take charge and mother me the wrong way. Or, they'll play dirty and steal him.
Putting my guard down, I really do feel embarassed by rejection. I feel embarassed when I am fooled. I am embarassed about Utah and polygamy jokes. I feel embarassed to be labeled as a hoodrat or hooker. Even though it is an insult to be a slut, the label gives more relief compared to so many other things.
I know I am a social worker and have drawn attention to issues about human rights and even sexual trafficking and human trafficking among other crimes. I probably am labeled a sexual offender by now with the way I sometimes have to fight and bully some of my own sexually offending bullies.
Nonetheless, I sometimes relate to the woman in a war movie that I can't remember the name. It is long distance. It is an undenied feeling of screaming to be held and missing you.
It is so difficult for me to be vulnerable. Undescribably difficult. I really do not want to be discriminatory over anyone, but sometimes, I do have problems when I'm identified as a man. I can go with it. I can recognize I can be tough and a waffle head. I don't think that just because a woman is a waffle head that it makes her manly. Anyway. I havn't forgotten that I've had my own personal hatred toward you. I think it is a pretty complicated and confusing relationship and not something I always have the energy for.
It continues to get tougher to have faith in anyone or believe in anything especially after I have dealt with some rejections and let downs and have even been beat up by some nazi's. I see I'm drawing your attention anyway. I'm still confused by you and where you honestly stand. Right now, I'm just at a time where I am more weaker and vulnerable than I have been and its not easy to be confident or tough all of the time. It's not easy to give a lot of attention. There are so many times I've felt alone and crying on the inside. I don't expect you to be a nurturer or get a boob job and shove them in my face or shove some random woman's boobs in my face. I simply have a hard time in dealing with life sometimes and when you get all dickish it feels as if my throat constricts and if it wasn't for the fact that I've already suffered enough and have grown more thick skinned, I would be sobbing like a baby.
I have tried to be more and more self centered and save and establish myself the best I can but it seems I have too many enemies who want me to always have a hard time at jobs and die.
I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want you to feel obligated. At the same time, I have such a hard time trying to be with you sometimes.

Dear Dane

The world around me now is obviously being presented as a big deal.
At the same time, mascots are being thrown out there. How could some people dare to expect knowing their own fallacies?
The price some people have to pay for being an elitist or having high standards or a high bar to live up to. I feel my life is continuously transitionging in that aspect and me being a snowflake in a snowflake world, it gets complicated and difficult to find grounds of reason and/or fairness.
I already know that there is no such thing as the perfect person. Some would argue that if I were serious about religion, I really should be a nun. I'm not ready to make that decision either.
I can't see all your issues. I think you may have some sort of mutual love for me that I don't understand yet and if my math is right or wrong, I love you anyway.
nuclear leaks....... shpleaks. ........
I'm going to try to express myself anyway with hopes that I'm not a walking nuclear disaster even after being referred to as a mascot.

Part of my law of snowflake, is that I think outside of the box. Even with you being a comedian, I understand you still have parts of you that are serious. I know that about myself while numbers of people still have a box mentality.

Sexuality. I know you're outgoing. Even sexually outgoing. I've already been stamped myself in the movie 9 with being sexually outgoing. I'm sorry I have to bring it up. I've never really aimed to be sexually exploitive or a pornstar. I'm not of the Roman culture. Of all the things in my life I want control over, sexuality is one of them. I have explained how I see some people as being sadists and tormenting. I'm more offended by a sadist who puts me through something they know I don't want than being offended over negative sexual remarks or namecalls. I would be called pancakes anyday than feel being sadistically preyed upon. I live a very tormented life. I see this is not news that you are happy to hear.
If you really are being serious with me, I really want to satisfy you.
I hate feeling misunderstood though that I want to be in control of making specific choices and am exclusive with some people. I'll admit it. I don't think I should have to feel ashamed that I'm not going to be a walking free sexual buffet to anyone. I have a lot of repressed thoughts of feeling misunderstood for that reason.
I am exclusive to you to try to make you feel satisfied. Outside of me pushing my limits to please you, I would not do other things for people. I really do have a religious background and despite some experiences I've had, there are times when I still want you (or whatever person I'm with in my papillon) to hold my hand or take your time with me. There are times when I don't feel so horny or erotic or turned on because I really feel awkward or disgusted by some sexual offenses. This is why I want you to hold my hand or take your time. It is the princess coming out of me. I want you to have some understanding of why I can be difficult.

I'll probably have a letter later..............

Dear Dane

Can't completely see everything yet. .........

A reminder that not everything is sexual but I mean it in a platonic sense. .......

But, I am going back to the issue of sexuality. I consider my life experiences moreso as me being tormented, tested, and avenged by a number of women.
In my college years, I threw a big fit when there were a few women hitting on me. A big fit.
I get sexually offended by both men and women, but when it comes to others labeling me, I think its more of the male ego than me being a lesbian.
There are some women I think are attractive. I really don't want to be with a woman. I just don't.
I'm sick of the torment. I'm sick of the testing. I get very very very offended at the way some women sexually offend me. There are a lot of feelings that are negative that I either forget or am forced to suppress. It is so disgusting, humiliating, private, and personal I hate feeling like I have to let it bleed out.

When you get sexual I won't deny that you turn me on. I was never out to judge you for it. There are times when I've felt off and on with you that I have ignored you. But you've had plenty of other places of satisfying yourself. I let you go, but understand I have to keep you in sight.

I really am sorry that there are things about me that may not match your standards or what you want. I've come to terms with my reality. I will go to my own limits at perfectionism, but it's not something I'll beat myself up over.

In another rumor, I think the Groves sisters are around. Its always confusing in the matrix. Trina is married to Zito and there was a movie I saw awhile ago: Match Point a movie with a tennis couple that made me paranoid. He reminded me more of Mike Jones but he also reminds me of Zito. Trina isn't on my good side. I've never wanted anyone to die at the same time. In so many instances, I've thought it better to endure drama than to do something extreme with the cards that have been handed. Extreme has already happened, but I've yet to kill anyone.
I thought I would add that gossip for more communication clarity.

I think I've also caught on to why they call you Wisconsin. I've commented that the show Chuck is cheesy. I'm sorry I havn't been keeping up with it. Maybe people paint the picture anyway of how they puzzle the matrix together and I don't completely get it still. I saw today's show. Some idea, but its cheesy and it does make me smile some.

Not Indonesia yet, but I will do a Free Willy just for you Dane

Taking guesses............................

Years ago with so many movies being thrown at me at one time, it was already established that I saw myself as Rose and my sister as Cameron Diaz in the movie, "In her Shoes." It seemed more directed at Dane T, which I still have yet to have a face to face conversation with him despite the matrix chaos.
But, even though the world turns and that Marxist's make changes throughout time, my thoughts have pretty much remained the same. Well, more of a dried up and worn out desert version. I love my sister. We are simply 2 different people period. I will never be the one to follow her or look up to her. I notice she does have an issue and even though she continuously denies that I won't worship her, she continues to compete. She does not have my respect as someone to follow after. I hate that some people are relentless and fail to see the differences that we have. I consider them lazy and too closed minded to understand that it is ok that we are different having varying strengths and weaknesses. It seems as if I keep on blindly being fed to wolves who are relentless competitors with cheering for one or the other in an inferiority battle rather than just say we are simply different. When it comes to competition with my sister, people have remained lazy about the issue, and it is a reason I feel hopeless about ever being loved. People are not sensitively smart enough to differentiate us from each other. I will never compete with her the way people want me to compete.

Speaking of ways, I also see another aggression about having more than one name. While I still have issues with the matrix and the system, I understand the complications it has. Someone even had their own perspective of that recent movie with Hugh Grant and Sarah from Sex and the City.
I can be a busy body, but when it comes to drama with people, I get laid back. I've had my issues. I've felt misunderstood. I have also given up on hope with some. And I have also been in a period of waiting, because there are times when I feel like I'm the one who feels like the literal slave in the friendship.

I'm not necessarily directing this song at you, but regardless, it is a song I sing to myself and have even annoyed others with:



It really goes back to the issue of control and power.
Further than that, it gets into competition of how to get a man's or woman's attention or their own way in general. Power of strength.
It's no wonder that I'm a loner.
I have issues with sincerity versus people using each other as competition to get something they want.
Differences in how people view relationships.

So, its not that I really am in fear or have a low self esteem in the matter (unless I'm around some sort of group or gang putting a gun to my head demanding that I be at their mercy or answer to them).
(I have warned some people of future embarassment for the fact that they don't back off and do expect me to be their slave or at their mercy).

Anyway, I'm laid back, and really in a waiting period. I'm trying to get a job in the local area, but there are not many options here. With the reality of drama that has happened, I choose to keep my distance from people. I've felt desperate. I have said that there are personal issues. Even if the matrix was designed elsewhere to have the same problems, it will not change who I am and it still defeats the argument of snowflakes that it really does sometime depend on a particular person.
It really is others that set me up to fail, or who suffocate and starve and wait for me to fail. I feel hated and persecuted.

If it is your drama or problem, I will respond to you the best I can. It's my hunch that it comes from you.

Dear Dane

I'll try to address all the drama.
Right now, I'm staying true to my word that you have me all to yourself. I'm still a flirt and nice to other guys and dancing, but nothing too severe.
I'm not ignoring possible complaints. I've already called you and others commies and having to deal with my own personal troubles is something you may eventually get. Maybe you may never understand. It probably goes back to a guess that you don't like my personality and how I deal with others in life. A guess that you dislike the stereotype of China. Anyway, I'm doing my best to deal.
Online, it seems a lot more peopley today. There are so many issues that it is hard to not be a snob, but I will be as cooperative as I can tolerate right now.
I have some kind of extra sense that some people from my church in Oklahoma may be around now. Guts church. Complications and grudges. I'll remind you of my territorial self and I really have a hard time when other people are in charge or condescending. I guess it explains some of my Burmuda and matrix wonder, but I don't completely get everything. Anyway, Megan and Shawn. I used to love him. I really have moved on from the church but it seems they are still involved in my life. It is a reason that it is awkward being friends with Megan. That, and the fact that she can be condescending. If I were to have anything I would like them to change is to acknowledge that some people think differently. My mind is not always in competitive mode. My agenda is not always the same. I'm not always on the same page. I still have issues with people taking charge or some kind of dominion over me with telling me how to run my life. You are the only person I have given permission to tell me what to do because of my life's circumstances right now. There really are some things I like about Megan and agree with. I still don't know how she is your Sampson. I don't know how serious of a Christian you are, and maybe your offense against her is with the compromise of a choice Megan Fox made that really isn't the ideal Christian stereotype? I don't know.
I still have a tough time with you judging me to call me Charlie Sheen. That really is extreme judgement to say about me. It pisses me off. It's not like you're innocent of being faithful. Why is it fair for you? I already said I'd let go of my hate with the double standard and I have and I remind you that right now, I'm still staying true to my word that I'm not with anyone.
I get confused with Leto.
In my personal life, things are ok. I've been applying for a few jobs, but sometimes it takes longer than others to officially land some kind of job.
I tried to communicate and bridge somethings yesterday with my little sis. The serious issues where I feel both of our lives are in danger. I deny that I'm on drugs. I've never made that choice a day in my life. I drink alcohol, but thats it. My sister has made that choice and still treat her as being fragile, but I don't think she'll ever see herself that way. I am scared for her and her past/present drug addictions. I know she probably is around dangerous people. I have been sent a few signals that her life is in danger. Right now, I think its more of a self righteous battle with my Kim Jong Il grandmother and her going to church together. It seems as if someone is just waiting for the either of us to get killed over any self righteous agenda for the sake of who knows what. I hate that I feel we have to compete with each other so cruelly. It is not how I want it at all. Of course it isn't fair for my life to be in danger and suffer because of her drug addiction. I think she is most threatened when she or someone else associated with her gets away with being a pig and winning while I am the one to pay the price for their piggishness. Their self rightouse bullet is for the dog issue every single time even though it was something that happened years ago at a young age. If people wanted to go further with judgement I think I already mentioned it in the blog about the Oscars. Blame me for drinking or blame me for not killing a drug lord yet. Not sure if you are on drugs. I stay silent and keep my caution. I love you. I don't want you to kill me and I don't want to kill you.
Other guesses. I have never been with a woman. I don't consider myself a lesbian. I find other women to be attractive. I could not see myself in a serious relationship or married to another woman. I hate how I have been judged in the past with the friends that I have for being a lesbian with them. They really were my friends who I loved and cherished as friends at one time. That accusation and feeling truly yet blindly betrayed by them all is another reason I no longer have friends.
I have told Sid to come out of the closet. It was a phrase that was not necessarily aimed at him being gay. I'm not being judgemental if he is or isn't. I'm just saying, I don't personally know him. I picked up on that he personally knows me and is involved in my life and has an effect on it somehow. That is why I say he hides in the closet. Too much I don't know about him. I'm the one who is expected to be at his mercy. Yes, I've had feelings for him before, but right now my heart is not with him.
Speaking of that. I really don't completly get the matrix yet. I know I was expected to be at your mercy a few years ago but there were a lot of hurts you were guilty of at the same time of hurting me around the time I watched the Daily Show. I did have feelings for Jon but he is another person I've moved on from. I'm sorry for the damage it caused us even though things didn't make much sense then. I told Tracy that I wish her and her family a good future. I swallow my pride to say I'm her asshole for loving Jon at the time because I didn't respect their marriage and Jon eventually became my asshole. I really do feel ashamed of the idea or possible reality of being a homewrecker. I can't see the real drama that goes on in his family. I'm very sorry to you too.

I really can't see the entire world around me or what my future holds. I hope you're doing well. In simpler, I hope you're having a good day. I know you just celebrated your B-Day and must be exhausted for staying up 48 hours. I'm not expecting much from you now, but I hope you are doing well.

Love
Sarah

Dear Dane

Amidst my heartbreaks and mystery, I'm enjoying the mystery.
If I could guess right now at what you want me to do is to not be a lady. You either want me to rape you or be very disrespecting of myself and beg for your love. Taking commands from you is easier said than done.
I have been angry. I have thrown fits. I can see myself throwing more fits. But I'm not ready to be your Indonesian woman yet. I'd rather find ways to challenge myself or you. I'd rather avoid it.
I'm not necessarily trying to insult you or say you are seriously unworthy of any sacrifice.
Even with you being the bigger snowflake, I have a hard time being an Indonesian woman even if the statistics and you are demanding it from me.
Can we take time?
I don't understand how some things can be done at a distance.
There is still a lot I don't know.

If there is any credit of my love you can definitely claim for yourself, you have my tears, anger, and that I'm being a tease. I'm not ready to be the Indonesian woman yet.

Obsessing Out Loud

I still think he wants to kill me.
I'm afraid of other thoughts ...............

Despite all of the hatred and insanity it felt good to cry.
With such a popular personality, he probably may not think of personal disclosure or exposure on any grounds.
Maybe he likes privacy and secrets.
My assumption to guess of how far communal living and secrets go, I don't know.

I still don't want to die. Even if he wants to kill me. I don't want him to kill me.

Sometimes, even though I scream I'm a narcissist, I wonder if he thinks I have a narcissistic love for him. SNOWFLAKES. SNOWFLAKES. Knowing, whether he thinks I'm his copycat or not that there are things I can relate to. But, if he were to measure circumference or diameter of each of our snowflakes, I'm sure I'd be smaller.
I've been insane. ...............

of course a still lusty attraction. I feel I've learned about him in the past year or few, but there seems to be a lot I don't know. He definitely is a man that has somehow been involved with me through the years.

Breaking outside my focus, I'm getting so scared and concerned that beyond love, I may have to be making a major decision soon.
Either challenged to have a higher and tougher toleration. More communal thinking. More adaptation. More cutting loose whatever cutting loose means to some people. Challenged to be more loving and people pleasing with peopley people.
The other challenge is being an assasin. When killing is right and why I should be a killer. Pressure again over issues of self worth. God Bless us Everyone. Loving the new Linkin Park cd. ........................

I really wish I could just be me. I wish I could remember the name of a story I heard awhile ago that talked about trading. Of course it is more objectifying than personal, but it has some relation about what it means to compromise ........
I already told him to tell me what to do. .....................


Somethings I'm ready for.
Somethings I'm clueless and doubt I'd be ready. Personally, I like being a hater sometimes. The idea of being an assasin makes me want to pass out.

And here I come again

Loud and clear, but not exactly clear.
I'm taking notes on you Cook.
My biggest defense is:




I'm sure you've seen it. Youtube won't let me paste the original for some reason.
Besides getting lost in the sound and not knowing what gets directed at who and the fact that I've been to the hospital a couple of times and on some hard meds for being driven insane by both harassment, psychological abuse, and bad communication. I still do have an argument and a point.
If my life really did boil down to one last drop of staying alive and surviving, I still have a very hard time coming to a conclusion. I know what I've lived through, the real choices I have made, and some recognition I have recieved. Why does it even matter any more if I'm so miserable and going bankrupt? I have thought about some of my more obvious influences that really are for the greater good. I don't have strong Italian roots, therefore the whole Roman idea is not something I'm supportive of. If I could choose to be anything through strict labels and pigeon holing, I'd rather be a conservative.
Even though I have already been criticized for some flaws on my body and that I don't have big boobs, I still take it as an insult for someone to give a hint: "You know what you're good at? Just get naked." I'm complicated with taking looks and beauty as a compliment. I value intelligence and being seen as a respected and of some intellect person. I think there is a difference between being a slut and a stripper. And, I have always been a free slut.
Being a stripper feels wrong to me. It just does. I feel I have been around and exposed to a lot of Roman culture. It may be simple and not even thought of for one person. For me to make a decision like that really is a big deal. It is a huge deal. Even though I'm a slut, I still value my sexuality. I could admit that sometimes, when entertainment isn't even about sexuality, it isn't a big deal for me to be an entertainer. I still havn't figured out the massive Burmuda, but I feel so used and it gets depressing in complications of so many paths: being drained by some unknown giving me to wide scale entertainment while I try to hold down the simplest of jobs. competition among entertainment. competition of getting the credit issues. Another reminder of privacy and 4th ammendment. Feeling violated.
It has been a battle the entire time fighting over my personal self, not being another's possession, having my privacy and rights.
It is totally different and a big deal to make the choice of being a stripper or sexual entertainer.
I have been connected to Megan before. I still argue that I have never made the choice to be in any sexual showbiz of lists of various careers in nudity. I have never been paid for any entertainment whether it be sexual or not. I have an issue with both Maggie and Megan over the issue.
I'm not of the Roman culture at all. I like the idea of personal exclusiveness and privacy even though I've already felt violated of that.
It's not even some of the guys that I've been with that I'd accuse of violation. In my younger and more innocent years, I have blamed for feeling tricked into sleeping with someone. But in my time now, when I make a choice to sleep with someone, I simply make the choice. But sleeping with someone and making the choice to give myself to some sort of media is 2 completely different things.
If there were no pigeon holing or desperation of giving a label, I'd be a libertarian before any political choice. But right now, because of extremeness, I feel more pushed to say I'm a conservative. I'd wear the label of being judgemental. When it comes to serious issues of survival, I have a seriously hard time making a decision. I hate how it sounds. I only demanded exclusive provision, but without any real relationship and even if it is with just one person, it would still destroy everything I've fought for. It would be against everything I've been.
I'm not sure how Megan is your Sampson and I get lost in the sound again when I start reading your perception.
I've also started looking at some Sheen news but havn't seen everything. I have seen the Chuck Lorre and know there is other personal drama going on with you. I'm still anorexic to Sheen's name, but I see other guesses of men that you would connect him to. It may be drama that I will eventually catch up with.

Dane, I have a really hard time making a choice. Maybe I should just think more, talk to other people not knowing who to talk to. I've been at the end of rope after rope from one job to the other. You are one complicated predator that makes it really difficult. I still would call myself a sucker for you before I would call you a rapist or blame you for all random sexual harassments that I am blind to.
As for the further complications I feel so desperate.

Here I come

Still don't completely get everything from your Mr. Wisconsin.
If I picked up on one hint, it goes back to the sexuality agenda.
This is where the 4th ammendment and some cries of unfairness have come from. It's not that I wouldn't mind being seen by you or even being sexually active with you. It is how it is set up.
It really isn't my fault if you or other people can see me in my own privacy or room. It isn't my fault that I'm being robbed of the 4th ammendment by you or anybody. Therefore, it isn't fair that people would use sexuality against me if I never had my 4th ammendment rights to begin with. Seriously. What do some people expect me to do in my own room or privacy? This is a part of tyranny that really needs to have a resolution.
It isn't fair for me to be job deprived, in poverty, going bankrupt all because I don't have my 4th ammendment.
I think it is another reason to be set up to fail. If I were to sue first off, I don't know who I'd sue. Second off, whether I sue or ask to be literally paid, I'm being extremeley set up to have some sort of living or career for being a sex object. It isn't fair for people to keep getting away with it, while I'm the one who has to suffer and where it is impossible for me to get a job because of it.
I really need serious help with this issue, because it really isn't fair.
It makes it awkward and has already been awkward because I have demanded provision and I hate even having to demand provision.
Help me settle this. I don't want to starve and die.

Dear Dane

Yes, I'm jealous and don't want to think about you having sex with someone else. You sure make it extremely difficult to try to work with. It doesn't make any sense to me that you would try to work with serious issues while still playing with serious emotions. Can't you at least keep some things to yourself?
So many reasons to my list of how impossible life is. .........

Speaking of impossible, I did read this article:
http://www.aolnews.com/2011/03/08/wisconsin-gov-scott-walker-proposes-union-compromise-in-e-mails/?icid=maing%7Cmaing5%7Cdl1%7Csec3_lnk2%7C49241

I get the gist that I am being heard and that there is some level of compromise or cooperation which I don't know the specifics or if its just another B.S. way of avoidance and messing around which will still have no resolution.
In talking about impossible, I did see the name Bob. I'm sure if you've been reading my blogs, you'll already know there is drama with his son. The family is part of my Burmuda and one target of where my personal blame is. Of course Bob is going to be impossible because there are personal issues involved. I think his mind is made up that no matter what, there is nothing at all I'm good at. He has his mind made up that I am permanently inadequate. He is impossible period. He could be another French Tyranist, but I still like you better. I really don't know Bob well, and he is another that I feel belittled and hated to death with hawkishness of being anal retentive with every mistake. His mind is set that I can do nothing right and I am nothing but a mistake and inadequate. He is a bully.
I still have my papillon and will not let him rob me of my confidence and know I really am adequate. There is simply more drama and personal issues where it really is impossible to work within, among, or around him.

I don't know if you even communistically have a job set up and waiting for me, wondering what my next commie and rigged environment will be.
Maybe it's simply more B.S. where you're the one who is waiting to see what I'm going to do.
Salary? I think I'd have better luck with the salary issue in a city compared to a small town. I think finding a job significantly above minimum wage is another thing that is close to impossible and simply not a common find in this town.
I've already said that I am going through a bankruptcy and have started saving some, but I still don't have enough to get out of town yet.

So, that's all I can think of or bring right now.

Scary Imagination land

I really with I knew how to make this blog exclusive or private.

Sometimes, I really hate being lonely and being on my own. Despite science I don't yet know and mind games or control I don't understand, I can't help but be curious and wonder.

The idea of having some kind of gang or some sort of group or secret intelligence agency who may be responsible for some deaths in some crazy imagination mind game really scares the shit out of me sometimes. I don't take my paranoia too seriously, but I can't help but wonder during specific times in the matrix if some people have some kind of symbolic connection or meaning that I would hate to feel responsible for. Its not my fault; I don't want to have that responsibility for something psycho someone else could have done.
Alice in Chains, one of the songs he is known for "Man in the Box." I still don't know how far of a definition a death means or all translations in code or whatever. Maybe it means nothing at all, but I have noticed variations of strong or weak paranoia among deaths.

I've bitched about my feelings of relation to the song before. I know socialism and capitalism must be progressively evolved, experimented, and tested with, but the idea of the matrix scares me sometimes. I don't want to feel like my soul or being will always be naked and that people will always know what is going on in my life. I won't have to worry about labels anymore. Its one of those crazy matrix moments where I want to scream "That's not what I meant!"
I'm so scared by what I don't know.
I like privacy, I like secrets, but I hate that even though my being may be naked I will still be somehow rigged, pigeon holed, or it being the cause of some route in the matrix. I don't want to think about the system now. I don't want to think about the system. Distract my mind distract my mind distract my mind.
I hate other possible things or rumors that could be going on.

SNL had some blessings

I really do want people to know that I told both my mom and dad that I said it to their face that I love them. It has been so long since I have told my parents that I love them. My heart has been ice for awhile; to actually say it makes it an eventful day. Its still awkward. I'm not saying what terms we are on, but I did tell my parents that I love them.

Before I get into SNL; even though I have so much adoration for Jim Carey; I am still available and my statement earlier still stands on Twitter.
Later blog on philosophy: Elaborated thoughts of experience and opportunity.

You know, as much as Jim's personality shines, I'm still having a hard time figuring him out or understanding him. Maybe he doesn't want me to know or understand him on a more deep or personal level.
Anyway, Mindy. I take it as a relief that he would be bold to propose like that. I have my own issues with Mindy, but overall, I really appreciate Mindy. I understand the complexity of the situation. She really wasn't fair in communication. She had such a message, and I feel if there has anyone who has coached me well in life, Mindy gets a lot of credit for the message and purpose that she preached and teached.
To remind people, my father never raped me. He is a control freak. I was going through a hard time and will own up to the fact that I went off the deep end. As communication furthers and develops, I think there really are some Dr's that are admitting that I'm not a schiz. At the same time, I havn't forgotten my own sacrifices and sufferings. It has been 10 years since my severe hysteria. I think people really would like to use anything they can grasp as an excuse to say I deserve more torture; I will again say that I will never deny myself of human rights.
Back to Mindy......... Even though she taught me so many positive things; I don't identify completely with her, I can't say I am a true follower. I would say if there was a real contest of modesty, morality, or who is a more dedicated Christian (I really hate having to say it like this) but Mindy would win. I still have a serious issue with communications, which really is a crucial point, but for the other descriptors she would have the better reputation of matching those.
I hate to say it like that. I don't want her to be a vulnerable adult, or communistically and tortuously tested severely. I know she can decide things for herself, but for other people that I like, I want her to be protected too.

Jim, there are a couple of scenes that I will have to go back and rewatch. Sometimes, it feels like there is so much info at once and with high stress, figuring out how to decode and take it, and having emotions and a heart, sometimes it gets really overwhelming. Other times, I feel worn out.

I loved the conclusion of the show. No, I can't say I'm a desperate Hobo at the time. I really would rather silence myself and be longsuffering for my parents and sister right now to have toleration and a reasonably said assertive separation.
But, back to the show's ending, I laughed so hard at the hobo band's negligence of the audience. Not only is it a sincere laugh, but it is a compassionate heart felt laugh that the rich upper class probably hates in the worst way.
They are already desperate Hobos that are desperately performing and at the same time; they still have their strength and pride to not become the audience's slave. I laughed so hard when they complained about the music and they said "no," and continued on singing out their sincere, real hobo heart. Hobo pride!!!!!!!!
Some may not understand. I think outside cookie cutters. I have no problem with a hobo keeping their pride. They are the needy. They are the ones who are hurting. Does that mean that they should have a license to be whatever? No. Yes, they still should be entitled to dignity and freedom, but at that point, I understand how hard it must be to not be an anarchist.
They do not let the rich take advantage, and even though it isn't a real scenario, it is an influenced broadcast of hobo pride and not becoming the slave of another just because they have nothing left.

I love you middle class and poverty class in a political way. In an understanding way. At the same time; I'm still my own complicated snowflake. I am still one who is difficult to manipulate or take advantage of. Even in my own financial class.
I am angry with the wealthy, because there really are some wealthy who are either ignorant of the tyranny or slaving mentality, or they are consciously aware and still get away with it anyway.

In this situation, I am picking the middle class and poverty class because I really understand the suffering and heart ache. I understand freedom and rights and it is so painfully hard to look sometimes at the real vulnerability and pressures. It is a hard thing to deal with. It is very complicated and complex to deal with.
Besides myself, I really do hope for others to have an alert and thoughtful heart and mind. I hope people really do increase intellect and understanding and find ways to stand and keep their ground. I hope that people will work a little harder for morality sometimes, not in an extreme religious way, even though it is still a free will if some want to be that way in any type of religion: monk, nun, rabbi, buddhist. I want people to understand balance. I want people to be less lazy and more mindful. Just because a person isn't mindful of a favored interest of another doesn't make them stupid either. It is their own free will to choose what a person wants to put their mind to. I hope people will know when and how to make good choices sometimes when having to deal with some issues.

I know I'm not perfect. I'm not the most brilliant. It is an overwhelming and I think a really large world sometimes.
I like to share another song from "a few of my favorite things." No, he's not a thing, but its good inspiration:

Happy New Year

Ok, it seems it has been awhile since I've written a blog. This one is more reflective, low key, and traditional.
I may not be as far as I want to be in life. Even though I still believe in my snowflake theory and uniqueness, I found a little bit of relief in an article of somewhat comparative relation:

http://feeds.bignewsnetwork.com/?rid=41687392&cat=145bb158ac2f80f2

It leads me to my next resolution: I really want to buy the Rosetta Stone and learn a new language. No, I sure do not know 5 different languages, but one language is enough of a start. I'll give myself about a year to really develop and ingrain a new language in me, then I might move on to learn another language. It is a tough decision. I already have a few high school Spanish classes, but am nowhere near fluent. I'm thinking of Spanish, Russian, or pick out an Asian language. I think it is either Japanese or Chinese that is said to have the largest vocabulary in the world, so it might take a couple of years to master an Asian language.

Anyway, I lost more weight without great effort. So, it is one thing to be happy about. I really did lose a pant size. I was so excited. I think it is wierd to have lost so much with hardly even trying. I didn't make any weight loss plans at all. During one period in my life when I became overweight, I mean I really really planned to lose that weight. I lost 30 pounds. I really had to spend a lot of time in research, and in breaking a bad habit, it took a lot of effort in many routes to be very self-disciplined in losing all that weight.
This time, its only 10 lbs that I lost, but I find it very surprising that I lost 10 lbs and a pant size without even trying. Maybe it was due to a period of continued habit. I don't know if I will be losing any more weight by steady habit, but I am satisfied with the weight I'm at.

I also started on a new financial goal. While my finances are not impressive at all, I heard that going bankrupt is actually better for my credit than a continued low credit score. It will be a long term goal to have some sort of impressive savings for my literal job class.

I'm still working on crafts and developing skills. Time is another issue I've learned, where it seems I never have enough time.

Anyway, it has been another depressing and angry year, but I have a few things I can be happy about with some self satisfaction.