Dear Dane

Another letter. I've read some world politics today. A lot of perspectives to hear from. From you, I don't completely know what to believe.
I wish I could remember the name of this war movie to describe how I sometimes feel. I can't find it. To sum it up, it is about a couple who love each other. He talks dirty to her one day, and her younger sibling or cousin finds out about it and tattles on him. He is sent away and forced into the military for his crime. The woman wasn't offended, but he was demonized anyway. Thus the story goes..........
It is a reason I will never share my drama with any of my friends again. They will either try to take charge and mother me the wrong way. Or, they'll play dirty and steal him.
Putting my guard down, I really do feel embarassed by rejection. I feel embarassed when I am fooled. I am embarassed about Utah and polygamy jokes. I feel embarassed to be labeled as a hoodrat or hooker. Even though it is an insult to be a slut, the label gives more relief compared to so many other things.
I know I am a social worker and have drawn attention to issues about human rights and even sexual trafficking and human trafficking among other crimes. I probably am labeled a sexual offender by now with the way I sometimes have to fight and bully some of my own sexually offending bullies.
Nonetheless, I sometimes relate to the woman in a war movie that I can't remember the name. It is long distance. It is an undenied feeling of screaming to be held and missing you.
It is so difficult for me to be vulnerable. Undescribably difficult. I really do not want to be discriminatory over anyone, but sometimes, I do have problems when I'm identified as a man. I can go with it. I can recognize I can be tough and a waffle head. I don't think that just because a woman is a waffle head that it makes her manly. Anyway. I havn't forgotten that I've had my own personal hatred toward you. I think it is a pretty complicated and confusing relationship and not something I always have the energy for.
It continues to get tougher to have faith in anyone or believe in anything especially after I have dealt with some rejections and let downs and have even been beat up by some nazi's. I see I'm drawing your attention anyway. I'm still confused by you and where you honestly stand. Right now, I'm just at a time where I am more weaker and vulnerable than I have been and its not easy to be confident or tough all of the time. It's not easy to give a lot of attention. There are so many times I've felt alone and crying on the inside. I don't expect you to be a nurturer or get a boob job and shove them in my face or shove some random woman's boobs in my face. I simply have a hard time in dealing with life sometimes and when you get all dickish it feels as if my throat constricts and if it wasn't for the fact that I've already suffered enough and have grown more thick skinned, I would be sobbing like a baby.
I have tried to be more and more self centered and save and establish myself the best I can but it seems I have too many enemies who want me to always have a hard time at jobs and die.
I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want you to feel obligated. At the same time, I have such a hard time trying to be with you sometimes.