While you take the time to look at and analyze me with your beastly eyes, I'm actually enjoying either a delusion or real paranoia that in your own sense, you're holding me in my vulnerability. I told you I'd play with the idea of the honey moon.
With how it has usually gone, I'm predicting that sometime soon I will feel some sort of your cruel pain or something wrong. I don't think it would be fair to blame me for being jealous right now. I don't want to really rant a whole lot about the thought.
Anyway, even though I have a belief as Alanis Morisette would sing: "You see everything," I still like to write you letters anyway because, you may not know everything that goes on in my mind and I like feeling like I'm personally taking action to be in contact with you.
Yesterday's drama was very serious though. Something is up. I still have a fear in me. I still feel a warning. There is no communication yet where I have an understanding of the serious issue that is going on.
I hope you are doing well. Right now here in Cumberland, there is some local drama. I am still disgusted at the teachers I had to deal with at ACC. This is an example where I feel ignored of my entire being and I am at "their mercy," for having a "second chance." whatever. I think it is oil suppression planning. I'll never get the credit of my reality until years later, one of the wealthy either gets bored or has a different propaganda where there is no risk or inconvenience to have my realness shown.
There are some people who I feel know me more than I know them and it is some odd relationships that have yet to be defined. Right now, its just a simple name calling game where everyone is calling each other dogs. Not really a big deal right now.
The drama yesterday was serious though. I don't know what waits for me if there is anything to be discovered. Speaking of that, is the idea: "What you don't know won't hurt you." I've actually had some brain storms of that statement. What if what I don't know will eventually hurt me in some way? People have complained over ignorance before where they feel people have had to experience a lot of negative effects due to ignorance. Further branches into being fair: If that person chose to keep something a secret and want to keep another ignorant, why should the person who is ignorant have it be at their expense? Further piggishness would complain for not being aggressive. Than said on both ends with different motives of thought: Nobody cared enough about you to let you in or know some things. But even though I get depressed, I have never been suicidal over the fact that people's aggression of saying I'm of lower value because I was never loved or cared for enough. I have my own perspective of values, and depths of care or love. Sometimes, I have been aggressive, other times, I havn't. I do things at my own convenience or leisure as well. I have never been good at knowing how to be desperate.
Because of this previous idea, it brings back a sense of pride in my West Virginia upbringing of being born to be adventerous:
I'm at a new time where my world seems to be a little more chaotic. Right now, I have no choice but to take further responsibility. I'm going to be attending a local police class soon where there are strong suggestions that there is serious info to be shared. This is a big deal to me. There is apprehension that I may be a little embarassed for having to be a psycho path with some, but I have too much pride in myself to feel devastatingly embarassed. What I'm more concerned with is the knowing and acknowledgement that I will be taking a big step towards responsibility. I've already shared some thoughts and talks about good guy and bad guy. There are times I've experimented with the whole world of the bad guy, whether I'm the bad guy or involved with the bad guy. I already said I would rather be seen as judgemental and prudish when push comes to shove in labeling. It is why I feel some sense of remorse in taking this step towards responsibility. I won't be able to be as daring or playful anymore lest I be told: "You officially know better." Some people don't know better or care to know better. Some actions are a second nature to people whether they ever feel or get punished for it. This is what would distinguish me from other bad guys. If I were ever a bad guy in the future: I was told. I should know better.
There are benefits of ignorance and bliss. At this time, bliss is not an option. My structured path of being a more informed prude has had the carpet rolled before me.
Oh Dane. Help me continue to have fun in life and have a more sensitive understanding of the pressures that I have in life. As much as I want to avoid a heartbreak, I wouldn't mind if you were a little closer to me. I don't know how much longer I can play with either delusion or real paranoia, but I hope there is real physical person to person encounters and approaches that I can get from you.
Thinking of you and have a fun day!
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