(watch the most recent Bubble Boy movie and you may get it)
I have a lot of time that I spend on my own.
A lot of time to think on my own.
Believe it or not, there are hundreds of issues I brainstorm about all of the time. The Bright and Shiny cult is a part of a cult that I do brain storm with.
If I were to seriously make a decision to be of any religion or cult, I'm the type that has a backbone about it. I'd run with Jared Leto's 30 seconds to Mars before I would run with the Bright and Shiny Cult.
I deny that I'm in any cult.
Don't get me wrong. I like to be optimistic and have happy emotions.
I'm happy for you if you are happy and if your mind is made up in your beliefs to drop all negative feelings and be happy.
Call me drama queen. Call me whatever. I've already been through this argument. I am not afraid or shameful to have negative emotions that include anger, hatred, sadness, and self pity. I'm not ashamed whatsoever.
I think it is wrong to tell people what emotions to have period.
I love being real with myself.
I think it is selfish of you, knowing what I've lived through: constantly getting fired and going through bankruptcy, for you to say I shouldn't be angry.
It is very selfish of you after I am getting severely wronged and screwed over to say I should have no angry feelings at all.
I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.
Do I even blame you for everything? No. I really don't know who to blame. I would think that it is a number of people.
It seems moreso, you have a queen that you are sticking to and trying to make happy. While making her happy, you feel as if "her people beneath her," (I AM NOBODY'S POSSESSION). should all be happy. Therefore, when you see someone who is dissatisfied with their life (me), you feel it is your duty to appease your queen so she doesn't feel like there is anything wrong with her. She wants to be a people pleaser, and because I am not pleased, you think I should drop my anger for the sake of your queen because your queen does not like feeling inadequate.
It isn't fair to me Dane.
I am at my limits right now in saying how far I would go. Being your woman on the side is as far as I'd go.
I'm not laying my life down for your queen just so she doesn't feel inadequate. It isn't fair for you to rob me of being queen of my own world and robbing me of my true emotions and anger.
I will never kiss her feet.
I will never be her possession.
You have to respect I will not be part of your commune either. I am a separatist. I hate that I am expected to suffer for another. I am my own person.
I've already compromised some of my dreams for the present time by actually saying that I would be your woman on the side until someone else comes along.
For the longest time I have been living like a slut, because you know what? I think if I were ever in a serious relationship with a guy, I should be the first woman of priority. I should come before any other woman. I should also not have to tolerate a list of types of abuses. You have made it clear that you want to be from the bright and shiny cult and really aren't the abusive type. I don't have a problem with you not wanting to be abusive. But it is asking way too much for you to think I should not only compromise my value of wanting a relationship of fidelity, but that you think I should actually let my anger go so your queen doesn't feel inadequate. I put myself before your queen but I give you your free will.
I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF ANY FURTHER. IF YOU CONTINUE TO TEST ME TO COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR YOUR QUEEN I WILL GET LOUD. I WILL EMBARASS YOU EVEN IF YOU HAVE MORE MISSILES TO EMBARASS ME. YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH EXPECTING THOSE PIGGISH DEMANDS AND PUSHING ME EVEN FURTHER TO COMPROMISE.
I'M ALREADY HURTING, EMBARASSED, AND IN ENOUGH PAIN KNOWING THAT I'M NOT YOUR NUMBER 1 PRIORITY, KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE HURT ME AND THAT I CAN'T FIND ANYONE BETTER THAN YOU. I'M HURT BECAUSE I FEEL MY DREAMS ARE ALREADY BUSTED AND TAINTED.
YOU CAN'T FORCE A PERSON TO BE HAPPY OF SOMETHING THEY REALLY AREN'T HAPPY ABOUT.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Dear Dane
I want to make myself clear.
Yes, I still give you control of any sort of relationship I have with you.
However, I still have my limits and boundaries.
I really question you and who you really are as a person when you start testing me with Maggie.
I have been repulsed and nauseated of her time after time after time. There is 0 respect there. I am aware of numbers of people and obsessions of stalking and making judgement. There is nothing I can do about stalkers or how others decide to judge me.
I would rather be labeled as a ridiculous slut in some sort of soap opera before I would EVER have some sort of positive side with Maggie.
Maybe it is just a manipulation from you to characterize some other female you have in your life that I would guess at where you want to start molding a perception of how you want me to percieve her.
Just call it Jerry Springer or some sort of soap opera.
There is nothing I can do about it that you would pick her over me.
I already told you it is possible that I can love you more than you love me.
I am still here.
I would be a person on the side who is available or waiting for you if you ever needed me. It makes it difficult though for me to make any promises to you for me to give you faithfulness or fidelity. I would be confusingly shady about it.
So whether you are being sincere or testing me, these are the cards that I put on your table as my response.
Yes, I still give you control of any sort of relationship I have with you.
However, I still have my limits and boundaries.
I really question you and who you really are as a person when you start testing me with Maggie.
I have been repulsed and nauseated of her time after time after time. There is 0 respect there. I am aware of numbers of people and obsessions of stalking and making judgement. There is nothing I can do about stalkers or how others decide to judge me.
I would rather be labeled as a ridiculous slut in some sort of soap opera before I would EVER have some sort of positive side with Maggie.
Maybe it is just a manipulation from you to characterize some other female you have in your life that I would guess at where you want to start molding a perception of how you want me to percieve her.
Just call it Jerry Springer or some sort of soap opera.
There is nothing I can do about it that you would pick her over me.
I already told you it is possible that I can love you more than you love me.
I am still here.
I would be a person on the side who is available or waiting for you if you ever needed me. It makes it difficult though for me to make any promises to you for me to give you faithfulness or fidelity. I would be confusingly shady about it.
So whether you are being sincere or testing me, these are the cards that I put on your table as my response.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Dear Dane
Nothing new really this morning. I have fresh ideas on my mind.
I know sometimes, men think that whining and complaining is annoying and pointless. I'd rather risk having those labels than not trying at all.
It is some Russian paranoia. I think there is acknowledgement that even though I'm still considered a small person, that I'm still standing on the inside. It bothers me with the way they challenge me as a leader.
It goes back to the idea of issues of balance and possessiveness.
Of course Russia is known as being corrupt. Further than that is the fact that within their corruption, they have the potential to be expert manipulators that go unnoticed when it comes to slave labor and issues of give and take. Right now, I'm thinking more of values than financially if values are ever at all honestly cared for or taken into account with Russia.
I think they expect too much of me when it comes to accountability. Back to slave labor.
Even within the U.S., some people fail to see just how impossible others are. I think Russia wants to blame me for Stalinism or starving people.
Russia does not fairly do the math.
I do not have a literal title.
I am not wealthy.
I am the one who is scapegoated.
I am the one who works among impossible people that are guilty of starving me themselves with their lack of realness or acknowledgement.
To have some sort of fairness with the U.S., there have been several people to acknowledge how difficult it is to find people these days who are being real.
Some people are too wrapped up in competition, hatefulness, their own selfish ways that they aren't real.
Russia however, expects me to continue to "feed" people. What I mean by that is maintaining communication and giving responses with a sincere and genuine heart. Throwing pearls to swine. They don't see it that way of course.
They would rather hold me accountable for being responsible for starving others when I'm the one who has been with the short end of the stick.
Russia seems more impossible than America for the fact that I feel more ignored over the fact that they don't even make effort to fight off their own label of corruption to prove they are trusting and continue to insist that I not ignore or be neglectful of the impossible takers in my life.
The torment of the U.S. and the piggishness and arrogance of most. Some would deny how impossible and without reason they are and continue in insisting thier arrogance and how I'm inferior or lie about me altogether.
I still have issues with the way people compete.
I really have given up and become hopeless.
It makes no sense for me to keep trying at a job, but I do anyway because even if I can hold a job for a couple of months, I still would try to make whatever cash when I can. Desperate to survive.
As for last night, I had to make comments. I still love you. I don't always believe what the media says and I have doubts about other things. It is rare that I am on the same page as others but I like to keep myself a little informed of what is going on in the world around me. I really would rather continue to try to work things out with you whenever I can. I find it hard to believe you are being a sincere woman hater by demanding me or another to get on my knees at any command. Even though you have been hateful, it just doesn't seem to make sense that that is how you're reacting. Don't be surprised if Maggie stalkishly reads this too to try to take control or dictate how I see you. Other women are sadistically obsessed over any opportunity to tell me how to live. Men too.
I've hardly worked as a social worker and already feel burned with how some try so hard to compete with me. I'm so disgusted of people telling me how to live. More disgusted by that than if you seriously were demanding to suck your cock.
My personality does not match Lady Gaga's paparazzi song at all. I'm not obsessed with being the paparazzi's people pleaser.
I hate how I'm vulnerable to the immature judgement of others. I hate how I'm vulnerable of being watched and framed altogether.
I'm going to go work out now.
I know sometimes, men think that whining and complaining is annoying and pointless. I'd rather risk having those labels than not trying at all.
It is some Russian paranoia. I think there is acknowledgement that even though I'm still considered a small person, that I'm still standing on the inside. It bothers me with the way they challenge me as a leader.
It goes back to the idea of issues of balance and possessiveness.
Of course Russia is known as being corrupt. Further than that is the fact that within their corruption, they have the potential to be expert manipulators that go unnoticed when it comes to slave labor and issues of give and take. Right now, I'm thinking more of values than financially if values are ever at all honestly cared for or taken into account with Russia.
I think they expect too much of me when it comes to accountability. Back to slave labor.
Even within the U.S., some people fail to see just how impossible others are. I think Russia wants to blame me for Stalinism or starving people.
Russia does not fairly do the math.
I do not have a literal title.
I am not wealthy.
I am the one who is scapegoated.
I am the one who works among impossible people that are guilty of starving me themselves with their lack of realness or acknowledgement.
To have some sort of fairness with the U.S., there have been several people to acknowledge how difficult it is to find people these days who are being real.
Some people are too wrapped up in competition, hatefulness, their own selfish ways that they aren't real.
Russia however, expects me to continue to "feed" people. What I mean by that is maintaining communication and giving responses with a sincere and genuine heart. Throwing pearls to swine. They don't see it that way of course.
They would rather hold me accountable for being responsible for starving others when I'm the one who has been with the short end of the stick.
Russia seems more impossible than America for the fact that I feel more ignored over the fact that they don't even make effort to fight off their own label of corruption to prove they are trusting and continue to insist that I not ignore or be neglectful of the impossible takers in my life.
The torment of the U.S. and the piggishness and arrogance of most. Some would deny how impossible and without reason they are and continue in insisting thier arrogance and how I'm inferior or lie about me altogether.
I still have issues with the way people compete.
I really have given up and become hopeless.
It makes no sense for me to keep trying at a job, but I do anyway because even if I can hold a job for a couple of months, I still would try to make whatever cash when I can. Desperate to survive.
As for last night, I had to make comments. I still love you. I don't always believe what the media says and I have doubts about other things. It is rare that I am on the same page as others but I like to keep myself a little informed of what is going on in the world around me. I really would rather continue to try to work things out with you whenever I can. I find it hard to believe you are being a sincere woman hater by demanding me or another to get on my knees at any command. Even though you have been hateful, it just doesn't seem to make sense that that is how you're reacting. Don't be surprised if Maggie stalkishly reads this too to try to take control or dictate how I see you. Other women are sadistically obsessed over any opportunity to tell me how to live. Men too.
I've hardly worked as a social worker and already feel burned with how some try so hard to compete with me. I'm so disgusted of people telling me how to live. More disgusted by that than if you seriously were demanding to suck your cock.
My personality does not match Lady Gaga's paparazzi song at all. I'm not obsessed with being the paparazzi's people pleaser.
I hate how I'm vulnerable to the immature judgement of others. I hate how I'm vulnerable of being watched and framed altogether.
I'm going to go work out now.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Dear Dane
While I'm in love mode...............
I do have some memories of your real life stalking. Bad and good but remembering the good. ................
It's funny that I think I mistakingly called you a mysogynist (pain lover) instead of a mashochist (woman hater).
I think I'm the real mysogynist. Not completely. I like romance, teddy bears and flowers too.
But, I know there were times you did come on to me. Because you are a self-admitted liar, it really is difficult and confusing knowing what to believe of you. Also, the reality of your actual star status and the women you've dated. How could anyone expect me to not be a little on the insecure side? It really is difficult juggling that and still having a good sense of self respect. I have my pride and ego too.
Speaking of that is back to me being the Sampson of your breadwinner mentality.................
I'm playing with ideas. To set in stone of any concrete or serious relationship is something that I still leave in your control. It also goes back to other cycles of my personal labels of staying in some sort of relationship with you........
Anyway...... Let's say I was jobless and you were the provider. I'd have a hard time with it. It would be a huge change in my life. I've gone through a lot of unemployment and it is really painful and sometimes horrifying with having to rely on my parents. Horrifying.
I do bite numerous hands with the ability to feed me. I have pride and it is hard for me to deal with during so many times that I feel people are desperately trying to rob me of anything. I even have a B.S. degree. It may not be a Masters or Dr's. I don't want to go into detail with titles and everything but I sure you have some idea of how I must feel.
I really like rolling with the honey moon imagination, but are you really the provider and have we really gone on vacation anywhere?
Stupid question but showing I really do have some sanity.
Speaking of my insanity, I'm getting to the point of remembering why I love you.
You're more than a pretty face too. I really do admire a guy showing his vulnerability. I think it is brave. Your outgoing personality can be a little complicated to figure out how to handle, but even though you are a self admitted liar, I like how you express yourself anyway. And have the obvious humor to go with it.
It's really not always funny. Funny for some men or even women, but there are times when I'm not laughing........
Sorry if I somehow spoil it by being over reaching or trying too hard. While I'm in love mode, I don't want to miss the chance to take real action to show how I feel.
I've already learned that some hunters have different results of perceptions compared to my actions. I've always dealt with that difficulty as well.
People forget about the oil rig concept.
People forget that not every one is on the same page.
People forget that different people care about a number of different things.
People forget about the snowflake concept altogether.
I really do want to keep a man around. I know I can be annoying, but I really want to figure out how keep a man around. Not just a fling or one night stand or whatever. You're definitely a sore thumb sticking out for one to assume you're not the type of man that stays around.
I think there may be obvious cues of other men around. Men who could be potentials. Reminds me how much I hate the game and the field. players players players.
I'm not committed to anyone. I've had past lovers in Burmuda, but I don't really have any serious relationships with anyone right now. I'm labeled as single and confused yet in love mode with you.
I love you Dane
Sincerely,
Sarah
I do have some memories of your real life stalking. Bad and good but remembering the good. ................
It's funny that I think I mistakingly called you a mysogynist (pain lover) instead of a mashochist (woman hater).
I think I'm the real mysogynist. Not completely. I like romance, teddy bears and flowers too.
But, I know there were times you did come on to me. Because you are a self-admitted liar, it really is difficult and confusing knowing what to believe of you. Also, the reality of your actual star status and the women you've dated. How could anyone expect me to not be a little on the insecure side? It really is difficult juggling that and still having a good sense of self respect. I have my pride and ego too.
Speaking of that is back to me being the Sampson of your breadwinner mentality.................
I'm playing with ideas. To set in stone of any concrete or serious relationship is something that I still leave in your control. It also goes back to other cycles of my personal labels of staying in some sort of relationship with you........
Anyway...... Let's say I was jobless and you were the provider. I'd have a hard time with it. It would be a huge change in my life. I've gone through a lot of unemployment and it is really painful and sometimes horrifying with having to rely on my parents. Horrifying.
I do bite numerous hands with the ability to feed me. I have pride and it is hard for me to deal with during so many times that I feel people are desperately trying to rob me of anything. I even have a B.S. degree. It may not be a Masters or Dr's. I don't want to go into detail with titles and everything but I sure you have some idea of how I must feel.
I really like rolling with the honey moon imagination, but are you really the provider and have we really gone on vacation anywhere?
Stupid question but showing I really do have some sanity.
Speaking of my insanity, I'm getting to the point of remembering why I love you.
You're more than a pretty face too. I really do admire a guy showing his vulnerability. I think it is brave. Your outgoing personality can be a little complicated to figure out how to handle, but even though you are a self admitted liar, I like how you express yourself anyway. And have the obvious humor to go with it.
It's really not always funny. Funny for some men or even women, but there are times when I'm not laughing........
Sorry if I somehow spoil it by being over reaching or trying too hard. While I'm in love mode, I don't want to miss the chance to take real action to show how I feel.
I've already learned that some hunters have different results of perceptions compared to my actions. I've always dealt with that difficulty as well.
People forget about the oil rig concept.
People forget that not every one is on the same page.
People forget that different people care about a number of different things.
People forget about the snowflake concept altogether.
I really do want to keep a man around. I know I can be annoying, but I really want to figure out how keep a man around. Not just a fling or one night stand or whatever. You're definitely a sore thumb sticking out for one to assume you're not the type of man that stays around.
I think there may be obvious cues of other men around. Men who could be potentials. Reminds me how much I hate the game and the field. players players players.
I'm not committed to anyone. I've had past lovers in Burmuda, but I don't really have any serious relationships with anyone right now. I'm labeled as single and confused yet in love mode with you.
I love you Dane
Sincerely,
Sarah
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Dear Dane
While you take the time to look at and analyze me with your beastly eyes, I'm actually enjoying either a delusion or real paranoia that in your own sense, you're holding me in my vulnerability. I told you I'd play with the idea of the honey moon.
With how it has usually gone, I'm predicting that sometime soon I will feel some sort of your cruel pain or something wrong. I don't think it would be fair to blame me for being jealous right now. I don't want to really rant a whole lot about the thought.
Anyway, even though I have a belief as Alanis Morisette would sing: "You see everything," I still like to write you letters anyway because, you may not know everything that goes on in my mind and I like feeling like I'm personally taking action to be in contact with you.
Yesterday's drama was very serious though. Something is up. I still have a fear in me. I still feel a warning. There is no communication yet where I have an understanding of the serious issue that is going on.
I hope you are doing well. Right now here in Cumberland, there is some local drama. I am still disgusted at the teachers I had to deal with at ACC. This is an example where I feel ignored of my entire being and I am at "their mercy," for having a "second chance." whatever. I think it is oil suppression planning. I'll never get the credit of my reality until years later, one of the wealthy either gets bored or has a different propaganda where there is no risk or inconvenience to have my realness shown.
There are some people who I feel know me more than I know them and it is some odd relationships that have yet to be defined. Right now, its just a simple name calling game where everyone is calling each other dogs. Not really a big deal right now.
The drama yesterday was serious though. I don't know what waits for me if there is anything to be discovered. Speaking of that, is the idea: "What you don't know won't hurt you." I've actually had some brain storms of that statement. What if what I don't know will eventually hurt me in some way? People have complained over ignorance before where they feel people have had to experience a lot of negative effects due to ignorance. Further branches into being fair: If that person chose to keep something a secret and want to keep another ignorant, why should the person who is ignorant have it be at their expense? Further piggishness would complain for not being aggressive. Than said on both ends with different motives of thought: Nobody cared enough about you to let you in or know some things. But even though I get depressed, I have never been suicidal over the fact that people's aggression of saying I'm of lower value because I was never loved or cared for enough. I have my own perspective of values, and depths of care or love. Sometimes, I have been aggressive, other times, I havn't. I do things at my own convenience or leisure as well. I have never been good at knowing how to be desperate.
Because of this previous idea, it brings back a sense of pride in my West Virginia upbringing of being born to be adventerous:
I'm at a new time where my world seems to be a little more chaotic. Right now, I have no choice but to take further responsibility. I'm going to be attending a local police class soon where there are strong suggestions that there is serious info to be shared. This is a big deal to me. There is apprehension that I may be a little embarassed for having to be a psycho path with some, but I have too much pride in myself to feel devastatingly embarassed. What I'm more concerned with is the knowing and acknowledgement that I will be taking a big step towards responsibility. I've already shared some thoughts and talks about good guy and bad guy. There are times I've experimented with the whole world of the bad guy, whether I'm the bad guy or involved with the bad guy. I already said I would rather be seen as judgemental and prudish when push comes to shove in labeling. It is why I feel some sense of remorse in taking this step towards responsibility. I won't be able to be as daring or playful anymore lest I be told: "You officially know better." Some people don't know better or care to know better. Some actions are a second nature to people whether they ever feel or get punished for it. This is what would distinguish me from other bad guys. If I were ever a bad guy in the future: I was told. I should know better.
There are benefits of ignorance and bliss. At this time, bliss is not an option. My structured path of being a more informed prude has had the carpet rolled before me.
Oh Dane. Help me continue to have fun in life and have a more sensitive understanding of the pressures that I have in life. As much as I want to avoid a heartbreak, I wouldn't mind if you were a little closer to me. I don't know how much longer I can play with either delusion or real paranoia, but I hope there is real physical person to person encounters and approaches that I can get from you.
Thinking of you and have a fun day!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Dear Dane
I am going to write you a love song. Well, a love letter anyway.
I'm picking up on some positive hints and it makes me smile.
Despite communism, having to be right in relationships and love, and my reality of desperation, I love you.
I do feel insecure from time to time. I don't completely get everything in my insecurity. I'm not looking to be an entertainer, so missing out on opportunities of entertainment won't destroy me, but it has an odds of making me a more vulnerable adult and hatred from numbers of people that demand I compete.
I don't care. The big picture still doesn't make sense.
Some of your positive hints don't make sense because we really aren't physically person to person together. I'd rather play along with the honey moon idea anyway. If I get screwed over, then its another loss I'll have to live with. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of the way I feel I have to sometimes compete and worry over myself in order to safeguard and protect. There are times I feel I can never win, and it certainly seems so.
I've been avoiding love songs for a long time, because its not something I want to let myself think about or be attached to. I wish I could have some perfect love songs picked out to play for you.
Maybe I'll just say I love you and I'm enjoying the imagination of the honey moon
I do have another love song, but its a secret that I like to keep to myself.
I'm picking up on some positive hints and it makes me smile.
Despite communism, having to be right in relationships and love, and my reality of desperation, I love you.
I do feel insecure from time to time. I don't completely get everything in my insecurity. I'm not looking to be an entertainer, so missing out on opportunities of entertainment won't destroy me, but it has an odds of making me a more vulnerable adult and hatred from numbers of people that demand I compete.
I don't care. The big picture still doesn't make sense.
Some of your positive hints don't make sense because we really aren't physically person to person together. I'd rather play along with the honey moon idea anyway. If I get screwed over, then its another loss I'll have to live with. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of the way I feel I have to sometimes compete and worry over myself in order to safeguard and protect. There are times I feel I can never win, and it certainly seems so.
I've been avoiding love songs for a long time, because its not something I want to let myself think about or be attached to. I wish I could have some perfect love songs picked out to play for you.
Maybe I'll just say I love you and I'm enjoying the imagination of the honey moon
I do have another love song, but its a secret that I like to keep to myself.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Dear Dane
Another letter. I've read some world politics today. A lot of perspectives to hear from. From you, I don't completely know what to believe.
I wish I could remember the name of this war movie to describe how I sometimes feel. I can't find it. To sum it up, it is about a couple who love each other. He talks dirty to her one day, and her younger sibling or cousin finds out about it and tattles on him. He is sent away and forced into the military for his crime. The woman wasn't offended, but he was demonized anyway. Thus the story goes..........
It is a reason I will never share my drama with any of my friends again. They will either try to take charge and mother me the wrong way. Or, they'll play dirty and steal him.
Putting my guard down, I really do feel embarassed by rejection. I feel embarassed when I am fooled. I am embarassed about Utah and polygamy jokes. I feel embarassed to be labeled as a hoodrat or hooker. Even though it is an insult to be a slut, the label gives more relief compared to so many other things.
I know I am a social worker and have drawn attention to issues about human rights and even sexual trafficking and human trafficking among other crimes. I probably am labeled a sexual offender by now with the way I sometimes have to fight and bully some of my own sexually offending bullies.
Nonetheless, I sometimes relate to the woman in a war movie that I can't remember the name. It is long distance. It is an undenied feeling of screaming to be held and missing you.
It is so difficult for me to be vulnerable. Undescribably difficult. I really do not want to be discriminatory over anyone, but sometimes, I do have problems when I'm identified as a man. I can go with it. I can recognize I can be tough and a waffle head. I don't think that just because a woman is a waffle head that it makes her manly. Anyway. I havn't forgotten that I've had my own personal hatred toward you. I think it is a pretty complicated and confusing relationship and not something I always have the energy for.
It continues to get tougher to have faith in anyone or believe in anything especially after I have dealt with some rejections and let downs and have even been beat up by some nazi's. I see I'm drawing your attention anyway. I'm still confused by you and where you honestly stand. Right now, I'm just at a time where I am more weaker and vulnerable than I have been and its not easy to be confident or tough all of the time. It's not easy to give a lot of attention. There are so many times I've felt alone and crying on the inside. I don't expect you to be a nurturer or get a boob job and shove them in my face or shove some random woman's boobs in my face. I simply have a hard time in dealing with life sometimes and when you get all dickish it feels as if my throat constricts and if it wasn't for the fact that I've already suffered enough and have grown more thick skinned, I would be sobbing like a baby.
I have tried to be more and more self centered and save and establish myself the best I can but it seems I have too many enemies who want me to always have a hard time at jobs and die.
I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want you to feel obligated. At the same time, I have such a hard time trying to be with you sometimes.
I wish I could remember the name of this war movie to describe how I sometimes feel. I can't find it. To sum it up, it is about a couple who love each other. He talks dirty to her one day, and her younger sibling or cousin finds out about it and tattles on him. He is sent away and forced into the military for his crime. The woman wasn't offended, but he was demonized anyway. Thus the story goes..........
It is a reason I will never share my drama with any of my friends again. They will either try to take charge and mother me the wrong way. Or, they'll play dirty and steal him.
Putting my guard down, I really do feel embarassed by rejection. I feel embarassed when I am fooled. I am embarassed about Utah and polygamy jokes. I feel embarassed to be labeled as a hoodrat or hooker. Even though it is an insult to be a slut, the label gives more relief compared to so many other things.
I know I am a social worker and have drawn attention to issues about human rights and even sexual trafficking and human trafficking among other crimes. I probably am labeled a sexual offender by now with the way I sometimes have to fight and bully some of my own sexually offending bullies.
Nonetheless, I sometimes relate to the woman in a war movie that I can't remember the name. It is long distance. It is an undenied feeling of screaming to be held and missing you.
It is so difficult for me to be vulnerable. Undescribably difficult. I really do not want to be discriminatory over anyone, but sometimes, I do have problems when I'm identified as a man. I can go with it. I can recognize I can be tough and a waffle head. I don't think that just because a woman is a waffle head that it makes her manly. Anyway. I havn't forgotten that I've had my own personal hatred toward you. I think it is a pretty complicated and confusing relationship and not something I always have the energy for.
It continues to get tougher to have faith in anyone or believe in anything especially after I have dealt with some rejections and let downs and have even been beat up by some nazi's. I see I'm drawing your attention anyway. I'm still confused by you and where you honestly stand. Right now, I'm just at a time where I am more weaker and vulnerable than I have been and its not easy to be confident or tough all of the time. It's not easy to give a lot of attention. There are so many times I've felt alone and crying on the inside. I don't expect you to be a nurturer or get a boob job and shove them in my face or shove some random woman's boobs in my face. I simply have a hard time in dealing with life sometimes and when you get all dickish it feels as if my throat constricts and if it wasn't for the fact that I've already suffered enough and have grown more thick skinned, I would be sobbing like a baby.
I have tried to be more and more self centered and save and establish myself the best I can but it seems I have too many enemies who want me to always have a hard time at jobs and die.
I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want you to feel obligated. At the same time, I have such a hard time trying to be with you sometimes.
Dear Dane
The world around me now is obviously being presented as a big deal.
At the same time, mascots are being thrown out there. How could some people dare to expect knowing their own fallacies?
The price some people have to pay for being an elitist or having high standards or a high bar to live up to. I feel my life is continuously transitionging in that aspect and me being a snowflake in a snowflake world, it gets complicated and difficult to find grounds of reason and/or fairness.
I already know that there is no such thing as the perfect person. Some would argue that if I were serious about religion, I really should be a nun. I'm not ready to make that decision either.
I can't see all your issues. I think you may have some sort of mutual love for me that I don't understand yet and if my math is right or wrong, I love you anyway.
nuclear leaks....... shpleaks. ........
I'm going to try to express myself anyway with hopes that I'm not a walking nuclear disaster even after being referred to as a mascot.
Part of my law of snowflake, is that I think outside of the box. Even with you being a comedian, I understand you still have parts of you that are serious. I know that about myself while numbers of people still have a box mentality.
Sexuality. I know you're outgoing. Even sexually outgoing. I've already been stamped myself in the movie 9 with being sexually outgoing. I'm sorry I have to bring it up. I've never really aimed to be sexually exploitive or a pornstar. I'm not of the Roman culture. Of all the things in my life I want control over, sexuality is one of them. I have explained how I see some people as being sadists and tormenting. I'm more offended by a sadist who puts me through something they know I don't want than being offended over negative sexual remarks or namecalls. I would be called pancakes anyday than feel being sadistically preyed upon. I live a very tormented life. I see this is not news that you are happy to hear.
If you really are being serious with me, I really want to satisfy you.
I hate feeling misunderstood though that I want to be in control of making specific choices and am exclusive with some people. I'll admit it. I don't think I should have to feel ashamed that I'm not going to be a walking free sexual buffet to anyone. I have a lot of repressed thoughts of feeling misunderstood for that reason.
I am exclusive to you to try to make you feel satisfied. Outside of me pushing my limits to please you, I would not do other things for people. I really do have a religious background and despite some experiences I've had, there are times when I still want you (or whatever person I'm with in my papillon) to hold my hand or take your time with me. There are times when I don't feel so horny or erotic or turned on because I really feel awkward or disgusted by some sexual offenses. This is why I want you to hold my hand or take your time. It is the princess coming out of me. I want you to have some understanding of why I can be difficult.
I'll probably have a letter later..............
At the same time, mascots are being thrown out there. How could some people dare to expect knowing their own fallacies?
The price some people have to pay for being an elitist or having high standards or a high bar to live up to. I feel my life is continuously transitionging in that aspect and me being a snowflake in a snowflake world, it gets complicated and difficult to find grounds of reason and/or fairness.
I already know that there is no such thing as the perfect person. Some would argue that if I were serious about religion, I really should be a nun. I'm not ready to make that decision either.
I can't see all your issues. I think you may have some sort of mutual love for me that I don't understand yet and if my math is right or wrong, I love you anyway.
nuclear leaks....... shpleaks. ........
I'm going to try to express myself anyway with hopes that I'm not a walking nuclear disaster even after being referred to as a mascot.
Part of my law of snowflake, is that I think outside of the box. Even with you being a comedian, I understand you still have parts of you that are serious. I know that about myself while numbers of people still have a box mentality.
Sexuality. I know you're outgoing. Even sexually outgoing. I've already been stamped myself in the movie 9 with being sexually outgoing. I'm sorry I have to bring it up. I've never really aimed to be sexually exploitive or a pornstar. I'm not of the Roman culture. Of all the things in my life I want control over, sexuality is one of them. I have explained how I see some people as being sadists and tormenting. I'm more offended by a sadist who puts me through something they know I don't want than being offended over negative sexual remarks or namecalls. I would be called pancakes anyday than feel being sadistically preyed upon. I live a very tormented life. I see this is not news that you are happy to hear.
If you really are being serious with me, I really want to satisfy you.
I hate feeling misunderstood though that I want to be in control of making specific choices and am exclusive with some people. I'll admit it. I don't think I should have to feel ashamed that I'm not going to be a walking free sexual buffet to anyone. I have a lot of repressed thoughts of feeling misunderstood for that reason.
I am exclusive to you to try to make you feel satisfied. Outside of me pushing my limits to please you, I would not do other things for people. I really do have a religious background and despite some experiences I've had, there are times when I still want you (or whatever person I'm with in my papillon) to hold my hand or take your time with me. There are times when I don't feel so horny or erotic or turned on because I really feel awkward or disgusted by some sexual offenses. This is why I want you to hold my hand or take your time. It is the princess coming out of me. I want you to have some understanding of why I can be difficult.
I'll probably have a letter later..............
Monday, March 14, 2011
Dear Dane
Can't completely see everything yet. .........
A reminder that not everything is sexual but I mean it in a platonic sense. .......
But, I am going back to the issue of sexuality. I consider my life experiences moreso as me being tormented, tested, and avenged by a number of women.
In my college years, I threw a big fit when there were a few women hitting on me. A big fit.
I get sexually offended by both men and women, but when it comes to others labeling me, I think its more of the male ego than me being a lesbian.
There are some women I think are attractive. I really don't want to be with a woman. I just don't.
I'm sick of the torment. I'm sick of the testing. I get very very very offended at the way some women sexually offend me. There are a lot of feelings that are negative that I either forget or am forced to suppress. It is so disgusting, humiliating, private, and personal I hate feeling like I have to let it bleed out.
When you get sexual I won't deny that you turn me on. I was never out to judge you for it. There are times when I've felt off and on with you that I have ignored you. But you've had plenty of other places of satisfying yourself. I let you go, but understand I have to keep you in sight.
I really am sorry that there are things about me that may not match your standards or what you want. I've come to terms with my reality. I will go to my own limits at perfectionism, but it's not something I'll beat myself up over.
In another rumor, I think the Groves sisters are around. Its always confusing in the matrix. Trina is married to Zito and there was a movie I saw awhile ago: Match Point a movie with a tennis couple that made me paranoid. He reminded me more of Mike Jones but he also reminds me of Zito. Trina isn't on my good side. I've never wanted anyone to die at the same time. In so many instances, I've thought it better to endure drama than to do something extreme with the cards that have been handed. Extreme has already happened, but I've yet to kill anyone.
I thought I would add that gossip for more communication clarity.
I think I've also caught on to why they call you Wisconsin. I've commented that the show Chuck is cheesy. I'm sorry I havn't been keeping up with it. Maybe people paint the picture anyway of how they puzzle the matrix together and I don't completely get it still. I saw today's show. Some idea, but its cheesy and it does make me smile some.
A reminder that not everything is sexual but I mean it in a platonic sense. .......
But, I am going back to the issue of sexuality. I consider my life experiences moreso as me being tormented, tested, and avenged by a number of women.
In my college years, I threw a big fit when there were a few women hitting on me. A big fit.
I get sexually offended by both men and women, but when it comes to others labeling me, I think its more of the male ego than me being a lesbian.
There are some women I think are attractive. I really don't want to be with a woman. I just don't.
I'm sick of the torment. I'm sick of the testing. I get very very very offended at the way some women sexually offend me. There are a lot of feelings that are negative that I either forget or am forced to suppress. It is so disgusting, humiliating, private, and personal I hate feeling like I have to let it bleed out.
When you get sexual I won't deny that you turn me on. I was never out to judge you for it. There are times when I've felt off and on with you that I have ignored you. But you've had plenty of other places of satisfying yourself. I let you go, but understand I have to keep you in sight.
I really am sorry that there are things about me that may not match your standards or what you want. I've come to terms with my reality. I will go to my own limits at perfectionism, but it's not something I'll beat myself up over.
In another rumor, I think the Groves sisters are around. Its always confusing in the matrix. Trina is married to Zito and there was a movie I saw awhile ago: Match Point a movie with a tennis couple that made me paranoid. He reminded me more of Mike Jones but he also reminds me of Zito. Trina isn't on my good side. I've never wanted anyone to die at the same time. In so many instances, I've thought it better to endure drama than to do something extreme with the cards that have been handed. Extreme has already happened, but I've yet to kill anyone.
I thought I would add that gossip for more communication clarity.
I think I've also caught on to why they call you Wisconsin. I've commented that the show Chuck is cheesy. I'm sorry I havn't been keeping up with it. Maybe people paint the picture anyway of how they puzzle the matrix together and I don't completely get it still. I saw today's show. Some idea, but its cheesy and it does make me smile some.
Not Indonesia yet, but I will do a Free Willy just for you Dane
Taking guesses............................
Years ago with so many movies being thrown at me at one time, it was already established that I saw myself as Rose and my sister as Cameron Diaz in the movie, "In her Shoes." It seemed more directed at Dane T, which I still have yet to have a face to face conversation with him despite the matrix chaos.
But, even though the world turns and that Marxist's make changes throughout time, my thoughts have pretty much remained the same. Well, more of a dried up and worn out desert version. I love my sister. We are simply 2 different people period. I will never be the one to follow her or look up to her. I notice she does have an issue and even though she continuously denies that I won't worship her, she continues to compete. She does not have my respect as someone to follow after. I hate that some people are relentless and fail to see the differences that we have. I consider them lazy and too closed minded to understand that it is ok that we are different having varying strengths and weaknesses. It seems as if I keep on blindly being fed to wolves who are relentless competitors with cheering for one or the other in an inferiority battle rather than just say we are simply different. When it comes to competition with my sister, people have remained lazy about the issue, and it is a reason I feel hopeless about ever being loved. People are not sensitively smart enough to differentiate us from each other. I will never compete with her the way people want me to compete.
Speaking of ways, I also see another aggression about having more than one name. While I still have issues with the matrix and the system, I understand the complications it has. Someone even had their own perspective of that recent movie with Hugh Grant and Sarah from Sex and the City.
I can be a busy body, but when it comes to drama with people, I get laid back. I've had my issues. I've felt misunderstood. I have also given up on hope with some. And I have also been in a period of waiting, because there are times when I feel like I'm the one who feels like the literal slave in the friendship.
I'm not necessarily directing this song at you, but regardless, it is a song I sing to myself and have even annoyed others with:
It really goes back to the issue of control and power.
Further than that, it gets into competition of how to get a man's or woman's attention or their own way in general. Power of strength.
It's no wonder that I'm a loner.
I have issues with sincerity versus people using each other as competition to get something they want.
Differences in how people view relationships.
So, its not that I really am in fear or have a low self esteem in the matter (unless I'm around some sort of group or gang putting a gun to my head demanding that I be at their mercy or answer to them).
(I have warned some people of future embarassment for the fact that they don't back off and do expect me to be their slave or at their mercy).
Anyway, I'm laid back, and really in a waiting period. I'm trying to get a job in the local area, but there are not many options here. With the reality of drama that has happened, I choose to keep my distance from people. I've felt desperate. I have said that there are personal issues. Even if the matrix was designed elsewhere to have the same problems, it will not change who I am and it still defeats the argument of snowflakes that it really does sometime depend on a particular person.
It really is others that set me up to fail, or who suffocate and starve and wait for me to fail. I feel hated and persecuted.
If it is your drama or problem, I will respond to you the best I can. It's my hunch that it comes from you.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Dear Dane
I'll try to address all the drama.
Right now, I'm staying true to my word that you have me all to yourself. I'm still a flirt and nice to other guys and dancing, but nothing too severe.
I'm not ignoring possible complaints. I've already called you and others commies and having to deal with my own personal troubles is something you may eventually get. Maybe you may never understand. It probably goes back to a guess that you don't like my personality and how I deal with others in life. A guess that you dislike the stereotype of China. Anyway, I'm doing my best to deal.
Online, it seems a lot more peopley today. There are so many issues that it is hard to not be a snob, but I will be as cooperative as I can tolerate right now.
I have some kind of extra sense that some people from my church in Oklahoma may be around now. Guts church. Complications and grudges. I'll remind you of my territorial self and I really have a hard time when other people are in charge or condescending. I guess it explains some of my Burmuda and matrix wonder, but I don't completely get everything. Anyway, Megan and Shawn. I used to love him. I really have moved on from the church but it seems they are still involved in my life. It is a reason that it is awkward being friends with Megan. That, and the fact that she can be condescending. If I were to have anything I would like them to change is to acknowledge that some people think differently. My mind is not always in competitive mode. My agenda is not always the same. I'm not always on the same page. I still have issues with people taking charge or some kind of dominion over me with telling me how to run my life. You are the only person I have given permission to tell me what to do because of my life's circumstances right now. There really are some things I like about Megan and agree with. I still don't know how she is your Sampson. I don't know how serious of a Christian you are, and maybe your offense against her is with the compromise of a choice Megan Fox made that really isn't the ideal Christian stereotype? I don't know.
I still have a tough time with you judging me to call me Charlie Sheen. That really is extreme judgement to say about me. It pisses me off. It's not like you're innocent of being faithful. Why is it fair for you? I already said I'd let go of my hate with the double standard and I have and I remind you that right now, I'm still staying true to my word that I'm not with anyone.
I get confused with Leto.
In my personal life, things are ok. I've been applying for a few jobs, but sometimes it takes longer than others to officially land some kind of job.
I tried to communicate and bridge somethings yesterday with my little sis. The serious issues where I feel both of our lives are in danger. I deny that I'm on drugs. I've never made that choice a day in my life. I drink alcohol, but thats it. My sister has made that choice and still treat her as being fragile, but I don't think she'll ever see herself that way. I am scared for her and her past/present drug addictions. I know she probably is around dangerous people. I have been sent a few signals that her life is in danger. Right now, I think its more of a self righteous battle with my Kim Jong Il grandmother and her going to church together. It seems as if someone is just waiting for the either of us to get killed over any self righteous agenda for the sake of who knows what. I hate that I feel we have to compete with each other so cruelly. It is not how I want it at all. Of course it isn't fair for my life to be in danger and suffer because of her drug addiction. I think she is most threatened when she or someone else associated with her gets away with being a pig and winning while I am the one to pay the price for their piggishness. Their self rightouse bullet is for the dog issue every single time even though it was something that happened years ago at a young age. If people wanted to go further with judgement I think I already mentioned it in the blog about the Oscars. Blame me for drinking or blame me for not killing a drug lord yet. Not sure if you are on drugs. I stay silent and keep my caution. I love you. I don't want you to kill me and I don't want to kill you.
Other guesses. I have never been with a woman. I don't consider myself a lesbian. I find other women to be attractive. I could not see myself in a serious relationship or married to another woman. I hate how I have been judged in the past with the friends that I have for being a lesbian with them. They really were my friends who I loved and cherished as friends at one time. That accusation and feeling truly yet blindly betrayed by them all is another reason I no longer have friends.
I have told Sid to come out of the closet. It was a phrase that was not necessarily aimed at him being gay. I'm not being judgemental if he is or isn't. I'm just saying, I don't personally know him. I picked up on that he personally knows me and is involved in my life and has an effect on it somehow. That is why I say he hides in the closet. Too much I don't know about him. I'm the one who is expected to be at his mercy. Yes, I've had feelings for him before, but right now my heart is not with him.
Speaking of that. I really don't completly get the matrix yet. I know I was expected to be at your mercy a few years ago but there were a lot of hurts you were guilty of at the same time of hurting me around the time I watched the Daily Show. I did have feelings for Jon but he is another person I've moved on from. I'm sorry for the damage it caused us even though things didn't make much sense then. I told Tracy that I wish her and her family a good future. I swallow my pride to say I'm her asshole for loving Jon at the time because I didn't respect their marriage and Jon eventually became my asshole. I really do feel ashamed of the idea or possible reality of being a homewrecker. I can't see the real drama that goes on in his family. I'm very sorry to you too.
I really can't see the entire world around me or what my future holds. I hope you're doing well. In simpler, I hope you're having a good day. I know you just celebrated your B-Day and must be exhausted for staying up 48 hours. I'm not expecting much from you now, but I hope you are doing well.
Love
Sarah
Right now, I'm staying true to my word that you have me all to yourself. I'm still a flirt and nice to other guys and dancing, but nothing too severe.
I'm not ignoring possible complaints. I've already called you and others commies and having to deal with my own personal troubles is something you may eventually get. Maybe you may never understand. It probably goes back to a guess that you don't like my personality and how I deal with others in life. A guess that you dislike the stereotype of China. Anyway, I'm doing my best to deal.
Online, it seems a lot more peopley today. There are so many issues that it is hard to not be a snob, but I will be as cooperative as I can tolerate right now.
I have some kind of extra sense that some people from my church in Oklahoma may be around now. Guts church. Complications and grudges. I'll remind you of my territorial self and I really have a hard time when other people are in charge or condescending. I guess it explains some of my Burmuda and matrix wonder, but I don't completely get everything. Anyway, Megan and Shawn. I used to love him. I really have moved on from the church but it seems they are still involved in my life. It is a reason that it is awkward being friends with Megan. That, and the fact that she can be condescending. If I were to have anything I would like them to change is to acknowledge that some people think differently. My mind is not always in competitive mode. My agenda is not always the same. I'm not always on the same page. I still have issues with people taking charge or some kind of dominion over me with telling me how to run my life. You are the only person I have given permission to tell me what to do because of my life's circumstances right now. There really are some things I like about Megan and agree with. I still don't know how she is your Sampson. I don't know how serious of a Christian you are, and maybe your offense against her is with the compromise of a choice Megan Fox made that really isn't the ideal Christian stereotype? I don't know.
I still have a tough time with you judging me to call me Charlie Sheen. That really is extreme judgement to say about me. It pisses me off. It's not like you're innocent of being faithful. Why is it fair for you? I already said I'd let go of my hate with the double standard and I have and I remind you that right now, I'm still staying true to my word that I'm not with anyone.
I get confused with Leto.
In my personal life, things are ok. I've been applying for a few jobs, but sometimes it takes longer than others to officially land some kind of job.
I tried to communicate and bridge somethings yesterday with my little sis. The serious issues where I feel both of our lives are in danger. I deny that I'm on drugs. I've never made that choice a day in my life. I drink alcohol, but thats it. My sister has made that choice and still treat her as being fragile, but I don't think she'll ever see herself that way. I am scared for her and her past/present drug addictions. I know she probably is around dangerous people. I have been sent a few signals that her life is in danger. Right now, I think its more of a self righteous battle with my Kim Jong Il grandmother and her going to church together. It seems as if someone is just waiting for the either of us to get killed over any self righteous agenda for the sake of who knows what. I hate that I feel we have to compete with each other so cruelly. It is not how I want it at all. Of course it isn't fair for my life to be in danger and suffer because of her drug addiction. I think she is most threatened when she or someone else associated with her gets away with being a pig and winning while I am the one to pay the price for their piggishness. Their self rightouse bullet is for the dog issue every single time even though it was something that happened years ago at a young age. If people wanted to go further with judgement I think I already mentioned it in the blog about the Oscars. Blame me for drinking or blame me for not killing a drug lord yet. Not sure if you are on drugs. I stay silent and keep my caution. I love you. I don't want you to kill me and I don't want to kill you.
Other guesses. I have never been with a woman. I don't consider myself a lesbian. I find other women to be attractive. I could not see myself in a serious relationship or married to another woman. I hate how I have been judged in the past with the friends that I have for being a lesbian with them. They really were my friends who I loved and cherished as friends at one time. That accusation and feeling truly yet blindly betrayed by them all is another reason I no longer have friends.
I have told Sid to come out of the closet. It was a phrase that was not necessarily aimed at him being gay. I'm not being judgemental if he is or isn't. I'm just saying, I don't personally know him. I picked up on that he personally knows me and is involved in my life and has an effect on it somehow. That is why I say he hides in the closet. Too much I don't know about him. I'm the one who is expected to be at his mercy. Yes, I've had feelings for him before, but right now my heart is not with him.
Speaking of that. I really don't completly get the matrix yet. I know I was expected to be at your mercy a few years ago but there were a lot of hurts you were guilty of at the same time of hurting me around the time I watched the Daily Show. I did have feelings for Jon but he is another person I've moved on from. I'm sorry for the damage it caused us even though things didn't make much sense then. I told Tracy that I wish her and her family a good future. I swallow my pride to say I'm her asshole for loving Jon at the time because I didn't respect their marriage and Jon eventually became my asshole. I really do feel ashamed of the idea or possible reality of being a homewrecker. I can't see the real drama that goes on in his family. I'm very sorry to you too.
I really can't see the entire world around me or what my future holds. I hope you're doing well. In simpler, I hope you're having a good day. I know you just celebrated your B-Day and must be exhausted for staying up 48 hours. I'm not expecting much from you now, but I hope you are doing well.
Love
Sarah
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Dear Dane
Amidst my heartbreaks and mystery, I'm enjoying the mystery.
If I could guess right now at what you want me to do is to not be a lady. You either want me to rape you or be very disrespecting of myself and beg for your love. Taking commands from you is easier said than done.
I have been angry. I have thrown fits. I can see myself throwing more fits. But I'm not ready to be your Indonesian woman yet. I'd rather find ways to challenge myself or you. I'd rather avoid it.
I'm not necessarily trying to insult you or say you are seriously unworthy of any sacrifice.
Even with you being the bigger snowflake, I have a hard time being an Indonesian woman even if the statistics and you are demanding it from me.
Can we take time?
I don't understand how some things can be done at a distance.
There is still a lot I don't know.
If there is any credit of my love you can definitely claim for yourself, you have my tears, anger, and that I'm being a tease. I'm not ready to be the Indonesian woman yet.
If I could guess right now at what you want me to do is to not be a lady. You either want me to rape you or be very disrespecting of myself and beg for your love. Taking commands from you is easier said than done.
I have been angry. I have thrown fits. I can see myself throwing more fits. But I'm not ready to be your Indonesian woman yet. I'd rather find ways to challenge myself or you. I'd rather avoid it.
I'm not necessarily trying to insult you or say you are seriously unworthy of any sacrifice.
Even with you being the bigger snowflake, I have a hard time being an Indonesian woman even if the statistics and you are demanding it from me.
Can we take time?
I don't understand how some things can be done at a distance.
There is still a lot I don't know.
If there is any credit of my love you can definitely claim for yourself, you have my tears, anger, and that I'm being a tease. I'm not ready to be the Indonesian woman yet.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Obsessing Out Loud
I still think he wants to kill me.
I'm afraid of other thoughts ...............
Despite all of the hatred and insanity it felt good to cry.
With such a popular personality, he probably may not think of personal disclosure or exposure on any grounds.
Maybe he likes privacy and secrets.
My assumption to guess of how far communal living and secrets go, I don't know.
I still don't want to die. Even if he wants to kill me. I don't want him to kill me.
Sometimes, even though I scream I'm a narcissist, I wonder if he thinks I have a narcissistic love for him. SNOWFLAKES. SNOWFLAKES. Knowing, whether he thinks I'm his copycat or not that there are things I can relate to. But, if he were to measure circumference or diameter of each of our snowflakes, I'm sure I'd be smaller.
I've been insane. ...............
of course a still lusty attraction. I feel I've learned about him in the past year or few, but there seems to be a lot I don't know. He definitely is a man that has somehow been involved with me through the years.
Breaking outside my focus, I'm getting so scared and concerned that beyond love, I may have to be making a major decision soon.
Either challenged to have a higher and tougher toleration. More communal thinking. More adaptation. More cutting loose whatever cutting loose means to some people. Challenged to be more loving and people pleasing with peopley people.
The other challenge is being an assasin. When killing is right and why I should be a killer. Pressure again over issues of self worth. God Bless us Everyone. Loving the new Linkin Park cd. ........................
I really wish I could just be me. I wish I could remember the name of a story I heard awhile ago that talked about trading. Of course it is more objectifying than personal, but it has some relation about what it means to compromise ........
I already told him to tell me what to do. .....................
Somethings I'm ready for.
Somethings I'm clueless and doubt I'd be ready. Personally, I like being a hater sometimes. The idea of being an assasin makes me want to pass out.
I'm afraid of other thoughts ...............
Despite all of the hatred and insanity it felt good to cry.
With such a popular personality, he probably may not think of personal disclosure or exposure on any grounds.
Maybe he likes privacy and secrets.
My assumption to guess of how far communal living and secrets go, I don't know.
I still don't want to die. Even if he wants to kill me. I don't want him to kill me.
Sometimes, even though I scream I'm a narcissist, I wonder if he thinks I have a narcissistic love for him. SNOWFLAKES. SNOWFLAKES. Knowing, whether he thinks I'm his copycat or not that there are things I can relate to. But, if he were to measure circumference or diameter of each of our snowflakes, I'm sure I'd be smaller.
I've been insane. ...............
of course a still lusty attraction. I feel I've learned about him in the past year or few, but there seems to be a lot I don't know. He definitely is a man that has somehow been involved with me through the years.
Breaking outside my focus, I'm getting so scared and concerned that beyond love, I may have to be making a major decision soon.
Either challenged to have a higher and tougher toleration. More communal thinking. More adaptation. More cutting loose whatever cutting loose means to some people. Challenged to be more loving and people pleasing with peopley people.
The other challenge is being an assasin. When killing is right and why I should be a killer. Pressure again over issues of self worth. God Bless us Everyone. Loving the new Linkin Park cd. ........................
I really wish I could just be me. I wish I could remember the name of a story I heard awhile ago that talked about trading. Of course it is more objectifying than personal, but it has some relation about what it means to compromise ........
I already told him to tell me what to do. .....................
Somethings I'm ready for.
Somethings I'm clueless and doubt I'd be ready. Personally, I like being a hater sometimes. The idea of being an assasin makes me want to pass out.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
And here I come again
Loud and clear, but not exactly clear.
I'm taking notes on you Cook.
My biggest defense is:
I'm sure you've seen it. Youtube won't let me paste the original for some reason.
Besides getting lost in the sound and not knowing what gets directed at who and the fact that I've been to the hospital a couple of times and on some hard meds for being driven insane by both harassment, psychological abuse, and bad communication. I still do have an argument and a point.
If my life really did boil down to one last drop of staying alive and surviving, I still have a very hard time coming to a conclusion. I know what I've lived through, the real choices I have made, and some recognition I have recieved. Why does it even matter any more if I'm so miserable and going bankrupt? I have thought about some of my more obvious influences that really are for the greater good. I don't have strong Italian roots, therefore the whole Roman idea is not something I'm supportive of. If I could choose to be anything through strict labels and pigeon holing, I'd rather be a conservative.
Even though I have already been criticized for some flaws on my body and that I don't have big boobs, I still take it as an insult for someone to give a hint: "You know what you're good at? Just get naked." I'm complicated with taking looks and beauty as a compliment. I value intelligence and being seen as a respected and of some intellect person. I think there is a difference between being a slut and a stripper. And, I have always been a free slut.
Being a stripper feels wrong to me. It just does. I feel I have been around and exposed to a lot of Roman culture. It may be simple and not even thought of for one person. For me to make a decision like that really is a big deal. It is a huge deal. Even though I'm a slut, I still value my sexuality. I could admit that sometimes, when entertainment isn't even about sexuality, it isn't a big deal for me to be an entertainer. I still havn't figured out the massive Burmuda, but I feel so used and it gets depressing in complications of so many paths: being drained by some unknown giving me to wide scale entertainment while I try to hold down the simplest of jobs. competition among entertainment. competition of getting the credit issues. Another reminder of privacy and 4th ammendment. Feeling violated.
It has been a battle the entire time fighting over my personal self, not being another's possession, having my privacy and rights.
It is totally different and a big deal to make the choice of being a stripper or sexual entertainer.
I have been connected to Megan before. I still argue that I have never made the choice to be in any sexual showbiz of lists of various careers in nudity. I have never been paid for any entertainment whether it be sexual or not. I have an issue with both Maggie and Megan over the issue.
I'm not of the Roman culture at all. I like the idea of personal exclusiveness and privacy even though I've already felt violated of that.
It's not even some of the guys that I've been with that I'd accuse of violation. In my younger and more innocent years, I have blamed for feeling tricked into sleeping with someone. But in my time now, when I make a choice to sleep with someone, I simply make the choice. But sleeping with someone and making the choice to give myself to some sort of media is 2 completely different things.
If there were no pigeon holing or desperation of giving a label, I'd be a libertarian before any political choice. But right now, because of extremeness, I feel more pushed to say I'm a conservative. I'd wear the label of being judgemental. When it comes to serious issues of survival, I have a seriously hard time making a decision. I hate how it sounds. I only demanded exclusive provision, but without any real relationship and even if it is with just one person, it would still destroy everything I've fought for. It would be against everything I've been.
I'm not sure how Megan is your Sampson and I get lost in the sound again when I start reading your perception.
I've also started looking at some Sheen news but havn't seen everything. I have seen the Chuck Lorre and know there is other personal drama going on with you. I'm still anorexic to Sheen's name, but I see other guesses of men that you would connect him to. It may be drama that I will eventually catch up with.
Dane, I have a really hard time making a choice. Maybe I should just think more, talk to other people not knowing who to talk to. I've been at the end of rope after rope from one job to the other. You are one complicated predator that makes it really difficult. I still would call myself a sucker for you before I would call you a rapist or blame you for all random sexual harassments that I am blind to.
As for the further complications I feel so desperate.
I'm taking notes on you Cook.
My biggest defense is:
I'm sure you've seen it. Youtube won't let me paste the original for some reason.
Besides getting lost in the sound and not knowing what gets directed at who and the fact that I've been to the hospital a couple of times and on some hard meds for being driven insane by both harassment, psychological abuse, and bad communication. I still do have an argument and a point.
If my life really did boil down to one last drop of staying alive and surviving, I still have a very hard time coming to a conclusion. I know what I've lived through, the real choices I have made, and some recognition I have recieved. Why does it even matter any more if I'm so miserable and going bankrupt? I have thought about some of my more obvious influences that really are for the greater good. I don't have strong Italian roots, therefore the whole Roman idea is not something I'm supportive of. If I could choose to be anything through strict labels and pigeon holing, I'd rather be a conservative.
Even though I have already been criticized for some flaws on my body and that I don't have big boobs, I still take it as an insult for someone to give a hint: "You know what you're good at? Just get naked." I'm complicated with taking looks and beauty as a compliment. I value intelligence and being seen as a respected and of some intellect person. I think there is a difference between being a slut and a stripper. And, I have always been a free slut.
Being a stripper feels wrong to me. It just does. I feel I have been around and exposed to a lot of Roman culture. It may be simple and not even thought of for one person. For me to make a decision like that really is a big deal. It is a huge deal. Even though I'm a slut, I still value my sexuality. I could admit that sometimes, when entertainment isn't even about sexuality, it isn't a big deal for me to be an entertainer. I still havn't figured out the massive Burmuda, but I feel so used and it gets depressing in complications of so many paths: being drained by some unknown giving me to wide scale entertainment while I try to hold down the simplest of jobs. competition among entertainment. competition of getting the credit issues. Another reminder of privacy and 4th ammendment. Feeling violated.
It has been a battle the entire time fighting over my personal self, not being another's possession, having my privacy and rights.
It is totally different and a big deal to make the choice of being a stripper or sexual entertainer.
I have been connected to Megan before. I still argue that I have never made the choice to be in any sexual showbiz of lists of various careers in nudity. I have never been paid for any entertainment whether it be sexual or not. I have an issue with both Maggie and Megan over the issue.
I'm not of the Roman culture at all. I like the idea of personal exclusiveness and privacy even though I've already felt violated of that.
It's not even some of the guys that I've been with that I'd accuse of violation. In my younger and more innocent years, I have blamed for feeling tricked into sleeping with someone. But in my time now, when I make a choice to sleep with someone, I simply make the choice. But sleeping with someone and making the choice to give myself to some sort of media is 2 completely different things.
If there were no pigeon holing or desperation of giving a label, I'd be a libertarian before any political choice. But right now, because of extremeness, I feel more pushed to say I'm a conservative. I'd wear the label of being judgemental. When it comes to serious issues of survival, I have a seriously hard time making a decision. I hate how it sounds. I only demanded exclusive provision, but without any real relationship and even if it is with just one person, it would still destroy everything I've fought for. It would be against everything I've been.
I'm not sure how Megan is your Sampson and I get lost in the sound again when I start reading your perception.
I've also started looking at some Sheen news but havn't seen everything. I have seen the Chuck Lorre and know there is other personal drama going on with you. I'm still anorexic to Sheen's name, but I see other guesses of men that you would connect him to. It may be drama that I will eventually catch up with.
Dane, I have a really hard time making a choice. Maybe I should just think more, talk to other people not knowing who to talk to. I've been at the end of rope after rope from one job to the other. You are one complicated predator that makes it really difficult. I still would call myself a sucker for you before I would call you a rapist or blame you for all random sexual harassments that I am blind to.
As for the further complications I feel so desperate.
Here I come
Still don't completely get everything from your Mr. Wisconsin.
If I picked up on one hint, it goes back to the sexuality agenda.
This is where the 4th ammendment and some cries of unfairness have come from. It's not that I wouldn't mind being seen by you or even being sexually active with you. It is how it is set up.
It really isn't my fault if you or other people can see me in my own privacy or room. It isn't my fault that I'm being robbed of the 4th ammendment by you or anybody. Therefore, it isn't fair that people would use sexuality against me if I never had my 4th ammendment rights to begin with. Seriously. What do some people expect me to do in my own room or privacy? This is a part of tyranny that really needs to have a resolution.
It isn't fair for me to be job deprived, in poverty, going bankrupt all because I don't have my 4th ammendment.
I think it is another reason to be set up to fail. If I were to sue first off, I don't know who I'd sue. Second off, whether I sue or ask to be literally paid, I'm being extremeley set up to have some sort of living or career for being a sex object. It isn't fair for people to keep getting away with it, while I'm the one who has to suffer and where it is impossible for me to get a job because of it.
I really need serious help with this issue, because it really isn't fair.
It makes it awkward and has already been awkward because I have demanded provision and I hate even having to demand provision.
Help me settle this. I don't want to starve and die.
If I picked up on one hint, it goes back to the sexuality agenda.
This is where the 4th ammendment and some cries of unfairness have come from. It's not that I wouldn't mind being seen by you or even being sexually active with you. It is how it is set up.
It really isn't my fault if you or other people can see me in my own privacy or room. It isn't my fault that I'm being robbed of the 4th ammendment by you or anybody. Therefore, it isn't fair that people would use sexuality against me if I never had my 4th ammendment rights to begin with. Seriously. What do some people expect me to do in my own room or privacy? This is a part of tyranny that really needs to have a resolution.
It isn't fair for me to be job deprived, in poverty, going bankrupt all because I don't have my 4th ammendment.
I think it is another reason to be set up to fail. If I were to sue first off, I don't know who I'd sue. Second off, whether I sue or ask to be literally paid, I'm being extremeley set up to have some sort of living or career for being a sex object. It isn't fair for people to keep getting away with it, while I'm the one who has to suffer and where it is impossible for me to get a job because of it.
I really need serious help with this issue, because it really isn't fair.
It makes it awkward and has already been awkward because I have demanded provision and I hate even having to demand provision.
Help me settle this. I don't want to starve and die.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Dear Dane
Yes, I'm jealous and don't want to think about you having sex with someone else. You sure make it extremely difficult to try to work with. It doesn't make any sense to me that you would try to work with serious issues while still playing with serious emotions. Can't you at least keep some things to yourself?
So many reasons to my list of how impossible life is. .........
Speaking of impossible, I did read this article:
http://www.aolnews.com/2011/03/08/wisconsin-gov-scott-walker-proposes-union-compromise-in-e-mails/?icid=maing%7Cmaing5%7Cdl1%7Csec3_lnk2%7C49241
I get the gist that I am being heard and that there is some level of compromise or cooperation which I don't know the specifics or if its just another B.S. way of avoidance and messing around which will still have no resolution.
In talking about impossible, I did see the name Bob. I'm sure if you've been reading my blogs, you'll already know there is drama with his son. The family is part of my Burmuda and one target of where my personal blame is. Of course Bob is going to be impossible because there are personal issues involved. I think his mind is made up that no matter what, there is nothing at all I'm good at. He has his mind made up that I am permanently inadequate. He is impossible period. He could be another French Tyranist, but I still like you better. I really don't know Bob well, and he is another that I feel belittled and hated to death with hawkishness of being anal retentive with every mistake. His mind is set that I can do nothing right and I am nothing but a mistake and inadequate. He is a bully.
I still have my papillon and will not let him rob me of my confidence and know I really am adequate. There is simply more drama and personal issues where it really is impossible to work within, among, or around him.
I don't know if you even communistically have a job set up and waiting for me, wondering what my next commie and rigged environment will be.
Maybe it's simply more B.S. where you're the one who is waiting to see what I'm going to do.
Salary? I think I'd have better luck with the salary issue in a city compared to a small town. I think finding a job significantly above minimum wage is another thing that is close to impossible and simply not a common find in this town.
I've already said that I am going through a bankruptcy and have started saving some, but I still don't have enough to get out of town yet.
So, that's all I can think of or bring right now.
So many reasons to my list of how impossible life is. .........
Speaking of impossible, I did read this article:
http://www.aolnews.com/2011/03/08/wisconsin-gov-scott-walker-proposes-union-compromise-in-e-mails/?icid=maing%7Cmaing5%7Cdl1%7Csec3_lnk2%7C49241
I get the gist that I am being heard and that there is some level of compromise or cooperation which I don't know the specifics or if its just another B.S. way of avoidance and messing around which will still have no resolution.
In talking about impossible, I did see the name Bob. I'm sure if you've been reading my blogs, you'll already know there is drama with his son. The family is part of my Burmuda and one target of where my personal blame is. Of course Bob is going to be impossible because there are personal issues involved. I think his mind is made up that no matter what, there is nothing at all I'm good at. He has his mind made up that I am permanently inadequate. He is impossible period. He could be another French Tyranist, but I still like you better. I really don't know Bob well, and he is another that I feel belittled and hated to death with hawkishness of being anal retentive with every mistake. His mind is set that I can do nothing right and I am nothing but a mistake and inadequate. He is a bully.
I still have my papillon and will not let him rob me of my confidence and know I really am adequate. There is simply more drama and personal issues where it really is impossible to work within, among, or around him.
I don't know if you even communistically have a job set up and waiting for me, wondering what my next commie and rigged environment will be.
Maybe it's simply more B.S. where you're the one who is waiting to see what I'm going to do.
Salary? I think I'd have better luck with the salary issue in a city compared to a small town. I think finding a job significantly above minimum wage is another thing that is close to impossible and simply not a common find in this town.
I've already said that I am going through a bankruptcy and have started saving some, but I still don't have enough to get out of town yet.
So, that's all I can think of or bring right now.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Scary Imagination land
I really with I knew how to make this blog exclusive or private.
Sometimes, I really hate being lonely and being on my own. Despite science I don't yet know and mind games or control I don't understand, I can't help but be curious and wonder.
The idea of having some kind of gang or some sort of group or secret intelligence agency who may be responsible for some deaths in some crazy imagination mind game really scares the shit out of me sometimes. I don't take my paranoia too seriously, but I can't help but wonder during specific times in the matrix if some people have some kind of symbolic connection or meaning that I would hate to feel responsible for. Its not my fault; I don't want to have that responsibility for something psycho someone else could have done.
Alice in Chains, one of the songs he is known for "Man in the Box." I still don't know how far of a definition a death means or all translations in code or whatever. Maybe it means nothing at all, but I have noticed variations of strong or weak paranoia among deaths.
I've bitched about my feelings of relation to the song before. I know socialism and capitalism must be progressively evolved, experimented, and tested with, but the idea of the matrix scares me sometimes. I don't want to feel like my soul or being will always be naked and that people will always know what is going on in my life. I won't have to worry about labels anymore. Its one of those crazy matrix moments where I want to scream "That's not what I meant!"
I'm so scared by what I don't know.
I like privacy, I like secrets, but I hate that even though my being may be naked I will still be somehow rigged, pigeon holed, or it being the cause of some route in the matrix. I don't want to think about the system now. I don't want to think about the system. Distract my mind distract my mind distract my mind.
I hate other possible things or rumors that could be going on.
Sometimes, I really hate being lonely and being on my own. Despite science I don't yet know and mind games or control I don't understand, I can't help but be curious and wonder.
The idea of having some kind of gang or some sort of group or secret intelligence agency who may be responsible for some deaths in some crazy imagination mind game really scares the shit out of me sometimes. I don't take my paranoia too seriously, but I can't help but wonder during specific times in the matrix if some people have some kind of symbolic connection or meaning that I would hate to feel responsible for. Its not my fault; I don't want to have that responsibility for something psycho someone else could have done.
Alice in Chains, one of the songs he is known for "Man in the Box." I still don't know how far of a definition a death means or all translations in code or whatever. Maybe it means nothing at all, but I have noticed variations of strong or weak paranoia among deaths.
I've bitched about my feelings of relation to the song before. I know socialism and capitalism must be progressively evolved, experimented, and tested with, but the idea of the matrix scares me sometimes. I don't want to feel like my soul or being will always be naked and that people will always know what is going on in my life. I won't have to worry about labels anymore. Its one of those crazy matrix moments where I want to scream "That's not what I meant!"
I'm so scared by what I don't know.
I like privacy, I like secrets, but I hate that even though my being may be naked I will still be somehow rigged, pigeon holed, or it being the cause of some route in the matrix. I don't want to think about the system now. I don't want to think about the system. Distract my mind distract my mind distract my mind.
I hate other possible things or rumors that could be going on.
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