Turkey Day and other thoughts...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This year I will be doing a few things different. I plan on shopping on Black Friday, but I'm not going to be all-out gung-ho. I'll probably hit the stores around 11:00 or 12:00 regardless of sales times; there are still plenty of sales that are still ongoing. Tomorrow is such a tough choice between Twilight and James Bond. I'll most likely see both but won't be able to in one day. Because I've been watching Twilight each Thanksgiving for the past couple of years; I plan on finishing the series off. James Bond will be for another day, and Daniel Craig can remember he is just an actor.
I'm Thankful for the understanding that NY has along the lines of looking at someone the right way. NY is known to be the most rude, but wanting to be looked at the right way isn't necessarily rude if it is being said the right way. I'm not thankful for the rudeness of NY or other faults, but I am for the ~being looked at the right way~ understanding.
I am thankful for Mitzi and when it is my turn to say, I will be having that to say this year and years to come if I don't have anything else besides her.
Other things going on both good and bad......
which room? Panic room...... some particular men linger. With the few, I'm only thinking of a particular one. It is still impossible in all directions and I have nothing to say......
I have some philosophical thoughts too but they really go nowhere. Just thinking out loud. I may write another day or just not.....

Random thoughts

Wishing I had someone to talk to............................
Because of how things have gone, I have a very pessimistic mindset about the job hunt. This week, there is only a job or 2 in the paper that I could apply to. I do plan on saving enough money to eventually get out of town, but until then, it is doing whatever.
I have a big week this coming up week. My talk about the baby's father won't be a lot. He does want to be in her life and have some partial custody. Thoughts I keep to myself. I feel very alone right now. I will be alright. The loneliness and isolation isn't new, but the situation with the isolation is a much different story.
It made me think about Paris Hilton. I know I am no celebrity and our personalities don't have much comparison. I just remember one of the last shows she had was a contest for a best friend. The intention could have been for entertainment, but being the person she is, the best friend winner should get some experience in entertainment and the celebrity world in order to be the winner she is.
With just me personally, it feels there are so many impossibilities in finding a friend anymore. Sometimes, it takes similar backgrounds or similar family status in which being a single mother clashes with partnered mothers. Whatever rumors go around with me and threesomes is something I have remained anorexic to. Besides being bothered by those rumors are also assumptions and sometimes predictable ways that people have their own structured judgement. Sometimes it seems that some people turn their gadar up 10x where people are so hypersensitive and hawkish in their assumptions. The insults and awkwardness ruin it from there. I guess some people get over things, but I do have serious issues with the assumptions and judgements other people make. Besides the point of that is the constant clashing sex life. A good sex life seems impossible as well. It is no doubt at this point that I have a number of sexual predators on my back. Not going into the blame game over it either in this blog. I hate so many sexual correlations and sexual obsessions some people have. It has been so long since life has felt normal. The term: "platonic," should not be such an odd term as it seems with most people.
I just can't stand being around some people too long knowing what their gossip is. Sometimes just gossip happens and it is left at that, and other times gossip creates a whole new meaning where: something has happened and it isn't anything anyone can take back or change. Some talk seems more absolute or indefinite where what's done is done.
In another route: what's done is done is a phrase that runs through my mind in so many instances where it isn't funny. It is actually terrifying in most cases. It is heart shattering in others. Sometimes it isn't as big of a deal. Other times, some things happen so quickly, I can only just quietly stare for a period of time. Sometimes I'll speak my mind, other times, I just choose quietness. What's done is done is not something I like going through my mind and it is very bad news anytime the phrase does run through my mind.........

Dear Jon

Busy busy busy.... but some time to write......
Coming from you: a mix of seriousness with vices and then games and loosening me a little......
Additional jab from you that is similar but meant in a different way with me: I simply can't handle the type of man you are. You may not be the ultimate alpha but you are an alpha in your own ways. A typical male alpha that I sometimes and somehow get caught up in, but could never imagine a serious relationship with the type of guy you are. I just can't handle you. I would only want it to go to your head so much, but there are things about you that I hate you get proud over. Your life, I know, but even with you being the alpha you are, with some things about you, I'm too good for. It goes beyond the princess vs. queen concept. I hate the ways people manipulate with that. You know some of the obvious truth of my emotions. I can't control what you think or how you use it for or against me. Too much stress. I don't have enough solutions for myself YET.
I did want to join in on the conversation from the other day with entrepreneurship. Mixing business with pleasure. You did remind me of the "I want to work for you," letter. I can't help but laugh to myself about it. I don't remember what I wrote and don't want to. First impressions. ha. I think that may get the best of me but I am seriously not a hooker and hate the thought of it seriously being taken that way.....anyway.....
There may be a hidden agenda with what you personally think about entreprenuership, but I'll talk politically anyway. From just the general political talk, it does come off a little insulting that you would expect the worse and sympathetically give a pity party before it begins. If a little bit of financial support was there, it also robs the smallest of self-entrepreneurs or breadwinners the title of their breadwinning. Maybe not the entire title. But, the obvious later manipulation and ~you owe me~ "If it wasn't for me, you're business wouldn't be." I think there probably are some people who are so desperate for survival that some levels of credibility are not thought of or given a damn with. You can make your own guesses when you specifically look at me. I've already said it would be something that I would be serious about 10 years or so from now. Presently, I see myself as a very down to earth person. I know crafting is not enough of an income. As much as I'd like to stay my own boss, I still am open to working for an employer of some sort. It doesn't change the way I think of past employment and their B.S. authoritarianism, but the political talk goes in a different route where it goes towards workplace reform. Short and sweet: When it comes to business, I've always thought it better to have more capitalist control than governmental control. Both could be responsible for tyranny and communism. While I still can't figure out which is more responsible for my horrible work history, One or both have already failed me. I don't think some people understand how their sense of judgement, being judgemental as a whole, and being desperate as a whole makes them look. So much down to earth rational reform needs to be needed. Ethics, integrity, maturity and practicality, and emotional integrity.
Damn damn damn stupid violently vain damnation. And before and after it happens still too poor to have my voice taken seriously. and on your end the bad first impression and obvious issue of business vs. pleasure. Don't know if I would even call it that anymore but still. As the Jon turns and As the Sarah turns drama makes the conversation cancel itself out.

Dear Mr. Mike Jones

I guess you feel ok if I contact you through Lance. It is a little awkward. I don't know why you don't reach me on your own Twitter. Maybe you fear being known through my social networking......asshole........
I watched one movie that I had a hunch on today with Bradly Cooper, "All about Steve." He looks more like someone else who went to ORU. Andrew Sanderson. Maybe Jason Jones is being a senator for you. If he is, I'm not sure what is completely going on in his arbitrage.
It was a funny movie either way. I had some laughs. I didn't know that liking that OAR song made me look like such a crazy and persistent "stalker." I wasn't even being accountable. I did swoon over the song though. hmph. Anyway....... I do assume that you could be bi or gay. I heard the song again and I think its title is "You and I are the Same." It is a male duo. If you want me to contact you or hear from you, I really don't know how your communication quite works yet.............
If you are still straight, I wouldn't mind you being a Brawny man or someone I could throw myself on. Life isn't exactly the best. Because of the way some people are and corrupt, organized crime, my work history is awful. I couldn't help but be angry and have a spat with a few people. I don't remember the exact words of one spat, but I had said something about either being a stripper or prostitute with the statue of liberty and if I were ever forced to be a prostitute I would be the sluttiest one and make a dollar menu millionaire out of myself. I know I was speaking in my rage, but the USA Today, today said the day after one of my last craft festivals of the season the 28th, that the statue of liberty would be open again. Talk about a threat. When I am treated the way that I am, what can people expect? Someone out there is being a bigger dog in even a more violent and hateful way, and I can't help but gawk at this one. I already responded with a "wow." I hate the way violence begets violence and nothing can ever be resolved with some people. I already gave myself the credit that I was going to wait until November to be more aggressive with the job search. I can only do so much with it. I also added on that I havn't given myself a deadline to force myself to try out stripping.
If you are another druggie, I really don't need another one of those in my life right now. It seems that straight or men who don't do drugs are nonexistent anymore. Parts of me feel like I die more and more because of it.............. its like I should give up but don't know how.........

Lots of thoughts

I'll start with religion like I said I would. Although I think Russia probably has some religious agenda, this is about what was written in the NY Times on Modern Love with agnosticism. First off, I remain anorexic about any marriage. Second off, this is me talking to a crowd, not meant for any single person's egocentrism. This is just about me personally, I'm not telling anyone what to believe or how to live. Besides my present agnosticism; I do have a history of Christianity. There are things I love about the Christian faith and things I hate about the Christian faith. Along with hating some systems in general, I could agree that I'm not fond of organized religion as well. The feelings I have about Christianity, I could talk about anyday, and aren't revolved around any individual. Besides any other OCD stalking fit a person would throw; my Christian faith is personal between God and I. I do believe there is a God. Agnosticism isn't the same as atheism. I guess some Christians could call me extreme with living and dying by the sword, but I'd rather it be most personal with God and I, than live by faith as an appeasement to people. To elaborate a little more; I'd rather be called agnostic than a hypocrit. Without faith it is impossible to please God, and a furthered scripture is living by God's word is an example of faith. I still consider myself a person of faith. However, back to the main line: If I were to seriously be summed up, and I live and die by my own sword, I'd rather be called an agnostic than a hypocrit. And just because I'm agnostic does not also mean I am antagonistic and opposite of everything the bible says. I would think it ridiculous and still unagreeable to sit down and have specific scripture read to say what stays and what goes. I'm not too extreme; I'd still call myself a person of faith, but guess who the ultimate judge of character is when I look in the mirror to decide how I live by faith and the extent of faith to which I live? ME! The thought of judgement outside of religion and spirituality that is more based around common law is judgement that is separate from religious judgement. I can see how that factor could leave many confused. And to think a little further, in one specific area; I am against slave labor of any sort. I have many serious issues in defining supremacy and authority. I really do not wish to live to bicker, but sometimes, some things happen in life anyway. To sum up a lot of disputes; I do not believe in imperialism. I do not believe in slave labor. I do not believe in subjecting a being for the sake of another. I have noticed how OCD some people can get over the issue and have a lot of chaos, irrelevance, and crap when the things I do not believe in are applied to work. It bothers me that some people do not have the maturity to understand WHAT IS IN A JOB/CAREER anything a person would want to call it..........
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When I see Mike Jones around, my first immediate thoughts are happy thoughts. But then a lot of things hit me besides naivity and I don't know if I should think happy thoughts when I see him. Life is a blur, but he just is in a good light to me and things are left in a blur or unanswered.
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Not completely sure what to think of Lance right now.
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With Jon it seems to be the same old story said in so many ways. I can make it I can make it I will make it
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I guess Charlie is on vacation this week; I still may eventually have something to say.

There seems to be a lot to read today. I wish I had the time to read more but can only have so much info come and go at once. I have plenty of other things to do and I just can't read or write everything there is to read or write about right now.

Just random for now

There are actually a lot of thoughts on my mind in my socialite aspect. Why bring it up and not share? It is just another thing I want to keep to myself for now.
There are several obvious reasons why my life could be dangerous right now. It definitely feels dark and dangerous. It isn't that I've never had this feeling before; there are just times where I feel darkness more than others. Call me spiritual or instinctive; it is one of the two. I hope it goes away soon though. It is just another thing about life where I do whatever I do and say whatever I say and sometimes it is not possible to not breathe or be myself. I feel darkness and threats though. From several places that I can and can't see.
Sometimes I wonder how many wickans or how many secret wickans there are. I don't know if I spelled that right. Sometimes, I think I'm supposed to assume that Jon is not just Jewish, but also has other religious mixtures including being a wickan or some arab religion. He has this evilness about him that goes beyond just chauvenism. Of course he isn't the only person in my life who feels that hateful or dark, but he definitely has an incomprehensible level of hatred. Life feels so deadly overall right now.......
Nothing to say about love life for now. I have another socialite thought in general terms of love life, but it isn't something I care to say now.
I hope I have good luck with crafting sales this year. Time time time. I feel like I have and havn't made enough stuff. Time is running out.
Still thinking about the future but have no other choice but to be very focused with what is going on in the present. With how life has been, I feel unsafe in browsing and planning for the future. Something I will eventually get around to, but on the backburner.
OMG I did a great cooking experiment this weekend in my own home. Some things aren't too hard to put together, but every once in awhile, my cooking attempts can flop. I made a black forest cake and I must say I have to give myself a compliment for how good this cake is. It is an organic mixture, but I threw in some other things too. *Pat on the back*
I signed up for my last race of the season. The only bad thing is the date which is in October. That may be a season for my asthma to kick in. I really wanted to give the next one more effort, but even though I have more time to give myself some training runs, I still have the setback of dealing with asthma. I can handle spring and summer, well, without asthma.

Dear Jon: not leaving you to guess

When I said you broke my heart in the most collosal way, I seriously meant what I said.
I am not getting the today show. I am not getting how "you took a bullet for me." However some math is being added up, I am just not getting it or buying it. You really have had your own ways of wooing me back to you at one time or another. I feel there is nothing you can do to ever compensate for the number of things you have done. I seriously can't handle your hate, the ways you have cheated and the people you have picked to cheat with. I can't handle your violence, sexual violence and harassment, or any of your harassment at all. Because of your loud desperation to victimize me, I still have people to this day that violently harass and/or sexually harass me to no end. It it such a long chronic annoyance. I do deserve to sue someone or have someone do the time for their crime. There really are some people that think I feel inferior to them and inferioraly subjected to their harassment and accusations. STILL TO THIS VERY DAY. Besides the additional unnecessary hell you brought into my life is still your main truth that I don't think you will ever realize how much you broke my heart. It isn't just the dog victimization and sexual harassment, it is who and how you cheated. I will always know my truth for what it is regardless of the lack of control I have in my life. I just think you need to really get that you should give up on me with whatever it is you are trying to prove. You havn't proved a thing. I will never be convinced that you would love me. If you were to seriously follow through with how much you hate me, you wouldn't have anything to prove in that direction either. I do not know your point or purpose in wanting to hold onto me or keep me around. I know you probably know my digital cable service no longer has Comedy central. But today's cat call and other questionable matrix catcalls are more examples where I am not fully convinced that you are giving up on me. If you are not going to give up or let go, what is it? what gives?

Random Thoughts

Not a whole lot going on. I'm excited for these next two weekends. I have a craft demonstration this weekend and a marathon next weekend. I'm going to have to walk later in the day if I am going to be going on a walk because it is practically 100 degrees today. Financial thoughts continue to knaw at me and it isn't always easy at taking it easy right now. I am a happy crafter but will hopefully and eventually find better days.
Man drama
This week has been surprising and not surprising. Depending on the who and what.... I don't have much of a comment this week to make with Jon. Just simply no comment. I notice some cattiness but don't have a lot to say over it right now. ........I think there may be one or two other random guys in the media right now but I have no comment either and just keeping some thoughts to myself.......
Some confusion with Anger Management has been cleared up. It looks like the Anger Management is on me. Ha ha. Not much comment in that instance either but I could talk more about the show. First off, I'm anorexic to names and blended looks. I'm anorexic with how Charlie or the producers and writers are having fun. Charlie continues to be more surprising. Before I was paranoid with 2 and a Half Men, I really liked the show. It made me laugh and the opening song I sang along all the time or just on my own sometimes. Catchy tune. men men men men manly men men men...... ha. I do see Charlie as a friendly character despite literal problems. I take his flirting a little more serious than I have had. Not as in a serious relationship, but thinking ~Is Charlie Sheen really making a pass at me?~ It is both flattering and embarassing with how the show is written. I do notice the cattiness at possible connections that he shares with other guys and I notice the shares I have with other girls. I thought to myself ~oh god I'm in so much trouble~ But back to the flirting and why I think he is being serious: it is the most obvious issues that he is picking fights with: Judgement overall and with some more specific areas; Who is the Angry one; Who is the Therapist or Dr? They are provoking on the surface and could only lead to more provoking or flirting. He is definitely being an ice breaker or introducer of drama. If I'm in trouble, I just wonder how much trouble it is that I am in.........
Skipped Wilfred and Louie. Curious a little about Russell. I think it was the one commercial that confused me when everyone said their name was Charlie, except for Louie. They all have their own shows though aside from Anger Management. Russell's show is on at the same time though when I'm watching another show. So, I would just have to watch the episode at another time if I did. I usually don't stay up that late though when they repeat.  I may get around to watching it but it may just be another show I don't like.

Just So Many Thoughts

Where do I begin? ......... ------------------- Love life? still crappy. every now and then I have numerous thoughts in mind but will remain a mixture of being mysterious and outspoken.... -------------------------- There is always something to research and look up. One of the key factors is the matter of time but with how life is, I can be spontaneous, leisure, or just not care during any time. One thing I did get around to doing some research is the religion of sikhism. Before I have my babble about literal, I don't mind BSing around and even being a little annoying in a figurative sense. Figurative sense is the silly idea of "I believe in being one sick #@%^& person! Maybe some sick people would have contests as some Christians or other believers do with self righteousness to see who could be the most sick. It could almost be compared to some kind of sorority or fraternity. It could be a code word used in the communistic system of shares that is trying to say in a figurative literal way that a person really is a sick person. That was just a dumb idea to throw out there. -------------------------------------- Adding on with a general thought that I would use in this situation is that I am disagreeable with the idea: Well, if you have done something or have been some way at sometime in your life, you have no right in either: being guarded, judgemental, snobbish, or whatever along those lines against that person. ----------------------------- But getting back on track and talking about the literal.... I did do some research. It wasn't a full study where I had a full book. The book was specialized in religion unlike a typical encyclopedia, but it might as well been in an encyclopedia with how brief and short of a description it was. Of course it is another religion where I do not plan on converting but I did pick up on things that I did and didn't like about it. It seems in this religion, there is an emphasis on a lot of equality. Equality that is not just meant in terms of financial class that most usually would assume first, but also equality amongst men and women. Of course equal rights is never something to argue with, but when other characteristics are thrown in there, the idea of equality is given a whole new meaning. While the religion denies that it has a leader, pastor, preacher, or heirarchy of some sort, it still does have something called a guru. Guru's are still meant to be treated as equals but they could be compared to a prophet where they are speaking god's voice. When guru's are given some kind of praise or treated as a god, they are known to deny themself of the god complex. Of course I find this respectable. It seems in this religion though that more people have more of an awareness of what it means to have a god complex. I just wonder how the religion is operated without some sense of hierarchy? Especially with new converts. If there is no leader and they are all equal, how does anyone expect to learn anything or get anywhere without hardly knowing anything about the religion? Maybe I take it to the extreme with hierarchy, but it is something to wonder about with how it works. Of course I don't like karma, so that is another bad thing when it is thrown in with the word "equal." --------------------------------------------- In more thoughts, there is just a lot of news stories isn't there? I already know for myself how people lie, and sometimes, there are some things that are meant to be interpreted in a different way than it is presented. There is more than meets the eye and when interpreted and codified could mean something totally different.... I still do not consider myself a relieved person. There are a lot of things that still upset me and cause me distress. Some instances, I can find some relief. When listening to one conversation last night with Jon, I liked how he recognized some motives and reasoning behind war. Sometimes motives or causes are wrongly assumed and it is painted to be something that was never purposed at all. Of course with Jon, he isn't always specific and can always relate one thought to anything at anytime whether it even be fair or truthful. But I did like hearing recognition of some details of war. Some people actually do take the time to think more about things. --------------------------------------- One additional thing that has been on my mind besides being judged and a victim of another's possessiveness recently, is being bothered with obsessiveness. I already get I am a target of a source against discrimination. Whatever people say or judge, I really havn't cared about at all and I don't care what people think of me not caring over the matter. I am tired of the obsessiveness though and people going overboard at telling me how the agenda of my life should be and that I should be dictated around someone's communist, and at times, extremely stupid structure. -------------------------------------------- In other thoughts, it is back to my personal life. I am excited for my hobbies this month. Today is my first day to run a practice run. At the end of the month, I have my first demonstration that I will be doing with gourds. I took another leap by investing a little more in it to be ready for the day. So, hopefully I will get lucky and make a lot of sales. Crafters do supposedly sell more the days they do their demonstrations, so I hope the odds work for me and I sell a few more. I'm even going to do an invite on facebook. I could intentionally get bad karma from some because I havn't shown up to all invited events but maybe there will be random people or people who don't believe in karma or just don't care and will show up anyway.

Dear Jon

Short and just short. In my own instincts, I think last night's episode was another: shut the fuck up moment or else...... Although you may want me to be quiet right now, I've already ruined the moment. I really have nothing new to say concerning finances. You obviously ignore everything about it already and if I were wanting to conversate, you are wanting to talk at the wrong time. Personally, I have my own hunch at who last night's guest really represented and I do think he is purposefully playing stupid for his own continued dipshit purpose. Anyway, to clarify and make myself clear, I know I can have my own extremes with one specific example being sexual correlations. The math is simply: the topic or matter does not always have to be sexually related when NO MEANS NO Most often, it is sexually related and you can see how in my correlations I can call it rape, but sex is not the only instance where no means no. While you flirt with me with more fairy dust of ~getting it on~ you are having another contradicting moment where you want me to ask you once again: why do you hate me just that much? I've already ruined the silence if that was what you were wanting from me. As for bickering about the previous contradiction, the whole financial talk can or not at all be on another day. I don't understand why you would hate me that much to provoke another socialist rape like that. You're a person I've yet to understand. While I'm thinking about it, I'm reminding myself to do one example of homework and add Seinfeld to my Netflix. thats all.

Dear Jon

hmph. some things to brainstorm or wonder about with last night's show but a lot of it was unclear and still unclear burmuda matrix language. I'm going to take John Edwards in two ways: the literal father and you. First the literal father. The news is so old, of course I would not believe that I am any orignator of an Edwards conspiracy. Woop de doo, I am being called a slut. The word "crazy," I've never been wild about but in up to date times, I just don't care. I don't understand why he would have so much against me. He was the one to attack from the start. I really don't know what I did to get under his skin so much to have such a dislike for me. In a side thought the baby face video of Edwards was so funny. I laughed despite whatever real story is going on. With you, you act as if being called a slut is the mother of all F-bombs. It is the F-bomb. You have called and treated me worse than just a slut. Maybe a slut is the biggest and baddest name in your book. I have been paranoid before with Hunter, but I had more of a hunch that you were going for someone else. I wasn't completely sold on that one and moreso anorexic to her name and the story. I havn't forgot about the name Sarah Vowell and it is another thing I stay paranoid with and don't know what to think...... I think you are giving another possible trail for yourself: Seinfeld could be one of your cats. Maybe instead of watching Mad Men, you want me to watch Seinfeld. While I havn't watched all seasons from finish to start, I've seen some shows. I'm not crazy about the show, but if you wanted to switch the homework assignment, I could. You seem like you can never get enough attention. Being a real famous person, it could be expected of you. I was also going with the hunch of the myspace David from Colorado that I blogged with years ago. Well, I didn't blog with him, but read his blogs and have written some of my own. In some reflections of myspace blogging overall, I feel like such a dork, but during that time, I actually had fun with the whole blogging thing. Are you trying to say he is still interested and you are in another pimp mode? All the talk with him during your show last night wasn't clear. In the past, good and bad memories with blogging.....hmph. Right now, I've been getting the vibes that you aren't attracted to me one bit. The predator in you isn't completely clear right now. I'm conversational anyway with other things and when it comes to you being predatory or mean, I really don't have much else to say. I don't understand what you want or what I am supposed to do. I am and am not emotional.

Dear Jon

I'm a little perplexed at just how much nicer you were last night. It could be another B.S. arbitrage, but besides some hunches, I would think you really are wanting to make conversation. I may not know the motive of you being nice, but you came across as being nice last night....
I have picked up on some other random things. You brought up one name, Oscar, from "death at a funeral." I did have an assumption on who I thought Oscar was. I really don't know how he has been doing these days or what is going on with him. I assume you could be assuming... With the movie as a whole, maybe the movie was just one big joke, but I still don't understand where it came from or how much truth there is to some things......
Thoughts of religion and terror. I have felt terrorized for a long time for a lot of reasons. It really makes no sense to be vulnerable or disclosing to you because you have had your own occasions of being terrorizing. I don't know if it really is all religion, but I definitely believe there are several motives out there for whatever the reasons are of why people do what they do. I have actually wanted to talk a little about religion with you despite "warnings" of ~the taliban~. You were the one to bring up Christianity the other day when you showed a disturbing pic of a pregnant woman with a censor of the manger covering her up. I don't know where that lash came from, and although I call myself agnostic, I did find it offensive. Christianity is part of my upbringing and while being an agnostic, I do believe in the Christian God. I don't think I would be going to church for a long time or I don't know if even ever. But, there may be a day where I would want to be a better Christian on my own without going to church. I really havn't wanted to talk about religion for a long time and it is a spontaneous and rare thing whenever I do. Besides my own personal faith, like the rest of the people in the world, I obviously have a serious problem when it comes to judgement. How people judge, the intellect of the judgement, the fairness of the judgement, the motives, the politics and literally defining the type of governing power off of judgement.
Right now, I could spend some time whining and I probably will. I wouldn't mind having some cheese with that as well. I'm just sick of people's entitlements. I'm sick of people being overassumptive and constantly on my back or looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of the desperation. I'm tired of the obsessing. I'm tired of how controlled and pointlessly controlled my life is.
With some things people have already said in the past when using their irrelevant judgement against me, I can already make my own assumptions of what people could be saying now. In my world, a lot of my aim is getting a job. I still think it is extreme for me to force myself to be a stripper. I have said if I can't find a job that I might consider. I really think some people are just ridiculous and still irrelevant with "pick your poison." It is not that I necessarily aim to be self-righteous or a do-gooder. I think if there was anything that I would want accurately to come across right now is: I have skills of sorts and know it, and I'm alright and know it. I may not come in first place in a contest, but the gist is I know I'm an adequate person. Because I have pride, I don't like to nag too much about: so what is the hold up? I hate it when commies give themselves that food of power that they have the power to waste my time.
I think that is all for now. I wish I had other things to talk about. I probably do have lots of things to talk about but right now, I guess I'm just set on my most prioritized ones.
As for you and me. I definitely feel tested and you are making me nervous. I still consider myself in a really emotional state right now and you make me nervous when I notice your random movements of being sly and smooth. I don't know what you're up to if you're up to something. All I'm going to say is you're making me nervous.

Country Songs and other random thoughts

First off, I was never a huge fan of country. It is ok. I wasn't crazy over one of the awards shows this year either. Every so often, I have listened to it more in recent times and have been a little surprised with some videos and even had a few laughs. Some say country music is the most depressing, but I think there are other songs in general or even genres that are more depressing. I think the most though, that country music has the most songs that are more family oriented and relationship focused. It seems down to earth more but some other songs that aren't country can still be down to earth. I thought I'd throw my random opinion in there.
Speaking of country music, I did include some country songs in my baby song cd's. I can't see who I'm talking to right now. This is a time when the message isn't as obvious but I am picking up on the communication. It is only a simple page on msn with Taylor Swift and Lee Ann Rimes. Although this is another time where I don't know who I am talking to, I'll talk back anyway. I havn't always been crazy about some of their music, but with the name Mitzi and Swift's song "Romeo Save Me," has almost the same tune but not quite. I can relate to the song myself sometimes when I feel undermined and/or bossed around. It isn't that I take back any criticism, but I can honestly relate that I wish someone would save me. Regardless if it is male or female (knowing some people are looking over my shoulder to be obsessive and over analytical), some people really go beyond my boundaries with their "expressed dominance," period. Because I have made choices to remain my own person, these bossy people have effected my survival because they have thought they deserve the entitlement for me to be subjected to them. As I've already stated, I see myself in having very good judgement. When life situations involve work, there are many differences and boundaries between an actual personal life and work life and job description. I think I've said that at practically every place I've worked despite being a broken record, and still, people have not gotten it with their actual actions.
Besides elaborating on the trail of thought, is back to the initial msn page presentation. I feel I have some kind of support coming from somewhere with the message of one of swifts songs and the meaning of Mitzi "she has a mind of her own," where people or some person is being agreeable for once. I still have been doing a lot of shunning in the media lately and I'm not really caring a lot about anything right now. I guess it really depends on what does and doesn't get my attention. This instance of agreement got my attention though. I don't know if it is going to be life changing or if anything will be different in the future.
For math clarity (Lee Ann Rimes looks like Kate Hudson a little and she and other women in the matrix has had the audacity to say that she does deserve the entitlement to be bossy and domineering). I was actually a little confused because on the cd I have another song by Lee Ann "I hope you Dance." But it was Lee Ann Womack who is someone totally different. I think there are some Rimes' songs that I like too, but I was never good with names in country. This is also more about people in the matrix in their relation than to their actual and literal distant role of relation as a country singer.
...So many ways to be rigging..... Fortunately, in this instance there is nothing at stake because it is just social. But who knows, someone may try to play rig tricks anyway. Damn arbitrage.
I don't have a lot of other thoughts right now. I thought it was nice though that somewhere out there someone is being agreeable with the name Mitzi. And I know there will be the typical people in denial that I will still have to say: "seriously," to.

Just random thoughts today

These past few days, the weather has been perfect: not too hot, not too cold. Although I think it is early for the weather to be this warm, I am loving the weather. I don't think I'm going to be too much into the summer season this year because there is my post baby body and also I just have too much on my mind and too much take care of. Who knows, maybe there will be a day or few that I will be spontaneous and do whatever I feel like doing.
I have been watching a number of movies during the past couple of months. I really don't have a lot to say. I'm sure if I wound up in a conversation with someone, I could have something to say, but it is just watching movies right now. There are some things that I can't help but laugh at. Sometimes, I'm just simply at leisure when I want to write. I still have some shows to catch up on.
emotions emotions emotions......... There is still a lot of paranoia to ignore but for right now I'm not going to make a big deal or lose myself over the fact that I sometimes can't control my emotions. I have no words for my emotions......
I'm almost finished my own self-designed bag. I think my idea will turn out better this time but I'm not sure yet because I havn't finished it yet. I've been happy to be branching out more and trying new things with crafting.
Another random thought, I looked up Mitzie again and discovered that it is actually an English name. It sounds English. I just can't decide between Mitzie and Mitzia or even different spellings with Mitzy and Mitzya. I'm still stuck on that name.
I think I'm pretty much tested and obsessed over and people looking over my shoulder every single time I go to the market. So, it really isn't too much of a surprise when strange things happen or certain people are there. I ran into Joe today. He simply said "excuse me." I did make a loud gesture when I turned my back and agreeably said "excuse you." Then, I walked away. We obviously have a serious hate for each other and when running into each other in the market, it is a market setting. He does seem the type to be outgoing and say anything anywhere, but not in this instance. It is and isn't a big deal to have such a serious enemy around me like that. Some people do take notes and keep scores over pretty much anything anymore. whatever. I can't tell what the system could be computing right now with the very brief interaction, but in my world, he is still a hateful being that I still hate and claim as an enemy.
I didn't realize that today was St. Patty's Day. I don't mind missing out on it. Today is a day where I don't mind being a homebody. These past weeks I really havn't cared much that I'm more lazy and laid back than others. Still not happy with life and living here but when I think of going somewhere, I just think I'd rather sit around at home.

Dear Jon

Jon, I'm still not completely getting you. So I don't hurt your feelings, I'm leaving out "dumbass," this time, but I am guessing you have some sexual hunting game going on. This isn't about my pleasure, but your sadistic pleasure in gunning me down with your interrogations and trash talk. You do keep your predatoryness confusing though when I'm the contraception woman that you're supposedly getting off on. I just give up and don't care. I'm letting you win this one: slap me around and gun me down and have your way...... I wonder if you're even mocking my complaints of sexual correlations as well. Whether or not you want to be a Peter Pan with sex is up to you.
Right now, I don't consider myself seeing a lot of guys or having a lot of men in my life. Some guys it's just flirting and nothing more. I know in the past, I have had a thing for other guys. I know one of the main ones you are aware of is Dane. But, I have never subjected you to any of the guys I have had things for. Dane is another psycho with the whole subjective thing, but I never made the choice to subject you to Dane. Dane could have done some things on his own, but whatever he or any other potential guy could have done is not something that I am responsible for.
It isn't fair for you to be so one-sided like that anyway. It is obvious that you have real wealth and fame, but it still isn't fair with the way you aren't being fair. Besides so many other women you've cheated me with, you're technically married..... I don't know how to think about you anymore with the reality and things that have been said and done... When it comes to some thoughts, I really don't have a strong opinion at this time.
.....I'm going to watch the police show soon. I still feel bad that I missed out on it. When I was reminded that day; I've just been too exhausted to be awake and get things that are going on. I have a lot of entertainment on my to do list to watch and that even includes a newborn video. I don't have much else to say right now...

Dear Jon

Jon
I'm following you, but not sure how to perceive you. I really did make a Dakota claim years ago when the movie: "Man on Fire," came out. Jon, I'm not sure how you do your math in the head with a lot of things to sum me up, but I can make some assumptions from there........ Jon, Although we have never literally hooked up, I would assume you would be wanting angry or rough/violent sex for having your own way of saying you think I am immature. Jon, Maybe you are so serious about not just thinking that I am immature but that you have dictated my mind into thinking the same thing about myself, that you want to give me an "ego boost," by saying I am finally of age for you. How could I ever live without your pat on my back? Maybe something else is going through your head where you've been mad at how I've been handling your stockholm through all this time and you want to "knight me into womanhood," because of my said submissions to your demands. To you, it is normal and the officially mature thing for a woman to especially be sexually submissive to stockholms. Think what you want to think, I am just being for now to be. Jon, I don't think I've even denied how much you've already turned me on in the stockholms. I think you've known it for yourself but you just don't want to say it. Maybe you've taken some of my silences in different ways. You may have taken my anger in undermining ways as well. With some things you have said; I have sincerely meant it when I did everything to lock you outside of my life. Some of your anger and hateful attacks havn't been seductive at all. You know you have intentionally wanted to turn me off. You really have done a lot of unforgiveable things. Jon, If I could assume more, you may hate my snobbery and want me to be more talkative. Yes and no.
I also took note of "Breanna." I don't know if you connect me to her or not, or if you are expecting me to say something to her. She may have a large amount of responsibility to how I've been damned and you want me to make a large plan and time investment to get revenge. Besides not knowing all of the actual facts of responsibility and what the specifics are that some people have done, you have already belittled her as well by undermining her for her job title. Maybe you are already being the white knight to bruise her ego?
Jon, I still don't like the idea of your Prince expecting me to know everything about everyone and what the mess is in my life. I feel like you are expecting me to be a female 007 know-it-all and it feels like such a chore to make my living out of taking care of my enemies. I know I said I never lost confidence in my intelligence or judgement and still mean it, but I think it is an extreme route to go to make my world revolve around my enemies and live only for revenge and capitalist's sake. I still don't even understand the entirety of politics in capitalism.
I don't know. From this distance, all I can do is brain storm with some hints. Jon, If you want me to play young and naive, I will do as best as I can. I already said I don't have the hooker heart that can act through anything and that includes the polar opposite of a hooker heart: naivety. But Jon, I will act as best as I can. You may just have some appreciation of my sexuality and sincerely want me to be your sex slave Brittany again. Ok, it is no longer expired and back on the market with you. I just don't know how I'm always going to be able to pull it off when you test me the way you test me sometimes. I'll probably do yoga tmw. The Niner's restaurant wasn't opened when I went there, by the way. So, I did find out about the available hours and will just go back another day when they are opened. Uncle Jack's was pretty good though. Not sure if you are in relation to that one. I feel tired and think I'm going to take a nap now.

Random Thoughts

The baby shower went well yesterday. Very well. It was more grandiose than I had expected. I was never expecting a whole lot to begin with but I definitely feel ~showered~ with plenty. CHEESE! As for the awkwardness, it was and wasn't that bad. There was enough considerateness where nobody brought any of their drama or made any major provokings. It was friendly for the most part. Besides the family, most people were connected through my mom and it feels normal from them to be supportive of me. I won't complain about recieving so much stuff. The awkwardness was mostly on me in this instance, where I felt a little bad knowing I'm really not that close to a number of people. I had to yell a little at my mom for making that fact a little obvious. My snobbishness had had its day; but like any other person, I'm probably going to be a little nicer than usual. It isn't life changing to change out of being a snob, but I am at better terms for people who are being supportive.
There was another instance where when talking to Jon the other day, I really was talking about a different Liz. The other Liz, could have been responsible for the other matrix Liz that I had had to put up with, or there is no relation whatsoever. All I can say is that I had continued to take the teacher Liz as representing herself not even thinking of the other Liz. I think there was a different time where I was frustrated at the other Liz's aggression, but it wasn't like there was any severity of life that I was aware of. But, since I wasn't specific, it made it another awkward moment that I just worked around anyway.......

I'm still happy to get my taxes back. I can't wait to take a shopping trip. To have something good to say about my grandmother, in her card, she did have some emphasizing words. It was mostly around the lines of: If people knew me, they would know that I would make a good mom. I don't know if I am going to have any Kim Jong Il harassment in the future, but those thoughtful words were enough for me to bury the hatchet. I already feel like I'm off to a new start with some people and although it can't change anything that has happened in the past; things in the present and future could be different. I'm not like that with everyone. It is whatever person it is in my own time. Some can keep calling me a robot; I'm just going to go about every day as I always have.

I made another ebay sale! woohoo! Still not much of an income but a small yay for now.

In bad thoughts..............VH1..... I just had to watch it this morning. You never know with some people. Sometimes they will have some kind of immediate response; sometimes they will demand my attention in their own time. (I had watched the movie Selena yesterday). It didn't seem that Jim had anything serious to say. Maybe with the whole Chicago theme, he wants to throw himself in the victimization game as well and symbolize himself as "Cesar." Or maybe he is picking on someone else. I think with his typical piggishness: when he was taking himself out to all of the places and engorging himself with all of those fancy dinners, I think he probably was playing a Cesar role. Waaaaaaa Jim, you insult me in a number of ways and violently reject me and do a lot of other terrible and even death threatening things and now all of a sudden my words mean so much to you and you are a whiny baby Cesar who has too many knives in his back. Oh, how could I have ever gotten so upset or be mean to you? How dare I ever be mad? (There is a Jim out there somewhere in the matrix where I am really directing this too). I think he wanted to torment me with more music videos and especially the Madonna one. That is so offensive with the whole baby doll thing. WTF Madonna? What the Fuck is your problem? What the hell? That was so offensive.
I think SNL recalled the day where I was jamming to one of her songs the day before I was pregnant and she got offended because I was humping my boombox? I'm really not going to know how to listen to that song anymore. I'm just not going to know how to listen. I'm driven by my own emotions and influence, and it was a song that is a piece of the memory of the night the baby making happened. I could elaborate at this part, but I'm not going to explain my story in this instance. I don't want to trash a piece of the memory, but I also don't want to be supportive or a fan or not trash Madonna after her latest football song. I just don't know how I'm going to listen to that song anymore.
(I just watched last week's SNL, I will eventually watch this week's.)
I don't have any other thoughts for now. That's about it.

Anderson

I really don't know who to direct this to. I feel raped right now and I can't see who is telling me to "suck it." It could be Jon, but I'm not sure if it is Jon.
I'll start with Howie: he is being communicative on his end. My guesses were obviously wrong, but if I am supposed to have an "Adam," I'm obviously not understanding this connection. I don't know who I am supposed to pay attention to; I don't know how to be responsive to any threats. My life is in danger and I don't know what to do about it. It has become abstract again.
Next is Stacy. How dare I deny her beauty. God, I would love to see her flash her legs in front of my face again. What a privelage to not miss.
Anderson, with so many agendas, it is hard to figure out what people are expecting. Maybe Stacy wants to try to prove she can handle the truth, or maybe she is just being relentless with herself. Either way, I feel I can never win. I feel a lot of my life suffers because I am not only being forced to suck it but also forced to say what I think about sucking it. Some people can't handle it, and even you could hand me a sciprt any time now. If it is Denny who is telling me to suck it, I can't believe you would let Denny get away with his rape. I am definitely calling Denny a rapist for entitling himself for me to answer to his judgement and thinking I should take a "lesson," from him and neverendingly be lectured. Anderson, I've already said mercy and the worst rapes keep getting shoved in my face to suck it. And if forced, I will suck it for the sake of saving my life and my baby. It definitely is nauseating to be raped like this but I do it for the sake of myself and my baby. It is just another example where I know I'm going to take another hit for being honest and saying whose sake it is really for, but I just do not know how to breathe. Even after saying this, I still continue to get tested with rape in the worst of ways. Besides the rape being denied, it is further denied of who can't handle the truth.
My sister may possibly be throwing herself in the fight with Stacy right now that I am in a denial that I am their lusting lesbian that just has to have them.
Anderson, I have a hard enough time dealing with life already, I can't believe you would shove more arrogant rape in my face like this. Ok Katie, how could I deny your hotness either? God Katie, I just wish you would throw yourself in front of me more often. I could stare at you all day in playboy magazines or just yourself. How could I ever deny you?
Have I done a good enough job of sucking it Anderson with whoever's sick dick I am being forced to suck right now? Have I sucked it enough? What ever can I do to give an orgasm or pleasure or help someone get it up? Whatever can I do Anderson?

I just don't know how to not breathe.

Appreciation

Anderson, you definitely deserved to be dubbed Superman on an occassion. It would seem that Brawny man doesn't compare as much to Superman, but in the heart of the matter, the symbol is a worthy symbol.
Anyway, you can win today. You lift me up and let me down and play good cop and bad cop. There are things that you have won with me, but you don't have me completely. I know it almost sounds marriage like, but some people will either assume too much or not know how to assume at all when it comes to being sold on someone.
Anyway, I appreciate that I can appreciate my vanity with you today over "The bail bond girl." The key words are appreciating vanity. As nice as the title is, it can only go so far. There are probabilities that there will be more cattiness and violence in my life. Sometimes, there isn't always physical violence. None-the-less life can take a physical toll during times you are up against how many ever a number of people and how heavy and damning that they can be. Some people are so set in proving something or just out to settle their agenda. It isn't really Katie, or other Heigl connections that I am afraid of. I just can't take any more damnation. You can appreciate my vanity with me, but there are times when my down to earth life is out of my control and there isn't anything that I can do about anything. It is just how life is and how it has been. It was some nice minutes to share on your show though. Much appreciated.
Thank you Anderson!

.

I don't have as much to say as I have had before.
I will talk about one good thing that has happened recently: Spritely Finesse has continued to gradually expand. I have made it to an art store. Some of my crafting work is officially on display. Some of my stuff has already sold in the store. I made it to ebay just a few months ago and am probably going to try to keep making some sales on ebay. I do have some more ideas and am going to try more things.
With past experience and looking ahead, I think unless a load of money hits me, I am going to be more hesitant with any spring or summer craft shows. I think I may save it all for the winter. I may pay for one or two more additional festivals than last year and hopefully be able to make it out of town. I could use a small getaway. I'll probably have a couple more tries at the flea market. Who knows, maybe I will eventually find a part time job until then. Maybe I'll be a stripper by then. Only time will tell what could happen.

Right now, it seems a little silly to be talking about this right now with some things that are currently happening in my life. It is part of my efforts to keep my sanity and mind on something else. ~Sharing a little about myself~

Random Thoughts

Where to begin?
There is a lot to play with for my imagination. Well, I don't think the word "play" would be the best term to be defined in using my imagination, but I see several things that are going on........
There really is a lot going on at once: politics, drama, judgement, and issues. Right now, I just don't have a lot to say about it all. The political world is the thing that should be one of my first priorities of concern. I just havn't been paying a lot of attention to politics or upcoming candidates. I havn't been there to hear any debates or speeches. I just don't have the motivation. Politics can be a passion from time to time, but right now, I just don't have the drive to be committed to politics. In one thought, I want to give some clarity over baby names. Mitzi or Mitzia is not meant to take after Mitt Romney or where I would claim a presidential candidate as being my baby. I don't remember if it is Romney or Perry that believe in polygamy. I want to continue to stay out of politics and just not care for the time. But the baby name is only a coincidence, not anything to read into or be in wonder or have any paranoia. Well, when it relates to a political name in this instance.

Drama? I'm living in my own limits of drama. I prepare my heart for just about anything and know that there are still a lot of things that my heart won't break over. If I get tested, it is my own choice to: ignore, be anorexic, or get involved to whatever extent I would get involved. I've known for a while that some people may either lie or put words in my mouth from time to time. Life just may catch up one day. Some people are just weedwackers to weed out the bad ones that: don't care enough, don't try, or believe me enough.

Judgement? I'm sure the usual judgement and criticism is going on. I really don't care either. It isn't something I'm paying too close attention to or getting involved too much in.

Issues? Kind of same thing as judgement. Issues have a lot of depending factors of who and how I would share and talk about my issues; or who and how I would give a reaction to someone else's issues.

Other than my general state of being, I just don't have a lot to say right now. I'm not in the mood to overstress myself or overinvolve myself in too much of anything. Keeping it chill and cool. It depends anyway.