Onward Ho

Some fails aren't easy. This past week was a set back. I've been in financial distress for awhile, but I'm upset that this festival didn't work. I at least was given more hours from my one job, but had I not went to the festival, I would have had that much more money because I could have worked at my other regular job. I am behind and not ahead and it upsets me that the festival wasn't worth it. I really love the thrill of my personal sales and entrepreneurship, but this fail was too costly. I'm in the hole more than ahead. I plan on looking for another part time job or one full time job soon, but I feel I should stick with my normal routine and catch up as much as I can for now. Today is a depressing start because while being so busy with crafting, I have other chores and random work to catch up on. I seriously need to hit the gym, but that will be depressing because it was another thing I wasn't able to do in the past week or two and I have to be reminded of my present weight loss struggle. It's better put myself and keep myself back in the habit than not at all, but I hate feeling like a slacker. I know I'm not. I just put in a lot of work in one area that didn't pay off at one particular event. I have nothing personal against Ocean City, I'm just mad that things didn't work out. I wonder where I will go next year...... I have an idea of who the mystery "cop" is, but I feel led to believe there is more of an arbitrage there, and it isn't just one man who has been messing with me. It is like they could all be the same problem, where I know they're not the right type for me or an ideal match, but it is like there are a few who want to wrestle to say they are something else......... Bradly Cooper is in the mix a little and I can't stand his type. I'm already a yeller in some ways, but feel on the verge to be a yeller in more ways, and I'm not in the mood to fight or put up a fight. I need a break from Bradly and Jon's type big time. Worst mean, unfair, impossible, and sadistic totalitarians. ......

Yes I'm not Paris

And I remain too fearless against her. You and other men can't change the way I think against Paris, Stacy, Erin, and any other woman who dares subject me to herself, her respect, her judgement. My most serious punch in the mouth I have against Paris is: As if I were ever your conquest. It's really Stacy I would beat to death mostly for both not understanding her ignorance and vainness and intentionally being entitled to it. I dog them all as my rapists for life and the men who would agreeably subject me to them. Jon Stewart is the one I hate the most,(most recently David Duchovny), and John Atchison is a disgusting ball of rape. (I know not all my sentences are grammatically correct). They do not have me won; they will not have me won in this lifetime. They have committed a severe offense against me, and yes I do confidently keep their dominance stared to death: as if I were ever their conquest, as if they ever had me won, as if I were ever willing. John Atchison is the most juvenile, intentional and intentionally provoking, rapist liar when it comes to that factor. Adam Levine is sometimes guilty of a most serious life threatening provocation. I keep him walked away from the most. You can't change the way I think or feel. I do believe in reform against lies, rape, and laws of dominance. I know I was never the most prudently tight when it comes to fun and games. When I understand the ways I get lied against and the ways people can be an be at taking themselves seriously and making up their own rules and having their way with me, things change.... I'm sure most would agree that their are certain lines and certain times when it is no longer fun and games....

As the Sarah Turns: I feel like a new woman

I'll start with Emma. While she is the dominate and unfair one in some way, and being escorted by Prince Harry, I will choose to unsafely talk about her anyway. Sorry Emma, but if you intend to keep me in a ball gag, you can't. I just can't say "no," to Emma. I feel like she could make a lesbian out of me, but I'd call myself bisexual anyway. I feel so overtaken by her. (talking to and of Emma). I feel like I could be a challenge to Emma: How much of a lesbian can she make of me? I've never been in a lesbian relationship before. This is something completely new. What else is new: having this sexual relationship with her is not my defeat. I'm not doing it to be the man's loser. It isn't gross either. I have mostly seen being a lesbian in a negative light on my end. I'm still very particular with women. If Emma weren't around; I'd still be the most available with the most effort for men. I'm curious more for her. I want to know her more. I feel so sexually defenseless because I can't say no, but getting to know her isn't for me to be out to get her either. I can't promise faithfulness. I can't promise it. I'm still very pussy whipped for her in ways I've never been or never wanted to be before with any woman. ........................... in the y man world... Jack is presently on top and I have a hard time in knowing to know what to believe with him. I feel he does want me and has his own possessiveness, but I question how much he loves me or seriously wants me. In some ways I feel I've been to rude for him without meaning to be. He could have someone he wants more and I've thrown myself on him several times anyway. Maybe Jack has his times of wanting me and not wanting me and wanting me more at times. I think he does want to keep me but when my clock ticks the way it does and the pressures, heats, and intensities are on some times are more difficult to be respectful of each others love and when we're both not completely each others and each others center of attention, it's harder to say whatever he could want to say or me to get, know, or understand the half of it or what I should say. I can't help that my heart emotionally breaks and wants to wonder a little more with the men who were being aggressive. It just wasn't done the right way and I can't compromise myself like that. I've never stopped caring for Jack and he is the easiest to compromise for. I think he does have some heartbreak cards rolled up his sleeve, but I don't know everything there is to know yet about Jack. My matrix/ other world, girlfriend and boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if you guys hooked up at some time, but I'm not thinking in too many terms of fear right now. But, am I playing another impossible game where you guys will never be physically here in my real everyday life?

Hey Jack

Arbitrage gossip looks like you and Margo Price had a love affair going on. I thought she was married, but I wouldn't be surprised if you did have a love affair with her. You're supposedly "divorced" anyway, but maybe there is something that is still there. Maybe you're wanting to take a break from relationships and women for now to get back in the game later. I don't know, but curiosity hasn't killed my cat yet. I'm not sure what I am to you either. I'm glad if you still really are around. I know people like to play gossip and mind games in my head sometimes, but it's hard to get me to seriously believe in what people say. I can play around some, and I try to mostly keep it as play because I don't like the way people would think I would believe them and also distrust the way they take me. Some people are serious about being dominate with their gossip and putting me in the corner, but I try to be as peaceful and playful as possible until someone gets too arrogant, vain, or dominate with me. I've been a very hated island queen. I don't mind being vulnerable and sharing myself with you some. I hope you would want my company. I am afraid to know more of your info, and feel slightly led on to you because you are not preventing me from coming on to you more by sharing reasons as to why I shouldn't. You seem to want me to want you. In my own complexities and Canadian sense of self, I wonder if you're in it to win it with me against the Drapers when it comes to entitlement, or are you really another Don Draper I have yet to understand? You have your own way of being high and mighty. "Die By the Drop," came from my own antagonism against some Don Draper authority and other authorities I never thought were good enough. It usually did boil down to whoever had the most money was the one who was entitled to make any and all choices. Totalitarianism/ tyranny isn't always easy to see. Sometime the tyrants will know you're on to them and will only try to kill you with more tricks or sadistic robbing lies. ...... I think I'm done with some of my ramblings for now. I'm glad to have felt that I was noticed by you. I'm sorry if you feel I have let you down or hurt you in ways or extents that I don't know. I'm sorry that I didn't recognize your name or taken advantage of you or your band enough. I feel I let myself down in some ways, but I was always more of the type in refusing to have anything to prove. I hate structures and fighting structure to structure. I hate feeling forced to scream. When too many things were never right or fair to begin with..........

Random Thoughts

Summer has gone quicker than I expected. My baby girl is going to be starting Pre-K soon and I feel like shit. I had wanted to take her more places and have more things to do, but school will be starting before I'll be able to make that happen. It's not that I still can't take her anywhere; it just won't be until after school starts. I'll feel a little guilty when I'm in Tennessee, but the trip is still a trip that is in need. I need the real fresh air and a peace of mind. I love the travel and the exploration. I have a thrill to meet someone important to me. ..... Fall is still coming and I have been getting ready for that and crafting. It will be an exciting year for crafting. .... I have some job planned in mind when I'm through with being a dancer, but now, I'm not as sure about it at all. While merchandising is decent money, I'm not sure if I want to continue with that and another part time job and putting all that gas mileage on my car. decisions decisions. A bridge to cross when I get there. ... I was hoping for better weather this weekend. Besides a pontoon ride with Mitzi and I being canceled today, I have another marathon tomorrow that may be canceled too. It's supposed to rain later in the day though. I don't know how it will go, but this weekend matters a lot in de-stressing myself. ... Until then, just a short and simple blog.

Excited

I'm so excited for my trip to Tennessee. I've got the dates from the 16th to the 19th. I hope you're there when I'm there. I plan on making my trip worthwhile either way. I don't want you to feel like you're my prostitute either. I'm seriously not out to be extreme with the credit or extreme and tooth and nail with "who is buying who?" This trip is for my own peace of mind. The matrix Mr. Smiths can get the better of me from time to time. Beyoncé is a conversation for a later day. Besides that; I know I don't know my full truth with you and I do have a fear of the unknown. I hope you have some satisfaction with me. You did do me a favor. I hope you would be my block or escort if your credit went to someone I know I don't want. If not, I could be interested in a random blank slate man you could throw my way. I'd hope you would want me or some of my time. .... I have yet to look up other sightseeing in Tennesse but that will be fun in being a tourist. While I've never been big on country, I can get into the soul of it from time to time. Some music I like and other music can grow on me. I'm so surprised that your modern day music has more of a country flavor to it. Indie/alternative/punk rock to blues rock/country. It is an interesting musical evolution of yours. I plan on buying your full album cds when I get there but I've already downloaded a couple of the songs through ITunes. I really like the lryics to the song: "Alone in my home," on Lazaretto. Don't I really feel that song? Not all of the time but often. ... I know today is one of your big days with your records in space. I hope it all goes well and fun. I'm thinking of you and being ~steady as I go~ aren't I such a perfect bitch? lol I'm not sure how much I could fit in your follower box but I'm not going to worry about that too much either...

Hi Jack

Jack, .... So the like must have been you want me to find a way to ask more.... Although I've used the line before, Red Hot Chili Peppers say it best: "Tell me Baby, what's your story, where you come from and where are you going to go this time?" Another band I like. You're in so many! Do you take turns performing concerts in them or are you done with your shows and its about your other record bands? I thought you came from Josh in however way, and today it was like the internet was reading my mind with: Big Brother, and I was going to get cheesy on you with that. I've seriously never been crazy about the show or the concept or even having an accountability partner of some sort. Not that you come across as that, but as a hero. If I had to be codependent with someone, you'd probably be the best choice.... while I usually don't gossip or like to gossip about past loves; I feel the need to let you in on myself a little more..... There were points and times that I really tried to be a good woman for David. With all the upsets, one was the same old Don Draper communication, but I personally blogged to him and kept him talked to and some conversations going. I still see him as a snob. Besides one murderous attack in the mind, another attack in the mind with my complaints against communication, from him was "yes I am intentionally restraining you and denying you of your dignity." I may have ran my mouth on him some but his Chicago still has no comparison of my Chicago with just how much he has wronged and hurt me. I've never understood why some men have lived to be such serious and sick sadists with me, but they do. I don't think it is fair to have had no other choice in putting up with the amount of sadism that I've had to put up with, not just with David, but with many men that it became the terrible norm with. I know some men are seriously and vainly deceived that "50 shades of grey" is what I like. There have been some ways that I could own up to the possessive part, but I seriously don't even want to tease the thought that much more because the sadism has fallen into too many wrong and inferior hands. I've been fed up with David's meanness, cruelties, and sadisms. While my life still feels at risk with him staring at me in being a horny and subdued dog with "Pamela Anderson" as me in his eyes, I plan on keeping him walked away from. All opportunities to make a big jump off and away from him felt the best right time. I'm not kidding with David, I'm done with his sadism, ignorance, and intentional will to keep me rag dolled and ignored. It didn't matter what I did; his status quo below my standard relationship stayed the same. ...... I really don't know what could be in store for you and I. While I have an expectation for you to not deny me by saying I am your schizophrenic, I couldn't let myself have any serious or strong expectation with us in a relationship. It would be great if you did want to meet me in person and did want some of my time. Before Steve or David came along, I was really never looking to be in a relationship with someone. While a relationship is possible while being a stripper, I don't think it is the best timing of an idea. It's not that I don't have the potential to be faithful. It wasn't that I was resistant to David in wanting to just take me and take care of and just be "the breadwinner." Too late for him now. I really feel the need to be protected against David and Travis. It is like just because I've had my slutty moments in life; I am open to open relationships. I hate their sadistic ways in wanting to coerce and/or force me to being a bisexual lesbian or just lesbian. I really didn't understand why some had to have such a problem in being straight. They were either mad for their own piggish behavior for threesomes or orgies or they were mad at how serious I was to keep some of their intentional vain or sadistic judgment the most violently headbutted and denied. I'm not comfortable with their gay bisexuality either. Why did some men have to make me feel insecure to find it so hard to "take someone for worse or better" I seriously think there is nothing wrong with the most traditional wedding vows. You seem to be the last man alive who doesn't have a problem with them either. While I was not out to marry every man I ever met, they could have made me feel a little more accepted than what they did. The idea of a man feeling happy and satisfied with just one woman feels like there is a Matrix Mr. Smith who wants to beat the idea to death. I need your Neo right now to make people understand just how right we think we are. Some people kill me for the way I think, feel, and believe more than they know.

You're the One Who Seriously Need to Think More

I still mostly perceive you as a dumb rapist nigger pig. I hate that this is already being pushed this far. With the way you have treated me, I don't think you have any business in wanting to be in any kind of real serious relationship with me. You're way too cold blooded and the bad man you are is still that much more bad than whatever bad man I am. I'll keep screaming bloody murder rape the more you keep trying to put up a fight with your "Chicago" competitive victim game. If you really want to punish me more or make me your 50 shades of grey, you have another thing coming. You probably did not only fuck the real actress too but you probably did recently cheat on me with her. THE LISTS OF WOMEN YOU HAVE CHEATED ON ME FOR. WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO CALL YOUR PIGGISH GAME. I don't trust you AND YOU BETTER FUCKING KNOW YOU KNOW THAT. I DARE YOU TO KEEP CONTINUING ON WITH YOUR LIES AND THINKING I'M YOUR DUMB NAIVE VICTIM. YOU WANT TO ROB ME AND MAKE ME LOOK LIKE SOMEONE I'M NOT AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NIGGER LIKE THAT. I MUST BE A REAL SERIOUS THREAT TO YOU SOMEWHERE TO WANT TO BLACKMAIL, LIE, RAPE, AND ROB ME THE WAY YOU DO. I still haven't figured out the enemy you are. If you havn't learned from your dumb games at this point you're never going to learn. I don't know how much you hate my fascism with Jack but I do see "Treat Me Like Your Mother," right now between us and I sure as hell am not going to put the fault on me. Play dumb, play dead, play gay. You know you have me more severely betrayed and mistreated. I'm not going to conform to your games, fascism, or doing things your way. I don't think we compare at all and I'm not anywhere close to giving up on doing things my way. You should think of something more to say with how seriously violent of a dense rapist I think you are.

Personal Travel

Although my trip wasn't as perfect as I wanted it; the trip was worth it more than it not being worth it. I liked the little bit of a thrill that it was. Although I've been to Baltimore a few times; I discovered more about it this trip. I found out about more things to do and places that it had. I had no idea that Baltimore had such a huge Casino and mall. I thought the only mall Baltimore had was the one that was down by the harbor. I was glad to have discovered this new mall. While making money was one of my main objections; the location made it hard to keep the money that I made. I definitely had better luck this time while at the strip club, but the business was surprisingly slow. It was comparable to Morgantown: both businesses slow and that I made about the same amount as I would if I were in Morgantown. I did like the Club Pussycat better than the ones that I had already tried, but am still curious to try more out. If I were to come back; I don't know when I'd plan on it. I might be a retired stripper by then. While I have a little resentment in not bringing back the amount of money I wanted to bring back; I at least bought the things I needed and found good deals while shopping. I'm glad that I got to finish my trip off with the 5k marathon. The marathon made my trip worthwhile too. It was as fun as it sounded. I thought it had its own terrible humor to do the 5k club style. It was mostly like a music fest with some vendors but not tons of vendors. They had a beer truck. Before the race started, some people who were actually running had already started drinking. I just had to shake my head at a couple of people that were drinking before the race. I ran the whole race without stopping to walk or take a breather. I'm so glad when I can make the distance without stopping. I'm not sure if they even timed the race. I did stay and party a little after the race and drank a beer before making the rest of my way home. I love techno music and I was glad that everyone else was enjoying it with me. Some people don't like the techo/rave kind of thing and only like hip hop or rock, but I think techno has such a good sound. I wasn't too sure how much of a rave it really was. I did smell some pot on an occasion, but I wasn't there to be a drug hall monitor. There was a ton of people though. Ton of people. I definitely would like to run that one again.

Taking a Stroll with Prince Harry

I wouldn't mind being taken by your escort for an imaginary walk. I know it is getting a little ugly with David and I. Anything I could say about him is something I've most likely already said to his face. "Springsteen?" Jon is still in a much worse standing than David. Bruce Springsteen is supposedly supposed to have a share with Jon but I think the lowest of the low things about Jon. I think David is low too, but not as much as Jon. I think he has a more sincere way of caring about me, but he just doesn't understand how poisonous and toxic of a man he is. It's like I'll always have to repeatedly take on the same type of man with the same type of problems and it has been more difficult through the years to try to attract the type of relationship and man I want. I've always tried my best to treat a man to his own personal blank slate with: what you see it what you get. I mostly do, but sometimes I feel like I'm being forced to have a strong bias against him with shares of Jon and Shawn. It upsets me that men like that don't give up on me after all of the hell they have put me through and times they have mistreated me in the worst ways. I hate Jon and Shawn's arrogance with a passion and the way they think they could have me back at anytime and that I'd always be available or won for them. Jon and Shawn have always treated me to the most least sense of civility and fairness. I don't understand why they would have any desire for me after making such a serious inferior and underdog out of me. David could be a man who sees and observes things and would make the terrible mistake of misunderstanding me through Jon and Shawn's lies. I don't understand David much and I don't think he understands me. Whatever mission David is supposed to be on...... I am creeped out about the whole David Cameron thing and how that whole arbitrage works with both Jon and John and "Bree Ann." I hate the way they have never wanted to give up on bigamy in the worst sadistic and ignoring way. I have felt lonely in the worst way for the longest time because I know I see Jon for the sadistic and selfish man that he is and it is like nobody will see him for the bad man he is. People expect me to forgive and put up with him after all of the times he fails me. I trashed his entire bigamy by treating him like my Ike Turner or Tommy Lee. I would rather intentionally provoke him to smack me around to give their vanity a harder smack that I WILL NEVER COMPROMISE myself for their unsorry vain sadistic rapacious ass. Why won't people keep them punished more for the Moammar Qadaffi's they are? I seriously can't figure out whatever mission David is on and I'm pretty livid at the way he seems to be another man who expects me to change who I am, and the way I think or feel about things. If a man is SERIOUSLY going to go for a woman he wants, he should have known her better and have been sold on her from the start. (not in a seriously prostituted way). My most serious problem and vibe that I feel with David is that he is not sold on me, does not accept me for who I am, wants to control me and expects me to lay my life down for him. I feel beat up by his fascism and popularity contests. I don't feel like he puts me first. I feel like I get back stabbed by him sometimes and he just doesn't say things to my face enough. As much as he could hate me for going against his double standard with loyalty and gossip, I know he has already betrayed me in some ways. I hate when fire begets fire to war and cheating games, but it is how relationships naturally roll sometimes. I have my own reasonable problems against him that he doesn't seem to back down from enough or be pussy whipped to care about me enough. It is so painful and hurtful to feel so betrayed by him and he is so emotionally insensitive about it. I don't want you to feel like I am double crossing you either but I probably will include David in the conversation. There is a certain way I'm still his and can only keep waiting on him. I really think that it is Gillian he has had most of a thing for but he has been keeping me played with her the entire time. And being against being too loyal for David, it is for the sake of my own pride to say that he is the forceful one. He stays and forces me to stay with him in some ways. I have no choice in it. He is the forceful one that I can only wait on.

Strong and Serious Expectations

Ok, the gossip and talk first.... I'm getting the gist that it is "Sam" that you've been beefing it out with. First off, I do not give Sam the James Bond credit. Daniel Craig reminds me of Mike Jones. When I made a serious enemy out of Sam on my end; I made a serious enemy out of him. There were no games or given credibility thereafter. I don't know what to say much with Mike Jones. We have had a thing for each other and our own betrayals of each other. We were never that close, and Mike has not always been an easy man to follow. I think he has shares with Bradley Cooper too. It almost looks like it is Kate Hudson he would want to presently threaten me with but I think he already knows you and I have a thing going on. Mike hasn't brought me to hate him, and I'm not sure what to think of him. .... Back to Sam, would I rather be your used victim against Sam, or would I know that I would probably be used again later for whatever sexual impulse where I could be that much more disturbed in knowing you had some kind of bisexual relationship with him? I would prefer to be disturbed at a lower level. It isn't that you're an entire blackmail. I am glad that you would be refusing against Sam. We're still on the rocks though..... It looks like it was Steve Curry who was putting the Blake Shelton gossip on you where he made you look like you were cheating on me more with Liz and hating on me for now lowering my standards or expectations. I do question you with Liz being another additional woman you would add to your harem, but I think that Steve is a corrupt man who would make up a lie or an exaggerated or cancerous assumption. You seem to compete against each other more than wanting to be in a bisexual relationship together, which is a good thing. I'm still somewhat a little disturbed over the whole ordeal with Steve and know there is still a lot of mystery to it. While you don't completely snub me altogether; you're still pretty selective with my issues that you will or won't talk about. I'm mad at the way you've dodged the bullets with your cheats, my questions especially on Stacy and Bree Ann, and now it looks like it could be Autumn you want to threaten me with too. I didn't click on the link, but I may want to "be persuaded into eloping you more than not eloping." "Just take the naïve or doormat road Sarah." David, my rules are mostly based on the choice of the pursuit. While I have terribly had a lot of Don Drapers and men who believe in open relationships pursue me through the years, it doesn't mean I was always out to make those kind attracted to me. I know it is their barbarianism that keeps wanting to control me and force me to conform to their open relationship and swinger agenda. I think it is very mean, sadistic, and depressing. When they make the choice to pursue me, they make the choice to pursue me. No matter how severe or detailed of Shariah laws there are with the wealthy dating the non-wealthy I WILL NOT LOWER MY EXPECTATIONS IN BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE ALWAYS EXPECTED FAITHFULNESS. I have felt very humiliated and devalued through the years because it HAS BEEN A VERY LONG TIME TO BE WITH A MAN WHO AGREEABLY THINKS THAT FAITHFULNESS AND TRUST SHOULD BE TREATED AS NORMAL AND SERIOUS. The kind that thinks that open relationships are the Utopia or paradise IS NOT MY UTOPIA OR PARADISE. I understand the way "if you give a kid a piece of candy" rule applies to this too. If I lower my standards and expectations for you, I lower my standards and expectations for any and all other men in the arbitrage no matter how wealthy or how poor. IT IS ALSO CONSIDERED TO BE RIGGED OR FORCED TO FAIL. It isn't that I would even want to think about or consider lowering my expectations for you. DESPITE HOW FAMOUS OR WEALTHY YOU ARE; I DO EXPECT YOUR FAITHFULNESS WHEN YOU PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, WANT TO LOVE ME, AND WANT MY LOVE. David, I love you too in some ways, but I'm not a total sellout of love for you. Despite love and lust, there is always the matter of the choice. Right now, I can't be agreeable or accepting of what the status quo of our relationship is. The status quo of the relationship is not good enough for me.

Tell Me Baby ....

Seriously, where did you come from? I finished off Californication's Season 4 yesterday. The first time I remember noticing you noticing me, was probably 2009 or 2010 when you had your pedigree commercial. I was assuming you were Shawn talking to me at the time. I seriously choose to give you your own personal credit right now... Back to Californication. I did get myself knocked up around 2011. Mitzi was born 2012. I can't believe how time flies. How much of the show did you write or produce? In some ways Pamela Adlon is a likeable character, but I am seriously offended that I was being compared to her. What a shameful maternity she had. I never said those things and I would never would. I have never made the choice to be a crackhead either. Further theory: you are a drug lord who does not want to kill me and instead, makes me up for yourself, and puts that on me to be the lied about, made up hypocrite so you have nothing to worry about. Why not be buried alive under more things? Why not make an assumption out of me in being a crackhead? It was pretty mean of you to trash talk me as if that is what I was like in my pregnancy. I'm also upset that you would let John Atchison have that much of a credit to a relationship like I ever wanted or loved him like that. Who in the world else could my Runckles be? It isn't good that you're being compared to John Calipari either. He supposedly has another arbitraged share with both John and Jon and it isn't a good thing that you would be compared to their name. It isn't a good thing at all. You have some hidden angers to trash talk me with Pamela like that. You notice me somewhere around 2009, 2010 and since then, I somehow stuck to you and you have been keeping me in the corner of your eye all along and taking note of me for whatever your agenda is..... While you're still here and playing me, I do believe that Gillian or your ex is your #1 right now. You're keeping their love tested while keeping them played at the same time. I have no other choice than to continue to wait you out. I do consider you to be the one cheating on me right now, and especially since X files will be having an 11th and 12th new season, you and Gillian probably will make more future plans for each other ahead. If you wanted to stick it out with me, I would believe that you would most likely cheat or eventually cheat on me with her. You already have, yet you still want to hold on to me LIKE I THINK YOUR CHEATING IS NOTHING. Don't you dare think I won't deny the victim that I still am. Don't you dare think that I would be willing with your polygamy and that I would seriously settle and not prepare and get jet ready. I can only keep waiting you out in your games and sometimes violent possessiveness. ................

Continued Drama Dry

You seem to be taken aback today. If it was all Amish Jim being vain with me like he had a chance, I'm upset at just how much of a chance Jim thinks he has. I'm not understanding your presence today and it doesn't seem to be a strong presence. ... I have never been crazy about the way people have thrown around the word "molesting." I know Bree Ann is one of the most retarded judges of all when it comes to that issue. While I'm hateful against the term, I'm not standing with you too much over the Sandusky label. I hate feeling underestimated, ignored, and looked over. The majority of men have never recognized just how expensive I am WHEN THEY WANT TO MAKE A SERIOUS POSSESSION OUT OF ME. Although I don't always like to hear what some truths are, it is better to tell me the truths of some reds rather than leave me in the dark and continue to make me a victim out of it in the worst unfair way. You're shady and probably do want to beat me up with your popularity contests and betrayals. While I have never given much power to fascism or popularity contests IT IS STILL A BETRAYAL to treat me beneath or at the mercy of it rather than treat me to liberty, civility, OR THE TERRIBLY LOST CONCEPT OF RESPECTING DIFFERENCES OF OPINION. People have always been more guilty of that than I have ever been. I feel ignored where you just don't understand the real serious emotional trauma that comes with your betrayals and supremacies of others. It has always been too insensitive for some people to overlook their gossips and betrayals. While I have never been close to a comparable stalking Qadaffi against other peoples gossip and expecting the most extreme loyalty; I still feel the emotions in being attacked with gossip and betrayal. There always seems to be several more cheats for me to discover whether or not I have strong shares with the cheats or not. You make yourself a questionable Burlusconi, where I'm "every" woman, but it still isn't enough. Angelina is probably one of the women I can be the most cool about, and I have suspected your affair with her there too. You're an undoubtable player and a pretty shady man. You don't seem to go as far as others in being a serious sexual murderer with your "make it nasty song," and being a chauvinist pig. It's not that I'm not taking back the juggernaut statement either; I know you're like that when you're in the red. Angelina supposedly calls you her Jon for some reason and you surprisingly and seemingly have some misery with her, one of the women I have always seen as the most perfect kind. I almost feel you wish I was more judgmental with your drug problem, but I can only just look at you and blink. You obviously don't make a lot of smart choices in being such a player, cheater, foul-mouth, and drug "solution." I don't make the choice to take you for your worse. You are a cliché bad boy where I already know my cliché good girl answer in not wanting to be in that kind of relationship. I don't know what to say to you in your Stockholm anymore. I hate your insensitivity, unfairness, cheating, status quo, and unfair expectations in the status quo. While I sometimes like to look nice I haven't yet been aggressively seeking any more random affairs. I stay beat into submission for now and know I don't understand you.

Domestication

I know I still don't understand you and why you would still be around..... How can I say and come across what I want to say..... This is meant to be a personal conversation and I'm not meaning to be a crude rat to your face. If some messages I see aren't coming from you; I seriously do not know where they come from and I am deeply angry and disturbed that there could be a person who wants to give their self the credit to a personal conversation that I make to you. Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised at all if you were a crackhead. I continue to choose to not be a fool or too led on to some of your signs and come ons. It isn't that I sometimes wouldn't want to be your fool. Even if you were to say "we are seriously done," I couldn't believe in that too much either. I feel your vibes and the way you are around sometimes. If it were coming from somewhere else; I do have a reason to feel deeply disturbed where it isn't my fault once again. You seem to remain jealous and very hyper sensitive about it. You seem very unfair in your assumptions where there is no trial and you have a violent and mean juggernaut wrath. You react with a jealousy of a crackhead. You can be savage like a crackhead. There are still a lot of things that don't make sense and I seriously question you in being jealous and having a seriously mean wrathful jealousy. You seem to have a seriously competitive complex about it where you mean to damage and insult me with a mean will to compare me with other women. I have never been that kind of battle ass and hate the battle ass war for what it is. I can't stand juggarnauts and foul mouths. You at least don't seem to be too terribly or desperately judgmental, unless you do have several knives in my back. It isn't that I deny my own jealous feelings for you. I choose to keep you threatened as a gangster, totalitarian, juggarnuat, or rapist. And, I do choose to go that route rather than the name calling one. The show "RoseAnn," was never in my idealism. Some couple feel comfortable and normal to be name callers, foul mouths, and even each others sex offender or verbal sex offender. I already feel a victim to your verbal or signage sex offender and I hate you for it. Mama don't play that way. While I can fight and bicker, I have my own limits. It matters to feel comfortable, normal, mutually domestic, and like you can let yourself go with someone. When you were being compared with Homer Simpson at one time, it was a little bit of a turn on, but I didn't want to see you as my full fledged white trash. I feel like I'm going to be stuck with you for sometime, and I want you to know how serious I am against sex offenses, insults, and foul-mouthed hate. IT IS BENEATH ME. AND YES, I FEEL MORE INNOCENT THAN YOU. I know I've kept lots of men passed up for being the juggarnauts, foul mouths, and sex offenders they are. When I feel like I'm being forced to settle with you, you have no idea how much you make me feel more endangered to other men that feel they deserve to have their way with me like that too. Jon has been the one who has made me feel like the most ruined victim of all. If he hadn't been the juggernaut, sexual assault and offense, A LARGE MAJORITY OF MEN WOULD HAVE NEVER FOUND IT NORMAL TO RUN THEIR FOUL MOUTHS AND HAD A TERRIBLE LONG AND CONTINUED SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND TOTALITARIAN SEXUAL HARASSMENT. I HATE JON STEWART WITH A SICK PASSION FOR LIFE. You have the potential to be the same mother fucker and make things that much worse. While Steve Carrel did make me cry over the way he let me down at one time; I have cried just as much for the way you have let me down too AND I KNOW I DON'T WANT YOU TO LET ME DOWN ANYMORE THAN WHAT YOU HAVE. YOU'VE ALREADY MESSSED UP. chain smokers https://youtu.be/qMH0Xglh7GA

Swimming in the deep: Shaking off a few fears

I wish I could make this blog more private for you. It wasn't ever that I never wanted a life of privacy..... dirty bitch of me. What is it that makes me your dirty bitch I wonder. There is an unclearness of lifestyle choice and idealogy between the two of us. Is it that you do match my said idealogy and you would want to put the hypocrite on me in your unfair and desperate way, or is it that I can't help but be attracted to you regardless of your lifestyle idealogy? ...... I feel I do have a case of homophobia on both your end and mine, and I'm shaking off a few fears on my end. So, you know I have a sexual attraction to Magnum gun. It is a sexual attraction and just that. She looks like she has a girlfriend right now anyway. You do have me confused in your reaction. You seem to have mixed feelings with your own lust and attraction along with anger. Is it that you really are jealous that I find her attractive? While it isn't that I mean to have a big resistance and build; it isn't that I would be serious with her. She did have her own clarity of her name, but there is still not a total clarity in another way and I would still probably have some homophobia if there were nothing else standing in the way. Her name is still standing in the way because of the ties she could have in the arbitrage. Stacy Adams (I don't know what her present last name is) seemed to look most desperate in wanting to have her credit...... There are 3 or 4 others that I fear would give theirself the credit anyway.... In talking about Magnum, why not bring up Quinn too? I have a sexual attraction to her too, but when push comes to shove, I won't be marked as her lesbian sell out. That was mean of the way she wanted to trick me on purpose to lie and say I would want her more than another man. I think the catty and predatory woman she is, is a turn off. She is also guilty by association with Stacy A's arbitrage. Quinn gets her own credit too and if she was supposed to be someone in the arbitrage, I don't know who and won't give them the credit either..... Besides the craziness of the arbitrage in all general terms; I have had my own upsets with the constant lesbian label that some desperately did want to put on me. Some women can be just as bad, if not worse than men when fighting to give theirself the credit of being wanted. Yes, I will still fight to say that some women did lie and/or lie to theirself with the credit they never had. I've been upset with the dominate judgment and harassment that has been in my life for the longest time. The judgment and harassment is the reason that I have no female friends. Some jealousies of myself or other women are inevitable too. With both men and women; there are times where I am just being social and can even be emotional, but they have never realized the offenders they are when they do make the most serious assumption that I'm being sexual about it. I have run into a lot of sexual people and I'm still upset to this day with just how many people have their minds in the gutter to always take things in a sexual way. It's awful when they are impossible dominant in their own sexual judgment and even worse when they put THEIR sexual way to take it ON ME. Besides the vain, intentional, sometimes unintentional, or sadistic ways people want to sexually take me, there were other ways of making errors with me too. If I'm called cold blooded for treating some women, singers, and actresses like a survey question, than I'm cold blooded. But, I know there are times I get mistaken when I'm only being self-identifiable. Maybe I have had a few bisexual moments with a few women on few occasions, but once again, it's like the "if you give a kid a piece of candy," when I identify myself with anyone. While I don't intentionally mean to materialize women by comparing it to picking out a pair of shoes to buy or wear, or a survey question with hair or eye color, I really mean it as a self identification. Having a likeness or similar comparison to another woman or man doesn't always mean that much or go that far with me. ... Is it that you were mad in that you felt I was hiding something from you? You already know about Angelina, Selma, and Penelope and they are mostly a thing of the past. There was no real relationship. It hasn't ever been that I have my own constant gaydar on and actively looking for or being made aware of other women. When my radar is on, the focus has always been on one man or another. When there is a real mental run in with a woman, it's really just the sex with me. If you get jealous, you can be possessive with me, but I'd get upset if you cracked the whip too much and made me look too much like a lesbian and as if I were never attracted to men. If I was with you, and I did see you being turned on by another man's sexual come on's, I would and do get jealous. Maybe you were wanting to beat me out of some of your isolation to not feel so alone in being a little bisexual. I guess I have to be honest that I have some fear in you being in entire sexual control. You seem to have some level of sensitivity. I still mean to want to stick to my said ideals.

I'll never understand

I'm not sure how serious you are in keeping me looked at as a prostitute prospect. I wouldn't doubt that you have had your share of prostitutes before. In wanting to play it safe: I'll never know how and think I can only make matters worse. In some instances I think my silences can make some difference but I can't always seem to keep my mouth shut.... I'd still be a Mary Jane if you were being serious. I don't know if it is my lack of loyalty or lack of faithfulness that sets you off the most... I know I've made you very mad and I don't know what to say..... I know there are real life Atilla the Hun females out there, but I don't identify myself too much as a conquistador and know that it will always be more natural for men to be conquestial than for women. I just don't understand your conquestialness. When it is on my end to dump and/or reject a man, I do not expect him to change. I do not choose to further pursue a man that I have already rejected. Laws of attraction are a big deal. When I know that I'm not attracted, I seriously don't understand why I should keep pursuing a man. I'm not the using type, and I've never been much of a using type. I do understand my job of being a stripper and entertainer and do expect tips. ... (I've always been agitated and on edge for the way there are a lot of immature men who have always sadistically taken or questioned me in the worst and/or underestimating ways). I think your laws of attraction are very messed up and I do not understand your laws of attraction at all. While attractiveness is a big deal; it is not my prime focused deal. Just because a person does have an attraction to someone; it doesn't mean they should be damned out of dumping them because they do have an attraction. (This is another reason I think stalking Sam is psychotic; I really do bet his is stalking and leering at me now. I naturally lost attraction to him a long long time ago) and I do lose my attraction to some men sometimes. John Atchison is another psychotic example. Had he not stayed too arrogant and vain; I wouldn't be as much of a loud gossip about it. ... Anyhow, if you seriously were that attracted to me already, I just don't understand why you would expect me to get a boob job. I don't understand why you would keep your demand to have to have me. It goes back to the conquestial nature of men I suppose, but it isn't something that I would understand. I know what I have said about prostitution in a great time of weakness and why it is likely I could say something like that again in another time of weakness. However, I will not be labeled as someone who seriously made the choice to seek prostitution. While I would never pay a male prostitute it almost makes more sense for me to have an escort for some sense of safety. It makes me mad too that I get pushed around for being single and that my singleness is used against me. I shouldn't have to have an escort to get my point or message across. Of course I have to be reminded in myself of the way I'm already profusely bleeding.... You're a terrible man David. I think you did know about some of my history and that me getting a boob job was one of the worst things you could have ever said in my times of crisis. You lost me big time there. I seriously don't understand why you would even need or want me as a prostitute after saying that and how you could ever expect anything from me. Terrible oxymoron. What nonlimp emotional love do you think you could get from me? When I know in the head what I know everything in me just stops. You're impossible.

ring around the rosy

We all fall down and back to square one. ha. no. Right now a lot of everything seems to be bullshit in a nice way. Both David and Jack are impossible men to ever get my hopes up for and I guess both are meant to be in my life for just a period of time for their own purpose. Sometimes, I get upset when people come and go and it is normal for people to come and go in life and the fact that not everyone is always meant to be in your life forever. I know I threw a fit for David to leave me alone, and I really mean that. My truth and reputation has already been fucked with enough and I don't want to be tripped up, confused, deceived, and robbed any more than I already have. If David means to be on any rescue mission; it kind of seems like it is another bullshit story that is meant more to create some kind of peace or trust. He could have helped me to my present job a little to have the money to be on my own. I don't know. I've never understood the ways the arbitrage has worked. It's not the first time that I've ever been given a bullshit promise of safety and security. I don't know what is to come of all of David's talk, but he gives the impression that he is not here because he wants to war with me. As long as he wants to change the way I think, feel, or see things, it will always be a war in itself. I really don't know why he came around, but if I feel left to feel anything: I feel embarrassed; left in the dark; and don't understand what the point of him coming around was. Jack is the only scream for help against David that I can see, but I'm sure Jack already has a life and probably already has a woman. Jack is easy to take advantage of. ha! ........... It's like I'm walking back to everyday life and have a few abstract drama stories that I've walked through. I don't think there have been any significant changes in my life. I've been thinking a lot more about my future lately, and although not all of my problems are solved, I feel that I have gained a little bit more of an independent sense of security than I have before. But it's like for once, I have no plans with anything or what I want to do with myself. It's like everything was taken and I have one of the biggest starts. It's not that I have all the job opportunities in the world, but a more open and unclouded outlook. I feel I have been able to beat some communism in some ways. While some communism may prevail; I feel I have more of a kill against some communism. Some people may use it against me for being an adult entertainer, but I can say that I did whatever it took to make me feel more free and out of the socialist bondages, manipulations, and control that people wish they could control me that much more with. I have a mean and fighting mark on myself. ........ Other random every day thoughts... I'm going to be going to Boston soon. I'm excited to travel somewhere new. I'm not always thrilled when something temporarily changes my everyday routine, but it will be nice to get out. Some suitcases I ordered came in today, but they were smaller than what I expected. I guess at the price that I got them at, it is what I paid for. It's not that they can go to waste either. The smaller suitcase would be a perfect fit for Mitzi. The carry on that came with it wouldn't even fit my computer which is a bummer, but it is not a total waste. More car repairs to pay for....Tax forms to wait on... student loans to take care of... Some financial stress, but I think with both part time jobs, I'm getting more caught up than what I have before and am glad that the present part time job I have is making a difference in my monthly income.... so many other random thoughts go through my mind, but not always time or space to talk or have someone to talk to. random thoughts and carrying on...........

The Big Bang of New York

Just in my personal perspective of "Sarah and New York relations." While I have not taken a lot of time in thinking about New York in some ways, I have considered the thought of the way I treat NY as an entity and the unfairness of it. While I have made several connections with people or groups in NY (Talk shows and the newspaper); I have also had my own theories going on at the same time. My main theories are somewhat around what some already said movies are: 1. "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" I have some line up of death threats placed over my life and I am somehow being protected in some structured secret service power. Although I think people have a lot of terrible motives; I had some impression that there were people who wanted to be out to protect me. 2. The whole "50 Shades of Grey" ordeal and that there are a few main dominate boyfriends and other random dominates that come and go and are all about their dominate structure. Mad Men tie in to this in some ways when it comes to issues of wealth and their self salvation in trying to keep their wealth and valued fascisms and egos protected. 3. That I am being used in several ways that I don't understand. I found it so odd when watching some of David Duchovny movies and came across "The Joneses" and while I wouldn't be an exact match of Demi Moore's role, I could compare myself somewhat. I feel my life is occasionally being used as a competitive/ fascist lifestyle, where sometimes it is do or die. It is not that I have high cares in fascism. I get what it means to be a "Jones" and would rather fight to have my own personal identity than to be seen as someone's follower or if I was with someone or seen in a certain clique that I know I would personally deny. It is the fight of my own snobbery and civility. ...........Sarah Palin had been a big deal to me at one time and the relations with New York and other random sources had also been a big deal. Where did it all come from and why? To me anymore, it isn't worth it to fight to be desperate to say I am an important "somebody." I don't feel that I need fame. I don't care to feel like my life is being put on the line for it. I do have problems with supremacies and dominate structures. In fighting against some; it hasn't necessarily meant that I was fighting to be famous. I really don't understand what any of my relations to New York are supposed to be anymore. Although some people like to have some kind of communications from time to time, I know that I had run my mouth harshly and don't feel that I would be safe if I were to ever to go to NY. I don't appreciate the way I was being groped by NY. I don't appreciate the suffrage of sorts in my life that has already happened. I don't appreciate the exploitations and the harassments. I don't appreciate the punishments and the piggishness. I never appreciated the way that people thought that they had me owned. While I have had some flexibility in communication, my main rules of thumb still are: WHAT I SEE IS WHAT I GET. I really don't like it when people try to make my relationships up and Barbie them around like they deserve to tell US BOTH what to do. There is a reason that I have been the most difficult TO KEEP in a relationship. I don't mean to be too hard on the one that I'm playing games with now. The Barbie doll games happen so often that people forget the basics and the common sense of being in an actual real relationship. IT IS how the man decides to go about wanting me, gaming me, and how fair or unfair his expectations are in wanting to keep me around. Paul Bunyan. I get so tired of some men (and being confused about their real actions) using their capitalism to capture me. Some of their possessiveness WAS NEVER FAIR. Real life availability does matter. It has always mattered the most.

What to do this Weekend

This is just another random blog of my thoughts out loud.... I have my own small brief little break this weekend and haven't decided what I'd like to do. I never seem to have enough time and it wouldn't be bad to just stay at home and get a few more things off my to do list to reduce my stress. Sometimes, I don't even get to get to my do list when I give myself more free time. .... I've really been wanting to go out for a long time to bar hop. Sometimes, I get my own case of cabin fever at the club that I work at. It would be nice to just bar hop around town for once and make a planned night of it. I definitely prefer to go to Morgantown to club hop. It would be another full day of being away from home though. I'm not going to make 2 trips to Morgantown in one day. My chastity belt is something that I'm not out to protect either. While I do keep my chastity belt on in some ways, I'm carefree in others. I'm not out to be desperate to find a one night stand/ fling/ potential friend with benefits to meet, but I'm not against running into one either. If I went back home to Cumberland, I could somewhat have my cake and eat it too with getting some things on my to do list done AND going out. But, I'm not as thrilled to go out on the town in Cumberland. There is so much more to do in Morgantown, and I have yet to actually go out bar hopping there yet. I don't know. I haven't made my mind up yet and have so long to plan for a day in Morgantown or just chill and relax in Cumberland..... what to do what to do