Swimming in the deep: Shaking off a few fears

I wish I could make this blog more private for you. It wasn't ever that I never wanted a life of privacy..... dirty bitch of me. What is it that makes me your dirty bitch I wonder. There is an unclearness of lifestyle choice and idealogy between the two of us. Is it that you do match my said idealogy and you would want to put the hypocrite on me in your unfair and desperate way, or is it that I can't help but be attracted to you regardless of your lifestyle idealogy? ...... I feel I do have a case of homophobia on both your end and mine, and I'm shaking off a few fears on my end. So, you know I have a sexual attraction to Magnum gun. It is a sexual attraction and just that. She looks like she has a girlfriend right now anyway. You do have me confused in your reaction. You seem to have mixed feelings with your own lust and attraction along with anger. Is it that you really are jealous that I find her attractive? While it isn't that I mean to have a big resistance and build; it isn't that I would be serious with her. She did have her own clarity of her name, but there is still not a total clarity in another way and I would still probably have some homophobia if there were nothing else standing in the way. Her name is still standing in the way because of the ties she could have in the arbitrage. Stacy Adams (I don't know what her present last name is) seemed to look most desperate in wanting to have her credit...... There are 3 or 4 others that I fear would give theirself the credit anyway.... In talking about Magnum, why not bring up Quinn too? I have a sexual attraction to her too, but when push comes to shove, I won't be marked as her lesbian sell out. That was mean of the way she wanted to trick me on purpose to lie and say I would want her more than another man. I think the catty and predatory woman she is, is a turn off. She is also guilty by association with Stacy A's arbitrage. Quinn gets her own credit too and if she was supposed to be someone in the arbitrage, I don't know who and won't give them the credit either..... Besides the craziness of the arbitrage in all general terms; I have had my own upsets with the constant lesbian label that some desperately did want to put on me. Some women can be just as bad, if not worse than men when fighting to give theirself the credit of being wanted. Yes, I will still fight to say that some women did lie and/or lie to theirself with the credit they never had. I've been upset with the dominate judgment and harassment that has been in my life for the longest time. The judgment and harassment is the reason that I have no female friends. Some jealousies of myself or other women are inevitable too. With both men and women; there are times where I am just being social and can even be emotional, but they have never realized the offenders they are when they do make the most serious assumption that I'm being sexual about it. I have run into a lot of sexual people and I'm still upset to this day with just how many people have their minds in the gutter to always take things in a sexual way. It's awful when they are impossible dominant in their own sexual judgment and even worse when they put THEIR sexual way to take it ON ME. Besides the vain, intentional, sometimes unintentional, or sadistic ways people want to sexually take me, there were other ways of making errors with me too. If I'm called cold blooded for treating some women, singers, and actresses like a survey question, than I'm cold blooded. But, I know there are times I get mistaken when I'm only being self-identifiable. Maybe I have had a few bisexual moments with a few women on few occasions, but once again, it's like the "if you give a kid a piece of candy," when I identify myself with anyone. While I don't intentionally mean to materialize women by comparing it to picking out a pair of shoes to buy or wear, or a survey question with hair or eye color, I really mean it as a self identification. Having a likeness or similar comparison to another woman or man doesn't always mean that much or go that far with me. ... Is it that you were mad in that you felt I was hiding something from you? You already know about Angelina, Selma, and Penelope and they are mostly a thing of the past. There was no real relationship. It hasn't ever been that I have my own constant gaydar on and actively looking for or being made aware of other women. When my radar is on, the focus has always been on one man or another. When there is a real mental run in with a woman, it's really just the sex with me. If you get jealous, you can be possessive with me, but I'd get upset if you cracked the whip too much and made me look too much like a lesbian and as if I were never attracted to men. If I was with you, and I did see you being turned on by another man's sexual come on's, I would and do get jealous. Maybe you were wanting to beat me out of some of your isolation to not feel so alone in being a little bisexual. I guess I have to be honest that I have some fear in you being in entire sexual control. You seem to have some level of sensitivity. I still mean to want to stick to my said ideals.