ho hum

While you look like you are fighting for me in one way; you are coming off as a Don Draper in another way. Ask questions only concerning "Hollywood." This isn't about any actual relationship or us personally getting to know each other. And, this is another reason that you lost me. You were quiet too long and didn't chase me much. You are neither emotionally, or personally here. I can be fun and easy at first, but I'm really not the easiest to keep around. It's like you're also ignoring the AIDS factor altogether too. I'm not trying to be heartless about that. You just seem to be too much of a womanizer than someone who does want to be serious or be in the type of relationship I want. Please, don't stand in the way (you haven't much at all) of me being over you. Don't give a hope that you don't have. Don't refuse to take my real "No's" for what they are seriously AND IGNORE ME.

Hemmorhaging

So, how much of a rape can I say "David Stark" is? Although you could have been trying to be honest with me about who you are, you WERE NEVER HONEST OR CLEAR ENOUGH. YOU DID GIVE ME A DIFFERENT IMPRESSION THAN MY BOSS AT ROCKY GAP. I NEVER EVEN HAD ANY SORT OF FEELINGS FOR HIM. HE WAS A CUTTHROAT, RUTHLESS, ENSLAVING, AND PREJUDICED BASTARD. YOU REALLY DID MEAN SOMETHING ELSE WHEN YOU LASHED OUT AT ME OVER FLIRT FOR FREE WITH JAMIE. YOU SEEMED TO GIVE A COUNTER SIGN, BUT THE ROCKY GAP BOSS' TOTALITARIANISM WAS MANIACAL AND EXTREME. It hurts so much that you would severely betray me like that. I will never in the life of me understand WHY YOU WOULD STILL COME ON TO ME. I don't believe that the Rocky Gap Boss is making a pass at me and if so, I wouldn't know why he would come onto me too? He is a repulsively sick totalitarian. Just when I think everything is peaches and cream with you and I; a piano comes falling from the sky and smashes on me. ~lividly screaming on the inside~. You still have a lust for me. It hurts so much. I know I did succumb to you last night. Right now, I'm not going to go in the meticulous technicalities of rape. I just don't understand what gives with the vain totalitarianism and the way the conquestial terrorism never ends. I am in pain and feel like I am hemorrhaging. I could have thought you were a proud Lenny with the "Lady," song, but you really mean to be self-centered and vain knowing my tears and pain are keeping your ego fed. YOU GAVE ME THE IMPRESSION YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE AND SOMEONE WHO WAS GENUINLY INTO ME. I HATE YOU.

David, Brawny Man?

How to phrase this.... I'm not sure what all you know about me and what I think of others... I have been so anxious and full of stress lately. Work has been slow, and although I have better luck some days than others, I'm not making as much as I usually do. I can't get enough sleep and still have bad times of insomnia. I feel so alone sometimes. (I did see the "David Quinn" sign, and am putting that suspicion on the back burner for now).I have so much on my mind and am stressed in so many ways. ..... I feel I have already said what all I need to say. John Atchison's lurker comes and goes. He is another impossible man where violence begets violence and he has no point. Jihadi John Jihadi Sam. Whether or not he is a real Muslim, he seems to believe in the sharia law. They make their own rules, bullshit contests, or challenges and more than deservingly want to put me at their mercy. Last night, I know I was grossly sexually assaulted in the mind. I'm not sure how much their Russian terrorism gets caught or away with. I don't know what sick test it is or who has killed to keep me terrified with their grotesque nerve, but I'm getting pretty angry at his dumb pig warmonger. Besides being a pig with his dumb violence, he is a pig at what he wants to put on me. I can fearlessly continue to fight fire with fire with my own one-sidedness, and I do, but I know he is just going to keep being this pig of a man who will never stop throwing a fit to express dominance over me. I'm not sure how other people are looking at the both of us. Besides not being at his mercy, I'm usually not at the mercy of what other people think either. I have my own made up mind. He looks like a given jealous totalitarian terrorist. He looks like he could never be more jealous and possessive with "Who am I to decide any choice over my life?" "Who am I to give myself away to whomever I choose?" There are times when I feel he is so desperate to lie against me or vengefully refuse to give up on his assumption that I am always an available possession for him to own. Besides that, and besides his bullshit rules and contests, he fights to have the bigger and more kills of rejection. Thus, he will always deserve to have control over my life because he is the "Dominant (and desperately competitive) rejecter." I know I'm not giving him a chance. But I've always known the wrongness that it is to be that totalitarian or have that self- entitlement. I've known the wrongness of being a sore loser and a vain pig. I think he is such a weak person who doesn't even want to consider the truth of rejection on my end and that I know I'm not giving him a chance. I know he's the type of pig who wants to put the control freak or Gadaffi on me. I just can't stand his weak mindedness and his own warring thought processes either. I can't stand his stupid judgment and assumptions and the way he wants to war over it with me. Sam's dumb sharia law with "because I've slept with someone, yada yada yada" Sam is the sickest in his conquestial terrorism. ....... My little vent shpeal with the Jihadi John A. baby daddy is over. I'm not sure if you have read my other blogs. Although I hate Kate Hudson, I do fear "How to Lose a Guy in 10 days." I know I don't want to lose you. I want to let you in and know I have some trust in you. If you are out to protect me, I'd be appreciative if I felt a little less defenseless. I'd be relieved to have a voice with someone else. I feel so lonely sometimes. Although being single or on my own has some good benefits; there are sometimes that are harder than others in being and feeling alone. I may not always have something to say or be the best conversationalist, but I wish you were in my life more for mutual company or companionship. It could be too soon, but I get so anxious.

You Wear Black Because

..... Yeah David, not sure what all the present talk is or how I should follow you, but I just don't care to win with you anymore. You undermine "Eddie," but it could still mean anything. I really don't think you love or accept me for who I am. You love and accept me or you don't. You could be backing down with the breast issue, but I'm not being easy. I know I am bleeding and crying on the inside, but I bleed it out just to throw it away. You seem to continue to dominantly advance and make more lunges to come after me and capture me for yourself anyway. I'm really not liking the looks of your dominant. I know I've been a tease and provocative, but I know my motives for what they were when I was asking for it. There is a timing for everything. Because of what the present story and circumstances are, I know I don't want to be treated as your sex slave or submissive like that. If I can't win with you, I expect you to be honest with what my real truth is and I don't want to be anymore livid and full of rage because of the way people have never got my truth right. If I can win, I seriously want to be left alone. The thought of you being able to convince me that I am seriously accepted, wanted, and loved has faded. I'm not the type who keeps pursuing and wanting a man who I think is wrong. I've gone without this long and know I can still go without. ....

David: Inside and Outside

Let's start with the inside and you in my head..... Being a little more possessive because you know I let you. I have some resistance but not enough. I feel loved and wanted/needed. It's good to make me feel like this. Maybe some men have a thing or a crush on me, but I've never been convinced that they are serious enough about me or love or want me enough. I'm not sure which men you would want to question me with, but you are the main man of interest right now. I know I want you, but I have my own emotional hesitancies. Some men have come and gone and I have had my fair share of heart breaks. I know there are a lot of vain ones who might assume that I would be available anytime they want to take me back, but I'm not the easy or desperate woman that some men would mistake me to be. I really do hate how the egomaniacs or super structured ones think they have me beat, conquested, or forever won. Some may recognize that I was never there or never won the way they would credit themselves some day. I know how ego feuds and men who don't want to want to be rejected can get. I know they won't always get the way that it took two to tango. I'm not an egomaniac to obsess or argue over it, but sometimes my anger or frustrations can get the better of me... Until I find the right man or the man that would work....... David, let's say you seriously were still serious for me.... If I'm in a relationship, I do need a certain amount of attention and kept up to date on. Sex matters, and spending good time with me matters too. It's not that I need it 24/7. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time and it would be a different pace of life at first to be spending more time than usual with an endeared other. I GUESS I JUST THINK that part of my resistance to you being possessive is the unfairness that we still haven't formally met or spent any time together. I am not sure if we will ever spend time together? Maybe you like the masculinity and power of being possessive of a woman and knowing she likes it, but there is still something missing. .... I obviously haven't left you yet presently. (I come and go) I feel strung along and may eventually feel an under dogged Don Draper victim who you really don't think is good enough for you. I usually naturally fall out of love when I don't feel loved, appreciated, or wanted enough. I have my own extents. ...................OUTSIDE. It is really looking pretty bad on my end actually. While you haven't made any comment against me, you haven't made any comment. You and Gillian look like the more dominant and official couple. The decades relationship you guys have had but you never married? If it has never happened than it most likely would never happen or maybe it would be a better time now? Maybe you've already had a love affair while married, or maybe you have always believed in having an open marriage? I don't know David. I know it isn't looking good on my end. hmph. convinced in some ways in the head but unconvinced on the outside. ....

I want to want you, but.

David, I'm going to have to go with my gut and just go with it and the way you get in my head..... I know I want to want you. The message seemed to be: amongst Jon Stewart's arbitrage, you were in there somewhere and somewhere along the way you noticed me and got a thing for me through Jon. I' m sure you won't argue much over the snowflake matter, but you also have to understand the guilty by association you are. I was only associated so long until I made the choice to keep him out of my life over the last several years. I don't know how much you would know of the terror I have been in over Jon's totalitarianism. I usually believe in a more fair and open game. Because of what you already have written all over you; I have no other choice but to be very unfair about it all. I'm sure Jon has gotten away with his piggishness very often with very many. He has no comprehension to just how much of a totalitarian pig he has always been. I know I'd be better off talking to a brick wall. There is no breaking through to Jon with the way I think or feel........ David, I know I don't know your details and what the somewhere along the way specifics are of yours. It is a totalitarian/ quarantine I feel I have suffered from. I love to see fresh or random faces who have nothing to do with my history or Jon's arbitrage or cliques. I'm sorry for how much of a negative bias I have to use against you. In any normal relationship, it is always expected for the man to put the woman he is in the relationship with 1st. That was never my story with Jon. He was such a sick vain juggernaut pig to have kept wanting and pursuing me knowing he had never and was never going to put me first and make me a slave to someone else. Why he was ever that extreme and never-ending of a nightmare with other fellow gang rapists (which I have no other choice to question you) I will never know. I'm sorry that I have to assume you are just another fellow conquestial terrorist and rapist. I will never settle for a man who will never put me first. That was so sick of Jon to be a pig like that and the men involved with him to be ignoring and piggish with him. The majority of men who have had a history with me and who have already known that SHOULD HAVE never had any business to keep wanting me knowing they were never going to put me first. They really should have known better than to keep threatening me like that or staying restless to put their conquestial marks on me. They should have never stayed constant unmasked or in a guise thinking they would ever trick me into being the conquest they want me to be. I want to want you but I can't be your fool. Although a little foolish; I would want to be more of a fool, but I can't. You at least won't be deceptive with where you are coming from, but if you want me and want me to want you, you are really going to have to go the distance to prove TO ME that you put me first.

David

David, Trying to be on the same page and keeping a clear story..... Right now, the only main arbitrage connections I see are Tom and Sam. I don't think you have the motive of wanting to lead me on for them; I think you want to lead me on to yourself. Sam and Tom might want to use you for themselves to lead me on. Anyhoo, I'll start with Sam. I hate Sam. Several years back, I was a little bit of a young fool online blogging back and forth. Just because a guy could have my interest at one time, doesn't mean he will always have my interest like that. I do have my own short summed up story of what I think of Sam. I think he is a major creeper and sex offender. If I were to give his sexual predator a rating on a scale of 1 (minor offense) to 10 (severe offense), I'd give him a 10 and violently X-rated for sure. I know I may not have his entire truth or entire understanding of what he is, but I seriously despise Sam. He is quick to judge, a terrible judge of character, and a very arrogant and impossible man. I think he is one who is responsible for an ATK connection with some seriously violently X-rated sexual offenses where he thinks he deserved to have his way with his sick rape. I know he thinks he has me beat and his dominant seriously is not good enough for me. I don't care how much he wants to beat me up in calling me a transvestite; I will always see him as my X-rated violently psychotic inferior...... YOU. In all honesty David, I know I don't know you or see you enough. I don't think you are a psychotically and seriously judgmental man that Sam was. I think you are being playful and maybe were into me a long time ago and possibly were a jealous man for my committed love. Dog food. Maybe it was nothing to read into at all. Maybe you were meaning to talk to someone else. I'm sorry to have not noticed you enough then too. I have some kind of obvious trust in you right now, and unless you break my trust, I'm going to keep leaning into you. ..... Tom. I have nothing new to say about Tom. Maybe he is still into me, but as long as the terms are always going to be the same, I seriously don't care about Tom. It wouldn't be worth it to me to stick it out with Tom. Maybe he still wants to try for me with random acts of kindness, but the big picture is still there. I am still refusing to settle for what Tom would have to offer. ......... I am on the 3rd show of the first season of "Californication" so far. I don't have too much of a comment about it right now. You definitely are a sexy man, but the thesis of the show so far isn't really helping you. I know I don't want to know how much of a manwhore you are. I guess I'm just watching it out of my curiosity for you. It really looks like you have the biggest thing for Scully. The ex looks a lot like her except with longer hair. Even in a recent music video, and X-Files will be starting up again soon. You look like you're into her and getting fresh with her too. I'm still unsure with where you stand with everything or what and who it is you want. ...... You're still on my mind and I can't wait to see you in Pittsburgh in a couple of weeks.....

Just a Hostage: Thinking out loud to your face

While it might not ever be good news for Jon; I feel I have some relief of being over him. I've always seen the cold blooded facts that were there. I am used to the heart break. Even if he was begging with everything he had in him and promising an overall consuming fidelity, the thrill and the feeling of being loved is just gone. Maybe he does have an emotional love for me. It is just the violent manwhore he always was. While there were times that I was violently heartbroken with both of us losing and wishing it weren't so, the idea of having a real win doesn't mean much of anything. I know he lies and lives in his own urges and lack of self control. I know how many times the story changes; how he makes stuff up; how much he says things without meaning anything. There is nothing reliable or trusting about him. Even if were sincere with all the commitment to prove, there is too much misery. It's knowing the man he was; the manwhore he was; and the fascist prejudiced lifestyle he was. We hardly have anything in common. If I have a sincere win; I feel no glory in the win. Making love out of nothing at all. Making love to make love? We aren't the same and I have no desire at all to conform to him, his type, his type of lifestyle. While I am still in a lot of pain and embarrassment, there is a big part of me that is already over him and I'm relieved.

As the Sarah Turns

Where do I begin? 3 or 4 guys I am seeing and 2 that I'm actually talking to and seeing in person. Dates. Spending time. Don't know where it will go. While I am not dating one of the four, I feel like I am being stockholmed by and am lost. While it sometimes looks like I have several kidnappers (and I probably do), I'll specifically say that it is my heart Dr. that I'm looking at. I think he is both mad at me and horny for me. From what I remember, he didn't leave a good impression on me with the whole transvestite thing. I obviously didn't leave a good impression on him either. I think it is my emotional upset that he wants to use against me to trap me. I'm not saying anymore about that particular issue. Despite whatever in the world is coming from his end, I think he could want to argue to say he is not the same murderer, sex offender, and hater as Jon. He looks like he could be dating Bree Ann, but I have seen several different pictures of her with Jon, Shawn, and Jon and Shawn's look alikes. I really don't know what is going on in their arbitrage, and I still know I don't want anything to do with any of them. I think he could have the same structure as Jon though which is the main reason I know I need to keep running. He has me somewhat seduced but I think he is a bad guy. ....... On to the next man that I'm seeing but not dating. He is friendly, quiet, warm, and mysterious. He is definitely one to keep guessing at. I think the CIA dude and Shawn D'A cross canceled on purpose because it is a third man who could be wanting to connect with me. He is still too mysterious. ....... Both of the others that I am dating are very attractive and good looking. I haven't been out or close with them enough to know what I really think of them. I'm looking forward to hanging out with one of them tonight, but I'm afraid I could lose the other and know I don't want to lose him yet. It wouldn't be fair if I lost him, but I never know what life could sometimes throw at me. Anyway, I'm curious to know more about the one that I'm seeing tonight. He looks like he could be nice but is still mysterious in some ways. ...... The other guy I'm interested in I know I like so far. Despite some other signs, he is still very likeable. He does look a little like Josh and Brad Pitt but I'm not sold on taking him any particular way. He scored some points with me and is laid back and comfortable to be around. ......... I'm not sure how my world will turn and what all could be chasing me. I know I'm seeking something fresh and new. I'm not wanting to be involved with or damned to any past drama or a type of relationship that I already know I don't want.

Random Thoughts and About Myself

About myself. Other than being centered around Mitzi; I can definitely be very self-centered. I can see myself as being over-protective in some ways, while other times I don't think I'm being protective of myself enough. I know I don't completely understand the history that I came from and not knowing which people are responsible for which things. I have been given several truths, and have suffered from a lot of various brutalities. I know there are a lot of things I am blind-sided to and I don't know where some information comes from, or what even half of the information is. Besides a lot of things that go on around me, I could say that I am a pretty resound woman. It isn't that there is nothing that can get my attention. Different things get my attention for different reasons. Although I have my stresses; I do not live to make my life revolve around the world of another. I know a lot of people lie with credit in several different ways when it comes to motives, causes, and "following the leader." I consider myself a very independent person that gives most credit to myself. I do give people credit for random things at random times, but I have been made more than aware that I have a lot of egocentric people in my life. Some people don't understand how imperative it is that they don't lie about themselves, mislead, or lie about me. Some people don't understand just how deeply offensive, vulgar, morbid, and hateful they are in their own lies and games. Some people have different strengths and weaknesses. Some people can have an innocent emotional denial, while other people can be the biggest lying sore losers and pigs that they are. While I am talking about others, this is what some of my own views are and how I see some people in my life... I have definitely been let down, disappointed, and ganged up on before. I have been betrayed by so many people in so many ways. Finding people I can trust in some ways has always been one of my most difficult challenges. I know I'm not the only person alive with trust issues and some people can be extreme with "trust no one." Life can be heavy, but I like to live with a more light heart. Sometimes being light hearted is a piece of cake while other times it is much easier said than done. ..... I do and don't have any more updates in my love life. I have continued interests and keep my eyes open for others. I have one guy I am still interested in. I hate that I don't understand his innocence. If anything I would guess that it is Justin D' A who wants to keep me in terror with John A. It is almost as if he would permit him to buy me or allow him to be domineering. The other Justin has denied himself. I just hate the way Justin D'A and John are keeping me harassed with John's sick entitlement. While leading Shawn on more in anyway is so against me for me to do; he is on my mind some. I don't want him to take it to his head too much because I don't think he understands how serious of a threat and damnation he was against me in times past. There is a little emotional connection, but it's just not enough. Maybe he is mad over how much of a tease I was in times before. I can't help but be a little bit of a competitive tease with him now, but it isn't necessarily that I'm sold out or he has me back. It's more than just him willing to be my hero against the baby's father. Personally, I'm mad that the social norm is being fed where I can't just keep John rejected on my own and that I have to have another man to get John to Fuck off. I hate the way John feels he deserves to keep me so threatened over the fact that I'm not in a relationship with anyone. I have always hated his nerve and any of his controlling manipulations, threats, or entitlement. I hope more blocks against him come my way and I have other more things to keep so much negativity out.

Window of Time, Under Pressure

Personally, I honestly feel like I'm being too brave for what is on my mind, but I'll just say it anyway. I will refer to it as "the time of an open window." There are times that I hate that I have to admit that I sometimes play the game. I have always thought caring about someone vs. playing the game really clash. Sometimes one just has a lust or burning for another person. There are other times when one can wonder if a relationship would ever come about. There is a line to draw in being patient with someone vs. the degradation of playing the game. A person wants to try to protect their self respect and their ego, but sometimes if that person shows too much availability or waits around too much for someone that person almost sacrifices too much of their self. One of the 9 lives are lost and that person becomes a little more doglike. I wish I could word it better. The song "Under Pressure," pops up in my head. A person can only be tried and tested so much when they burn for the other. It is important to have communication going on and feeling understood and that you can understand the other. Sometimes some communication gaps make it more impossible and more difficult with that open window period. Sometimes a person just knows on their own when to close a window. While I have been single for a long time and know that I'm not officially with anyone, I sometimes do get a sense of guilt. If I know I want someone and burn for them, and think that they could want and burn for me, I do find it hard to wreck it on my own. I have wrecked some things on my own before and have understood why I intentionally wreck or ruin something. It is all about the open window time period. Will I stay or will I go? Sometimes timing is everything, and while a person may pass up another person it isn't always that the person won't have another chance if there were ever another opportunity. Sometimes the timing isn't always right with both people. When there are no seen lies and the game is a little more fair, I can say what I just said. I feel I can guess better than say "why won't you just admit you don't like me?" Under pressure. I hope to get put out of my misery soon.

Player Player Player

I saw your sign yesterday with the "red haired wife." ha. you player. What would you do if I dyed my hair red? Is this a serious suggestion? lol. I actually was going to eventually get my hair highlighted again after I get other expenses taken care of. Oh Colin, I don't know what to do from this point. Besides that sign with a better odds guessing game, I don't feel wanted enough. Personally, I found it crazy yesterday when you were being figurative in talking about "seeds," and however it literally relates in basketball. Boy do you really know how to make women feel like a piece of meat or breeding body. That was a crazy thing for you to say, so womanizing. Maybe I am in the top pick of women you would want to knock up. However, being in the top pick from you isn't enough from me. I hate feeling second best. I hate feeling that I could be threatened once more from another psychotic retard about subjectivity and "queens lording over me." You love me or you don't. You put me first or you don't. Because of this fact and feeling not wanted enough and not put first enough, you won't be my baby making match either. I'm upset about it all. I don't want you to keep playing me if there seriously is a threat there. I am rightful of myself AND I WON'T BE OWNED OR SUBJECTED TO ANYONE. Some men just aren't smart enough to get and understand the "You love me or you don't concept." There is competition and playing games that only go so far. While some women will be a dog in certain ways, there are ways that I AM A DOG TO NO ONE. It is not ok to compare some people the way people do. It is not ok to put a person's life on the line or subject them to another the way they do. I had a feeling you would break my heart and I feel it is breaking now. I didn't mind you being around to keep me protected from Jon or other psychotic abusers. I just don't want you to lead me on any more than you already have because I will not be second best and living with the same problem with another man of him putting someone else above me. Don't lead me on anymore. I'll find someone else.

good news, bad news.

The good news is that it looks like you want to be my friend and earn my trust in some way. You almost look like a pimp role, but not necessarily selling me out. You're just being agreeable about responsibility. If you really were into me, I'd find it awkward of you wanting to support another man with me. Because you are new and because of the rapport that was never made, I have more grace to offer you compared to a lot of other people. This is another reason I get so angry in arbitrage when people want to have a shared credit for things they have never had the real credit for. Anyway, I really didn't think that you were married. When I wiki'd you, the page said you were married and divorced. The bad news is that you presently have a wife. I'm not the type that intentionally seeks out married men, or find more of a motivational challenge when I discover a guy is married. He might as well tell me that he is gay. Through the years, my innocence has evolved. If a man ever wanted to leave his wife for me; I'd let it happen. Further rapport is when I am seeking a relationship, I am seeking a straight, monogamous man. I am old fashioned and proud of it. I know the kind I'm looking for is kind of like believing in Santa Claus, because my brutal discovery was that it seems everybody believes in a bisexual open marriage any more. I have been so depressed through the years. I do get possessive and I like when a man is possessive of me. It isn't that I believe in slave labor. There are times when I hate possessiveness, because it feels like it is nothing but slave labor. The man wants to own me for what? He wants to keep me for what? I have never been in a healthy possessive relationship. It scars me. ........... Colin, did you seriously give me a chanceless chance with you criticizing my parents messy house? A little too arrogant and chauvinistic there. The comment isn't really going to keep me on my toes. ha! ....... You seem to not mind my friendship or me being a little clingy with you. I don't think I've scared you off and you haven't completely scared me off. If you are trying to scare me off, you're going to have to be louder, but please don't be too mean. I am sensitive you know. I don't know what your entire outlook or agenda is. I'm coming off you some to look out for other prospective guys. There really haven't been a lot that I can see, but I'll be around anyway.

All words remain the same

Stop enslaving me to yourself. While I made my comments with Dave yesterday; I'm sure you're informed of what they are. But more personally to you: it isn't we are just black and white, we are an extreme clash of color. I have always believed in AND FELT MORE THAN COMFORTABLE in a straight monogamous relationship. As comfortably common the concept used to be; it is so rare to see it and believe it anymore. I don't think you realize how much it depresses me that such relationships almost seem to be like thinking Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny is real. I hate how long it has been since I could connect with someone who feels the same way I do with relationships. Your way of life has always been awkward and deeply disturbing to me. Not only do I know the male whore you are with women; it is disturbing to know the male whore you are with men too. I hate that you would even want me to visualize you being with a man. You are disturbingly gross. I hate your prejudices that much more. I hate you would want me to be a bisexual swinger with you. That is not the life or heaven to me. I want a man who is mine and for me to be his. I want him to be jealous if anything sexual were to ever happen with me and another. WHILE YOU COULD BE GETTING SEXUALLY JEALOUS, YOU STILL HAVE THE MOST UNFAIR JEALOUSY. I've told you time after time it has felt like nothing but slave labor. You know you have never made me your number one, and I'd still damn you for the insincere way you would obligate yourself to make me your number one. Like you would ever be monogamous if I were the sincere number 1. We don't go together. Your heart will always be somewhere else and it isn't right for you to be so damn territorial with me. You know it has always been about you and what you think you deserve to have while I'm damned to live in my misery of you. Another fresh reminder is the way you have always made me my sister's inferior. You still have yet to even attempt to avenge me against her sick judgment and sexual abuse and she is desperately rambling on once again that I am guilty of having an incestuous lesbian eye and crush on her. AFTER ALL THIS TIME HER CRACKHEADED MESS STILL HAS NOT BEEN CLEANED UP. I FUCKING HATE YOUR GUTS FOR TRUSTING HER AND HER CRACKHEADED JUDGEMENT AND GANGRAPE OVER ME YOU DUMB FUCK BASTARD MAN. YOU'RE JUST AS DESPERATE AND HATEFUL OF A CRACKHEADED BASTARD AS HER. DAMN YOU FOR KEEPING HER VAINNESS FED THAT MUCH FOR THAT LONG YOU BASTARD.