Just a Hostage: Thinking out loud to your face

While it might not ever be good news for Jon; I feel I have some relief of being over him. I've always seen the cold blooded facts that were there. I am used to the heart break. Even if he was begging with everything he had in him and promising an overall consuming fidelity, the thrill and the feeling of being loved is just gone. Maybe he does have an emotional love for me. It is just the violent manwhore he always was. While there were times that I was violently heartbroken with both of us losing and wishing it weren't so, the idea of having a real win doesn't mean much of anything. I know he lies and lives in his own urges and lack of self control. I know how many times the story changes; how he makes stuff up; how much he says things without meaning anything. There is nothing reliable or trusting about him. Even if were sincere with all the commitment to prove, there is too much misery. It's knowing the man he was; the manwhore he was; and the fascist prejudiced lifestyle he was. We hardly have anything in common. If I have a sincere win; I feel no glory in the win. Making love out of nothing at all. Making love to make love? We aren't the same and I have no desire at all to conform to him, his type, his type of lifestyle. While I am still in a lot of pain and embarrassment, there is a big part of me that is already over him and I'm relieved.