Response

Where do I begin? That was a different kind of surprise. I never even saw the movie. I get the other connection I should be making with someone. I know I don't know all of the rumors and gossip of the casino, but I'll just say that I think he is an attractive guy... Tom, I'm not sure how far this arbitrage goes. With some responses, there will always be the danger of knowing the extent a person takes it and gives themselves the credit. Anyway Tom, let's get a little more personal, shall we? Do you really want to know what my anger or problem is? The way sex is sometimes taken. What it sometimes means to someone. I know men usually give themselves the upperhand on this. But, when I start screaming over the idea of conquestial thinking, I know what I am screaming over. There is a difference, whether a woman would honestly admit their enjoyment at a sincerely honest time or even if she keeps it to herself, and the communist structure that some people want to come with it. The fallacy and terrible assumptions that come with it is what the bigger rape is sometimes. It is the dominance that people sometimes want to express over a time of screwing. It is the way someone wants to give it meaning or there own story made. Further than that, is the difference between the lines of gossip and rumors AND WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE DECIDES TO TAKE IT INTO THEIR OWN AUTHORITATIVE HANDS TO ACT LIKE THEY HAVE THE FUCK OWNED. Sometimes, it could be the direct partner who takes it too far, or "a bigger dog," that thinks it is ok to own a moment of someone having sex. That is my problem. What people sometimes make of a fuck. I could almost relate it to a death panel. I hate the way people get all socialist about it and especially when my life is the one to be put on the line. It is also the consequences if I choose not to put out or threaten someone back who doesn't take no for an answer. You understand the green eggs and ham concept. It does remind me of Josh a little and what having sex was to him: Since I am putting out, it is ok for him to make of me whatever he wants. My entire life is at risk just because I would sexually give into him. In another way, it is subjective because it is in a man's will to choose the timing of: when will she be easy or hard? Differences of timing between being easy or hard. I really do hate the thought of Edward resenting me for being easy, but come on Edward, how could you deny how irresistible you were that night? I hate the other shallowness that would take that too far to say I would love being overtaken by anyone. If I should feel threatened by the way I've judged Jon or other people for my own self-defense I won't. Sometimes, I don't even elaborate on the judgement and give a yes or no. Sometimes, I hate the taker situation that it turns into in a way someone wants me to be the conquest. I know I confidently refuse to give someone satisfaction at the games they play. Sometimes people just don't get just how structured they are and the way they make a sexual slave labor situation out of it. They just don't get it. They don't get their sense of subjectivity or their wrongfulness in their "right to know" about someone's personal sex life or drama life at all. The joke they are to think they have a person owned like that. What I really am trying to say sometimes, I know I can be confusing when I scream rape, because not everyone defines rape the same way. Some people are violently subjective and violently believe they should be the shot caller of the situation. No matter who calls the shots or makes whatever crackhead assumptions they do; I will always know how I feel. Whether or not I ever have a voice, I will always know how I feel and think about something. I know when it is better to not say a word about anything to anyone because I know the structure or impossible violent pig they are. I am Too confident to be killed. I understand the lonely person I sometimes have no other choice to be.

Someone's Gold Chains

Trust my gut...... Tom whether or not you are the one who is putting some gold chains to tug and pull me back to you is something only you know. Maybe you have friends who work with you, or maybe I have enemies who intentionally want to lie to me....... I see how I am center of attention now in several different ways. Maybe in a different goodness of heart, you want to be a safety net in some instances, and will tell me at a later time the liar you are for different motives. I hate the way there are some more pressures with the people it turns out I really have offended or done some damage to.(I can't help but enjoy some of the satisfaction of it)shhhhhh.......Not going to say a whole lot for right now. What is really going on in my mind right now? I have a little bit of a cry. Not just crying over yesterday but crying over the efforts you make in not wanting to give up on me....... Maybe you have just been only testing me. But it is still degrading and hateful to me to test and question my associations with people. I will always have a gut hate for Bree Ann. She will always be on my bad side. While you want to show good signs; yesterday was a pretty bad sign. Maybe the next gut I should go with is maybe you are doing it out of revenge because of jealousy. Maybe I am seriously your "Roxanne," where you don't want me to put on red lights. (I know I haven't sold myself yet) I hate to say it even for myself: I was going with my gut when I was being a Roxanne. How dare I not roll over and die. It was the shares you had with other people and associations you have. It came from comments from your own mouth. Maybe it hurts me, but I'm not going to roll over and die or let it keep me from being the wild person I can be. I will turn off the red lights for now. If I go out, I'll still probably look nice, and I won't go home with anyone else for awhile until my Roxy needs to or knows to. Or maybe I'll never have a reason to be Roxy. Whether or not you are with me, some of your off and on games do make me feel lonely. While there is a lot of talk; it doesn't seem like we're official. I want to be around you more.

Farmers wish Granted

Hey Farmer Man! I don't know if someone happened to send you an Aldo catalog (my fav shoe company) but boy did they really dress you up. I'd love to show you. Punk shoes and all. ahah! Farmer wants me to give to him. Well, if in literal terms, I can only afford my own shoes. (The ones I got in the mail had a higher heel than I expected). Besides the dramatic fashion, I still feel sexy in them and can't wait to wear them. I'm wearing the other black shoes I got for the weekend. I don't know if you like to play fashion games but it is fun playing one with you. Blocked roads because of cost? Not sure where this is going. If you are looking at me as if I am seriously looking at you with hooker eyes, you are and are not getting me. I have not signed any contracts with any pimps. I never gave you a price to start with, and really haven't been working on a structure with prices and all the details. Besides all the talk, rumors, and lies; I'm not a real prostitute. I am a virgin to it and wouldn't know how to be one if I tried. I do have a thing against judgmental people and I am a dangerous person to cast judgment on. I could purposefully BS how you present yourself and make you look like a cheap deadbeat because he wants me to buy him shoes and accessories to go with me. But, I'm not seriously looking at you like that right now, because on my clock, we are still at an introduction. Although we are already off to a violent start; I'd rather not keep it violent. If Farmer wants me to GIVE than how about dropping all your weapons and let me just give to you. Do you want me to give you the night? Do you want a relationship? Or do you want a specific type of ongoing relationship? Do you just want to meet and get to know each other? If Farmer wants me to give the night, it is as easy as ABC. I bet you're one of my stalkers and know where to find me. If you really don't stalk me like that, then you will have to at least ask or find my cell phone number so I can tell you where I am at whatever time. It is as easy as just meeting me. I am hot and turned on for you but I'm not going to let you purposely ruin some of my time because you want to make it some kind of stood up or dumped scene. I'm going to dance or party the night away and create my own good time on my own like I always do. I sure wouldn't mind the company.

Blog to Joel

Joel, I could really elaborate on the thousands of different ways people have been too corrupt in my life..... I also want to say, I don't consider myself an egocentric person. I can tell when I am and am not being talked to by some people. I respect the fact that you are talking to an audience and not just one individual. Of course, I would always come in your door or leave an open door for you to have an individual conversation with...... Whether or not I should be paranoid with some of your quotes is just something I am going to have my own free-willed response to. Would you like some tea and crumpets Joel? lol. There is another way I could really let myself go now, but I will try to repress myself as much as I can for you.... Todays quote of yours: "Don't let what people say bother you. If your friends are critics and faultfinders, find some new friends." ......is not on the same page as mine. It is not the tip of my iceburg. If you were to be looking in my direction to say that, you are minimizing and looking at my serious problems in a very terrible extent. Very watered down terrible not even close enough truth.... I appreciated the other quote better when you said "Your darkest hour can become your brightest hour. Start declaring freedom from anything that’s holding you back." I have had too many dark hours....... Besides the fact that bad things can happen to anyone, is a different overall outlook on life that I personally have. To ask or expect me to be humble or have humility is an impossible expectation. I know I am too well-grounded, sound, too qualified, and too good in a lot of ways to be forced to be at the mercy or subjected to the dominant judgmental rapist delegation that has been in my life. This is my 3rd or 4th time to be on unemployment and having a period of unemployment. The totalitarianism in my life wants me to feel so ruined with the work history it wants to give me. Of course the totalitarianism has the same back to back mindset of: It is not me, it is you.......... While I know I still have faith Joel, it has been very terrifying to know the type of people who believe they are my superior and keep working to ruin me for their sake and make my life miserable in the worst ways. I need to be rescued. I need a miracle. I need a real tangible act of something to change my world......... I guess what I could be saying in the simplest of terms, if you are looking my direction in certain ways that are not on my page, I naturally lose my respect and trust for you. I'm not out to live to be ignored and underestimated. My problems will not be minimized. It is safer for you to cheer and inspire than to take control of my problems in a terrible way.......... If some of my hunches are correct and there is a sexual war going on behind walls, yes you would definitely be more of a turn on and motivation than other types of men. I am not one who likes to throw myself on a man. If you were not married, (well, if there wasn't a pressure of me hurting your integrity by having an affair or something other) I would be thrilled if you were to throw yourself on me. (Some women have taken it in the worst way that I make the choice to die for them by not being a home wrecker. I don't do it for their sake.) When I am forced to lose to someone's over assumptive and overpowering and pigeon-holing structure, I do have to say something like that. I love you Joel, God bless you.

Door opened.

Chris, In a serious-toned voice way, did I really hurt you? Is there something you want to make personal and personally say? I want you to do most of the talking..... I did see some signs the other day. While it looks like Tom could have smacked you or another Chris for looking at me the wrong way, Tom looks at me the wrong way too. You're both guilty of looking at me the wrong way in sexually offensive ways. I have an idea of how "As the World Turns" could be going. I will wait a little more to see or hear anymore signs from you. I want you to talk to me.

whew

21 hour speech? I get the gist of your share with Michael....... I already said I want a Mr. Goodbar. Although it seems he wants to be on my side, he hasn't fixed the way he has been on my bad side....... Your share really is rooting for the bigger fight; a fight that should matter and does matter. There is an overall bigger point..... While all words are not clear of how everything sums up with what the words are getting at and mean at the end; there is still not a completely bridged trust.......I think you're going to make me cry again Tom, but you havn't confirmed it yet. I'm guessing the money is still on me, or you have a thing for Gwyneth. If it is Michael who is still wanting to chase me, it seems the money could be on me, or possibly someone else........ I hate what real terror and fear I feel cursed to with either of you. While this share does make effort of wanting to be on my side and make more obvious effort for me and a willingness to be loyal, another fear is that we could still be in the same maddening repetitive story. The story could be different because I may be getting lied to, and what is life when you live a lie? Fear, fear, fear. The trust hasn't been completely bridged. I really appreciated the acknowledgement with Green Eggs and Ham and the ways, whens, and even clear as water ways to take NO for an answer. I hate the way the competitive aftermath is always the same with domination games with who is saying no to who and what it is that no is being said about. The vulnerability factor is still there when it comes to taking "no," for an answer and who the real liars are. The cuteness of Green Eggs and Ham had some beauty to it, but sometimes when you want to get the message across of taking "no" for an answer, you seriously can't always be cute about it. I understand the yada yada of some professionalism and the national audience crowd it is, but I'm sure you would understand the sophistication of different audiences or even individuals. I'm staying around for now...............

Just going with it

Tom, I'm not liking your socialism. If you are lying at face value with how much you think he is your best friend; I am just not like that. You looked pretty angry when you said what you thought of him, but maybe your face value is being seriously friendly. What a spot to put me in Tom. Whether or not you are his friend, or lying. It isn't cool for him to express dominance over me the way he is. No, he doesn't own me. Right now, the job that I have is only that. I have written some blogs about what I think of socialism too. I'll just sum it up; I am everything against socialism. His own violent chauvinism and sexual discrimation (Through other networks too) is his own doing. It isn't that I'm intentionally bringing my own personal politics to work where I am the original problem. He brings the problem on his self and I don't care about his "respected thought" on whatever he thinks of me. I'm not his inferior with his socialism (and in a list of other ways where I also know I am making the choice to refuse to be tested by his grubbiness). I am there to do what my literal job is. It is so offensive to me with THE WAY YOU are subjecting me to his decision-making. Maybe you're too dense to notice or maybe that is your rape and you aren't any different from him. However things fall in to place, you better know that I will never feel inferior to what he thinks or "his infinite wisdom," thinks. I hate you Tom.

Yes Foreign Stranger

I will call you a stranger no matter how well you think we know each other. I will repeat some things I've already said. Other people I will say something only once or at my own discernment of the business hustle bustle distractions of life. I have some mercy in knowing not all people have everything memorized with everyone. I don't expect some people to have an endless memory capacity. Some things should just be known to begin with. I know I've been lied about and buried alive. I don't care how right Tabitha or her arbitrage thinks she is. The "Don't listen to a word I say, the screams all sound the same..." song applies to her too. Along with every other sadistic bitch who has expressed dominance; I refuse to be subjected to them against all odds. I can't take it anymore Rahm. Put me out of my misery. Just shoot me for the real hate you have and the real pain I've had to suffer and endure through. I will never be subjected. It should have been such a given all along. Not just with me, but with everyone to not believe in subjectivity being ok. Yes, it is a piece of cake to trash Tabitha's and Kim's "Lordship" "Queenship" I trash their sense of supremacy to no end. I can tell you have a problem with my refusal to be subjected. I'm sorry you can't cope and I have to either be embarassing to you or such a limelight of a serious and impossible threat against you. It does have to be this way. I'm sure you already know the way I did the math with "Rahm can dance if he wants to." Of course I don't live to threaten anyone's liberty. The fact of the matter; I understand how it was said and have an idea of what your expectations still are of me in the aftermath. If a man is going to be a pig or a male whore, I wish they really would lose their entire slave laboring approach where it is ok to treat any women with any sexual relation that she is damned to his subjective and sexually objective abuse til the end. Just because I had the desire to be such a sexual pleaser, doesn't mean I've filled out any contract to say I'm sold out for you and you have my permission to subject me to whatever your wishes are. There was an extent from my willingness to please you. No, I will not have any shares with Tabitha or her arbitrage, even if I'm seen as being a "winner." There are no shared wins with shares. Depending on whatever win I could have, it will only be an individual win. I hate the sick ways Denny has been sadistic in wanting me to conform to "we are all one." I think it is disgusting if you've had any sexual relations with Denny. If not, I hate you for not shooting Denny and his arbitrage yet, knowing how harassed I've been from him. A list of men including yourself have never won from the start; don't keep acting like you won. Again, I would rather be dead than keep putting up with being buried alive under lies. I guess I am just waiting to die. Rahm, I see you as being impossible in a number of ways and I don't completely understand your outlook or what it is you really want from me.

Random Thoughts

I think I'll start with "As the Sarah Turns,"....... There is and isn't a lot going on. I feel most comfortable in dreaming and wishing about an ideal or dream man like Mr. Goodbar or Superman. I know Superman is far out there and is not anywhere near being ideal, but sometimes a nice fantasy works..... Luke, I've had him in my head a little. We really don't have much of a story. There isn't a lot I could talk about Luke because we really havn't spent much personal time together. I have some guesses at the ways he could be being portrayed or talked about, but I feel there is a gap with Luke. Yet, I have some spouts of passion. I also see myself as having potential spouts of warmth. I think there was a time he was on my bad side, but he is just the type when I think of him, Luke does no wrong.
Michael. I'm not going to say his last name. Mike is such a common name that in the matrix, I can't help but wonder about the extent of the names sometimes. I do question if he is suicidal in anyway. I don't necessarily want him to feel that way. Although he is on my bad side, he isn't on my bad side enough for me to wish something like that on him. I really wouldn't want him to push himself further into being on my bad side. I feel occassionally reminded of him and think of him a little, but I consider myself an unmoved person. As awful as it is if he really is suicidal; I won't be manipulated into him. I have a good idea of how he was on my bad side before I even knew him and there is nothing he could do to change the way he saw me during whatever the 1 or 2 years was. I don't care about loyalty debates. It matters whose side he is on and the fact that he sees me as being inferior in his point of view. There is a better way I would want to word inferior, like, "at fault," "the problem is mine," "I am responsible for the way I was being judged and I should have tried harder at working to impress the number of tyrants that were demanding to make some sort of indentured servant out of me." The truth is I do feel like an indentured servant to this day; The additional truth is I know it was never my choice. I hate the sickism and neverending desperate battle that has always followed with "I was always willing." It just didn't come from Denny. There were other rapists who have been wanting to rob my truth. I'm not wanting Michael to be anymore suicidal whatsoever. If he seriously does want me to stay around or be in his life, I do expect him to have some kind of emotional awareness and sensitivity. He needs to understand what his decision-making is to me and whoever he sides with is to me. Maybe it is the divorce he is going through where I just don't know the details. This conversation really is thinking out loud because some things I just can't keep in. This conversation is not my motivation to have my own soap opera broadcast. I know my life is impossible and shouldn't have to explain any of my blogs.
There is some other drama going on. There are some things I keep to myself. I may eventually talk about other drama, but for now, I'm just trying to be taking it easy.
Besides "As the Sarah Turns," I am getting more excited about summer. I can tell this month is going to be super busy and hectic. I have two festivals this month and the first is this coming up Friday. I can't wait. I have been looking everywhere for canopies but there have been none on sale. If I have to wait; I just will. When rain happens at places, it isn't as busy anyway. I forgot there was Heritage Days this weekend. I'll have to take Mitzi out again tomorrow. We actually just came from the mall. I would love to take myself on a shopping spree, but that idea is just going to have to wait for awhile. ~toughing it out~ I have to get a swimsuit too. I already have a couple picked out and am just going to buy one at a time. I have to get myself one yet and Mitzi another one. It has been raining so much though. I might run a marathon this coming up week, but it depends on my work schedule and the weather. If everything works out all right, I'll go for it. There is another marathon I want to run again. I think last year the options were 2 mile, 5 or 10k. I could still run just 2 miles. It is optional. It isn't realistic enough yet to run the 10k. I could challenge the score from last year. I may not be the last person this time, but I'll still feel a little inadequate that I can't make it compared to the others. Doing the 2 mile would feel awkward too because it is going for lesser. I'll just have to think about it more. I loved the nice scenery with running through the mountains.

Random Thoughts

Where do I begin?..........
I'll start with the bullshit story on Arias. I'm assuming this is a certain local Travis. Is he seriously the one who is making a skeptical out of us with this far-fetched story? Where did this come from? He has been someone I've wondered about on other different random occassions, and, it actually upsets me a little that whatever he has done is being summed up as another "abusive boyfriend," where I am the supposed "killer." Yeah Travis, whatever. I don't know who was twisting you or putting your mind in a vice, but it seems like someone somewhere has possibly squeezed some kind of info out of you with what you think of me. You asshole.
Besides that, I'm seeing more sexual victimization in the media. It is probably because I won't let up on Jon, Kim, or any of Jon's other arbitrage bitches. And guess what? With all other hate and hell, I am still not letting up...........
Places, places, places................. I feel that despite the innocent person I am and some of the actual truths that have happened, some people want to torment me anyway to say I am "still some sort of badman, gross creep, cancerous gossip with how either stupid or perverted I am." This is just one reason I have always hated Jon so much. It probably is Jon's doing to lie and kill me more "for the sake of his queens". I am still waiting for Superman, and I am still waiting for real truths to be noticed. There should be less corruption in the world.
Other places, I don't know if I'm being introduced to another similar sexual victimization game that forces and pidgeonholes me to being labeled as straight or lesbian........nodding my head........
Busy busy busy. There is so much on my list and some things to wait out. For the time, it is such an anxious position because there is only so much time and only so much I can do with my time that has some effect on my present decisions for now.
In "As the Sarah Turns," it seems like something could be going on with some guys, but maybe there is nothing going on at all.

Random Thoughts of the Day

I could definitely use a lot of life boosts. Of course the term isn't in reference to drugs. It is also such a broad term; that getting what I really need isn't always easy to guess at. Sometimes guessing is easier than others. I could make a long list of ad lib words to fill in the answer to: If Superman would save me, this is what he would do...........
It gets depressing to think about it because I could make a long list of life boosts that I need. I just can't deny I am definitely vulnerable and needy.......
If there is something going on with Obama, this is definitely a high strung moment. I don't know who my Obama is. There could be someone out there giving emotional support and a voice, and if there were, I don't know who it would be. It does and doesn't resolve much because I still feel vulnerable and helpless over the situation...... It was nice of someone to be thoughtful..... but I don't have many words right now in this instance.......
I'm anxious over a lot of things. I am both excited and depressed over crafting. More plans to make but still can't do a lot about anything right now. I am still having a hard time dealing with how helpless I feel. Still searching for jobs but there is still more despair than hope in my life and the helplessness is killing me on the inside.
In my own creative imagination, I feel the most comforted and safe on my island.