Random Thoughts

I think I'll start with "As the Sarah Turns,"....... There is and isn't a lot going on. I feel most comfortable in dreaming and wishing about an ideal or dream man like Mr. Goodbar or Superman. I know Superman is far out there and is not anywhere near being ideal, but sometimes a nice fantasy works..... Luke, I've had him in my head a little. We really don't have much of a story. There isn't a lot I could talk about Luke because we really havn't spent much personal time together. I have some guesses at the ways he could be being portrayed or talked about, but I feel there is a gap with Luke. Yet, I have some spouts of passion. I also see myself as having potential spouts of warmth. I think there was a time he was on my bad side, but he is just the type when I think of him, Luke does no wrong.
Michael. I'm not going to say his last name. Mike is such a common name that in the matrix, I can't help but wonder about the extent of the names sometimes. I do question if he is suicidal in anyway. I don't necessarily want him to feel that way. Although he is on my bad side, he isn't on my bad side enough for me to wish something like that on him. I really wouldn't want him to push himself further into being on my bad side. I feel occassionally reminded of him and think of him a little, but I consider myself an unmoved person. As awful as it is if he really is suicidal; I won't be manipulated into him. I have a good idea of how he was on my bad side before I even knew him and there is nothing he could do to change the way he saw me during whatever the 1 or 2 years was. I don't care about loyalty debates. It matters whose side he is on and the fact that he sees me as being inferior in his point of view. There is a better way I would want to word inferior, like, "at fault," "the problem is mine," "I am responsible for the way I was being judged and I should have tried harder at working to impress the number of tyrants that were demanding to make some sort of indentured servant out of me." The truth is I do feel like an indentured servant to this day; The additional truth is I know it was never my choice. I hate the sickism and neverending desperate battle that has always followed with "I was always willing." It just didn't come from Denny. There were other rapists who have been wanting to rob my truth. I'm not wanting Michael to be anymore suicidal whatsoever. If he seriously does want me to stay around or be in his life, I do expect him to have some kind of emotional awareness and sensitivity. He needs to understand what his decision-making is to me and whoever he sides with is to me. Maybe it is the divorce he is going through where I just don't know the details. This conversation really is thinking out loud because some things I just can't keep in. This conversation is not my motivation to have my own soap opera broadcast. I know my life is impossible and shouldn't have to explain any of my blogs.
There is some other drama going on. There are some things I keep to myself. I may eventually talk about other drama, but for now, I'm just trying to be taking it easy.
Besides "As the Sarah Turns," I am getting more excited about summer. I can tell this month is going to be super busy and hectic. I have two festivals this month and the first is this coming up Friday. I can't wait. I have been looking everywhere for canopies but there have been none on sale. If I have to wait; I just will. When rain happens at places, it isn't as busy anyway. I forgot there was Heritage Days this weekend. I'll have to take Mitzi out again tomorrow. We actually just came from the mall. I would love to take myself on a shopping spree, but that idea is just going to have to wait for awhile. ~toughing it out~ I have to get a swimsuit too. I already have a couple picked out and am just going to buy one at a time. I have to get myself one yet and Mitzi another one. It has been raining so much though. I might run a marathon this coming up week, but it depends on my work schedule and the weather. If everything works out all right, I'll go for it. There is another marathon I want to run again. I think last year the options were 2 mile, 5 or 10k. I could still run just 2 miles. It is optional. It isn't realistic enough yet to run the 10k. I could challenge the score from last year. I may not be the last person this time, but I'll still feel a little inadequate that I can't make it compared to the others. Doing the 2 mile would feel awkward too because it is going for lesser. I'll just have to think about it more. I loved the nice scenery with running through the mountains.