Thoughts and Prayers

Since I have moved to Pittsburgh, there has been some crime. There were two homicide events that I know of prior to the recent shooting. I am so disheartened and sad for the Jewish community to have had to suffer a hate crime like that. That was devastating to hear of one man losing it in such a severe rage. I learned of this occurrence the day after it happened. I had went to my cousin's wedding and my grandmother had mentioned some kind of shooting but she didn't have any details. She made it sound like it was some street or school shooting, but it was bigger than she made it. 11 people and 4 officers. I can't get over it. I was surprised the guy was talked into some kind of surrender before being shot dead. I hear that Pittsburgh has held onto the death penalty. I'm sure that is what this guy is destined for. I know the support was instant for the Jewish community and I hope and am sure they know they are still loved people. I can only pray for comfort in their time of grieving and that god restores their lives and brings comfort, peace, hope, and love into their lives. … With the signs I see in Pittsburgh, most are "we are stronger than hate," and there is a lot of Pittsburgh pride. I'm glad Pittsburgh displays a sense of unity and strength in the way it does. It is like some places can feel over their head in crimes and corruption, but Pittsburgh doesn't have a desperation of "what have we come to and we need all the help we can get." I would expect any city to have a crime rate, but this is a hate crime that makes nationwide news and the President himself would come to visit. Some signs looked pretty irrelevant against Trump. He shows up as he should and he gets hated for showing his right support. I don't often go out of my way to stand up for him, but I just think people are being ridiculous, irrelevant, and too hard on Trump this time. Because he is the top representative of the government, people should feel the extra protection and support. Trump could have skipped it and it could have not been made a nationwide episode, but it was seriously noted. That is my personal opinion and 2 cents. ……….

Hi

Life is tough right now and you are a small part of the reason.... I hate Jon's nerve so much. I know he has been lurking on and off over the past couple of months and has had some stockholming presence. I'm upset about it. I'm upset with all I've ever been is stalked and stockholmed and the worst caged relationships has always been treated as normal or acceptable and they won't stop dodging the stalking and stockholming bullet. You won't either and I'm so upset about it. How do you expect me to feel saved or any safety from something when you will go and do the same paranormal thing? I don't know who keeps throwing me in a cage right now and I hear and feel occasional jealous gestures of "get back in the basement," but it is always a second world that will always have the butt end of degradation joke to be on me. I am a raped victim. I hate the way people think I should be to blame for the ways I get treated and this is why it always matters to me to just keep to myself and know that I know I have never compromised myself for anyone. I hate the violent stalking pest in someone so bad. I know I don't know where half of some arbitrage/Bollywood people come from but I remain livid over whoever keeps stalking me and wanting to be in control over my life. Right now with Jon Stewart, it looks like people are wanting to blame some women's jealousy against me over him, but both him and I know the things he has said and done and I will never want to care to be with him in this lifetime. I hate the way I feel threatened to be forced to be Jon's victim once again like he has a chance with me because other women's jealousy needs to be to blame. It hurts to keep throwing myself on you because you are no different than any other Bollywood and although you have some sense of protection to offer against Jon, you don't make me feel protected enough against Bollywood; against you being too dominate, in control, and not letting me in on you enough; against the constant threats and rights of other people's stalking, stockholms, and Bollywood like it should always be normal and acceptable. My heart won't stop breaking for the normalcy I should more than have in my life. Don't take too much advantage of your Stockholm and don't make me feel left for dead with Jon and all the other fat bastards that ignore me and refuse to leave me alone.

I'm not Done Screaming

I would guess that Blake Shelton would be Mike Sullivan. Mike and Sidney, once you already make me lose to your prejudice, judgement, gossip, and bias, you just do. I AM NOT BENEATH EITHER OF YOU. UNLESS YOU DO LOWER YOURSELF YOU ARE NOT A HELP OR ANYTHING TO OFFER, YOU ARE A PROBLEM. Mike, even if you let yourself feel obligated, you are a pig to obligate or a pig in disguise as if you have anything to offer other than your will to continue to make me a basement slave. Other than finding an entirely new man right now, the only other thing I could ask for or want is some kind of satisfaction against Sidney. I hope Sidney feels like the brutally vain criminal sex offender he is; and I hope Erin gets stockholmed, judged, and made to feel like a basement slave in the worst way. As long as you feel like you are more than worthy superiors, I am nothing but a lord of the flies screamer who thinks you are all nothing but a bunch of mindless sick savage pigs that I can only keep screaming to be rescued from. Fuck your rapist stockholming vanity for life.

I just want to keep myself thrown somewhere in the universe

I really don't want to be anymore straight forward about all of this.... I don't believe in karma amongst so many other things. I think Sidney probably has ripped on me in several different ways. The thing I'm not sure about him is the depths of his ignorances and evilnesses. While I think Luke has some evilness; I appreciate a recent connection he made with me. While Luke's matter is of great importance; I know which main matter is still at stake and I am personally tired and frustrated with it all. Size size size blah blah blah..... I really liked a lot of things with Jay and even if he was being a white knight of karma because someone was wanting to criticize and demean my size in an intentional mean way whether it be Sidney or Mike; I was bothered that he probably wanted to use himself as revenge. Jay is a very attractive guy in a lot of aspects, but it matters to me to be treated to a greater integrity DESPITE a time when I have messed up. I'm neither Muslim or Jew. The way I think with things being permanent are not similar but I cannot deny I have my own personal issues with forgiveness. I have always meant my lack of forgiveness to be personal with one person, yet there always seems to be an arbitrage that wants to keep the number and truth at matter the most terribly manipulated and distorted. Arbitrages can make such a suffocating ridiculous religion with sectors of people. I hate the intentional way tyrants suffocate or rig me in numbers. ..... While I know I have my own personal way of knowing I messed up some with Jay in a few different ways; I didn't like the threat or white knight he may have been wanting to be for me.... There is one main Jay I'm talking about, but I know there are two to three other guys tied in the arbitrage that have kept me quite confused. I think I've been failed by them all, so with both Sidney, Jay, and the other "Jays," I'm back to square one. I'm just not with anyone and am throwing myself back into the universe, the middle of the ocean, the ends of the earth. Maybe not in such a meaning despair kind of way but a Janet Jackson kind of way where I'm not necessarily making myself the most ready and available in a constant way. .... ~~poof~~

Random Thoughts

It has been a tough weekend. I might splurge a little here and there and won't regret the splurge I had today but it just doesn't seem to add up with my spend and save. I did a lot of ubering through the week and it seems like I should have more in my account than what I do. It's like I threw a lot of money out of the window but it just doesn't seem to add up. I ate out this week more than usual but even with me eating out, I should still have more money in my account.... Stressed thoughts. I actually worked with uber today and was previously mistaken that most places were closed. The uber was really ringing during the lunch shift today. I could have got more calls in if I wanted but it was a holiday that I made a more than rightful excuse for and let myself have my break anyway. I chose the cheesecake factory and tried another cheesecake that I haven't tried and it wasn't bad: white chocolate macadamia. With all of the extra toppings, it was just too sweet. I went to the casino and shouldn't have spent as much money but oh well. Because I didn't go out last night, it kind of made up for it. I ended up dozing off at my house and just went to bed. I even got my hike in today. I chose the more convenient of a closer trail but the view wasn't the greatest: mud and leafless trees. Once spring has sprung, I'm sure the view will be that much more lovely. I never got around to going to a movie, and I don't mind. There aren't a lot of movies that I know of that played. I also got some work done around the house and I love coming home to a nice fresh and clean house. Always some cleaning projects to do, but I got enough done to my satisfaction. Tomorrow is another day... And, I worked and had the satisfaction of work hard, play hard, and making some extra money anyway. I had my cake and ate it too. I don't know how I'd manage a full day with no work; it has been a long time since I've had absolutely nothing at all to do. A LONG TIME. I really wouldn't know what I'd do with myself; I'd be antsy and anxious. ..... Other than being upset with the way some relationships don't ever work out, I really would have liked to see a few of my guys in their performances: Jack White, Jared Leto, and Travis Pastrana. They will all be coming through Pittsburgh soon and I think it is all in June and the relationships are all too ruined. They have no fan support from me. Had the relationships worked out, you'd think they'd at least give me a VIP pass, but I'm treated as another nameless fan like everyone else. Not only have I never dated any of their bollywoods, I never even got a most basic special treatment that they could have more than afforded. Not even a VIP pass from any of them in times past or any other guys that I've made some connections with. No personal invites, no VIPs. It seriously is too late to be suggestive with any of that now. With Jack, I blame Rusty some, but Jack more. Jack was messing around with me in some ways, but then he was just way too vindictive over Rusty and I wasn't even the one to do anything. Jack should have never threatened me with David, and he really lost me over David because he just didn't realize. He also looked like he was hitting on Paris too in some of the arbitrage with that Asian wedding. Jared, I could give more thoughts on, but I'm not even going to flirt with any thoughts. I have a good feeling that it seriously is kill or be killed with him and I with what my most lethal thoughts on Stacy are. I believe that it is he and Stacy that are some kind of Bollywood item now and I'm not going to run from any lethal thing I said against her. I'm not too seriously heartbroken over Jared. Then there is Travis. Maybe he had some intentional planned revenge because of the way I threw myself on Jack the first time he chased me around. I don't know why Travis would lead me on to just be the same murderous gang banging dead end. I've been so sick of either the deafness or intentionally controlling nature of some men who think they can change the way I think or feel. I'm so sick of the way they think they have what it takes to be manipulative in one way or another. I have no idea why Travis threw himself on me like that again to begin with. ?! wtf?! The goatmen just get horny and deadweight me from time to time. I don't know; I just don't know. Still isn't fair to me at all. dumb idiots. I kind of have a new crush on Tyler from 21 pilots now but he is married. I wiki'd him. He really has a couple of good songs. Happy go lucky "taking my time on my ride," song he is an easy rocker to admire. yeah lets just go to California and have a pool party. ok. .............and now it is a little late and tomorrow is my first day on my new job.............. lights out.

Fembot protocol

I'm glad that I still have my internet. I haven't been able to pay my cable bill yet and my cable was actually supposed to have shut off by now. So, will keep taking advantage of being online when I can...............Can't get "Tyler," (Fight Club) out of my head..... I'm very hot and bothered because I have a more strong hunch he is with blondie and it really looked like he meant to give an obvious cheat and humiliation, so I'm pretty bothered with him still getting in my head and making me burn. While my guess could be wrong, and while he makes me believe in his violent possessiveness which he knows I can't help but get a little horny over in present times, I think I need to seek out a one night stand. Structure against structure. Personally, I don't think it is necessary to have to sleep with someone else every time I feel cheated on. It is a type of insecure move in its own right, but I've seen how people can be a little over assumptive and conquestial when I don't go out and cheat every time I get cheated on. Very inflammable egos...... I was never too stuck on him to begin with. My heart isn't breaking too hard. It breaks when this seems like another routine and he wants to force me into his game anyway. I really feel dumped for blondie, and I know I didn't like one stockholming corrective threat I noticed of hers either. MSN made me feel like they were the next gang bangers to walk right through. If it is just between him and I, I'm not as mad, but when I feel gang banged by him and blondie; it made it easier for me to get over him. I technically did have a slight cheat the other day with Sidney Crosby, but once again, it was all Bollywood. Sidney is just as Bollywood as Tyler, and I know I need a better threat of freedom than a Bollywood. Sidney really is something to brag on in some right (I still hate the overall game complex it is) but I'm still not on the best terms with Sidney. I think its so mean and wrong of "Tyler," to act as if nothing happened and that its ok to make me feel so gang banged and betrayed like that. He's in my mind in an intentional Bollywood way and in my own personal thought, but he needs to find a way to fight or beg for me and damn his conquestial threat with blondie, or I'm going to do whatever I can to try to lose him. He is doing something wrong.