I just want to keep myself thrown somewhere in the universe

I really don't want to be anymore straight forward about all of this.... I don't believe in karma amongst so many other things. I think Sidney probably has ripped on me in several different ways. The thing I'm not sure about him is the depths of his ignorances and evilnesses. While I think Luke has some evilness; I appreciate a recent connection he made with me. While Luke's matter is of great importance; I know which main matter is still at stake and I am personally tired and frustrated with it all. Size size size blah blah blah..... I really liked a lot of things with Jay and even if he was being a white knight of karma because someone was wanting to criticize and demean my size in an intentional mean way whether it be Sidney or Mike; I was bothered that he probably wanted to use himself as revenge. Jay is a very attractive guy in a lot of aspects, but it matters to me to be treated to a greater integrity DESPITE a time when I have messed up. I'm neither Muslim or Jew. The way I think with things being permanent are not similar but I cannot deny I have my own personal issues with forgiveness. I have always meant my lack of forgiveness to be personal with one person, yet there always seems to be an arbitrage that wants to keep the number and truth at matter the most terribly manipulated and distorted. Arbitrages can make such a suffocating ridiculous religion with sectors of people. I hate the intentional way tyrants suffocate or rig me in numbers. ..... While I know I have my own personal way of knowing I messed up some with Jay in a few different ways; I didn't like the threat or white knight he may have been wanting to be for me.... There is one main Jay I'm talking about, but I know there are two to three other guys tied in the arbitrage that have kept me quite confused. I think I've been failed by them all, so with both Sidney, Jay, and the other "Jays," I'm back to square one. I'm just not with anyone and am throwing myself back into the universe, the middle of the ocean, the ends of the earth. Maybe not in such a meaning despair kind of way but a Janet Jackson kind of way where I'm not necessarily making myself the most ready and available in a constant way. .... ~~poof~~