Gotta Keep Hauling It

I'm stressed as usual. Babygirl starts her first day of kindergarten tomorrow. A big day in her life. PreK kind of counted for something but Kindergarten is more official I suppose. She will be in an entire new school district and I'm sure she will make plenty of friends. Most things are working out. I have times of being extremely tight on money but I will make it through. I mostly have babysitting taken care of; it just gets complicated during the times I work all day. I'm going to have no other choice than to work some late shifts on the weekdays soon. Probably just once a week than varying on weekends. I have had zero time for anything. Crafting has been on my mind a lot lately and I am set back on it this year. Anytime the fall season comes around; my mind has been on crafting for the past couple of years and how much I've loved the planning and mild thrills of the festivals I do. I already had to skip two summer festivals. So far, I've only had 2 fall festivals signed up and planned for where I still hope I will make it. I havn't had the time to craft as much as I usually do. I still have a lot of inventory from past years, but not as much new or experimentally freshly new designed ideas items this year. I feel like I'm missing out big time because I just can't keep up with everything going on. I'm temporarily underwater in the craft world this year, but I'm hoping I'll have a good list of craft shows I can keep up with next year. I've been thinking that I've liked crafting so much, that I should make more of a serious partial income and living out of it. I should be having more shows on a year-round basis. Making sales aren't always guaranteed, but it is about finding the right place and just having found places that I know will work. I won't have the time to continue on with the exploration this year and will hate the feeling of missing out on crafting because I'm just too busy. It has seriously been another reason for me to be anxious. I still don't have my apartment entirely taken care of yet, but I know it will happen in time. I just need to force myself to get tighter in my budgeting. Sometimes small splurges are their own relief. oh well.............. The man drama has been rough lately. I can't stand to feel forced into a deeper depression because of how many relationships fail and just how much they fail. I am a severely cursed woman who just can't find a right and reasonable man that I can deal with. However some men come along to just tear me apart more and terrorize me; I know I have such a mean and hateful totalitarian who hates me more than words can describe with how failed of a woman I am. I'm still betting a lot of it is Jon's sick hate. While yesterday's arbitrage could have been on someone else; Mike was being very seen with Erin. I know violence begets violence with some people and with the way I've been screaming at him, I could only somewhat expect to be let down. But that's my point: he does not fight for me. He gives himself an unfair and mean right anyway where Erin still should feel sexually cheated on in a way, but I'm still the same victim. He just wasn't going to be sensitive in many ways especially when it comes to making me feel like a basement slave. He overlooks me and thinks it is a cake walk for him to be any kind of leader and another fucked up man when it comes to having a leadership obsession compared to understanding what it means to be in any kind of relationship with anyone. Who does Mike Sullivan think he is to play the shady games he plays with me? While I honestly wasn't thinking too much of Shawn Shaffer, something could have upset him where he was being the oversensitive one with Tommy Lee, but he lost me a long time ago over several reasons and one being the same reason for keeping me cheated on, judged, and betrayed with Erin. Batter the confidence to their dominance out of them all; the senseless barbarians. I don't know how much Mike will keep killing me with the way he intrudes on me and breaks in my head or intrudes on me on the outside in betrayal with others. I hate the way I can't control the way he forces himself on me both ways and there is nothing I can do about it. He's a control freak who has me so seriously and unfairly played. He brought it on himself with the way I was screaming at him earlier. I will survive and have to survive and right now his is far more of a liability than an asset to my survival. I may eventually have him hated off of me entirely