I did end up spending too much money at Wal-Mart yesterday. I usually do. As frugal as I try to be; I still end up paying for more than what I had wanted to pay. Again, I'll live. I'll have to be satisfied with what I can afford to be satisfied with.
One funny pressure is a simple purchase of a bra. OMG a bra. A Wal-Mart bra. There were 2 really cute bras to choose from. I should put this bra on layaway just in case it isn't there during my next paycheck. It was a rockstar bra. The matching panties were just too cheesy, but the bra was cute enough to want to buy. Instead, of always rolling with my soul and even buying symbolic things to expose my personality in my own way; I went for a more sexy bra. I've had bras like this one before. It is one of the most comfy kind of bras, but not only is it comfy, it is a sexy push up. I know, it is a little silly to talk about something so much when I've already been insulted for my small breast size, but oh well. I still have some confidence in my body to want to feel sexy for myself at times.
I have looked through Billboard's newest list of music. I am actually quite surprised at the winners. Most albums look either indie, or country/blue grass. There are a few rappers that have been heard of. I guess with MTV and VH1 and other awards shows, it usually is more pop music and the music that is played on a regular and eventually burned out basis. I'm not familiar with all artists and I havn't heard a lot of songs. Because, I like music so much, it is kind of feeling overwhelmed by a large library sometimes. It looks like someone has definitely connected me to Kanye. I'm confused with how someone somehow orchestrated and connected my life into his persona, but they at least made his album blurry to have some honesty with how I am somehow connected to him. I really do like some of his music, but I'm mad to be pushed into someone's pigeon-holed drama and labeling. It looks like a fight that someone has picked and been very acknowledged but still remains very grey to me.
I've already stated last night and will state again: I still consider myself a free woman. Being aware of a lot of things and a lot of stress that people put on me, that I personally think should have no say in my life whatsoever, I will have to work harder just to show people how free I am.
Someone can send me any babbling and critical judge judy my way to throw all the mallets she wants at me:
Being aware in my own world that some men may have tricks up their sleeves
I would rather be humiliated by a man's tricks and even Stephen King Carrie labels than be any judge judy's bitch. As torturing as it can be; sometimes even torturing for some audiences who really want me to find love and for me to master games and tricks, I would seriously choose any day to live freely and independently no matter what expense I would have to suffer.
As much as I love this song, even in some of my rejections, I would rather sing this to myself alone than spend any time arguing with any Judge Judy over how to be in relationships:
There need to be a number of people that really need to accept that I will always push and choose my freedom and my free will.
With the actual present guy I am seeing; I usually play it by ear. With the guys who have came my way in the past and guys who come my way in the future; that is how it has been and how it will be. Anyway, with the present guy, I have unfortunately lost his number and someone erased all messages on the answering machine. Nothing has officially been decided yet, and I still continue to say I am simply living and waiting things out despite some pressure that other people put on me.
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