More thoughts

I thought I would feel like I had more time in the day with my new work schedule. I have been waking up later because I have been falling asleep later. I really hate my sleep disorder. Even after trying to take some sleeping pills, it is still difficult for me to find rest.

Even though I keep myself first, I can't help but feeling embarassed for myself when I sometimes freak out when I feel my life is in seriously threatening danger. There are a lot of moments that I feel this way. I hate to be real about it, because I know some people can cancerously give themselves the credit and get big headed over it. I'm going to be vague though about when I feel threatened.

Some work experiences continue to be mysterious and wierd. I try to figure out what I can though while I can. It bothers me with some intimidation attempts, but I am collecting some clues to a picture that I can't completely see. I don't know if I will remember everything, but I get some dropped hints sometimes.

I feel exhausted with a lot of things. I wish I had more time to do some things, but I feel I should remain comfortable and content with feeling lower paced for now.

Guy drama will not be mentioned right now.

Since it is the holiday time of the year, I feel the need to share some kind of heart.
Late last night I posted my two favorite and admired powerful songs of the year. I've already written 2 blogs on Jared Leto's Hurricane. But, during the times that I do not have such a warring mind; this song makes me want to cry:



I'm really an idealist more than anything with this song. Brief reminder of my foundation: I like to be in balance with a lot of things. As much as I adore this song, I think too much of anything, in this instance, can be sickingly sweet cheesy. But, I really do love some happy moments. I love having shared smiles and shared peacefulness.
I will acknowledge that I've had some tree moments with my biological family. We are not on good terms right now, but I really want them to know that I have remembered that we really have had some good happy family times together in the past. I want them to know that I have positive memories of them.
However, in my own tree like sense, I am staying rooted to my foundation and remain on bad terms with my family.
But, this song can be stretched and flexible with other people. I love the family sense and spirit of this song. I understand the complexities and conflicts families can have by keeping this song. Some people really live to be true to themselves. Sometimes, when someone has their mind set strongly on something, it can be conflicting with other family members. Not all family members want their kin to live happy and enjoy life. This is the reason why I need to be separated from mine. A family should want the best for their kids. Mine will never understand what the best means for me; they will always be trying to control me to be what they want me to be. I think they are sadists more than having an honest heart to one of the lyrical lines: "we like to watch you laughing."
Even though I get mad that I feel I get robbed of my kidneys (anger) because of tricks, cattiness, games, and mystery. I'm not going to be a karma gamer and rob someone else of their kidneys (anger). I will always make it difficult for a person to have an honest ability to say: "I can't be myself around you." And because of ignorance, it usually turns into a very controlling game with rules and regulations and accomplishments in order to be oneself. People can be so manipulative and dicatating at times. It is another reason that I keep myself guarded often. It is another reason I keep insisting that my family needs to be separate of each other.

But I love this song, there are some people I have an honest heart for in this song. Some people may not be constantly in my life. Some people really do have their own personal issues where there can't always be a happy peace, and I really would rather people be themselves than pretend to be happy about something that they aren't happy with. I can respect differences.
But sometimes, this song really wants to make me cry when I think about adored and cherished moments in life.