Random thoughts

Not a whole lot has happened today.
I got out of the house and used one of my gift cards to get some clothes. The other gift card, I will have to wait another day to use. Anyway, it was nice to get out of the house.
I feel pretty accomplished for the most part today. Even though I have lost a lot of weight throughout this year, I still have an issue with some cellulite aka cottage cheese on the back of my legs. But, my weight has never been this light. I don't know if I was this skinny in high school. I know its stress. I keep up with regular workouts and eating habits, and maybe through time, it has progressively made me this weight. But, my biggest assumption is stress that has caused me to lose so much weight.
I still get threatened. I still don't understand why some people think "I deserve" to die. Some places, I don't think the threats are serious. Other times, it seems madheaded insane serious to think I deserve to die. Screw anyone who thinks that.
Speaking of people who threaten others, one of my past teachers, Liz, I think is still stalking me. To be fair, she is no different than a list of other people who tell me what to do. And, to be fair again in negativity, she is not the only one who has failed to acknowledge me for the person I am. She is another cookie-cutting belittler that thinks I am an easy kill. She fails to see my still present gap of disregard, disrespect, and that I simply don't want her in my life. She is a mental rapist for the fact that she has no acknowledgement and continues to babble on in her own "delegation." I think she feeds off my fear sometimes and gets vain and she thinks it is directed at her. So sick of her arrogance.
And just because I make choices in my life; it doesn't mean those choices are made for her will or in me being revolved around her. I hate it when people take credit when they really aren't a matter or relevant to my life.

Anyway, moving on, I watched a random article today about Russia. It is to my discovery that Russia used to own Alaska. The U.S. eventually did purchase the land from the U.S. But, in seeing so many different connections, it is something new to learn that Russian culture is heavily involved in the Alaskan land. It makes sense with other things, but sometimes, I learn more about some connections. It could be strictly educational, or maybe there is some extremely late relation that is being made toward the end of the film concerning the idea of land.
I've been angry even in times of childhood concerning some acts of possession. Maybe there is a further understanding that needs to be described in terms of land. Of course people are not literally land. But, there are some analogies that could be understood when relating land and people. There have been plenty of fueds where I have had to continuously stand my ground and even go Leslie Gore with "You don't Own Me." I think some sadistic males already know my pain and want to immaturaly taunt me more with some objectifications and relations. But even outside of immaturity I have serious lines and boundaries, that when crossed, I really need a good explanation. I have felt for such a long time that there are so many inhumane and sick people in this world. I cannot be shot down when people defensively want to call me a "demonizer," "or its me who is now being "judge judy." Seriously, I have boundaries that are of no argument at all. No matter who degrades me and hates on me with the most sickening degrees, I will never deny myself of any human rights. I know this is going to attract more codependent seagulls and even find it "provoking," for me to simply say "I deserve to have human rights." The thought of the bickering disgusts me and it is nothing but an ignored waste of time for them no matter how wrongfully a person may try to torture me.

Anyway, sometimes, in my own creative way, I use land as an analogy to describe what someone else's attempted possession feels like.








It is the sense of entitlement that some people have. It is the bullshit excuses that people make to feel that they are "entitled."
No.No.No.
I've been through so much, I really do feel like I have a lot of things mastered. It sometimes leads me to teach other things to show people that there is so much more to life and so much more out of the small box that they think in.
I am not a slave.
I will always be a bitch when I am treated as a slave: when there is unreasonable demands and broken boundaries. I can be spontaneous when I want, I can be cooperative when I want. Still after all of this time, one sign has consistently remained the same:





wikipedia.org
1st Protects the freedom of religion, speech, and the press, as well as the right to assemble and petition the government September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
2nd Protects the right to keep and bear arms September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
3rd Prohibits the forced quartering of soldiers September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
4th Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures and sets out requirements for search warrants based on probable cause September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
5th Sets out rules for indictment by grand jury and eminent domain, protects the right to due process, and prohibits self-incrimination and double jeopardy September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
6th Protects the right to a fair and speedy public trial by jury, including the rights to be notified of the accusations, to confront the accuser, to obtain witnesses and to retain counsel September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
7th Provides for the right to trial by jury in certain civil cases, according to common law September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
8th Prohibits excessive fines and excessive bail, as well as cruel and unusual punishment September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
9th Asserts the existence of unenumerated rights retained by the people September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
10th Limits the powers of the federal government to those delegated to it by the Constitution September 25, 1789 December 15, 1791 Full text
11th Immunity of states from suits from out-of-state citizens and foreigners not living within the state borders. Lays the foundation for sovereign immunity March 4, 1794 February 7, 1795 Full text
12th Revises presidential election procedures December 9, 1803 June 15, 1804 Full text
13th Abolishes slavery and involuntary servitude, except as punishment for a crime January 31, 1865 December 6, 1865 Full text
14th Defines citizenship and deals with post–Civil War issues June 13, 1866 July 9, 1868 Full text
15th Prohibits the denial of suffrage based on race, color, or previous condition of servitude February 26, 1869 February 3, 1870 Full text
16th Allows the federal government to collect income tax July 12, 1909 February 3, 1913 Full text
17th Requires senators to be directly elected May 13, 1912 April 8, 1913 Full text
18th Establishes Prohibition of alcohol (Repealed by Twenty-first Amendment) December 18, 1917 January 16, 1919 Full text
19th Establishes women's suffrage June 4, 1919 August 18, 1920 Full text
20th Fixes the dates of term commencements for Congress (January 3) and the President (January 20); known as the "lame duck amendment" March 2, 1932 January 23, 1933 Full text
21st Repeals the Eighteenth Amendment February 20, 1933 December 5, 1933 Full text
22nd Limits the president to two terms, or a maximum of 10 years (i.e., if a Vice President serves not more than one half of a President's term, he can be elected to a further two terms) March 24, 1947 February 27, 1951 Full text
23rd Provides for representation of Washington, D.C. in the Electoral College June 16, 1960 March 29, 1961 Full text
24th Prohibits the revocation of voting rights due to the non-payment of poll taxes September 14, 1962 January 23, 1964 Full text
25th Codifies the Tyler Precedent; defines the process of presidential succession July 6, 1965 February 10, 1967 Full text
26th Establishes 18 as the national voting age March 23, 1971 July 1, 1971 Full text
27th Prevents laws affecting Congressional salary from taking effect until the beginning of the next session of Congress September 25, 1789 May 7, 1992 Full text

So sad

Just a simple phone call.
That is all I needed from him.
Now, is the time I am convinced that he just doesn't care enough.
Sometimes, I don't mind being aggressive. Now, BECAUSE I HAVE SAID FROM THE START THAT MOST OFTEN IT REALLY DOES DEPEND.......... that I have to step back and move on.

I feel inappropriate and awkward if I were to continue the pursuit.
I do care. But, I am a give and take kind of person. I do need to feel a sincere mutualness in return. Right now, I officially feel not cared about enough.

I take it like a champ like I usually do
It is a fling. I know the song sounds really gut-wrenching serious. It is serious to a significant extent.



And I continue on in my usual cycle still dreaming of a good future and meeting whatever man may come my way

More thoughts

I thought I would feel like I had more time in the day with my new work schedule. I have been waking up later because I have been falling asleep later. I really hate my sleep disorder. Even after trying to take some sleeping pills, it is still difficult for me to find rest.

Even though I keep myself first, I can't help but feeling embarassed for myself when I sometimes freak out when I feel my life is in seriously threatening danger. There are a lot of moments that I feel this way. I hate to be real about it, because I know some people can cancerously give themselves the credit and get big headed over it. I'm going to be vague though about when I feel threatened.

Some work experiences continue to be mysterious and wierd. I try to figure out what I can though while I can. It bothers me with some intimidation attempts, but I am collecting some clues to a picture that I can't completely see. I don't know if I will remember everything, but I get some dropped hints sometimes.

I feel exhausted with a lot of things. I wish I had more time to do some things, but I feel I should remain comfortable and content with feeling lower paced for now.

Guy drama will not be mentioned right now.

Since it is the holiday time of the year, I feel the need to share some kind of heart.
Late last night I posted my two favorite and admired powerful songs of the year. I've already written 2 blogs on Jared Leto's Hurricane. But, during the times that I do not have such a warring mind; this song makes me want to cry:



I'm really an idealist more than anything with this song. Brief reminder of my foundation: I like to be in balance with a lot of things. As much as I adore this song, I think too much of anything, in this instance, can be sickingly sweet cheesy. But, I really do love some happy moments. I love having shared smiles and shared peacefulness.
I will acknowledge that I've had some tree moments with my biological family. We are not on good terms right now, but I really want them to know that I have remembered that we really have had some good happy family times together in the past. I want them to know that I have positive memories of them.
However, in my own tree like sense, I am staying rooted to my foundation and remain on bad terms with my family.
But, this song can be stretched and flexible with other people. I love the family sense and spirit of this song. I understand the complexities and conflicts families can have by keeping this song. Some people really live to be true to themselves. Sometimes, when someone has their mind set strongly on something, it can be conflicting with other family members. Not all family members want their kin to live happy and enjoy life. This is the reason why I need to be separated from mine. A family should want the best for their kids. Mine will never understand what the best means for me; they will always be trying to control me to be what they want me to be. I think they are sadists more than having an honest heart to one of the lyrical lines: "we like to watch you laughing."
Even though I get mad that I feel I get robbed of my kidneys (anger) because of tricks, cattiness, games, and mystery. I'm not going to be a karma gamer and rob someone else of their kidneys (anger). I will always make it difficult for a person to have an honest ability to say: "I can't be myself around you." And because of ignorance, it usually turns into a very controlling game with rules and regulations and accomplishments in order to be oneself. People can be so manipulative and dicatating at times. It is another reason that I keep myself guarded often. It is another reason I keep insisting that my family needs to be separate of each other.

But I love this song, there are some people I have an honest heart for in this song. Some people may not be constantly in my life. Some people really do have their own personal issues where there can't always be a happy peace, and I really would rather people be themselves than pretend to be happy about something that they aren't happy with. I can respect differences.
But sometimes, this song really wants to make me cry when I think about adored and cherished moments in life.

Randomness and pressures

Throughout my financial stresses; I feel I am once again going through another paycheck to paycheck period. I was going to give myself a small break this Christmas. I was going to go to a massuesse. But, because of both my own personal will and mandatory bills, I will have to skip out on spoiling myself for this Christmas season. It will have to be like another paycheck to paycheck period, except there is an obvious awareness of the holiday season. I'll live.

I did end up spending too much money at Wal-Mart yesterday. I usually do. As frugal as I try to be; I still end up paying for more than what I had wanted to pay. Again, I'll live. I'll have to be satisfied with what I can afford to be satisfied with.

One funny pressure is a simple purchase of a bra. OMG a bra. A Wal-Mart bra. There were 2 really cute bras to choose from. I should put this bra on layaway just in case it isn't there during my next paycheck. It was a rockstar bra. The matching panties were just too cheesy, but the bra was cute enough to want to buy. Instead, of always rolling with my soul and even buying symbolic things to expose my personality in my own way; I went for a more sexy bra. I've had bras like this one before. It is one of the most comfy kind of bras, but not only is it comfy, it is a sexy push up. I know, it is a little silly to talk about something so much when I've already been insulted for my small breast size, but oh well. I still have some confidence in my body to want to feel sexy for myself at times.

I have looked through Billboard's newest list of music. I am actually quite surprised at the winners. Most albums look either indie, or country/blue grass. There are a few rappers that have been heard of. I guess with MTV and VH1 and other awards shows, it usually is more pop music and the music that is played on a regular and eventually burned out basis. I'm not familiar with all artists and I havn't heard a lot of songs. Because, I like music so much, it is kind of feeling overwhelmed by a large library sometimes. It looks like someone has definitely connected me to Kanye. I'm confused with how someone somehow orchestrated and connected my life into his persona, but they at least made his album blurry to have some honesty with how I am somehow connected to him. I really do like some of his music, but I'm mad to be pushed into someone's pigeon-holed drama and labeling. It looks like a fight that someone has picked and been very acknowledged but still remains very grey to me.

I've already stated last night and will state again: I still consider myself a free woman. Being aware of a lot of things and a lot of stress that people put on me, that I personally think should have no say in my life whatsoever, I will have to work harder just to show people how free I am.
Someone can send me any babbling and critical judge judy my way to throw all the mallets she wants at me:



Being aware in my own world that some men may have tricks up their sleeves



I would rather be humiliated by a man's tricks and even Stephen King Carrie labels than be any judge judy's bitch. As torturing as it can be; sometimes even torturing for some audiences who really want me to find love and for me to master games and tricks, I would seriously choose any day to live freely and independently no matter what expense I would have to suffer.

As much as I love this song, even in some of my rejections, I would rather sing this to myself alone than spend any time arguing with any Judge Judy over how to be in relationships:



There need to be a number of people that really need to accept that I will always push and choose my freedom and my free will.
With the actual present guy I am seeing; I usually play it by ear. With the guys who have came my way in the past and guys who come my way in the future; that is how it has been and how it will be. Anyway, with the present guy, I have unfortunately lost his number and someone erased all messages on the answering machine. Nothing has officially been decided yet, and I still continue to say I am simply living and waiting things out despite some pressure that other people put on me.

Cause and Vision

I know there is some drama going on right now. Too many different drama battles. Some drama that I don't have enough info and is out of my hands. But, I work with what I know.
As much as I hate to be looked at as either an entertainment or sex object, there are some models of entertainment that is hard for me to argue against. It is sad that sometimes things get so complicated when deciding what is really fair, but right now, I'm setting aside the argument of fairness when being used as entertainment.

The main purpose is the cause. The specific cause I have in mind is Sarah Silverman. I think more than anything, she is known as a comedian and against racism. I was never given the choice to have Silverman to be in fame or paid for her fame. That factor is up to the people who are truly responsible.
My dilemma is having a defined truth for myself. Judgement comes in so many ways.
The main purpose is the cause. And, I remind people that even though I may not get paid or the ultimate credit, I'm still not a slave or jester that will jump through hoops on anyone's command:



Because I do not jump through hoops, does not mean that I am racist. It means that I am nobody's bitch to jump at the snap of a finger, period.

In another debate concerning cause is my sister. I have noticed that she is getting and sharing credit with Silverman. My reaction is mostly grey and guessing. It is grey because I question if she may be forgetting the cause factor and instead competing and using a black sheep battle with me to say who is holier than thou when it comes to racism. In my own predictions and experience with my sister, that is my most probable assumption.

However, being blind to whether or not she may be trying to throw my name in the mud, I do not mind sharing the credit with her with Silverman.
I hate to feel like we are put in a competitive situation where a good cause is not something that should be used as a spotlight for competition. There can always be some kind of judgement, negotiating, reasoning, and debating concerning number of issues. It is the reason that there are usually boards and chairman of nonprofit and profit agencies.
But, again, that is where the communism and contradiction comes in. We are not talking about a literal workplace. We are talking about grey entertainment that has yet to be explained to me.

Anyway, despite the possibility of being stabbed in the back by my sister, I want her to have something she wants: credit for being right with an issue.
I hate the possibilities of her ignorance in not understanding that it is normal and ok for people agree with the same cause. There is usually an identity battle that people obsess with and do not know how to deal with or get over. There are also systematic codependency battles that can come about too.

I would figure out how to deal with it so my sister can share a title of cause. I want her to have this.