Thoughts: A couple of bounces

I really could say I get squashed every day. Some squashings are worse than others. Some are added shunts that block what I would normally do. Almost a damnation because it's as though my life revolves around a person and they get the credit if I don't rebel. I don't like to be called fat, but I don't like the only option is to gain weight on purpose. I have used cheesecake as a weapon before, but I don't seriously want to put on a whole lot more weight. .. It is a matter of sensitivity. I was in my own compromising position and it is typical for people to take their own offense and smack back. Despite a blackmailing controversy of hating being called "transgender," even though it is my right to be the person God made me, it will still be an offense to others TO REFUSE THEIR CHOICE OF LIFE. What are people really supposed to do when they don't like being called a tran? Be the shunted rebel because you hate to give a person the satisfaction to their VIOLENT CRACK OF THE WHIP. There are many times I ignore the shameless trashy remark. It's always been an OFFENSIVE VIOLENT AND SEXUALLY ASSAULTING remark to me. Why can't a man be man enough to be JUST the angry bitch they are. WHY CAN'T HE JUST SAY "YOU ARE TOO BOSSY," OR "YOU ARE TOO FUCKING CONTROLLING SARAH." HAVE YOU EVER UNDERSTOOD THAT THERE ARE DISAGREEABLE OR BOSSY WOMEN? IS IT THAT HARD FOR YOU TO ACCEPT RON BURGUNDY? (I'm really not calling myself someone specific's Veronica right now. I'm focused in a blinding land with some other unsaid obvious but I'm a little upset and lost right now.) I would rather hear a literal swear word than the unsaid swearword of a "Tran." LIKE IT WAS NEVER USED AS A SWEAR WORD, YES IT IS.... For the sake of my own expression and feelings and not wanting to live a lie or an have an entirely different identity because I know I have my personal issues sometimes. ... So, I tell some white lies every now and then. It's not like I'm always wanting to pick a fight or harass a person because they are rich and I am poor. I use mostly silence when I know I'm disagreeable. It all depends on how everything is said and if there is some kind of restraint and the way the restraint is used. ... I'm not protected in restraint. I wonder if one of my stalkers actually measures the amount of dignity I don't have sometimes. It's not another thing I would like to be stalked over but when I feel I'm being stalked with the worst accountability, I just do. How much dignity would I lose if I kept blogging or have anything to do with twitter? Does it have to count? I don't know. I can only take so much psychological abuse. ........... I was going to talk about other random thoughts and things that go on in every day life but I think I'll do that some other time because I don't like being my own annoyance with what I include in my blogs. ...

Unavoidable

It's not like I have never not avoided a serious issue. I don't like the way I feel to be the present center of blame. So, the advantage I take OF AN EXPENSIVE AND EXPLOITIVE QUESTION, is to my advantage. Personally, I still don't feel like my decency or dignity of a person is fought for enough and yes I have felt that terror for quite some time. It's not just this terrible incidence, but other incidences, when people won't recognize how expensive and exploitive someone is being, how blind I am, and some questions that were never asked "What kind of trial or judgment is that?" So many questions that was never asked. It's not that I say it as the most arrogant dare, but in too many wars of arrogance and narcism and judgment, it is just too hard to care. So, because there is already expensive, obvious, unavoidable, and exploitive elephant in the room, I would say, what is it that is really being asked of me? What is it that I want? I feel the the person's expensive move is to corner me into saying whatever it is I am wanting. Is the person, Bill Gates, a King, a US government, one of many wealthy people? I don't know who wants to know. I know they are stockholming, expensive, and exploitive. So, my main points. I've found many people unsafe and damaging with the way they refuse to be unsafe. I think that stockholms and people wanting to threaten people to be in bondages needs to be taken as a more serious crime with serious punishment and even severe punishment in some cases. I think there are a lot of people who want to play their own cop like it's nothing. I keep many, many thoughts to myself. There is no such thing in wanting to protect my dignity from some people. I think there is such a thing as a ridiculous cop but what is so much worse than a ridiculous cop is a ridiculous person wanting to pose as some authority as a cop and threaten your life with whatever bondage they would want to make up like it is their serious right. What is the most worse is the way they won't have a clue to their actions of bondage. It is one of the most brutal, ugly, beyond mean, and ignorant gut punches a person has when they just stay in denial to their action of bondage and stalking. ....... That statement being said is something I feel my parents are just as guilty as many other people doing. Yes, I think there needs to be more said for my respect, for my decency as a person, for my dignity. It is not something I would ever feel I face my parents with because I know I feel murdered somewhere in the back of my mind when I know I feel seized as my life was their property anyway. According to their eyes, IT IS A JUDGMENT FOR THEM TO DECIDE. A reminder, I think there are many who are guilty with their actions of bondage and seizing. In some people's dead beat battering mouths, it's always for me to be blamed for whichever way they would abuse me. It isn't just my parents. It's hard to imagine abandoning my parents for life and literally never speaking to them again. I know I overreacted over my father in the past because I had a boyfriend who was just too brutally mean for me to understand or comprehend. I know I did have a sense of guilt for my father when it happened and I did offer an apology. There have been times since throughout the years that I have felt deeply disturbed and in question to my dad and his will to threaten me. Some things are just too unspeakable and done unfair in ways I could never prove if I wanted. I don't want to remember those times and would rather not know things for certain. Besides the mistake I made with him, I don't feel I deserve to be treated with such extreme indignation and he isn't someone I gave all of the credit to with the indignation I felt. I give myself some sort of advantage, but I mostly do feel I am being made to be a victim to a cannibal that I cannot see. If it comes down to saving my father's life, I do not want my dad to be murdered. I would have the nerve to say he and others should be punished for the way they choose to threaten me, but no, I do not want my dad to die. I was hoping that this and more would have been water under the bridge longer ago. I blame what I can't see. Cannibalism?, Jealous bondage desperation?, Jealous for control, authority?, an extreme battering narcism?

I feel bipolar today

I hate talking about being bipolar. While I often feel extremely beat up and depressed for myself; there are times I appear anything but that. I did a little less than 2 hour bike ride today and it really felt great. I did something new and got to explore a really fun trail in Pittsburgh. It was definitely a hot day and when I made it to my halfway point, there was a good breeze for there to be a cool mist from the fountain at the downtown Point park. It felt good to do that. I still didn't do as many calls as I had originally planned. I was going to work out yesterday but those plans folded, and then today when I called the gym, it was required you had to wear masks while on the equipment. I didn't feel like the usual work out video and going on a bike ride is something that has been on my mind. I would do it more often if I could, but it is a time consuming thing. In knowing whereabouts and parking, it isn't always the most convenient thing either. It would make a good date or outing..... In thinking about depression, I hate the uncontrollable depression and despair I have in some ways. I have a couple of bollywoods and while I was thinking of talking about them, I just don't have it in me to be the out spoken player. I care for them all and just don't like the thought of breaking any of their hearts for the other as pointless and despairing as it seems as it always gets nowhere. ...I have been ignoring/avoiding Demi Lovato for awhile because I feel so argued against and I hate the way she crashes/clashes/and argues with me. She is so rude and she has had me in repressed rages before. I'm not apologetic if I creep her out. She's too rude to make a friend out of or be friendly towards. She has me ignored and argued against in being a bossy and controlling bitch who wants to act like she has me owned and wants to call my shots. How many times have I been extremely upset and livid when someone wants to own my truth, act like they have me owned, and just being a dominate or "queen." You're not my queen Demi and I don't appreciate the way you INTRUDE AND INVADE AND EXPLOIT IN MY LIFE. Stop putting me on the spot, throwing your fits, and threatening my life because I'm not letting you win with your rudeness whether you mean to be a friend/ lesbian/ or just straight up gets-to-get-away-with-it predator. While I'm not specifically speaking about the man that your intruding stalker has an awareness of (unless he is being a cruel two timing bollywood- you are so impossible and unfair, Oilman--- To be set up, to be set up to fail--...)...I get rejected all the time by people I could want to be friends with or in a relationship with and I take it and I understand I can't win with everyone and am not loved by everyone and it is a fact of life that every person lives with! Stop throwing your fits, being a psycho, and taking your anger out on me, and being vengeful because I don't like you, Demi. Believe that I head but your shot caller and claims of you having me owned, Demi. (Oilman, I don't mean to shoot you down too much but you make me wonder who you mean to be).

Random Thoughts and some good news

I get another big bonus from Lyft this week and I finally got my first laundry job. Right now, things are looking good in the work world. I sometimes wish I had a more time managed routine but it is one advantage of having most jobs as a choose your own schedule when some weeks are more complicated than others.... The Pittsburgh Pirates. I just feel slightly flirted with and a "hey look at me," and it is mostly good news. It doesn't change the Bollywood situation and I don't want the male nurse to be lost in the arbitrage but he already is. He is lost in that I still don't know his name and wouldn't even know where to find him, but he is in Pittsburgh. Not that I want to forget him. When it comes to me, it is about choice of intent attention more than a game..... Will waiting EVER save me from my square one?.... Right now, I still feel humiliated over so many things and really injured on the inside. I still fear loneliness but there are times I like to just be alone with myself. I've always wanted companionship, but I feel most often used as a thrill. It isn't that I don't have fun sometimes. I know I'm boring to some and I don't like to be insulted like I'm extremely boring, but it's another thing that gets me mad when men complain. Right now, I see a light game of peek-a-boo but I don't want any hard ball. I already feel I can hardly say anything without being distorted and I don't feel like getting into a lot of anything. Depression is sometimes hard to fight and I wish men had more of an appeal to women who are emos sometimes. Its like a mismatch to think a professional athlete would be into a sometimes emo type. With most men anyway, who have more of a said reputation. When a man is my carrot I have to keep chasing, I get depressed more. I need to feel a stronger sense of acceptance and that a man is satisfied. The nurse really has what it takes to make me feel the comfort I need to feel in the mind sometimes, but he has to be another man who can do it for me that just isn't around and literally here in my life. How could a man care enough in some ways but not enough in other ways?

If I had my Utopia and perfect man

Right now, something could be light-hearted in Burmuda (always a language barrier) but I feel battered in a forced corner. Like I've previously stated, when I know men can be forceful with having their way with you and having you recognized in their eyes in their perspective to be forced into their decision-making, some are monstrously like that. I would rather specifically say what it is in what is supposed to be "my embarrassment," because they will forcefully keep their arrogance fed DESPITE THE VOICE I KNOW I GAVE MYSELF THAT WAS PUNCHED IN THE JUGULAR for the sake of their rapist fascist vanity. While I know I felt a peaceful embrace with the male nurse earlier where he was fighting against being called an intentional rapist monster, there is a stronger mind vice whose credit I cannot see but makes a lie against who the male nurse presented himself as. There is a violently fit throwing man who has to have his worst say against me. They are not done in saying just how much everything is my problem and that their jokes and rapes are on me. Like I've never been aware of the number of times I've been dumped in cheated on sometimes, sometimes will say I am aware (although it was never them being a cheat, because there was never anything wrong they have done on their end in the worst way and they would rape me to death before swallowing any kind of pride). When it comes to my breast size, I am the one who is supposedly the most obsessed with what my breast size is. I wish some people could see how much of a forceful molestation and corner there is in someones worst rapist mind vice and get the vice battered for me. The violent stalker needs to be in jail alone. Besides being cheated and dumped a number of times, the vice says it has always evolved around my breast size and insecurity of my breast size in the most forceful and lethal way. No man admits the ultimatum. The ultimatum was always mine and the way they mistreated and cheated on me was something I was always at fault for. The vice says "since it is 'MY PROBLEM' and the self-molesting reason I am insecure is my small bust, I should do something about it. I mean I am being violently and brutally assaulted with the ways the man's actions and cheats are MY PROBLEM. I have been raped by other women's conceit in a similar way where I never gave them the chance and "it is my insecurity and there was never a such thing as me being a recognized straight woman." I am so raped with such a violent conceited prejudice, and I can't make someone get their vain rapist monster vice in the worst way. Jay, you are still not coming around at the right time. If I had a perfect man Jay, this man would say: "Sarah, I know we are not an entire army and can sometimes be outnumbered with the way people lie, kill you with prejudice, and are being mean and terribly cut throat. It is so severely awful that a man won't see himself for the monster he is and other women who want to mistake you as "their" insecure lesbian and wanting to use your small breasts to lie and blackmail you as the reason for not wanting them. It is really brutal for a man to be that much of a vain lying fascist pig to put you in the corner like that and force you into getting a boob job because you will always be raped and cornered with it being your problem. I'm sorry that they weren't even going to have the decency to admit it was their problem and choose to keep you battered in the worse way with the way they stay your cut throat. It's a shame the times you get extremely and violently cheated on and no man will ever accept the cheat he is. It's one of the sickest things a man can do after cheating on you is keeping you bullied with his lies, arrogance, and cut throat and never be called your cheater at all. That is a severe mean pig that needs to be shamed. It's a shame when sometimes they will be these mama's boys wanting to cry because you made them feel like the ass they were, not even the ass they were. Words can't explain how much beyond an ass and a monster they are and they go crying over that after they call you 10x worse than that of an "it." There is just no comparison with how mean they are and how much they want to be your victim. We are not on their level Sarah, we both know there is so much more to life than the obsession and lie of obsession that someone wants to make out of your breasts. I seriously don't have that much of a problem with them Sarah, none at all. That was extreme, ridiculous, and violent for someone to have that much of a problem against your breast size. That was terrible for you to have to see someone's worst extreme prejudice and discrimination against you. You shouldn't have had to see a monster like that. It isn't your fault." ..... I hate whatever vice that was makes me question the truth in the male nurse. I don't know who is hijacking the male nurse or wanting to vice me. The lightest message could have been "you're getting me so good Sarah," but you lost me with either your intent, ignorance, and humiliation anyway. Did you really have to say "I got you good" with a threat like that? You lost me. Once again, to your forceful recognition in wanting to make it my problem, it's not my problem. It's not on me. I feel I can only believe in some kind of meant punch to the jugular with whatever form of humiliation you want me to feel. If I didn't feel so locked in a basement, exploited and forced into humiliation at the same time, I wouldn't write such a lengthy blog, I would have a shake of my head with another dumb butch of a predator. But some people overlook their rapist and threatening actions in their worst reckless way.

Life is Hell

I've had a number of hateful sadists cheering, but this still isn't about them and their egocentric terrorisms.... I still do not know where a lot of things and information comes from. I see a lot of different things on msn and pay attention to some signs, but I hate reading the articles. I bet they came from Jon, but there is someone watching me and watching people and giving me more impossible leads. A lot of it is still too mean. Even whoever the hockey players are. Like that is some kind of greeting and introduction... The "do not do over 40," Is it Bradley's "train conductor"? One of the guys looked like Blackbeard. He is technically white but the black guy looked like him somewhat. It was such a quick glance of a delivery call. He had a weird name where I think it was 2 first names but I don't remember the name. It wasn't a normal name but the second name to the double name was "Adrian." Was it Francis? I can't remember but whoever is watching me knows who it is and I have the common belief that he is another man who makes me want him and I will never see him again. Is he really hurt that I treat him like he is that much of a toy? IT'S SOMETHING FOR ME TO KNOW FIRST AND ONLY AND NOT SOME BLIND-SIDING BULLSHITTER OF A MESSENGER. I suffer from several different kinds of exploits and kidnappings from time to time where the actions aren't always the same kidnapping and exploiting actions but there is a person who is still wanting to be the dominate owner and being the one who tells the story and calls the shots. Some people know their sadism, but someone still keeps committing a constant wrong. "Adrian" is still in my typical Bollywood mindset. I wish I could completely let myself feel comfortable with him and not want to look around for other men but he is still in the Bollywood category. I want to be satisfied but can't. I'm not entirely comfortable with Zoosk right now but look anyway.... It has been so long since I have gone out but there has always been something coming up every single weekend in these past couple of months. It has been killing me that it has been so long since I've been out. I've yet to decide the things I want to do but definitely see some kind of show whether it be bands or comedy. I think some comedians can be so creepy, sinister, and death-threatening in some ways that I'm more set on seeing some kind of band but I don't know any of the bands that play. It doesn't matter that much but sometimes I wish I would know if I already knew whether I liked the band or not. Life has been too short for a bad show. I don't get to get out all of the time. It isn't that bad shows happen that much.... I still have to pay some kind of deductible for my stolen car. It was at least reduced some, but it doesn't change the time off and expenses. I was close to getting caught up and when I was more than capable of being caught up on my bills, the incident took me back financially hundreds of steps. I'm so mad about it all that I'm going to be making myself go out soon anyway in the midst of my rage. I have a craft show the next weekend and was supposed to have one last weekend but WHEN MY KEYS WERE STOLEN ALONG WITH MY CAR the replacement key was a wrong key. I had to pay another fucking 75.00 just for the new keys and getting new locks. FUCKING THEIVES. FUCKING STALKERS will know I'm still throwing my fit and fuck with me more for their fucking sense of dumb butch power. should be fucking satisfied with what they already did fuckers. But anyway, I missed the craft show because I couldn't get in my garage to get my crafts because I was given a wrong new key. I've yet to go back to get another new key but I should be able to get in by next show. I hate having other random things on my checklist I still have to do. Something else to complain about while I'm on my rant.

Dear Third Party: Jade needs to be restrained and tasered. Is there a messenger who has integrity in the house?

Someone's violent muslim keeps wanting to rule and regulate me on some occasions. I am still a hostage victim to an unknown dominance. I have given serious consideration to putting deep cuts in her on facebook due to one of my angers of her mistaking me as her coward. I still consider myself more brave and have PUT MY LIFE ON THE LINE FOR MY SAKE too many times. Jade is one of the wives of Calvin to my Django. She needs to be restrained and tasered. Thus, I've made this blog. The last stalking Muslim messengers clearly don't have my truth clear. She stays on top of me; she wants to be the judge; and she more than shamelessly and ignorantly calls herself queen to my face like she has had me. Jade for this, I want your body thrown through glass and your head banged against the wall several times. You do not know what you do on numbers of counts and I don't deserve to be threatened by your butch pig ignorant wife of Calvin. I think of all the disturbances, I'm most angered and disturbed by her piggish nerve. I'm obviously a child to her after treating Stacy to sincere severe violent talk. Jade molests me with the way she takes nothing about me seriously. I am her blow up doll where she has no real recognition to me. I am not here to subject myself to her or explain my truth for her sake. I am here to take her crown and have it disintegrated into sand. I would like to mail her sand alone with the message this is what I did to your crown and your schizophrenia. I want her in restraint and treated like a dog.