Random Thoughts and some good news

I get another big bonus from Lyft this week and I finally got my first laundry job. Right now, things are looking good in the work world. I sometimes wish I had a more time managed routine but it is one advantage of having most jobs as a choose your own schedule when some weeks are more complicated than others.... The Pittsburgh Pirates. I just feel slightly flirted with and a "hey look at me," and it is mostly good news. It doesn't change the Bollywood situation and I don't want the male nurse to be lost in the arbitrage but he already is. He is lost in that I still don't know his name and wouldn't even know where to find him, but he is in Pittsburgh. Not that I want to forget him. When it comes to me, it is about choice of intent attention more than a game..... Will waiting EVER save me from my square one?.... Right now, I still feel humiliated over so many things and really injured on the inside. I still fear loneliness but there are times I like to just be alone with myself. I've always wanted companionship, but I feel most often used as a thrill. It isn't that I don't have fun sometimes. I know I'm boring to some and I don't like to be insulted like I'm extremely boring, but it's another thing that gets me mad when men complain. Right now, I see a light game of peek-a-boo but I don't want any hard ball. I already feel I can hardly say anything without being distorted and I don't feel like getting into a lot of anything. Depression is sometimes hard to fight and I wish men had more of an appeal to women who are emos sometimes. Its like a mismatch to think a professional athlete would be into a sometimes emo type. With most men anyway, who have more of a said reputation. When a man is my carrot I have to keep chasing, I get depressed more. I need to feel a stronger sense of acceptance and that a man is satisfied. The nurse really has what it takes to make me feel the comfort I need to feel in the mind sometimes, but he has to be another man who can do it for me that just isn't around and literally here in my life. How could a man care enough in some ways but not enough in other ways?