Life is Hell

I've had a number of hateful sadists cheering, but this still isn't about them and their egocentric terrorisms.... I still do not know where a lot of things and information comes from. I see a lot of different things on msn and pay attention to some signs, but I hate reading the articles. I bet they came from Jon, but there is someone watching me and watching people and giving me more impossible leads. A lot of it is still too mean. Even whoever the hockey players are. Like that is some kind of greeting and introduction... The "do not do over 40," Is it Bradley's "train conductor"? One of the guys looked like Blackbeard. He is technically white but the black guy looked like him somewhat. It was such a quick glance of a delivery call. He had a weird name where I think it was 2 first names but I don't remember the name. It wasn't a normal name but the second name to the double name was "Adrian." Was it Francis? I can't remember but whoever is watching me knows who it is and I have the common belief that he is another man who makes me want him and I will never see him again. Is he really hurt that I treat him like he is that much of a toy? IT'S SOMETHING FOR ME TO KNOW FIRST AND ONLY AND NOT SOME BLIND-SIDING BULLSHITTER OF A MESSENGER. I suffer from several different kinds of exploits and kidnappings from time to time where the actions aren't always the same kidnapping and exploiting actions but there is a person who is still wanting to be the dominate owner and being the one who tells the story and calls the shots. Some people know their sadism, but someone still keeps committing a constant wrong. "Adrian" is still in my typical Bollywood mindset. I wish I could completely let myself feel comfortable with him and not want to look around for other men but he is still in the Bollywood category. I want to be satisfied but can't. I'm not entirely comfortable with Zoosk right now but look anyway.... It has been so long since I have gone out but there has always been something coming up every single weekend in these past couple of months. It has been killing me that it has been so long since I've been out. I've yet to decide the things I want to do but definitely see some kind of show whether it be bands or comedy. I think some comedians can be so creepy, sinister, and death-threatening in some ways that I'm more set on seeing some kind of band but I don't know any of the bands that play. It doesn't matter that much but sometimes I wish I would know if I already knew whether I liked the band or not. Life has been too short for a bad show. I don't get to get out all of the time. It isn't that bad shows happen that much.... I still have to pay some kind of deductible for my stolen car. It was at least reduced some, but it doesn't change the time off and expenses. I was close to getting caught up and when I was more than capable of being caught up on my bills, the incident took me back financially hundreds of steps. I'm so mad about it all that I'm going to be making myself go out soon anyway in the midst of my rage. I have a craft show the next weekend and was supposed to have one last weekend but WHEN MY KEYS WERE STOLEN ALONG WITH MY CAR the replacement key was a wrong key. I had to pay another fucking 75.00 just for the new keys and getting new locks. FUCKING THEIVES. FUCKING STALKERS will know I'm still throwing my fit and fuck with me more for their fucking sense of dumb butch power. should be fucking satisfied with what they already did fuckers. But anyway, I missed the craft show because I couldn't get in my garage to get my crafts because I was given a wrong new key. I've yet to go back to get another new key but I should be able to get in by next show. I hate having other random things on my checklist I still have to do. Something else to complain about while I'm on my rant.

Dear Third Party: Jade needs to be restrained and tasered. Is there a messenger who has integrity in the house?

Someone's violent muslim keeps wanting to rule and regulate me on some occasions. I am still a hostage victim to an unknown dominance. I have given serious consideration to putting deep cuts in her on facebook due to one of my angers of her mistaking me as her coward. I still consider myself more brave and have PUT MY LIFE ON THE LINE FOR MY SAKE too many times. Jade is one of the wives of Calvin to my Django. She needs to be restrained and tasered. Thus, I've made this blog. The last stalking Muslim messengers clearly don't have my truth clear. She stays on top of me; she wants to be the judge; and she more than shamelessly and ignorantly calls herself queen to my face like she has had me. Jade for this, I want your body thrown through glass and your head banged against the wall several times. You do not know what you do on numbers of counts and I don't deserve to be threatened by your butch pig ignorant wife of Calvin. I think of all the disturbances, I'm most angered and disturbed by her piggish nerve. I'm obviously a child to her after treating Stacy to sincere severe violent talk. Jade molests me with the way she takes nothing about me seriously. I am her blow up doll where she has no real recognition to me. I am not here to subject myself to her or explain my truth for her sake. I am here to take her crown and have it disintegrated into sand. I would like to mail her sand alone with the message this is what I did to your crown and your schizophrenia. I want her in restraint and treated like a dog.

Heartbreak: The inevitability of an older man

It isn't the first time I was a sucker for a comparatively older man. They always seem to play their cards a better way and have a greater sensitivity to them. Because they can do something right, you just don't want to admit the things that come with their age. It matters to me to have at least 1 more kid and possibly 2. He didn't want anymore at his age. I can agree with him that he isn't the ideal age, but I just didn't want to. I had a little bit of a feeling of second guessing myself in what comes first between a companion that I could care for, or my own reproduction and I forced myself to make my choice for reproduction. We havn't dated the longest but it became such a choice. While he has some protectiveness about him, I know I saw him being a superman in Narnia. There were things I felt I saw in him that I don't always see in other men. I let him know that. While I am still crying, I feel like I have a better break up for once but it was such a choice. I didn't like whatever one particular scare was with Stacy but he never had any ownership of it in that article. We both looked like this one lady who was with a man who looked like him, but it wasn't something that any person should have remained deaf to. He was a kind teddy bear towards me. ……… In the next thought that takes a different dreadful turn was another isolation/Stockholm with Stacy/Jade/Gia. Jade hasn't been as much as a Butch as Stacy but Jade has had some Butch moments and guilty by association with Stacy. While we all seemed to have some recognition in this isolation at the same time, Stacy and Jade and some other random woman I don't know were called "boys" for once and I was relieved that a severe aggression was noticed and that they should be seen like they have something wrong with them for being so aggressive, and wanting me to break for their sake. I had some relief but remained angry at whatever testing isolation and that I was being tested and faced with them. I kept my angry and threatening face. I get tested with Uber sometimes too and while I don't always show an angry face, I just act like whatever Narnia is there isn't. I hate someone's regulating sense of control. What fairness is there to be tested when I'm being restrained with another Narnia? I'm mad to feel forced to be harassed and put up with whatever Butch attitude and game they want to have going on. Gia, she was someone else I used to work with. If she is guilty by association with Stacy, it makes her an instant enemy. She is someone I have somewhat befriended before and someone I could have been somewhat of a friend with. I think she does have too much of a bad lifestyle though and I just wouldn't feel comfortable in being any closer. Gia, I really do think you are attractive, but I wouldn't want to be in a lesbian relationship with you whether or not you were making any pass towards me a long while ago. I question if you want me, but you may not want the full relationship like that. I honestly don't want us to happen in any kind of way especially if you want to threaten me in anyway for Stacy. Maybe it was Stacy who wanted to use you to keep my truth robbed, but either way, I'm still into men. While this last one didn't end sour, despite all the things they do, I still want and need a man.

As the Sarah Turns: My talk keeps going and going

I would say I am mostly a quiet person, but not sure how much I would ruin something if I did end a quiet game I have had going on... Another boat I have yet to specifically talk about and still won't say his name although I know he is recognized and made into a guessing game. Although he was included with "Wham," I must show him some sensitivity and a little TLC anyway despite the fact I could be his 100% underdog. It definitely wouldn't be a fair truth if being only an underdog was what he was going to make of me. He is an impossible one and some particular details matter some that I can't talk about. If he wasn't such a boat, I wouldn't have to talk about him. If I had one main punch line it would be "you burn." He must have some burn for me to want to make me burn. He has a loud smile. He could have the most innocent smile of "I'm into you," written all over him, but something tells me that he does not have the most innocent smile with me. If I were to guess the worst: he is the bondage victim of a man who he has most focus on. Nothing is too much for sure but he knows how to have such a silent game to go on with me. I really wouldn't intend to pick him because he has another purpose that is of some matter but I have to keep an open mind with: you can meet anyone anywhere. I know he and I are seen by some distant people that I'm blind sided with. I think it is still for him to be the one to make the most obvious move as simply to call me or ask to go out sometime. I made more effort today to make him dare a little more. If he doesn't dare, I guess he has to burn and eventually get over me or just keep making exchanged greetings when necessary. It is not that I have a stubborn dogma where he has to be the one to make the move. I have too much going on in my soap opera which keeps getting interrupted/ intercepted by one guy or another. ……… I can only be a ho right now. I'd like to say I'm the most comfortable at being a ho right now, but I have some comfort. Although I never wanted some number of guys to be a boat, or to have too much of an involvement there is a boat or two I'm not completely over and that I feel like shit for in some ways or another. I've always argued and still argue against the feeling of being guilty, but my feeling of guilt is such an unfair and self hated truth. It just isn't fair. I still have my birthday booty call in the game unless he does decide to stop keeping in touch with me altogether. Him and I are not official, but I still have some interest in him while remaining in the "ho," category.