I want to want you, but.

David, I'm going to have to go with my gut and just go with it and the way you get in my head..... I know I want to want you. The message seemed to be: amongst Jon Stewart's arbitrage, you were in there somewhere and somewhere along the way you noticed me and got a thing for me through Jon. I' m sure you won't argue much over the snowflake matter, but you also have to understand the guilty by association you are. I was only associated so long until I made the choice to keep him out of my life over the last several years. I don't know how much you would know of the terror I have been in over Jon's totalitarianism. I usually believe in a more fair and open game. Because of what you already have written all over you; I have no other choice but to be very unfair about it all. I'm sure Jon has gotten away with his piggishness very often with very many. He has no comprehension to just how much of a totalitarian pig he has always been. I know I'd be better off talking to a brick wall. There is no breaking through to Jon with the way I think or feel........ David, I know I don't know your details and what the somewhere along the way specifics are of yours. It is a totalitarian/ quarantine I feel I have suffered from. I love to see fresh or random faces who have nothing to do with my history or Jon's arbitrage or cliques. I'm sorry for how much of a negative bias I have to use against you. In any normal relationship, it is always expected for the man to put the woman he is in the relationship with 1st. That was never my story with Jon. He was such a sick vain juggernaut pig to have kept wanting and pursuing me knowing he had never and was never going to put me first and make me a slave to someone else. Why he was ever that extreme and never-ending of a nightmare with other fellow gang rapists (which I have no other choice to question you) I will never know. I'm sorry that I have to assume you are just another fellow conquestial terrorist and rapist. I will never settle for a man who will never put me first. That was so sick of Jon to be a pig like that and the men involved with him to be ignoring and piggish with him. The majority of men who have had a history with me and who have already known that SHOULD HAVE never had any business to keep wanting me knowing they were never going to put me first. They really should have known better than to keep threatening me like that or staying restless to put their conquestial marks on me. They should have never stayed constant unmasked or in a guise thinking they would ever trick me into being the conquest they want me to be. I want to want you but I can't be your fool. Although a little foolish; I would want to be more of a fool, but I can't. You at least won't be deceptive with where you are coming from, but if you want me and want me to want you, you are really going to have to go the distance to prove TO ME that you put me first.

David

David, Trying to be on the same page and keeping a clear story..... Right now, the only main arbitrage connections I see are Tom and Sam. I don't think you have the motive of wanting to lead me on for them; I think you want to lead me on to yourself. Sam and Tom might want to use you for themselves to lead me on. Anyhoo, I'll start with Sam. I hate Sam. Several years back, I was a little bit of a young fool online blogging back and forth. Just because a guy could have my interest at one time, doesn't mean he will always have my interest like that. I do have my own short summed up story of what I think of Sam. I think he is a major creeper and sex offender. If I were to give his sexual predator a rating on a scale of 1 (minor offense) to 10 (severe offense), I'd give him a 10 and violently X-rated for sure. I know I may not have his entire truth or entire understanding of what he is, but I seriously despise Sam. He is quick to judge, a terrible judge of character, and a very arrogant and impossible man. I think he is one who is responsible for an ATK connection with some seriously violently X-rated sexual offenses where he thinks he deserved to have his way with his sick rape. I know he thinks he has me beat and his dominant seriously is not good enough for me. I don't care how much he wants to beat me up in calling me a transvestite; I will always see him as my X-rated violently psychotic inferior...... YOU. In all honesty David, I know I don't know you or see you enough. I don't think you are a psychotically and seriously judgmental man that Sam was. I think you are being playful and maybe were into me a long time ago and possibly were a jealous man for my committed love. Dog food. Maybe it was nothing to read into at all. Maybe you were meaning to talk to someone else. I'm sorry to have not noticed you enough then too. I have some kind of obvious trust in you right now, and unless you break my trust, I'm going to keep leaning into you. ..... Tom. I have nothing new to say about Tom. Maybe he is still into me, but as long as the terms are always going to be the same, I seriously don't care about Tom. It wouldn't be worth it to me to stick it out with Tom. Maybe he still wants to try for me with random acts of kindness, but the big picture is still there. I am still refusing to settle for what Tom would have to offer. ......... I am on the 3rd show of the first season of "Californication" so far. I don't have too much of a comment about it right now. You definitely are a sexy man, but the thesis of the show so far isn't really helping you. I know I don't want to know how much of a manwhore you are. I guess I'm just watching it out of my curiosity for you. It really looks like you have the biggest thing for Scully. The ex looks a lot like her except with longer hair. Even in a recent music video, and X-Files will be starting up again soon. You look like you're into her and getting fresh with her too. I'm still unsure with where you stand with everything or what and who it is you want. ...... You're still on my mind and I can't wait to see you in Pittsburgh in a couple of weeks.....