Wishing I had someone to talk to............................
Because of how things have gone, I have a very pessimistic mindset about the job hunt. This week, there is only a job or 2 in the paper that I could apply to. I do plan on saving enough money to eventually get out of town, but until then, it is doing whatever.
I have a big week this coming up week. My talk about the baby's father won't be a lot. He does want to be in her life and have some partial custody. Thoughts I keep to myself. I feel very alone right now. I will be alright. The loneliness and isolation isn't new, but the situation with the isolation is a much different story.
It made me think about Paris Hilton. I know I am no celebrity and our personalities don't have much comparison. I just remember one of the last shows she had was a contest for a best friend. The intention could have been for entertainment, but being the person she is, the best friend winner should get some experience in entertainment and the celebrity world in order to be the winner she is.
With just me personally, it feels there are so many impossibilities in finding a friend anymore. Sometimes, it takes similar backgrounds or similar family status in which being a single mother clashes with partnered mothers. Whatever rumors go around with me and threesomes is something I have remained anorexic to. Besides being bothered by those rumors are also assumptions and sometimes predictable ways that people have their own structured judgement. Sometimes it seems that some people turn their gadar up 10x where people are so hypersensitive and hawkish in their assumptions. The insults and awkwardness ruin it from there. I guess some people get over things, but I do have serious issues with the assumptions and judgements other people make. Besides the point of that is the constant clashing sex life. A good sex life seems impossible as well. It is no doubt at this point that I have a number of sexual predators on my back. Not going into the blame game over it either in this blog. I hate so many sexual correlations and sexual obsessions some people have. It has been so long since life has felt normal. The term: "platonic," should not be such an odd term as it seems with most people.
I just can't stand being around some people too long knowing what their gossip is. Sometimes just gossip happens and it is left at that, and other times gossip creates a whole new meaning where: something has happened and it isn't anything anyone can take back or change. Some talk seems more absolute or indefinite where what's done is done.
In another route: what's done is done is a phrase that runs through my mind in so many instances where it isn't funny. It is actually terrifying in most cases. It is heart shattering in others. Sometimes it isn't as big of a deal. Other times, some things happen so quickly, I can only just quietly stare for a period of time. Sometimes I'll speak my mind, other times, I just choose quietness. What's done is done is not something I like going through my mind and it is very bad news anytime the phrase does run through my mind.........
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Dear Jon
Busy busy busy.... but some time to write......
Coming from you: a mix of seriousness with vices and then games and loosening me a little......
Additional jab from you that is similar but meant in a different way with me: I simply can't handle the type of man you are. You may not be the ultimate alpha but you are an alpha in your own ways. A typical male alpha that I sometimes and somehow get caught up in, but could never imagine a serious relationship with the type of guy you are. I just can't handle you. I would only want it to go to your head so much, but there are things about you that I hate you get proud over. Your life, I know, but even with you being the alpha you are, with some things about you, I'm too good for. It goes beyond the princess vs. queen concept. I hate the ways people manipulate with that. You know some of the obvious truth of my emotions. I can't control what you think or how you use it for or against me. Too much stress. I don't have enough solutions for myself YET.
I did want to join in on the conversation from the other day with entrepreneurship. Mixing business with pleasure. You did remind me of the "I want to work for you," letter. I can't help but laugh to myself about it. I don't remember what I wrote and don't want to. First impressions. ha. I think that may get the best of me but I am seriously not a hooker and hate the thought of it seriously being taken that way.....anyway.....
There may be a hidden agenda with what you personally think about entreprenuership, but I'll talk politically anyway. From just the general political talk, it does come off a little insulting that you would expect the worse and sympathetically give a pity party before it begins. If a little bit of financial support was there, it also robs the smallest of self-entrepreneurs or breadwinners the title of their breadwinning. Maybe not the entire title. But, the obvious later manipulation and ~you owe me~ "If it wasn't for me, you're business wouldn't be." I think there probably are some people who are so desperate for survival that some levels of credibility are not thought of or given a damn with. You can make your own guesses when you specifically look at me. I've already said it would be something that I would be serious about 10 years or so from now. Presently, I see myself as a very down to earth person. I know crafting is not enough of an income. As much as I'd like to stay my own boss, I still am open to working for an employer of some sort. It doesn't change the way I think of past employment and their B.S. authoritarianism, but the political talk goes in a different route where it goes towards workplace reform. Short and sweet: When it comes to business, I've always thought it better to have more capitalist control than governmental control. Both could be responsible for tyranny and communism. While I still can't figure out which is more responsible for my horrible work history, One or both have already failed me. I don't think some people understand how their sense of judgement, being judgemental as a whole, and being desperate as a whole makes them look. So much down to earth rational reform needs to be needed. Ethics, integrity, maturity and practicality, and emotional integrity.
Damn damn damn stupid violently vain damnation. And before and after it happens still too poor to have my voice taken seriously. and on your end the bad first impression and obvious issue of business vs. pleasure. Don't know if I would even call it that anymore but still. As the Jon turns and As the Sarah turns drama makes the conversation cancel itself out.
Coming from you: a mix of seriousness with vices and then games and loosening me a little......
Additional jab from you that is similar but meant in a different way with me: I simply can't handle the type of man you are. You may not be the ultimate alpha but you are an alpha in your own ways. A typical male alpha that I sometimes and somehow get caught up in, but could never imagine a serious relationship with the type of guy you are. I just can't handle you. I would only want it to go to your head so much, but there are things about you that I hate you get proud over. Your life, I know, but even with you being the alpha you are, with some things about you, I'm too good for. It goes beyond the princess vs. queen concept. I hate the ways people manipulate with that. You know some of the obvious truth of my emotions. I can't control what you think or how you use it for or against me. Too much stress. I don't have enough solutions for myself YET.
I did want to join in on the conversation from the other day with entrepreneurship. Mixing business with pleasure. You did remind me of the "I want to work for you," letter. I can't help but laugh to myself about it. I don't remember what I wrote and don't want to. First impressions. ha. I think that may get the best of me but I am seriously not a hooker and hate the thought of it seriously being taken that way.....anyway.....
There may be a hidden agenda with what you personally think about entreprenuership, but I'll talk politically anyway. From just the general political talk, it does come off a little insulting that you would expect the worse and sympathetically give a pity party before it begins. If a little bit of financial support was there, it also robs the smallest of self-entrepreneurs or breadwinners the title of their breadwinning. Maybe not the entire title. But, the obvious later manipulation and ~you owe me~ "If it wasn't for me, you're business wouldn't be." I think there probably are some people who are so desperate for survival that some levels of credibility are not thought of or given a damn with. You can make your own guesses when you specifically look at me. I've already said it would be something that I would be serious about 10 years or so from now. Presently, I see myself as a very down to earth person. I know crafting is not enough of an income. As much as I'd like to stay my own boss, I still am open to working for an employer of some sort. It doesn't change the way I think of past employment and their B.S. authoritarianism, but the political talk goes in a different route where it goes towards workplace reform. Short and sweet: When it comes to business, I've always thought it better to have more capitalist control than governmental control. Both could be responsible for tyranny and communism. While I still can't figure out which is more responsible for my horrible work history, One or both have already failed me. I don't think some people understand how their sense of judgement, being judgemental as a whole, and being desperate as a whole makes them look. So much down to earth rational reform needs to be needed. Ethics, integrity, maturity and practicality, and emotional integrity.
Damn damn damn stupid violently vain damnation. And before and after it happens still too poor to have my voice taken seriously. and on your end the bad first impression and obvious issue of business vs. pleasure. Don't know if I would even call it that anymore but still. As the Jon turns and As the Sarah turns drama makes the conversation cancel itself out.
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