I feel bipolar today

I hate talking about being bipolar. While I often feel extremely beat up and depressed for myself; there are times I appear anything but that. I did a little less than 2 hour bike ride today and it really felt great. I did something new and got to explore a really fun trail in Pittsburgh. It was definitely a hot day and when I made it to my halfway point, there was a good breeze for there to be a cool mist from the fountain at the downtown Point park. It felt good to do that. I still didn't do as many calls as I had originally planned. I was going to work out yesterday but those plans folded, and then today when I called the gym, it was required you had to wear masks while on the equipment. I didn't feel like the usual work out video and going on a bike ride is something that has been on my mind. I would do it more often if I could, but it is a time consuming thing. In knowing whereabouts and parking, it isn't always the most convenient thing either. It would make a good date or outing..... In thinking about depression, I hate the uncontrollable depression and despair I have in some ways. I have a couple of bollywoods and while I was thinking of talking about them, I just don't have it in me to be the out spoken player. I care for them all and just don't like the thought of breaking any of their hearts for the other as pointless and despairing as it seems as it always gets nowhere. ...I have been ignoring/avoiding Demi Lovato for awhile because I feel so argued against and I hate the way she crashes/clashes/and argues with me. She is so rude and she has had me in repressed rages before. I'm not apologetic if I creep her out. She's too rude to make a friend out of or be friendly towards. She has me ignored and argued against in being a bossy and controlling bitch who wants to act like she has me owned and wants to call my shots. How many times have I been extremely upset and livid when someone wants to own my truth, act like they have me owned, and just being a dominate or "queen." You're not my queen Demi and I don't appreciate the way you INTRUDE AND INVADE AND EXPLOIT IN MY LIFE. Stop putting me on the spot, throwing your fits, and threatening my life because I'm not letting you win with your rudeness whether you mean to be a friend/ lesbian/ or just straight up gets-to-get-away-with-it predator. While I'm not specifically speaking about the man that your intruding stalker has an awareness of (unless he is being a cruel two timing bollywood- you are so impossible and unfair, Oilman--- To be set up, to be set up to fail--...)...I get rejected all the time by people I could want to be friends with or in a relationship with and I take it and I understand I can't win with everyone and am not loved by everyone and it is a fact of life that every person lives with! Stop throwing your fits, being a psycho, and taking your anger out on me, and being vengeful because I don't like you, Demi. Believe that I head but your shot caller and claims of you having me owned, Demi. (Oilman, I don't mean to shoot you down too much but you make me wonder who you mean to be).

Random Thoughts and some good news

I get another big bonus from Lyft this week and I finally got my first laundry job. Right now, things are looking good in the work world. I sometimes wish I had a more time managed routine but it is one advantage of having most jobs as a choose your own schedule when some weeks are more complicated than others.... The Pittsburgh Pirates. I just feel slightly flirted with and a "hey look at me," and it is mostly good news. It doesn't change the Bollywood situation and I don't want the male nurse to be lost in the arbitrage but he already is. He is lost in that I still don't know his name and wouldn't even know where to find him, but he is in Pittsburgh. Not that I want to forget him. When it comes to me, it is about choice of intent attention more than a game..... Will waiting EVER save me from my square one?.... Right now, I still feel humiliated over so many things and really injured on the inside. I still fear loneliness but there are times I like to just be alone with myself. I've always wanted companionship, but I feel most often used as a thrill. It isn't that I don't have fun sometimes. I know I'm boring to some and I don't like to be insulted like I'm extremely boring, but it's another thing that gets me mad when men complain. Right now, I see a light game of peek-a-boo but I don't want any hard ball. I already feel I can hardly say anything without being distorted and I don't feel like getting into a lot of anything. Depression is sometimes hard to fight and I wish men had more of an appeal to women who are emos sometimes. Its like a mismatch to think a professional athlete would be into a sometimes emo type. With most men anyway, who have more of a said reputation. When a man is my carrot I have to keep chasing, I get depressed more. I need to feel a stronger sense of acceptance and that a man is satisfied. The nurse really has what it takes to make me feel the comfort I need to feel in the mind sometimes, but he has to be another man who can do it for me that just isn't around and literally here in my life. How could a man care enough in some ways but not enough in other ways?

If I had my Utopia and perfect man

Right now, something could be light-hearted in Burmuda (always a language barrier) but I feel battered in a forced corner. Like I've previously stated, when I know men can be forceful with having their way with you and having you recognized in their eyes in their perspective to be forced into their decision-making, some are monstrously like that. I would rather specifically say what it is in what is supposed to be "my embarrassment," because they will forcefully keep their arrogance fed DESPITE THE VOICE I KNOW I GAVE MYSELF THAT WAS PUNCHED IN THE JUGULAR for the sake of their rapist fascist vanity. While I know I felt a peaceful embrace with the male nurse earlier where he was fighting against being called an intentional rapist monster, there is a stronger mind vice whose credit I cannot see but makes a lie against who the male nurse presented himself as. There is a violently fit throwing man who has to have his worst say against me. They are not done in saying just how much everything is my problem and that their jokes and rapes are on me. Like I've never been aware of the number of times I've been dumped in cheated on sometimes, sometimes will say I am aware (although it was never them being a cheat, because there was never anything wrong they have done on their end in the worst way and they would rape me to death before swallowing any kind of pride). When it comes to my breast size, I am the one who is supposedly the most obsessed with what my breast size is. I wish some people could see how much of a forceful molestation and corner there is in someones worst rapist mind vice and get the vice battered for me. The violent stalker needs to be in jail alone. Besides being cheated and dumped a number of times, the vice says it has always evolved around my breast size and insecurity of my breast size in the most forceful and lethal way. No man admits the ultimatum. The ultimatum was always mine and the way they mistreated and cheated on me was something I was always at fault for. The vice says "since it is 'MY PROBLEM' and the self-molesting reason I am insecure is my small bust, I should do something about it. I mean I am being violently and brutally assaulted with the ways the man's actions and cheats are MY PROBLEM. I have been raped by other women's conceit in a similar way where I never gave them the chance and "it is my insecurity and there was never a such thing as me being a recognized straight woman." I am so raped with such a violent conceited prejudice, and I can't make someone get their vain rapist monster vice in the worst way. Jay, you are still not coming around at the right time. If I had a perfect man Jay, this man would say: "Sarah, I know we are not an entire army and can sometimes be outnumbered with the way people lie, kill you with prejudice, and are being mean and terribly cut throat. It is so severely awful that a man won't see himself for the monster he is and other women who want to mistake you as "their" insecure lesbian and wanting to use your small breasts to lie and blackmail you as the reason for not wanting them. It is really brutal for a man to be that much of a vain lying fascist pig to put you in the corner like that and force you into getting a boob job because you will always be raped and cornered with it being your problem. I'm sorry that they weren't even going to have the decency to admit it was their problem and choose to keep you battered in the worse way with the way they stay your cut throat. It's a shame the times you get extremely and violently cheated on and no man will ever accept the cheat he is. It's one of the sickest things a man can do after cheating on you is keeping you bullied with his lies, arrogance, and cut throat and never be called your cheater at all. That is a severe mean pig that needs to be shamed. It's a shame when sometimes they will be these mama's boys wanting to cry because you made them feel like the ass they were, not even the ass they were. Words can't explain how much beyond an ass and a monster they are and they go crying over that after they call you 10x worse than that of an "it." There is just no comparison with how mean they are and how much they want to be your victim. We are not on their level Sarah, we both know there is so much more to life than the obsession and lie of obsession that someone wants to make out of your breasts. I seriously don't have that much of a problem with them Sarah, none at all. That was extreme, ridiculous, and violent for someone to have that much of a problem against your breast size. That was terrible for you to have to see someone's worst extreme prejudice and discrimination against you. You shouldn't have had to see a monster like that. It isn't your fault." ..... I hate whatever vice that was makes me question the truth in the male nurse. I don't know who is hijacking the male nurse or wanting to vice me. The lightest message could have been "you're getting me so good Sarah," but you lost me with either your intent, ignorance, and humiliation anyway. Did you really have to say "I got you good" with a threat like that? You lost me. Once again, to your forceful recognition in wanting to make it my problem, it's not my problem. It's not on me. I feel I can only believe in some kind of meant punch to the jugular with whatever form of humiliation you want me to feel. If I didn't feel so locked in a basement, exploited and forced into humiliation at the same time, I wouldn't write such a lengthy blog, I would have a shake of my head with another dumb butch of a predator. But some people overlook their rapist and threatening actions in their worst reckless way.