Excited

I'm so excited for my trip to Tennessee. I've got the dates from the 16th to the 19th. I hope you're there when I'm there. I plan on making my trip worthwhile either way. I don't want you to feel like you're my prostitute either. I'm seriously not out to be extreme with the credit or extreme and tooth and nail with "who is buying who?" This trip is for my own peace of mind. The matrix Mr. Smiths can get the better of me from time to time. Beyoncé is a conversation for a later day. Besides that; I know I don't know my full truth with you and I do have a fear of the unknown. I hope you have some satisfaction with me. You did do me a favor. I hope you would be my block or escort if your credit went to someone I know I don't want. If not, I could be interested in a random blank slate man you could throw my way. I'd hope you would want me or some of my time. .... I have yet to look up other sightseeing in Tennesse but that will be fun in being a tourist. While I've never been big on country, I can get into the soul of it from time to time. Some music I like and other music can grow on me. I'm so surprised that your modern day music has more of a country flavor to it. Indie/alternative/punk rock to blues rock/country. It is an interesting musical evolution of yours. I plan on buying your full album cds when I get there but I've already downloaded a couple of the songs through ITunes. I really like the lryics to the song: "Alone in my home," on Lazaretto. Don't I really feel that song? Not all of the time but often. ... I know today is one of your big days with your records in space. I hope it all goes well and fun. I'm thinking of you and being ~steady as I go~ aren't I such a perfect bitch? lol I'm not sure how much I could fit in your follower box but I'm not going to worry about that too much either...

Hi Jack

Jack, .... So the like must have been you want me to find a way to ask more.... Although I've used the line before, Red Hot Chili Peppers say it best: "Tell me Baby, what's your story, where you come from and where are you going to go this time?" Another band I like. You're in so many! Do you take turns performing concerts in them or are you done with your shows and its about your other record bands? I thought you came from Josh in however way, and today it was like the internet was reading my mind with: Big Brother, and I was going to get cheesy on you with that. I've seriously never been crazy about the show or the concept or even having an accountability partner of some sort. Not that you come across as that, but as a hero. If I had to be codependent with someone, you'd probably be the best choice.... while I usually don't gossip or like to gossip about past loves; I feel the need to let you in on myself a little more..... There were points and times that I really tried to be a good woman for David. With all the upsets, one was the same old Don Draper communication, but I personally blogged to him and kept him talked to and some conversations going. I still see him as a snob. Besides one murderous attack in the mind, another attack in the mind with my complaints against communication, from him was "yes I am intentionally restraining you and denying you of your dignity." I may have ran my mouth on him some but his Chicago still has no comparison of my Chicago with just how much he has wronged and hurt me. I've never understood why some men have lived to be such serious and sick sadists with me, but they do. I don't think it is fair to have had no other choice in putting up with the amount of sadism that I've had to put up with, not just with David, but with many men that it became the terrible norm with. I know some men are seriously and vainly deceived that "50 shades of grey" is what I like. There have been some ways that I could own up to the possessive part, but I seriously don't even want to tease the thought that much more because the sadism has fallen into too many wrong and inferior hands. I've been fed up with David's meanness, cruelties, and sadisms. While my life still feels at risk with him staring at me in being a horny and subdued dog with "Pamela Anderson" as me in his eyes, I plan on keeping him walked away from. All opportunities to make a big jump off and away from him felt the best right time. I'm not kidding with David, I'm done with his sadism, ignorance, and intentional will to keep me rag dolled and ignored. It didn't matter what I did; his status quo below my standard relationship stayed the same. ...... I really don't know what could be in store for you and I. While I have an expectation for you to not deny me by saying I am your schizophrenic, I couldn't let myself have any serious or strong expectation with us in a relationship. It would be great if you did want to meet me in person and did want some of my time. Before Steve or David came along, I was really never looking to be in a relationship with someone. While a relationship is possible while being a stripper, I don't think it is the best timing of an idea. It's not that I don't have the potential to be faithful. It wasn't that I was resistant to David in wanting to just take me and take care of and just be "the breadwinner." Too late for him now. I really feel the need to be protected against David and Travis. It is like just because I've had my slutty moments in life; I am open to open relationships. I hate their sadistic ways in wanting to coerce and/or force me to being a bisexual lesbian or just lesbian. I really didn't understand why some had to have such a problem in being straight. They were either mad for their own piggish behavior for threesomes or orgies or they were mad at how serious I was to keep some of their intentional vain or sadistic judgment the most violently headbutted and denied. I'm not comfortable with their gay bisexuality either. Why did some men have to make me feel insecure to find it so hard to "take someone for worse or better" I seriously think there is nothing wrong with the most traditional wedding vows. You seem to be the last man alive who doesn't have a problem with them either. While I was not out to marry every man I ever met, they could have made me feel a little more accepted than what they did. The idea of a man feeling happy and satisfied with just one woman feels like there is a Matrix Mr. Smith who wants to beat the idea to death. I need your Neo right now to make people understand just how right we think we are. Some people kill me for the way I think, feel, and believe more than they know.