Just a Hostage: Thinking out loud to your face

While it might not ever be good news for Jon; I feel I have some relief of being over him. I've always seen the cold blooded facts that were there. I am used to the heart break. Even if he was begging with everything he had in him and promising an overall consuming fidelity, the thrill and the feeling of being loved is just gone. Maybe he does have an emotional love for me. It is just the violent manwhore he always was. While there were times that I was violently heartbroken with both of us losing and wishing it weren't so, the idea of having a real win doesn't mean much of anything. I know he lies and lives in his own urges and lack of self control. I know how many times the story changes; how he makes stuff up; how much he says things without meaning anything. There is nothing reliable or trusting about him. Even if were sincere with all the commitment to prove, there is too much misery. It's knowing the man he was; the manwhore he was; and the fascist prejudiced lifestyle he was. We hardly have anything in common. If I have a sincere win; I feel no glory in the win. Making love out of nothing at all. Making love to make love? We aren't the same and I have no desire at all to conform to him, his type, his type of lifestyle. While I am still in a lot of pain and embarrassment, there is a big part of me that is already over him and I'm relieved.

As the Sarah Turns

Where do I begin? 3 or 4 guys I am seeing and 2 that I'm actually talking to and seeing in person. Dates. Spending time. Don't know where it will go. While I am not dating one of the four, I feel like I am being stockholmed by and am lost. While it sometimes looks like I have several kidnappers (and I probably do), I'll specifically say that it is my heart Dr. that I'm looking at. I think he is both mad at me and horny for me. From what I remember, he didn't leave a good impression on me with the whole transvestite thing. I obviously didn't leave a good impression on him either. I think it is my emotional upset that he wants to use against me to trap me. I'm not saying anymore about that particular issue. Despite whatever in the world is coming from his end, I think he could want to argue to say he is not the same murderer, sex offender, and hater as Jon. He looks like he could be dating Bree Ann, but I have seen several different pictures of her with Jon, Shawn, and Jon and Shawn's look alikes. I really don't know what is going on in their arbitrage, and I still know I don't want anything to do with any of them. I think he could have the same structure as Jon though which is the main reason I know I need to keep running. He has me somewhat seduced but I think he is a bad guy. ....... On to the next man that I'm seeing but not dating. He is friendly, quiet, warm, and mysterious. He is definitely one to keep guessing at. I think the CIA dude and Shawn D'A cross canceled on purpose because it is a third man who could be wanting to connect with me. He is still too mysterious. ....... Both of the others that I am dating are very attractive and good looking. I haven't been out or close with them enough to know what I really think of them. I'm looking forward to hanging out with one of them tonight, but I'm afraid I could lose the other and know I don't want to lose him yet. It wouldn't be fair if I lost him, but I never know what life could sometimes throw at me. Anyway, I'm curious to know more about the one that I'm seeing tonight. He looks like he could be nice but is still mysterious in some ways. ...... The other guy I'm interested in I know I like so far. Despite some other signs, he is still very likeable. He does look a little like Josh and Brad Pitt but I'm not sold on taking him any particular way. He scored some points with me and is laid back and comfortable to be around. ......... I'm not sure how my world will turn and what all could be chasing me. I know I'm seeking something fresh and new. I'm not wanting to be involved with or damned to any past drama or a type of relationship that I already know I don't want.