As the Sarah Turns

There are quite a few secrets and thoughts that I am continuing to keep to myself...... Who knows what the future holds...... While I have some secrets and thoughts, I have other issues to rehash/ finish off. I have noticed Justin D'A's persistence. I am surprised by this because once I thought we had established what we thought, it would be left at that. He stayed persistent with me. My reaction: He is another Brawny man that doesn't know how to come to terms. While I think he is cold-blooded, he isn't at the same level of Jon's cold bloodedness yet. I don't know if he will recognize a normal independent, or continue on with his Planet of the Apes conquestial mission. Jon was nothing but a continued intentional torture with a cold blooded will to keep me ignored. I can't get over that men like Jon or Jim haven't gotten over their Planet of the Apes mission and poorly influence other men to think the same way and that it is normal to be so gang raping like that. I will never give up on finding rest against their Planet of the Apes and that one day my life will feel more free and normal. ........... I'm finding myself in a different state of a weakened emotion. Despite a lot of things that have happened, being violently rejected, experiencing violent sexual harassment, I feel I am a still needed person. I just don't know the end of it. While I would never want to be or feel needed by men who are just a certain way or Ikes; it is a truth that can't be avoided. I still have mostly silence for Jon. With Justin, all I am trying to say: my answer is still the same with Carrie Underwood. I hate that I feel I am being ignored and he expects me to settle with him in the worst way. Until then, I can only wait to see what will happen next.

Call me Carrie

Justin, I still don't know what is going on with you. Either you have a real prowl right now or someone is testing or questioning me further for you to keep milking whatever it is we are. Right now, I'm sticking with my Carrie Abovewood name. You sure have a lot of shares now with a lot of guys. I'm anorexic to having any kind of supposed marriage with you. Someone is confirming the DJ's sense of identity with me but it is still awkward that you are just not representing yourself. I wonder what the other Justin thinks of that. Does he see himself as some kind of payed actor or something? Justin, right now I think you just want me because you can't have me. You know I'm wandering off again. I'm really upset that you don't want to give up on wanting to change how I feel and who I will or won't like or accept. I'm most upset at the Hugh Jackman move and that you gave yourself the credit of subjecting me to other women. I hate you for thinking you still deserve me or that you would think I'm giving in or feeling inferior to your subjectification. I AM NOT TAKING YOUR APE NAME BACK. IT IS YOUR RAPE FROM HERE ON OUT. I KNOW THE DETAILED CHOICE I AM MAKING DESPITE MY VULNERABILITY.

As The Sarah Turns

A lot of thoughts I still keep to myself that I won't write about................. how or where do I start with myself with who is Mr. Obvious to some?... I haven't felt caught off guard or a little more closely hunted for awhile. He has a smooth way of beating me into submission a little, but I am mostly stunned. I wonder if he still wants me; and he better still want me. I think I have a clue with some things about him, but he has a certain alpha dominance where he is and is not easy to approach and talk to. I like the way he pays attention to me. I just don't know if he is the type that pays attention and forgets about it a day later. I think he caught on with some of my frustrations with the corrupt games people play, and I'm going to have to find other ways of wording it because I like to see new people for the blank slates they are, rather than make or go in accords to how they should be someone else's arbitrage victim. ... The funny thing about this guy is, he has mostly seemed to be a pretty mean bully with me. He looks like he could have a little soft spot now, but I don't know what his change of heart could be... While he made a certain comment where I am damned to his emotional neglect, I'm confused with him overall. Because of the way it was left at that, I feel left to assume while he is being a greater loyalist to some people ({in a confusing arbitrage way} and those certain people being very serious hateful, lying, judge mental, violently offensive, and violently serious enemies of mine)he doesn't want to understand the serious enemies they will always be no matter what. I know I was lightly called an asshole. The murder was not that he ever said it in a violent way at all; the murder was his intentional way of ignoring me like my past history was nothing and that I never meant a thing I said against my enemies. He doesn't want to accept my truth for what it was and is now. I'm confused with him and besides that instance, can't help the way I get turned on to the bully he is and the way I know I am being watched by him. He is making me have something to prove. Besides me going about like I always do in work; I'm not sure what it is he wants me to prove. He isn't always clear. ......... There are a lot of other things I think to myself that I plan on keeping to myself or possibly talking about in another time.

As the Sarah Turns

This week was alright. I got a second job. I am going to keep the night job until I decide otherwise. I'm happy for myself. This other part time job looks like it is going to go well. I will definitely be having another busy summer. For now anyway. While there is definitely some attention that I hate from men, there is a lot of other man attention that I do like, while there is other attention to say nothing about......... I just want a lot of money and I will be happy. I don't really have a lot to say about some of the guys. I'm losing interest in Dale and I'm upset about it. I see some signs of other people he could be associated with. It isn't that I think Denny W. owns autism, he thinks he owns it and any other random whatever he gets egocentric with. Denny W. has been a morbid disgust and will always be a morbid disgust. I need justice for the sick harassing stalking predator he has been. I also think Dale talks to people who gossip about me, and he puts other's sources of info first before he gets to know me. Something about Dale that I don't trust and know I don't know. He is against me for some reason ..... There is another guy who has been brought up and who I've hardly talked about that I have some interest in.............. While I can't deny I have an attraction for someone certain, I can't get over this is it. There is nowhere else to go. It isn't that he is the last man alive. I am entrapped and helpless to him and them in a certain way. It is like an impossible plateau. I can't do anymore within myself. I just can't get over I'm at this point. I have no clue at how things are going from here. .... Who knows. Maybe I'll make so much money this summer that the sky will be the limit with just how much more I could do. Maybe my life will be that much more impossible with my own question of reason of an obvious secret.

Bummed and not so bummed.

The end of this month is a hectic month. One weekend I have to be here and there is another where several of my days are going to be unavailable. Money is going to be extra tight. I hate that. There are several small things I need and other things I just have to have. I hate that I have to wait a little longer to get some more yarn too. I am probably going to find another part time job soon, but finding a job here has never been easy. No matter how simple it is. Oh well. ............. I can tell there is something going on in the air, but I don't know what it is yet. There are a few men to wonder about. But, for tonight, I'm going to put that aside. I have been invited to a pig roast (and I still don't like pig and won't be eating) but am very looking forward to celebrating and partying anyway. ..........Going to get a little beauty rest before tonight..................

Dear Rahm

I haven't heard from you in awhile. Maybe you gave another sign with a follower on twitter. I may eventually try websites out, but I am going to a public private night club. I really don't want my plans this weekend to crash the way my Canada plans crashed. I am eventually going to plan another trip to Canada, but right now my focuses are on my survival and my own sexual independence and liberty. There are just a few details to assure myself of and work out and after that, I hope I don't get sick or poisoned. If all works out, it will definitely relieve some stress that I'm not horrifyingly trapped, stockholmed, or damned to another degree. I've been horrified enough by the helplessness of it all and I can't stand feeling trapped anymore or in more horror. I have already picked a few clubs to try out and if you wanted to come visit me, you are more than welcome to. After that, if it is the only place I can make money, I'll have to stick with that. If I find a second part time job, I'll probably work both places. This week is boot camp week. I'm so sore from yesterday that I couldn't work out today. I can't work my muscles too much when working out. I just have to get a little more cottage cheese off of the back of my legs...... Other things on the list to get. I'll be as ready as I could ever be on Friday.

Good Morning Rahm

You know Rahm, although you're not perfect, I am grateful that you are in my life right now for the present time. I am seeing lots of negative signs today. You're still the most respectable person even though it is me vs. another man. It is a little bit of a problem to know I'm being competitively compared for your sex. Still a little awkward to stay an attraction of a bisexual man. However, this problem is the least of my problems. I did take note of Michelle. I hate the way this is already up for debate with me and Katie because it was never a debate to begin with. I know I'm being undermined, downgraded, and underestimated for her again, and I refuse to compete with her or be at anyone's mercy as I've always have. I've always seen Katie as my cold-blooded nigger. I am a little upset with Michelle for the things she just refuses to understand about who I am as a person and my refusal to be controlled or manipulated out of the truth of my being. I hate the pressure this has to be because it is the First Lady. I'll just say, Michelle isn't close to being on the same page or wavelength as me. We have very strong differences of opinion. I hate the way people don't understand how murderous it is to keep expecting me to be challenged by somebody or something. I'm just not challenged........ Other gossip, I usually am the type that just doesn't care how I'm being talked about what I'm being labeled with. I know there will always be egocentric people who will never admit that truth. And presently, I feel comfortable in talking with you about some of my real life. Again, it isn't that I revolve around what people think of me, I am a person of leisure who gossips and talks whenever I feel like it..... The other threat I feel is both A-Rod and the movie "The Black Swan." In A-Rod's and his structured world, I know I am being impossibly, and chauvinistically pigeon-holed and forced to accept a bottomed out label WHERE I KNOW I'M NOT BOTTOMING OUT FOR ANYBODY That is why I feel terrorizingly threatened. A-Rod, Jon, and other men of the arbitrage keep wanting to force me to bottom out and accept defeat in a way where I will never accept defeat. They believe it is structurally ok to give women rankings and subject some women with other women. Jon and A-Rod have been raping me this whole time in wanting to make me my sister's inferior. They keep lying about me. Not just with her, but with other women, and of course I'll especially be the loser to any woman who has bigger breasts than mine. I know I'm not giving myself up in anyway for anyone, but they are the ones who keep lying and laying my life down as if it was always my choice to be her and other women's inferior........ Chris Martin and Gwen are separating. That is some kind of gossip in my life. I know he is associated with the Black Swan too, but he is still more to guess at than Jon and A-Rod are. Besides that story, my bet is that he wants Rihanna the most. I don't identify myself as her, and I refuse to be identified with Rihanna. I really don't know all of their gossip or drama, and that is probably as close as I'm going to get for now. Chris has a share with Jim too, and Jim is the one who I hate the most because he is even more of a cold-blooded die-hard than A-Rod and Jon put together............. What has been on your mind Rahm. I saw the airport train accident and sorry to hear about it. I don't know if that is supposed to mean some kind of message, but if it was supposed to be negative, than I wouldn't still be a choice eye candy or fantasy of yours than would I? It almost sounds like everything is already fine and peachy with you and you are just laying back choosing what you are going to indulge yourself with next.........................

Dear Rahm

Well Rahm, I did what I said I would do and more: went online shopping, got a pedicure, and yet to take myself to a good restaurant........ While the lap dance offer is back on, am I going to let it stay back on?..... Rahm, I feel the need to interrogate you now. I heard a little on the news about an LA terrorist going from the US into Canada, but was it you who terrorized it by ruining the trip? Were you further terrorizing by having a possible share with my father that was sick and psychotic? I'm still refusing to look further into that. I really wouldn't have assumed and didn't even think of that at the time. I'm not going to talk further about the statement, because there is no chance of opportunity. What a terrible guess you could have made on that one. Rahm, I do have higher expectations of you when it comes to either being quick to judge, or judging someone altogether. I just do have higher expectations, and will not be afraid to drop you like a hot pocket at the same time............The Police, I really want to stay warm with you in that "every breath you take," seduction. It shows some sort of innocent regard that you weren't trying to be terrorizing. Maybe you didn't even choose to have the share like that. IT STILL WASTED SOME OF MY SAVED EARNED MONEY. NOT ALL WAS, I AT LEAST GOT HALF BACK. I planned and planned the time for it. What does it matter when I get sick anyway. Whatever that dominate move was, I still let myself have my Canadian way with myself a little bit, first line: "Well Rahm, I did what I said I would do and more: went online shopping, got a pedicure, and yet to take myself to a good restaurant." ............Rahm while I'm staying seduced by you, you seem to be moving fast in a way I don't get, and are not being fair enough. I saw another sign, you can keep guessing at...... Right now, while I don't get everything going on with you, I enjoy the thought of you wanting to rock my cradle. I may not always. I fantasize being pampered, especially in my sickness. I know I'm not being pampered for real by you. The thought of you being seriously romancing makes me nervous, but doesn't run me off. I don't take you too seriously just yet. I can still drop you like a hot pocket anytime........

.........................

Looking forward to my shopping and fun trip to Canada. I spent more money than I planned to last night. It could have gone towards my trip, but there it went... I want this snowy weather to be done with; I have errands tomorrow. It isn't that it really snowed today like the weather called for. I am being literal with the weather..... Ukraine has not gone unnoticed from me. Although I could make some comment, I have no literal comments to make. I'm not making figurative comments either... ..... I wonder if I'll have a better year this year at a spring festival. New ideas to try... Not too expensive to try to find out about. It would be nice to make a good amount before my trip to Canada, but I'm leaving my expectations up in the air. Not that I'm not confident. I'm not wanting the judgmental label of a blackmailer. Putting pressure on ppl: give me shopping money or else. I see the vulnerability I've had in talking on my blogs so much whether I'm admitted as a watched or popular blogger. For the sake of liberty for anyone who wants to manipulatively argue against blog writing. It is no contest. Back to making money at a craft fair ~I already know I'll have a decent amount to take, but wouldn't it be nice if I had more..... Not a lot of time left today and I'm hungry right now. captains log, signing off.

Random Thoughts about Life

While there are a lot of things I can only be quiet and still for now, there are still other random things about life I can talk about. There are things new going on, and things that aren't new whatsoever.........Right now, one of my main anxieties are that I can't get to the gym. Sometimes, it isn't as big of a deal to not be able to go to the gym. This past week or 2 has just been so impossible and I can't stand it. I've been cooped up in the house too long. There is a mix of being broke (as usual) and the weather and other times where I just can't make it to the gym. Especially in the winter where I am unemployed and less busy, I just can't stand not being able to get to the gym. I feel extra fat because there is nowhere to go or much to do..........I did come up with more of a to-do list to keep myself busy and give myself a pat on the back for getting rid of the long overdue things that were on my to do list. With crafting, I've made my mind up that I'm not going to do the Ocean City thing this spring. I just can't see myself making the extra investment to go through with it. I still have no other choice but to keep an investment in crafting, and I do plan on continuing to invest. I will try one spring event, but I think I will leave it at that and plan to invest more on the winter fests and add 1 or 2 more to my list. ..............Getting ready for some marathons again. I was so upset last year because although I signed up for the Striders, I just wasn't able to fit a marathon in my schedule. This year I definitely feel ready for the 5k's. And, I am going to push myself more for a 10k in August. ...............Life has been frustrating. I still live with the same problems and severe problems. I am not writing about the severe problems on this one, but the severe problems still exist.............. Random normal problems. yes. I have growing pains with Mitzi. There were some frustrations during her infanthood, but in toddlerhood, my goodness, the terrible two's are almost here. One minute she is getting into something she shouldn't. The next minute she makes another usual huge mess. (she makes messes often. so many spills. so many more messes during mealtimes.) The next minute I spot her from hurting herself, or, it is too late and she has either fell or tripped over something or bumped her head on something. I have to keep my eye on her more as a toddler than a baby. Frustrating getting to places too. Frustrating when she wants to climb on me at the wrong time. She sometimes treats my computer like its her next drum toy or something along the lines of a toy you beat on. Very demanding baby. And trying to potty train too. ............. With "As the Sarah Turns." I just have my own discretion right now. I may not see everything, and I'm sure there are some things I don't want to look at. I do notice some instances and right now, I can only wait some things out. I don't want Seth MacFarlane out in the cold or dark. I do think Seth is an adorably handsome man. However, he ultimately is not my type. If I was with him the Switchfoot song, "We were meant to live for so much more," would always be in my head. The reason is his specific agenda of his career. I know the show is not always about little "Stewie." I'm just not going to be one to live to rip on Jon Stewart. Jon will always be my enemy and definitely a different kind of enemy than Seth. I do see Jon as a weak person, but my sincere hate against him is different than Seth's. It would just be an embarrassment to me to couple with Seth for the sake of ganging up with him against Jon. I don't want my life to be about Jon like that. I don't obsess over people like that. I make up my mind and say what I say and mean what I say and that is that. It was never fair for him to be a communist with me at all. And although he still gets away with his rape, harassments, communism, and unfairness, I would just not live to hate on Jon for Jon's sake. Seth may make some good hits against Jon, but I would see the way Jon would want the satisfaction and get me robbed. It just isn't my purpose in life. I say what I say and that is that. With some other men, everything is still up in the air. I still hate what some hyper-structured-OCD things there are out there. Sometimes, I hate how difficult it is to wear an outfit because of the way someone would look at it with their own assumptive structure. I know sometimes, dressing up is different than others. But it is like once I do one thing, there is always this continued obsession or leer. I really would rather not hear the times people lie about, judge, or assume about me. I hate the way people want me to be involved in their drama in some ways. It is like it still has never occurred to some people with the differences of questioning or sharia law assumptions. It has never occurred to agreeably disagree or what it means to be one-sided or what one's actions are really doing. Even if people did call me "Farrah," more often, there are times where I just won't or don't care.