Random Thoughts

Some would see cowardice as a good sign in some ways. A man just won't have his kill, he has hesitation and loss of pride or acceptance in it for some reason. My problems and issues with cowards are not that I just feel lied to, but I have felt the unfairness of the credibility issue one too many times and just how murderous some lies can become. I have been made to look the most willing in ways I have never and will never be willing one too many times. I hate being lied against like that. I hate the murderous way some people would intentionally provoke ME to look like I am someone that I'm not. There are times I murderously refuse to be tested. It depends on a lot of things with the way I let myself go. Sometimes, I'm too tired to care to not let myself go...... In the arbitrage, I can tell some random people are there from time to time. They still do things that are unreachable and where I won't always know how to make sense of their presence or whatever kind of message they want to bring. There are just some arbitrages and Stockholms I don't have much respect for because of the unfair Stockholm that it is. If I am supposed to get something about Nathan; I don't know what I should get about him. I don't have any strong feelings for or against Nathan. Despite Wayne's denial, I believe Wayne is a man who is in my arbitrage life from time to time. I don't trust Wayne. I believe he has had the most murderous betrayals and gangsterism against me for the sake of Stacy, Bree Ann, and Katie. Although he won't own up to it, I was so upset when he did Stockholm me in the mind one night and try to have or keep me. It was terrifying and emotionally painful to know he has already been a gangster against me for them and thinking I would ever lose or give into him after being like that. Wayne really has never personally come across me, but I feel he has had such a serious intent in wanting to hurt or humiliate me for their sake. I have felt ganged up on by the other worst controlling men for their sake from time to time and they will always get nothing but the worst disrespect from me. I would not point at Wayne to say he is the "drug lord," I would look at him as the most severely insensitive chauvinist who just did not get how mean it was for him to want to hit on me in the head like that. I had a few instances where I had my own cheap thrills as a dancer with several different guys, but it was seriously just fun and games for me. I didn't think Wayne would feel so threatened that he would give himself the right. ............ I sometimes think I can meet some new guys and let myself go and have some fun only to find out some are still gangster as the last one. I can't say that I've found that out yet with my present guys, but I have no other choice than to wonder some if some guys really do have a gangster truth. I hate that. I hate the way some men won't give up on their worst controlling abuse and totalitarianism and I hate that they will always want me to be constantly paranoid. How dare I ever let myself go and have some fun and enjoy life? I could be wrong. I would assume the most with a stranger that they would have the most innocent or blissful intent. paranoia paranoia threats threats.... I don't consider myself a self-righteous person at a severe level. I can be sometimes with some issues more than others, but I'm not out to hawk anyone for any particular self-righteous reason. I can be a hawk in my own self-protection, but never for a specific intent. I just don't like to judge people or feel either the prosecutor or judge. If some people mess with me in certain ways; they sure do have something coming for them, but I'm just not out to judge people. I've never been into the drug scene and I usually have my own quiet assertions because the drug scene can be easily provoked. It is unusual for it to be the other way around. I, I don't always know how much I should take something seriously. Some threats are nothing new to me and some are milder than others. I've never considered myself weak for drugs. There are times where I feel as a person more weak and vulnerable than others. I had a little bit of an anxiety attack last night; I didn't have much sleep and was starting to dose off at the wheel and had a good bit to drink in the past two days (wasn't driving drunk). I have anxiety attacks every so often and it is when I struggle with a sense of loneliness the most. I'm fine though. I am fine and I will be ok.