ring around the rosy

We all fall down and back to square one. ha. no. Right now a lot of everything seems to be bullshit in a nice way. Both David and Jack are impossible men to ever get my hopes up for and I guess both are meant to be in my life for just a period of time for their own purpose. Sometimes, I get upset when people come and go and it is normal for people to come and go in life and the fact that not everyone is always meant to be in your life forever. I know I threw a fit for David to leave me alone, and I really mean that. My truth and reputation has already been fucked with enough and I don't want to be tripped up, confused, deceived, and robbed any more than I already have. If David means to be on any rescue mission; it kind of seems like it is another bullshit story that is meant more to create some kind of peace or trust. He could have helped me to my present job a little to have the money to be on my own. I don't know. I've never understood the ways the arbitrage has worked. It's not the first time that I've ever been given a bullshit promise of safety and security. I don't know what is to come of all of David's talk, but he gives the impression that he is not here because he wants to war with me. As long as he wants to change the way I think, feel, or see things, it will always be a war in itself. I really don't know why he came around, but if I feel left to feel anything: I feel embarrassed; left in the dark; and don't understand what the point of him coming around was. Jack is the only scream for help against David that I can see, but I'm sure Jack already has a life and probably already has a woman. Jack is easy to take advantage of. ha! ........... It's like I'm walking back to everyday life and have a few abstract drama stories that I've walked through. I don't think there have been any significant changes in my life. I've been thinking a lot more about my future lately, and although not all of my problems are solved, I feel that I have gained a little bit more of an independent sense of security than I have before. But it's like for once, I have no plans with anything or what I want to do with myself. It's like everything was taken and I have one of the biggest starts. It's not that I have all the job opportunities in the world, but a more open and unclouded outlook. I feel I have been able to beat some communism in some ways. While some communism may prevail; I feel I have more of a kill against some communism. Some people may use it against me for being an adult entertainer, but I can say that I did whatever it took to make me feel more free and out of the socialist bondages, manipulations, and control that people wish they could control me that much more with. I have a mean and fighting mark on myself. ........ Other random every day thoughts... I'm going to be going to Boston soon. I'm excited to travel somewhere new. I'm not always thrilled when something temporarily changes my everyday routine, but it will be nice to get out. Some suitcases I ordered came in today, but they were smaller than what I expected. I guess at the price that I got them at, it is what I paid for. It's not that they can go to waste either. The smaller suitcase would be a perfect fit for Mitzi. The carry on that came with it wouldn't even fit my computer which is a bummer, but it is not a total waste. More car repairs to pay for....Tax forms to wait on... student loans to take care of... Some financial stress, but I think with both part time jobs, I'm getting more caught up than what I have before and am glad that the present part time job I have is making a difference in my monthly income.... so many other random thoughts go through my mind, but not always time or space to talk or have someone to talk to. random thoughts and carrying on...........